She's no longer beautiful to me

[TMLO]

First, the name of your thread is cold and heartless and literally made me gasp before I even opened it up; "She's no longer beautiful to me"

 

How about, "I'm no longer sexually attracted to my GF" ? That sounds more to the point you're trying to make.

 

Second, it sounds horrible writing it down because it is horrible. Can't escape it.

 

And third, her belly makes you cringe???

 

Ugh. I guess that means you're perfect.

 

As far as I can see it, this is a doomed relationship because if you tell her that you don't find her attractive anymore and thus put pressure on her to lose weight, SHE will resent you for it AND if she can't or doesn't lose the weight for you (because that's how she'll see it), YOU will resent her.

 

Doesn't exactly sound like a fairy tale romance to me.

 

Do yourselves both a favor and end it. She deserves to be with someone who'll love her unconditionally.

 

Well thats lovely in a Disney fantasy but you cant love someone unconditionally, if you dont enjoy a part of her then you ask advice which is what im doing.

 

The usual advice to posts like this on here is to start up some sort of exercise walking the dogs etc with her,it might help.

 

I've tried having her come to the gym but she always is too tired after work (she works 9-5 in a office). Has no stress either which hurts.

 

Maybe I might mention weight watchers.

[SoPeachy]

First, the name of your thread is cold and heartless and literally made me gasp before I even opened it up; "She's no longer beautiful to me"

 

How about, "I'm no longer sexually attracted to my GF" ? That sounds more to the point you're trying to make.

 

Second, it sounds horrible writing it down because it is horrible. Can't escape it.

 

And third, her belly makes you cringe???

 

Ugh. I guess that means you're perfect.

 

As far as I can see it, this is a doomed relationship because if you tell her that you don't find her attractive anymore and thus put pressure on her to lose weight, SHE will resent you for it AND if she can't or doesn't lose the weight for you (because that's how she'll see it), YOU will resent her.

 

Doesn't exactly sound like a fairy tale romance to me.

 

Do yourselves both a favor and end it. She deserves to be with someone who'll love her unconditionally.

That was my reaction too but once he said she gained 15 kilossssss, I would be worried as well!

[TigerLilly78]

First, let me try to head off all the fuglies on here that are chomping at the bit to rag on you for being shallow: There is nothing wrong with thinking you should end it because you don't find her attractive.

 

Its like a scorecard--she gets points for being a good person, for being smart, for being attractive and for a lot of qualities that are importnat to you. There's no reason to feel bad for making atractiveness part of the equation. What you have to decide is how important that is to her overall score.

 

If you want to cut off the "fuglies" I think you should step away from your pc and do as all a favor.. Now onto the topic at hand OP you have a right to be attracted to your partner and if she has changed since you to got together and its bothering you then you need to talk to her about it.

 

Some people can be attracted to overweight people and some cannot there's nothing wrong if you cant but you need to be honest with her and handle the subject as gentility and respectful as you can...you deserve to be happy as dose she..

[TMLO]

What about her health? Why is it all about her looks?

 

At 24 and her not being at the level it changes her health it isnt an issue. It does seem like all the weight goes straight to her belly as she has amazing legs etc. Unfortunate genes in that sense.

[TigerLilly78]

Its clear you care for her OP and that's admirable love is amazing and always worth fighting for. But honestly and this is coming from a overweight women myself losing weight can be a uphill struggle are you willing to ignore your feelings until and IF she is able to lose the weight?

 

Is she happy with how she is now? or dose she want to change I haven't gone thu the entire thread im sorry so kind of playing catch up here. Maybe after you talk to her she will see things in a different light...

 

Also you have to ask yourself this are you yourself not attracted to her or are you ashamed of being with a overweight person because of the stigma that can come with it? like ive said if its honestly #1 you need to do something about it but I just wanted to put that out there..

[TMLO]

Its clear you care for her OP and that's admirable love is amazing and always worth fighting for. But honestly and this is coming from a overweight women myself losing weight can be a uphill struggle are you willing to ignore your feelings until and IF she is able to lose the weight?

 

Is she happy with how she is now? or dose she want to change I haven't gone thu the entire thread im sorry so kind of playing catch up here. Maybe after you talk to her she will see things in a different light...

