joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 When they have issues and you try to be understanding it ends up being you seen as a sucker. I'm just tired of trying so hard to be understanding to women and I get taken advantage of. Also why can't some just be honest
carhill Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 (edited) I found one tool to work was one I learned from a clinical social worker, that being to disconnect the emotions from the circumstances, remaining engaging and sympathetic but keeping the issues at a distance emotionally. That way, whatever a woman 'takes' your kindness for, it doesn't matter because you don't care. To access your emotions, she must display behaviors of sympathy herself, over time. I found this aspect to be key. Healthy women display such behaviors, even if in the realm of what the CSW described. The unhealthy ones are all about themselves. With no care invested, those aspects don't matter and the persons are quickly dismissed. 'Why' is socialized - To the extent that women accept parental and societal messages that nurturing and kind behaviors are 'female' and that men should be 'tough', behaviors which contradict these messages are seen as weak and abnormal and, generally, unattractive. Edited July 20, 2014 by carhill Forgot the 'why' part 3
notserene Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Is she a "damsel in distress"? And were you the knight in shining armor? Or was there some other dynamic here?
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Is she a "damsel in distress"? And were you the knight in shining armor? Or was there some other dynamic here? It was some stuff that came up later on and something I did and saying she needed time. I thought it was cool but I guess it's still not. I'm trying to be understanding but I'm really losing patience with her. It's like I'm making all the effort and she does nothing. I'm just frustrated
Itspointless Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 It was some stuff that came up later on and something I did and saying she needed time. I thought it was cool but I guess it's still not. I'm trying to be understanding but I'm really losing patience with her. It's like I'm making all the effort and she does nothing. I'm just frustrated I sometimes experience that woman think that your understanding means that you accept everything. It is really weird how patience and trying to be considerate can bite you in the ass. Try not to forget to communicate your own needs as well. Some (too many) woman think they are princesses and we are there to serve them. 1
lollipopspot Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 When they have issues and you try to be understanding it ends up being you seen as a sucker. I'm just tired of trying so hard to be understanding to women and I get taken advantage of. Also why can't some just be honest It was some stuff that came up later on and something I did and saying she needed time. I thought it was cool but I guess it's still not. I'm trying to be understanding but I'm really losing patience with her. It's like I'm making all the effort and she does nothing. I'm just frustrated In what way are you being taken advantage of, and what are you losing patience with? Are you wanting to sleep with her?
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 In what way are you being taken advantage of, and what are you losing patience with? Are you wanting to sleep with her? She became more distant. I talk about it in another thread. We were making out and she pulled away. I took it as her usual teasing and I grabbed her like I usually do in a non aggressive way. She said it bothered her because it reminded her of her being raped years ago. It's been 3 weeks now since then and still nothing. I'm making effort to be understanding and being there for her and I get nothing it's almost like I'm a platonic friend. No touching no kissing and no sex. I'm frustrated as hell. I mean not even a damn hug and I did that a few days ago and the fact I got hard bothered her. It just happened I wasn't even thinking of anything sexual. I told her a while ago that I don't want to be putting in all this effort for nothing
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 joystick, you can't do anything but give her some time... it wasn't a mistake you made but rather something you did that created a feeling inside her and that was part of her own baggage speaking. You can't be responsible for others baggage other than to be empathetic towards them if they are going through something related to their past.. I would think though that if she isn't willing to work with you on this and understand that you are worth breaking thru some of her baggage then you might think about calling it quits.. Sorry...
Itspointless Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 joystick, you can't do anything but give her some time... it wasn't a mistake you made but rather something you did that created a feeling inside her and that was part of her own baggage speaking. You can't be responsible for others baggage other than to be empathetic towards them if they are going through something related to their past.. I would think though that if she isn't willing to work with you on this and understand that you are worth breaking thru some of her baggage then you might think about calling it quits.. Sorry... Well said. This makes it very different than what I reacted on above.
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 I told her we have to compromise and figure out how to make this work. I meet her emotional and mental needs and she has to meet mine.
Itspointless Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 (edited) I told her we have to compromise and figure out how to make this work. I meet her emotional and mental needs and she has to meet mine. She has to ... really? Edited July 20, 2014 by Itspointless 2
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 She has to ... really? I meet her needs and she is not meeting mine. I just want to hold hands, hug or even just kiss. We had been having sex then she stopped. I just want something physical even if it's just something simple as the three things. Is that too much to ask? It's becoming one sided
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Hell I read book and articles on relationships so I can be a good man for her.
