A year post-break up and still not over it... is this normal?

[Melissa388]

Hello all,

 

My apologies for posting a new thread, as I am entirely sure that this has been posted a thousand and one times before... but well, if anyone can offer any genuine insight then it would be greatly appreciated... here goes...

 

I am 27 years old, and I had never before been in a relationship, I'd never really thought I was missing anything, until I met my ex, he was a few years older and it became apparent to me that is was his first relationship too. In hindsight I suppose that's a red flag right, mid 30s and no previous relationships, but who am I to judge?

 

Anyway, we were not together that long, I'd say seven months and I don't even really think how much I felt until I asked him if he still wanted to be together to which he replied "I just don't think we'd work out." Now, he's never really even to this day elaborated on what didn't feel right. And so he said that I was still pretty, funny, fantastic blah blah blah and he still wants to be friends. So, by this point I was just so shocked by the break up I clung to the idea of friends and I think I had convinced myself that friends somewhere down the line really meant boyfriend.

 

So initially I told him to give me some time, two days post break up and he texts me, and like an idiot I reply, but still say I need some time to which he agrees. And then after about a week I contacted him, and then we spoke constantly pretty much every day for around six weeks. Now during this time I didn't see him, but eventually I'd say two months post break up we stated hanging out again, just doing usual stuff going the cinema, theatre, out to eat etc. I'd never really had the courage to ask him outright what the hell are we doing, because I was so utterly terrified of losing him and having him as a 'friend' was much better than not having him at all. I should add that in between this there were times that I asked for space, to which he agreed (two weeks max) but then he ALWAYS made contact with me, it was very rare that I initiated contact with him/called him. To confuse matters even more during this past year hes bought me a few presents, just little things but incredibly meaningful things.

 

So I'd say we were talking around about four five times a week, like all day messaging and I would see him sometimes once a month sometimes like three times a week, during which we never ever talked about us or whether we were dating other people.

 

During the past month however we have spoke much less so I assume that he has met someone else, and I went around to his house yesterday and whilst he was busy in the kitchen I did a bad thing and took him phone and read his messages, he does have someone else (but he is still messaging me!). Now he doesn't know that I know this, but I started a very awkward conversation about what we were doing and he basically said 'well we're friends' and I tried to explain how it seemed from my point of view and I asked him if he would miss me if he never spoke to me again to which he replied "I don't get sentimental about people" and he just really wanted the conversation to be over. I asked him outright if he has someone new (bearing in mind I know he does) and he said it's none of my business and I asked him if he wanted to know if I had someone new and he said no, he didn't ever want to know. He was just rambling on about being friends but maybe we can't be friends but how it wasn't all bad. Anyway he couldn't get me out of his house fast enough, this was at about 7:30pm last night, and he has not contacted me since.

 

I suppose what I am looking for here is any insight into his behaviour that a) he essentially broke up with me but b) he always contacts me c) when I told him I had been on a date this past year (just one how pathetic) his face dropped and I think he was hurt.. another thing is like he always wants to see my phone when we are together like he did again yesterday now in my head I see this as he wants to know who is texting me calling ect (no one he would be most disappointed!).. so was I seeing what I wanted to see for a year or does his behaviour seem at odds with his words that he obviously have feelings for me still. Also, was I right in having that awkward conversation? Even now I am thinking to myself have I just lost a really good friend but then I don't know if I can be friends with someone that I obviously still love? And should I just put myself first?

 

I am sorry for the really long post, and I hope it's not bored you to tears.. I should maybe add that when I got in to this relationship I had just moved to a new city and I have very few friends here.. they are all in another part of the country so I feel very alone, isolated and miserable right now which is maybe why I clug to this guy.

 

Thanks for any advice, and if you can tell me how to cope please do as the tears I cried last night.. I don't want that to happen again. xx

[Ordinaryday]

people get over it differently, depending on their situation. People have asked here before "why do dumpers appear to get over it so quickly?" and the answers are varied, but usually something like:

 

1) they detached from the relationship weeks or months before they officially dumped you, so they have already done their grieving.

2) they have their eye on someone else. I am not saying they were all cheating (just some) but a lot of dumpers drop someone and then start going out with someone else who occupies their time and thoughts now. they dont 'need' the dumpee anymore cos they now have someone else in their life who they are doing the same stuff with.

 

I asked myself shortly after I was dumped "how can she not miss all the hours we used to spend talking, all the hours we talked over the phone, all the chats and heart to hearts we shared, all the good times, how can she not miss that?" and it took me about five seconds to realise the answer - she doesnt miss it because it is not absent from her life - she is just now doing them with SOMEONE ELSE.

 

It broke my heart to realise that, but I did.

 

dumpees may get over a break up more slowly cos they thought the relationship was going fine so they didnt have anyone else 'lined up', so now after the grieving they have to go through all the effort again of meeting and attracting a new romantic partner. it is hard.

[I am Bud]

Dear Melissa388

 

I think that your ex suffered from a big dose of naivety. Naivety to think that he can break if off with a girl and still remain close friends with her, without it affecting her in a negative way. I attribute this lack of insight to his inexperience with women.

 

To the extent that you allowed him access to your phone only indicates his nosy nature and nothing else. Had it been any other woman of stronger conviction she probably would have told him where to go. But since you are a nice, easygoing person, he took advantage of this fact to snoop around.

 

Misery loves company so in the absence of other women, his face will go sour if it seems like you are on your way of finding someone else and leaving him behind. As twisted as it sounds some people don't like to see other people succeed and prefer for them to be in the same boat as them.

 

Being that he is seeing someone else you need to take charge of your emotions and go and pursue other things. Do not worry about dating because it is no the bee all and end all to happiness. Take time to look after yourself and do the things that you have always wanted to do. Join some interest groups and expand your network of friends. If you want to make friends then you need to go somewhere were people like to do the same things as you do. Reach out to them and they will reach out to you.

 

I'm guessing that if things fall through for him in this other relationship then he will crawl back to you. But hopefully by that time you would have moved on and found a new circle of friends and perhaps even a boyfriend as well. He has made it clear that he does not see you as anything other than a friend so do yourself a favor and reciprocate this exact feeling and move on with your life.

 

All the best - Bud.