 

Also you have to ask yourself this are you yourself not attracted to her or are you ashamed of being with a overweight person because of the stigma that can come with it? like ive said if its honestly #1 you need to do something about it but I just wanted to put that out there..

 

If I believed she would lose it I wouldn't think twice about ignoring it until then.

 

I'm not ashamed of her at all but a few people have commented about us 'being a mismatch'

 

I can't say how much I love her in words but I feel so sexually unsatisfied. Its not fair on her either with me thinking sexually about loads of different women, even if I'd never act on it

[TigerLilly78]

If I believed she would lose it I wouldn't think twice about ignoring it until then.

 

I'm not ashamed of her at all but a few people have commented about us 'being a mismatch'

 

I can't say how much I love her in words but I feel so sexually unsatisfied. Its not fair on her either with me thinking sexually about loads of different women, even if I'd never act on it

 

Well then have you spoken to her about it? if so and nothing has changed then maybe its best to step away your right its not fair to you or her at this point..

[TMLO]

Well then have you spoken to her about it? if so and nothing has changed then maybe its best to step away your right its not fair to you or her at this point..

 

Ill talk to her tomorrow and let you all know how it goes

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've said it before and I'll say it again...

 

When someone gains an excessive amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time there are almost always other deeper issues at play other than just being lazy for lazy sake.

 

As much as you're not happy with how she looks to you, perhaps SHE is NOT very happy with something in your relationship. Have you even bothered to consider this at all?

[FitChick]

Portion control and types of food are more important to weight loss than going to the gym. Who does the cooking and food shopping? Do you eat takeaways and fast food? It's summertime so easy enough to make delicious salads that are filling and low calorie. When you eat out, pick healthy choices like Thai or Japanese or vegetarian places.

 

Do fun things together, like cycling, hill walking badminton lessons or dancing classes. You don't want her to feel like she's exercising.

 

I'd also google lists of foods to eat that prevent anxiety and depression and have more of them in the house.

 

If she is eating out of boredom, you've got to keep her occupied. Ask her if she's ever sewed, knitted, crocheted, painted. Creative pursuits that keep her hands occupied.

 

The difference between a friend and lover is physical attraction.

[Gaeta]

I've said it before and I'll say it again...

 

When someone gains an excessive amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time there are almost always other deeper issues at play other than just being lazy for lazy sake.

 

I agree and it does not have to be an emotional issue. OP she should visit her doctor and have a blood screen, it could be her hormone level is off or her thyroid is slow.

 

Also, any overweight people in her family? If mom, dad, and sisters are overweight then we're talking sedentary life style and eating habits passed on and those are hard to break away from.

 

About her being tired, of course, she has extra weight and doesn't move. Once she starts moving she will have much more energy, she won't believe all she can accomplish after work.

[preraph]

All I can tell you is that you are both young but once you're not, both of you are going to lose your looks, get fat or lose hair, get wrinkles. Once she gives birth, no waist, more tummy. Keep drinking beer, you get tummy too. You are young and maybe you're too young to ignore your strong sex drive that wants "the body," but in a few years you're going to either have to get used to people's bodies changing or hope you get rich so you can trade for a young one every few years despite you being old and decrepit.

 

Real love is worth more than perfect-body sex. Way more. If you really love her, you won't walk away from that just because your libido is not 100% stimulated. You're lucky you found love. Some people never really do. If you think the bloom is off this rose, imagine when you have trouble finding someone you even love half as much in a still perfect body. You'll end up settling for good looks and being bored everywhere else except bed.

 

I agree you can't tell her to lose weight, but if you're very careful you can ask her if she'd be interested in both of you eating healthier together and being more active. Not much you can do if she's just not the active type person as so many people aren't anymore, but if she shows any interest in bike riding or walking, buy gear for both of you and try to get her going with you without being accusatory. Some people just are predisposed to put some weight on as they age. Have a look at her mom, and see if it comes from there or not, just out of curiosity.

 

Other ideas: Move to an upstairs apartment so she climbs stairs or somewhere where you walk to the subway. But honestly, it takes both diet and exercise to lose weight, not one or the other. So it's kind of going to have to be her idea.