Woggle Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 You have to realize that with people like that it is just never enough. You can do all you want and twist yourself in a hundred difference directions and it won't change a thing. Maybe it's time to just cut her loose. 1
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Hell even talking to me a little more than she does now
carhill Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 OP, relationships are voluntary and the other poster made a really good point with 'she has to.....really?' No, OP, she doesn't have to. Relationships aren't an accounting exercise. Having been married to a rape/molestation/abortion survivor, it's a pretty deep, dark hole for some people. Kindness and care by a partner or spouse can get twisted up in all kinds of emotions which have nothing to do with the now. My advice would align with that given by another poster to disconnect a bit and give her some space and time without pressure. If you're not exclusive, date other women. If you are, state your 'why' clearly and take a break. Just like she's not 'required' to do anything, neither are you. It's not your job to fix this. That's just a societal message men are sent. 3
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 OP, relationships are voluntary and the other poster made a really good point with 'she has to.....really?' No, OP, she doesn't have to. Relationships aren't an accounting exercise. Having been married to a rape/molestation/abortion survivor, it's a pretty deep, dark hole for some people. Kindness and care by a partner or spouse can get twisted up in all kinds of emotions which have nothing to do with the now. My advice would align with that given by another poster to disconnect a bit and give her some space and time without pressure. If you're not exclusive, date other women. If you are, state your 'why' clearly and take a break. Just like she's not 'required' to do anything, neither are you. It's not your job to fix this. That's just a societal message men are sent. Well I told her she has until Friday to think about if she wants to continue this or not. So she will have her space. I just need some effort on her part. It was good until this and some other issues but it's now like she is nit picking things
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 OP, relationships are voluntary and the other poster made a really good point with 'she has to.....really?' No, OP, she doesn't have to. Relationships aren't an accounting exercise. Having been married to a rape/molestation/abortion survivor, it's a pretty deep, dark hole for some people. Kindness and care by a partner or spouse can get twisted up in all kinds of emotions which have nothing to do with the now. My advice would align with that given by another poster to disconnect a bit and give her some space and time without pressure. If you're not exclusive, date other women. If you are, state your 'why' clearly and take a break. Just like she's not 'required' to do anything, neither are you. It's not your job to fix this. That's just a societal message men are sent. Well I told her she has until Friday to think about if she wants to continue this or not. So she will have her space. I just need some effort on her part. It was good until this and some other issues but it's now like she is nit picking things
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 It's been 3 weeks already. Am I being unreasonable?
lollipopspot Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I told her a while ago that I don't want to be putting in all this effort for nothing I meet her emotional and mental needs and she has to meet mine. Well I told her she has until Friday to think about if she wants to continue this or not. So she will have her space. It's been 3 weeks already. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think your requests or needs are unreasonable. But I think that your approach may be too demanding off-putting. The way you present it here is as demand and ultimatum, and almost mechanistic as though you put something in the slot, and you expect a payment. People who are fragile and going through something traumatic generally respond better to request and invitation. Especially as she seems to be having some issue around being raped, and you are demanding physical contact - to the extent that it's forcefully presented is probably not helpful. It's always up to you whether you want to continue with a relationship if you're not getting your needs met, but you might be presenting a little more vinegar than honey. What do you think of that?
Itspointless Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 It's been 3 weeks already. Am I being unreasonable? The point is that trauma (that she has suffered) does not listen to reason. She has to find a way to cope with it and hopefully recover as good as is possible. You can be there for here and and enjoy the simple fact that she chooses to be with you (if that still is the case). Demanding things will definitely push her away. You have to find out if you are able to give her love under these conditions without feeling disregarded. 1
TXGuy Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 You are not getting your reasonable wants and needs out of this relationship. Why do you keep trying? It appears she does not want you to continue. You don't like the way she is treating you. One rational reaction would be to simply move on with your life. You might want to consider it.
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 The point is that trauma (that she has suffered) does not listen to reason. She has to find a way to cope with it and hopefully recover as good as is possible. You can be there for here and and enjoy the simple fact that she chooses to be with you (if that still is the case). Demanding things will definitely push her away. You have to find out if you are able to give her love under these conditions without feeling disregarded. I have tried to but it's always a problem. It's done anyway I told her she had til Friday to figure out what she wants and she got pissed because she felt like it was an ultimatum. It's cool because it got to be too much headache to deal with her. She started nit picking everything. It got to be too much for me emotionally to deal with
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 You are not getting your reasonable wants and needs out of this relationship. Why do you keep trying? It appears she does not want you to continue. You don't like the way she is treating you. One rational reaction would be to simply move on with your life. You might want to consider it. I just did and feel a whole lot better. There was so many issues and drama with her. 4
Author joystickd Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 She is pissed now lol. I understand somewhat why but I'm not up for BS. I started feeling like it was an excuse and not an actual issue.
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