Boyfriend has pics of ex....

July 20, 2014

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. He says he and his only ex are "best friends". They were together for 7 years, beginning when they were teenagers. She left him for another guy and that was over 6 years ago. In that time after the breakup, he lived with them as roommates and they are all friends now. Tonight, I saw tons of pictures of just her and pics of them as a couple as well as after the breakup on his computer. I freaked out and started crying and told him to delete the pictures. He said he didn't know they were there, and he had deleted a lot of them before, and was pretty hesitant and nonchalant about deleting them even though it was obvious I was in agony about it. He says he loves me and she is just his friend now. But even still, he has barely deleted the pictures I found and there were ALOT of just her in the picture. I feel it's very inappropriate and makes me feel like he still has feelings for her even though she has a boyfriend for almost 6 years and he obviously has me, a serious gf and we live together. He also had documents that were about her which he didn't really delete. He says I'm being judgmental. But I think that when you are in a new relationship and its been a long time since your old one ended, you shouldn't have those pics of your ex, even if you are friends now. Also, he lied to me about who she was until I found out on my own, which almost ended our relationship before. I still love him which is why it hurts so bad. But I feel he doesn't love me and still has feelings for her....otherwise why the casualness of not hurrying to delete pics and taking his sweet time with it while I'm crying and yelling at him?! He continues to say I'm overreacting and it's not a huge deal....

July 20, 2014

I can see where you're both coming from. On one hand, I know it's extremely painful to see photos of your partner with their ex sometimes, especially if you suffer from retroactive jealousy (which used to be a BIG problem with me, it's not as much any more and I'm okay about stuff like my boyfriend still having pics of him and his ex on his facebook and don't ask or care what he has in private, but when I was younger (late teens/early twenties) the slightest reminder of him and a past relationship would really burn me up inside. I could never explain it, it just set my jealousy off as bad as if it was him with another woman currently. It definitely evened out as I got older though.

On the other hand, I see why people want to keep hold of old photos of them and old flames, it doesn't mean that they are not over the person, it just means that they were part of their life for such a long time and it's nice to still have mementos of that, proof that that part of your life was real. For me, they are physical copies of photos, and maybe one to three of both past serious boyfriends if that. They're just in a box along with other stuff that's important from my past that doesn't relate to relationships. I never get them out and look at them but I'd be wary of throwing them away for someone as they form part of my history, ya know?

I think you guys need to reach a compromise. Is it okay if he puts some of these photos on a USB stick and then hides it someplace? Is it okay for him to have two or three but not files and files full of photos? I admit I'd still feel hurt if a boyfriend had folders full of photos of him and his ex (especially JUST of the ex!) but 'some' doesn't bother me really.

It sounds like he's over it if he's friends with her and the guy she left him for (and even lived with them, wow). And your response was hysterical and childish, yes, that's probably what's giving him ammunition to tell you you're overreaction and do nothing about it. Maybe he just doesn't like being bossed around either. If it still bothers you, what you should do is talk to him when you've calmed down. 'I don't think it's appropriate for you to have so many photos of you and your past relationship on your computer, it makes it seem like you can't get over it. Would you consider putting them on a USB and storing it somewhere, or at least deleting all but a couple? It would make me feel a lot more secure in our relationship'. And see what he says. I understand if he doesn't want to delete everything 100% but I also think if it upsets you that much he should be making steps to help you feel okay about it all.

So do you mind him hanging out with her? Or is it JUST the pics that are bothering you?

July 20, 2014

I think having a few pictures isn't a huge deal. But an archive of them? That would concern me. He might be correct that he didn't remember they were still there. But that fact that he lied about who she was in the past raises red flags to me. How long would he have pretended she was only a friend if you hadn't found out?

And how did you find out? Who did he claim she was before that?

July 20, 2014

You are "in agony" over some pictures on the computer, but fine with him being "best friends" with his ex?

The fact that you feel he doesn't love you and prefers her is a huge problem, why are you with someone who makes you feel like you are 2nd best? Are you friends with his ex too, like do you all hang out together or is it just them two?

July 20, 2014

while I'm crying and yelling at him?! He continues to say I'm overreacting and it's not a huge deal....

You cry and yell when you find out your boyfriend has been sleeping with other women, not when you find old pictures of an ex girlfriend.

Whether the pictures are on his computer or in an album somewhere what difference does it make? Nowadays all pictures are kept on pc, does not mean they are being looked at regularly. They are simply being stored.

If all the pictures I have in my albums would be on my pc then I'd have tons of pictures of my ex-husband (15 years), and tons of pictures of my other ex (4 years) and I am not in love with them.

Everyone is entitled to some privacy and to some memories from their past. I am sure he never goes in these folders, they're just there.

Now, maybe, just maybe, you freaked out because their friendship is bothering you? That's another story than found pictures.

July 20, 2014

I don't really see pictures as a big deal at all....