[veggirl]

35lbs is a LOT of weight to gain. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about finding it unattractive.

 

Does she say anything about it?

[Leigh 87]

I agree with some of what say. However, he is 24. Not his role in life to be her health coach. If they were older and together for a decade then 'perhaps'. She needs to get herself motivated, on a diet, exercising.

 

OP this is not the woman for you. You are more Into being active, a healthy lifestyle, etc. You do not want to spend your life stifled and having to kick someone in the butt to get them moving. Join a Meet Up hiking group with girls who thrive on being active...pursue a healthy diet because they enjoy it.

 

My boyfriend and I enjoy going to the gym. We enjoy being with physically active friends. We enjoy are fruits and veggies. Don't partner up with a woman who finds exercising a chore or finds a healthy diet as 'doing without'. You should be positive about her lifestyle and not frustrated. You will only get more frustrated.

 

 

 

It really comes down to whether or not you enjoy being active... do you enjoy fresh fruit and vegetables, salads and vegetables? I also enjoy incidental exercise! I always opt to take the stairs opposed to the lift every single time, and if it is not raining I will park the car a block or two away from my destination. Things like that, when done on a daily basis DO add up; yet they are only effective if you ALSO team it with a cleaner diet that isn't too high in calories, and at least 30 to 60 mins per day of exercise.

 

I know some men who literally couldn't stomach vegetables that were not on a burrito or the salad in the sandwich.... Or the peas and corn mixed in with their tuna bake.... Yet they loved playing soccer and riding dirt bikes (which takes core strength to sit down and do stunts and rides). These guys lost he weight if their portions were under control because at least they liked exercise. They enjoyed being active although they were never super fit since they DID NOT enjoy much in the way of vegetables or fruit (besides fat laden banana smoothies or milkshakes with loads of ice cream:lmao:)

 

I have been lazy of late; my boyfriend and I are usually BOTH slim and healthy. He still is, where as I have gained a few kilos. I have taken action now though rather than wait until I am 15 kilos above my already healthy weight.

 

Think how much easier it is for me to just start exercise and eating better, and losing those 5 kilos? Think how much easier it will be for your girlfriend to lose 15 kilos opposed to 30 kilos, when she is obese and unable to walk without experiencing discomfort.

 

Obesity and being overweight are lifestyle problems that have very real and very dire consequences!

 

For me, I always take action before the weight gets out of control, and I don't "diet". I just eat unprocessed natural foods in appropriate amounts, and I am active for 1.5 hours a day when it comes to weight loss, sometimes two hours - as I don't like to cut calories and prefer exercising as a means to lose..... I need at LEAST 1500 calories a day even on a diet!

If this girl is average size as I am, than for me personally a hour of brisk walking or bike riding/whatever cardio she fancies PLUS an unhealthy, natural diet with 1500 or less calories, sheds weight for me.

 

For me, I lose weight and stay at 125 at 5 ' 5 naturally when I simply eat fresh fruit and veg and lean meats and minimal dairy and low fat cheeses, and couple that with daily exercise of an hour. If I want to be thinner I eat 1500 a day after I reach my goal weight, and work out an hour and a half a day - and I tend to lose weight from there.

 

It is hard for certain people to lose weight though. I mean, eating unprocessed foods and exercising an hour a day may not cut it for some people, and therefore a restricted calorie controlled diet is sometimes needed - the type you order in since it is very difficult to accurately measure calories in meals. If she cannot lose weight through a simple one hour brisk walk 6 days a week along with a healthier diet with three SMALL meals and healthy snacks when she is hungry, then if I were her, I would move to a more calorie controlled diet via way of delivered low calorie meals, plus adding on another 20 mins of exercise....

 

And this is only relevant if she is actually on board with the weight loss. She may just want to sweep it under the rug and stay in denial... wear her baggy clothes to hide it and just forget about it, thinking it is unfair that she is widely deemed less attractive than her fit and healthy counterparts.....

 

Good luck, I hope your girlfriend opts to pursue a healthier lifestyle. My own boyfriend loves me to pieces but he doesn't want me gaining 15 kilos, as he loves a healthy and active sex life and he has said that it would bother him immensely if I became very obese - although he said he wouldn't leave me over it unless it was very severe.

