BlueValentine Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I imagine guys that receive text messages (a bit down below) like this always think the sender is crazy, but I'd like some honest opinions. Situation: Met a bartender while at a Happy Hour (I know, bad news). He was very nice & sweet. After a couple visits he got my number, said we'd go out (I knew we never would). After a few more visits to his bar he walked me to my car, we kissed and parted ways. Next time, needless to say we did more than kiss. He was polite after the first kissing session. Still texting, still acting interested. He was polite after our next visit (least in text later that night). I said hello the next week and of course his demeanor changed, slow to respond if at all. Our team had a happy hour at his bar that same week and I couldn't decline so I went and tried to play it off. He bought me a drink, I thanked him via text, no response. This is a place where we have a lot of functions for work at. He was cool in person at the company HH but I imagine it's part of the job. Since I will frequent this place, had many times before and imagine more to come, I wanted to clear the air. I never expected anything from the situation. I never felt that he did either, but something was awry by the things he mentioned during the last HH, that he was somehow "hurt" or misled. Facts: I am a single mom. I don't hide it but it's not like their pics are sewn to my clothes. My friend had regularly mentioned my kids in front of him so I assumed he knew I had kids. Since I never expected it to be anything, I didn't feel it was worth bringing up whenever we talked. Besides he always mentioned we'd go out on a date & we never did. But I was ok with that. Second, to me he made mistakes like saying we'd still do stuff even after we hooked up and asked to see pics of my kids next time we saw one another. I heard all the rumors about bartenders so I tried to keep any feelings at bay. Truth is, I thought he was very sweet, I imagine I could've really liked him, but I never sensed it was going to be anything. Any texts I sent thereafter were very simple, "Good Morning" "Have a Great Weekend", that kind of stuff. I honestly just wanted to have a simple friendship, I had no delusions. At the last HH my friend was pretty rude to him, nothing to do with the bartender and I, she is just feisty and easily offended. I think she ticked him off a bit & I didn't want him to think it had anything to do with me. Bartender and I are in our mid 30s, so not like we're kids or anything. Text message: Hello <name>, I just want to clear the air for my sanity. Please don’t think I expect anything from you. I had a good time & that’s all there was to it. I’d like to be friends, occasional catch up conversations, that kind of stuff. Honestly, I just recently started to date again & I didn’t expect anything to happen. I don’t regret hanging out with you but all of it was not the norm. That’s not me. I thought you were cute & sweet & enjoyed your company. I even watched <movie>, which was a very cute movie. :-) I know it doesn’t matter, but I honestly thought you knew about my kids. <friend> made it a point to mention it every time there was a male in our presence (LOL), so I assumed everyone knew. I love them dearly & I don’t hide their existence though I can be a bit shy/private. As for <friend>, she only knows we kissed, anything more was not her business. As you can tell she’s a bit much & can be a lot less than a friend. Supposedly I like to help wounded souls. I suppose that’s why I tolerate her. She tries my friendship constantly. Also, the <place of business> is a small place. I have had Happy Hours with coworkers/friends, dates there. It is highly probable we will run into one another/I’ll have get togethers at <bar> & I don’t want it to be weird. I may very well take a job in <another location> within the next few months (this is a secret at this point) & may never see you again & none of this will matter, but just in case…. I am just not a fan of assumptions or things left unsaid. I hope this doesn’t seem weird. If you prefer silence, I completely respect that, just don’t respond & it’s a done deal. If friends are ok, that’s great too. Either way, I had fun, you’re a great guy and I wish you all the best! :-) My questions: 1. Do you think the text is just a crazy idea? 2. Does it even matter if you got a text like this? Would it change anything? Would you be cool at the bar after or it would have no impact? 3. What tone do you get from it? 4. Do you think the content is too much? Did I go to far and I just sound crazy? Other opinions (not psychoanalysis, please) are appreciated!
fred123 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 if i sent this to you after we hooked up you would a) laugh with ur friends about me b) think im a weird desparate creep c) try and take advantage of me being a nice guy d) make u lose more respect for me so yh go ahead and send it and see how its any different to u girls recieving same said message pfft
Author BlueValentine Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Keenly and Fred123, Didn't send it but appreciate the honest feedback. Harsh but if that's how guys feel, I wouldn't want to waste the effort. Desperate? Wow, so not the message I was hoping to get across, lol. Thanks.