July 20, 2014

No, I'm not really fine with them being best friends. I should be his best friend, and we have these talks a lot. He says he has a lot of best friends and she's one of them, but that I'm on a different level since I'm his girlfriend.

He used to tell me that this person was his old roommate and the girlfriend of his friend....conveniently leaving out she was also his ex. I discovered this fact purely on accident by reading something on his computer and putting the pieces together, and it nearly destroyed us. He said he wasn't ready to tell me and didn't feel comfortable at the time...granted this was about 9-10 months into us being together and living together. Honestly, I have no idea when he was planning on telling me but he kept telling me at the time how often he wanted to tell me but didn't know how to. And his reasoning for calling her just his roommate was because they were "only roommates" and it wasn't a romantic situation, so she became his friend. But, I don't know, regardless that was his only gf before I came along...which makes things harder?

Rightfully, I am probably a little insecure about whole situation. She doesn't even live anywhere near us, she primarily lives on west coast and we are living Midwest-ish. I have never met her or spoken to her, and I don't think I want to?

He talks to her on facebook and Im guessing frequently? He may also talk to her on the phone still. I have seen convos between them in the past when he showed me his facebook before. But this was last year. I have no clue how often they talk on a daily basis...and he says they don't really talk. But, I feel like hes lying which really pisses me off. I hate lying and lying about an ex makes everything look sketchy.

Sometimes I can overreact to stuff, I do admit that. But I feel like he keeps things private so much that it puts me on edge. He has suggested how about they (her and her bf) come visit and we can all go out to dinner, and I have said how scary that sounds for me as I suffer from anxiety and how awkward I feel about that situation. The thing is he is with me now...even though she dumped him, so its not like he had much of a choice but said they had both changed and are better friends than in relationship. I should be happy that I'm only the 2nd gf he has ever had, and part of me is flattered by that. But, I'm also just worried that because she was his first love and they are still close and he has all these things that he still pining for her after 6 years?

July 20, 2014

I would not be okay with anyone telling me to erase my memories. They are mine and something I might want to go back to in 70s or 80s...

July 20, 2014

She was an important part of his life for many years, part of his history. To expect him to delete photos of her is controlling, insensitive, and just plain wrong. You sound very jealous and manipulative. I think he only lied about the photos because he knows this about you.

Frankly, you're wrong in your attitude and request. If I were him and you persisted, you'd be an ex too. It would be like my current wife asking me to delete or destroy old photos of my ex and son - it's not happening, even if I never even look at them.

July 20, 2014

It's not going to get any better. Move on and far away from this person. The past is the past unless someone keeps their past around in the present. There is no need to keep the past around in any form. They should be concerned with creating NEW memories with you, not clinging to the old ones that were created with someone else. The memories can stay in someones head, but keeping them around in physical form is not needed and disrepectful to the current relationship. The only excuse would be if there are children.

Do not let anyone project blame on you by saying you're "insecure" and "jealous". These are red flags that should not be ignored. They are just trying to justify their own wrong doing. They want to throw out the "insecure" card? They should consider how "insecure" they are in their current relationship if they need to keep their past around as if they need to justify themselves. They are the ones creating the problem, not you.

Slomeone that is truly insecure would be insecure about something that JUST has to do with themselves such as their weight, facial feature, ect... not a situation which is created and projected by another person on to you.

Edited July 20, 2014 by marcjb

July 20, 2014

Do not let anyone project blame on you by saying you're "insecure" and "jealous". These are red flags that should not be ignored. They are just trying to justify their own wrong doing. They want to throw out the "insecure" card? They should consider how "insecure" they are in their current relationship if they need to keep their past around as if they need to justify themselves. They are the ones creating the problem, not you.

With all due respect, you must be young. Those of us that have been married before or have more history are far from insecure.

I would never ask my new 54-year old husband to discard photos of a girlfriend he had in his 20s. It was a different era and I would have no right to ask him to erase his past because I am now his future. And I think asking him to throw away his memories would be rude on my part.

July 20, 2014

It is a little bizarre he's orbiting an old girlfriend like that. Especially one who made him eat such an enormous sht sandwich. Maybe the strife with the pictures is just an easy way to test how he really feels about her. And you got your answer. =/

July 20, 2014

No, I'm not really fine with them being best friends. I should be his best friend, and we have these talks a lot. He says he has a lot of best friends and she's one of them, but that I'm on a different level since I'm his girlfriend.

He used to tell me that this person was his old roommate and the girlfriend of his friend....conveniently leaving out she was also his ex. I discovered this fact purely on accident by reading something on his computer and putting the pieces together, and it nearly destroyed us. He said he wasn't ready to tell me and didn't feel comfortable at the time...granted this was about 9-10 months into us being together and living together. Honestly, I have no idea when he was planning on telling me but he kept telling me at the time how often he wanted to tell me but didn't know how to. And his reasoning for calling her just his roommate was because they were "only roommates" and it wasn't a romantic situation, so she became his friend. But, I don't know, regardless that was his only gf before I came along...which makes things harder?