 

My partner is a really nice guy but he is slim and fit and doesn't feel very attracted to women who are too dissimilar to himself. He doesn't need thin though, just healthy.

[Lipitor11]

Well, if you don't find her attractive anymore, then break-up with her. You're not getting any sexual satisfaction from her and attraction is half of the relationship. Some girls let themselves go, after they lock a man down. If you do really love her, suggest that she loses weight or you two can go to the gym together, eat healthy, etc, etc.

[Miss Awesome]

Hi,

 

I have in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly two years. We're both 24. We recently started renting together. I love her with all my heart and her personality is perfect. We just work so well.

 

This would be perfect but I no longer find her attractive. She's let herself go and its really getting to me. Before meeting her I was quite sexually active and had no problems pulling attractive women and now I just don't want sex with her. I would never ever cheat but cant stop admiring beautiful girls at work or ex's (never even speaking to anyone about it).

 

She tries to exercise but it's not her and she had gradually put on weight since we met so chance of her actually changing is close to 0.

 

Can a relationship work when you're not attracted? She is perfect personality wise. This sounds so horrible writing it down but its really bugging me.

 

Help

 

 

It sounds like you don't believe she can change. I'm not sure how you're going to support her with an attitude like that. It sounds to me like you're in a great position to help her. Like someone already said, you can't make her do it, but you can help. You two live together, so focus on eating healthy when you two eat together. Losing weight is much easier to do by changing your diet than by exercising. And you can pose it as just wanting to be healthier and try new things. Of course, exercising is great, but I think it's better to look at exercise as a way of being physically and emotionally healthy.. a way of making sure your body works well. Figure out some things that you two enjoy doing together. Or just help her figure out what she actually likes. Exercise is so much easier to do if you find something you like.

 

 

This is an incredibly hard situation because I don't think there's any way you can tell her how you feel without her ending up feeling really badly. I think, in the end, though, if you two are in a really stable place, then you being honest with her could possibly help you two out. She'll learn that you're able to be honest with her even about the really hard stuff, and you'll either get what you want or you'll learn that she's not willing to work hard to change. It sounds to me like, as much as you don't like the way her body has changed, you don't like the way she's stopped taking care of herself.

[TigerLilly78]

Apparently the OP hasn't even spoken to her hes going to and let us know how it goes I don't know how he can already make up his mind she cant or doesn't want to change tho if she doesn't even know its an issue to start off with hope it works out in the end for these two..

[SpiralOut]

Well thats lovely in a Disney fantasy but you cant love someone unconditionally, if you dont enjoy a part of her then you ask advice which is what im doing.

 

 

 

I've tried having her come to the gym but she always is too tired after work (she works 9-5 in a office). Has no stress either which hurts.

 

Maybe I might mention weight watchers.

 

If she's too tired after work to exercise, that just means that she NEEDS to exercise. It will give her an energy boost. She's probably sluggish from lack of physical activity and eating crappy foods. If going to the gym seems like too much, she should do something low impact like an all-levels yoga class, or even just go for a walk.

 

She needs to want to do it though. It sounds like she's stuck in a rut. It's not fair to either of you for you to be trying so hard to get her to work out when she doesn't even want to. It sounds like she might be depressed about something.

Edited July 20, 2014 by SpiralOut

[TigerLilly78]

Doesn't know? She has no brain?

 

Sorry, I'm not in favour of Molly coddling people who choose to lead an unhealthy lifestyle. This guy is 24 years old. Not his responsibility to stop someone who abuses herself. Time for him to move on in life and associate with healthy people.

 

I never suggested he should "coddle" her I said he should talk to her and see what her view is on the prob that's just basic communication in a relationship. He clearly cares for her there can be different reasons some one gains weight mental or physical when you love some one you love them thu good and bad and support them that's what real unselfish love is to me anyways.

 

And that goes both ways as in she should try to make him happy as well to the best of her ability. But as he hasn't ever told her that her weight gain is such a problem for him then she prob doesn't think its a issue. Now if he talks to her and still nothing changes and hes still having these feelings then there's not much more he can do but at least he tried..

 

The grass is not always greener that's the prob with relationships these days no one wants to communicate or even try to work out probs its just onto the next one..