Author BlueValentine Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 BTW - I only "would" send the part that says "Text Message" the other info was FYI for the forum.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 OP, I'm a woman too and I'll be honest - the text is cringe-worthy and entirely unnecessary. And...Way. Too. Long!! You're completely over-explaining yourself to someone you have little contact with. It comes across as rambling and in all probability he will not read the entire thing. This is a guy who doesn't even respond to short texts. There's a lot of irrelevant content. If I received a text like this from a guy I'd had a passing interest in, I would think he had too much time on his hands and was far more into me than i was into him. Don't send it. I know you mean well, but don't send it. 3
Author BlueValentine Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Expat, yeah I am getting that feeling. For the record, we did talk a lot beforehand (many,many days) and immediately after; it was not like a typical "hookup" convo. He was very G/PG. Anything I discussed in the "Text" was stuff we had discussed, more than once. But I hear you on me wasting my time and yes it was all with good intentions. Any suggestions on how to clear the air? We have to see one another and we were both clearly uncomfortable last time we did. That's why I know he was bothered by not knowing I had kids. He made it a point to bring it up during the HH. For my HHs I can go anywhere else and happily will. For the company stuff, I am just on the hook. I don't want anything from him other than to not be uncomfortable.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 If you don't want things to be uncomfortable, for the love of God, do not send this text message. It sounds insecure, desperate and obsessive. Just leave things be. Nine times out of ten the situations in life I thought I totally messed up weren't a big deal at all.
Author BlueValentine Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 It's already uncomfortable without sending any texts. Any suggestions on how to make it NOT uncomfortable? And I do get it, all my Psych classes on interpersonal relationships were a lie. People don't want honest communication because they choose how to interpret everything and decide on an intent without any inquiry to the sender. This really all makes me sad. Honestly, I don't laugh at guys that communicate with me openly. I'm not 20 or immature in any way. I don't snicker with my friends or call people losers. I can see why the dating scene sours people. You reach in and get a lot of sour apples. My intent was to let this seemingly nice guy know, based entirely on our last and very recent in-person conversation, that I wasn't some clingy hook up. He clearly had a lot of questions for me and seemed disappointed that he didn't know certain things about me. Whether or not our communication after we got together would've been different, I'll never know. After we got together, I mentioned something about one of my kids and that's when his demeanor instantly changed. He was very surprised. That's when everything went downhill. I am NOT trying to have a relationship with this guy. I value my integrity and I am NOT the hook up type. Why he was ever interested in me is a mystery to me. I was caught up in the moment after a host of bad dates with other guys, I realize it was a mistake. I suppose I don't want to be looked at in that light, even by this guy. And he wasn't all bad. This is someone I have to see at many company functions. At least in the interim, when I have to order a drink from him (yes he's the only bartender and is the only server) how do I not make it uncomfortable? If the answer there is no way to avoid it, then say so, I promise I am mature enough to handle that answer.
Assasda Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 The txt sounds pretty neurotic and crazy. I think what would work is if the next time you went there, and you saw him. In passing you just said "Are we still good?' with a smile. but all this extra seems a little much 2
Author BlueValentine Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Brilliant! The simplest answer is most often the best answer. Thank you Assasda! Sometimes we are so deep and disoriented in our own pool we don't see how close we are to shallow water. 1
SoPeachy Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I'm a woman and I would never send that text. Why?? It is way too long. Too much info, unnecessary, and I'd be really uncomfortable receiving that also.
fred123 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Brilliant! The simplest answer is most often the best answer. Thank you Assasda! Sometimes we are so deep and disoriented in our own pool we don't see how close we are to shallow water. just imagine if it was a guy sending you this message bluevalentine. a guy u didbt reli have interest in. wat wud u do and wat wud u think? hes a loser? yep!
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