Rightfully, I am probably a little insecure about whole situation. She doesn't even live anywhere near us, she primarily lives on west coast and we are living Midwest-ish. I have never met her or spoken to her, and I don't think I want to?

He talks to her on facebook and Im guessing frequently? He may also talk to her on the phone still. I have seen convos between them in the past when he showed me his facebook before. But this was last year. I have no clue how often they talk on a daily basis...and he says they don't really talk. But, I feel like hes lying which really pisses me off. I hate lying and lying about an ex makes everything look sketchy.

Sometimes I can overreact to stuff, I do admit that. But I feel like he keeps things private so much that it puts me on edge. He has suggested how about they (her and her bf) come visit and we can all go out to dinner, and I have said how scary that sounds for me as I suffer from anxiety and how awkward I feel about that situation. The thing is he is with me now...even though she dumped him, so its not like he had much of a choice but said they had both changed and are better friends than in relationship. I should be happy that I'm only the 2nd gf he has ever had, and part of me is flattered by that. But, I'm also just worried that because she was his first love and they are still close and he has all these things that he still pining for her after 6 years?

So the pictures aren't the real issue here.

Sounds to me like you don't want this friendship to be happening, you don't have control over it so the pictures are the little bit you do want to control.

Being lied to after 10 months together is what triggered your lack of trust in him. It doesn't look like you are capable of forgiving and moving on passed this lie. I am not sure you should.

Bottom line the man in your life is maintaining in daily contact with an ex, an ex he lied about and hide from you for practically 1 year.

Why wasn't he comfortable telling you about her? Are you the overly jealous type that cry and yell? .........

July 20, 2014

Being lied to after 10 months together is what triggered your lack of trust in him. It doesn't look like you are capable of forgiving and moving on passed this lie. I am not sure you should.

^^^^ that

I don't think it's the pictures. It's the fact that he lied. You discovered that he is hanging with the ex, and since she did the dumping, that makes you questions his intents toward her. I would question that too.

If she was in the past, I don't think the pictures would have mattered that much.

July 20, 2014

See, I have trust issues. I've several bad awful experiences with guys and been through the ringer with some of my exes. That doesn't make me unique in any way. I was open with him from day one about stuff. I would ask him if he still talked to his ex because I knew from the beginning a bit of the back story. And he told me before we ever began dating that they were friends and would be in each other's lives. However...I met him 4 years after the breakup so I figured more than enough time has passed and he wasn't going to be still pining for her. He told me since the breakup, he dated a few others but never had another girlfriend until me.

Anyways, he would always say how I didn't trust anyone and he wasn't lying to me. And hes right I didn't trust him about stuff because we were still early in relationship and figuring stuff out. But I trusted him when he told me he hadn't talked to ex in a year or more. And I thought the roommate was someone else entirely. He talked to her on the phone a couple times in front of me, but I didn't connect the dots...who would??

That is what hurt so much because I trusted him about that aspect. Yes Im a jealous person when I care about someone but he knew all this about me going into a serious relationship. I wear my heart on my sleeve which is one of the reasons he was drawn to me.

Strangely enough, I guess I'm a *little* relieved the roommate turned out to be his ex...if only because then I didn't have to worry about him living with another girl and going on vacations with her and her boyfriend. It was only the one person and not two different girls...if that makes sense.

He said he was wrong for keeping it a secret many many times and he didn't know how to tell me. I guess he didn't want to lose me? Idk. But I wish he had been upfront after we were officially a couple and were living together. In a way, I guess I wish he had more faith in me not to lie? And I have tried to move past it, and almost a year has gone by. I just don't know what else to do. It's not like we can go back in time and change stuff.

July 20, 2014

Got pictures of all my ex`s, part of our history. (Never look at them, Mum has them all), Sometimes over a cuppa she will get them out and say `Now Haydn she was lovely` (Usually in front of the flame). Mum knows best eh?

Only one is on the Dartboard.

July 21, 2014

Got pictures of all my ex`s, part of our history. (Never look at them, Mum has them all), Sometimes over a cuppa she will get them out and say `Now Haydn she was lovely` (Usually in front of the flame). Mum knows best eh?

Only one is on the Dartboard.

Kind of reminds me of Richard Simmons. He wouldn't come out because he was close with his mother and she would have disapproved. =/

July 21, 2014

He continues to say I'm overreacting and it's not a huge deal....

You're overreacting and it's not a huge deal.

Someone shouldn't have to permanently erase evidence of their past life to soothe another's insecurities. If they want someone without a past then date a virgin.

Edited July 21, 2014 by PogoStick

Sign In

Boyfriend has pics of ex....

Recommended Posts

heartonfire10

acrosstheuniverse

ExpatInItaly

veggirl

Gaeta

Eternal Sunshine

heartonfire10

CarrieT

central

marcjb

CarrieT

gaius

Gaeta

Elle1975

heartonfire10

Haydn

gaius

PogoStick

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...