splinter Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I attended a wedding recently for friends of long term boyfriend. I was his +1. It was a great night, good people and I looked fabulous if I must say The boyfriend was a great date other than one small issue. Somewhat into the night we were both introduced to a girl, let's call her Beth. Further on in the night I guess my bf had been talking to her more and kept bringing up 'Beth is so fun! I want to hang out with her more!' Alongside this when we were dancing I could tell he kept glancing at her on the dancefloor, this also happened when she was in line with us when saying goodnight to the bride. Later on back at the hotel he brought up to his friends saying 'Beth is so cool, what's her deal?' I feel like this went beyond just a normal friendliness in his actions and in my eyes it almost seemed like he was interested her. I brought it up the next morning saying that it was offensive to me as his gf and date but he said he was just being friendly and thought she was a fun girl who he thought would make a good friend. Also that I was being insecure Obviously, this is uncomfortable. How do I deal with this situation, talk to him about it? Should I just drop it as I small moment of jealousy on my end?
Assasda Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You say you've been in a long term relationship. That means that your BF is comfortable with you. So, yes, you just just drop it, and stop being insecure. I think youre BF is so secure with you that he can another woman attractive and interesting and let you know about it. It doesnt mean that he wants a relationship with that person. When we're in relationships, we dont dont put on blinders to other people that we're attracted to you know. Definately drop it, as a moment of jealously
maysj18 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 This is sketchy. "What's her deal?" Is a way to blatantly ask of someone is single so why would he want to know if he's with you? Calling you insecure later on is him being defensive. 9
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 How's your relationship in general? I think it's mostly harmless but asking "what's her deal?" would make me uncomfortable. What did his friends reply?
Lernaean_Hydra Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 This is sketchy. "What's her deal?" Is a way to blatantly ask of someone is single so why would he want to know if he's with you? Calling you insecure later on is him being defensive. Exactly. Normally I'd maybe say OP was overreacting a bit but this is too much. 2
Tbisb74 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Know any hot guys he also knows? Talk about them non-stop. He will soon object.... then you can say, ' Who's insecure now, then? Well here's the deal: I'll shut up about 'hot guy' if you shut your yap about 'Beth'. And refuse to discuss the matter further. It's easy. Just don't answer.
Keenly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Know any hot guys he also knows? Talk about them non-stop. He will soon object.... then you can say, ' Who's insecure now, then? Well here's the deal: I'll shut up about 'hot guy' if you shut your yap about 'Beth'. And refuse to discuss the matter further. It's easy. Just don't answer. This is called game playing. It's stupid, juvenile, and is great way to screw up your relationship. 6
Tbisb74 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 It screwed up the minute he couldn't stop going on about Beth. Insensitive tactless jerk. 5
Keenly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 It screwed up the minute he couldn't stop going on about Beth. Insensitive tactless jerk. You've never pulled your foot out of your mouth before? Sometimes stuff just comes out. If their relationship is a long term one and everything else is otherwise fine, and there isn't anymore contact between those two, this will be an issue that can be moved past. If he pursues her contact information though, that's different.
Treasa Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You've never pulled your foot out of your mouth before? Sometimes stuff just comes out. If their relationship is a long term one and everything else is otherwise fine, and there isn't anymore contact between those two, this will be an issue that can be moved past. If he pursues her contact information though, that's different. Yeah, but it's not like he just blurted out, "Wow, Beth is cool!" He went on about her, even after the OP expressed her anxiety about it. That isn't mere foot-in-mouth disease. OP - take some space from your BF, and rethink your relationship. 9
Keenly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Dating in 2014 is so unforgiving. One wrong move/action and you are discarded. At least from what I see on this forum, as I can't go out and watch people. 1
silvermercy Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 It depends, OP. Does he have many other female friends? If yes, maybe he just wanted to add her to his list of female friends. On the other hand, his interest in her did seem a bit excessive... Especially the fact that he kept glancing at her and seemed so enthusiastic about her (but not other people). Try asking what they talked about for him to find her soooo interesting. Do they share specific hobbies and he got excited about it? If yes, it may explain it a bit. If not, then he has no excuse, because what was so different about her compared to other people there?
Tbisb74 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You've never pulled your foot out of your mouth before? Sometimes stuff just comes out. If their relationship is a long term one and everything else is otherwise fine, and there isn't anymore contact between those two, this will be an issue that can be moved past. If he pursues her contact information though, that's different. What Treasa said. The guy just wouldn't let it lie and shut up. And then, when his GF pointed out she found it hurtful - she was the insecure one? Give me a ferkin break.... 2
Keenly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 What Treasa said. The guy just wouldn't let it lie and shut up. And then, when his GF pointed out she found it hurtful - she was the insecure one? Give me a ferkin break.... So is this worth ending a long term relationship over? Are we all so quick to cut and run? What if after that night, she never comes up again. Still worth breaking up over? These kinds of issues, when they happen VERY infrequently, and there are no other problems (assuming there are no other problems) warrant conversations, intense discussions, sharing of feelings, and overall conflict resolution and problem solving. But to just instantly jump to break up with him or rethink the entire relationship over it? Come together as a team and work it out. Otherwise, what are we doing here... Looking for a fairy tale problemless relationship? I've been guilty of doing something unintentionally that made a girlfriend uncomfortable and I didn't even realize I was doing it. We talked about it, I stopped doing it because I understood where she was coming from, and we came to an agreement. If it continue, bring it up again, in a calm and rational matter, and talk it out. If he is incapable of talking it out without throwing around the word insecure ( I can't stand when people throw that word at each other ) then we have a problem. If he gets defensive, there is a problem. But like I said, if this never comes up again, is it worth throwing the relationship away over? Only the OP knows for sure. 1
Tbisb74 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 So is this worth ending a long term relationship over? Are we all so quick to cut and run? What if after that night, she never comes up again. Still worth breaking up over? Quote me on where I said that. These kinds of issues, when they happen VERY infrequently, and there are no other problems (assuming there are no other problems) In situations like this, there are ALWAYS other problems.... warrant conversations, intense discussions, sharing of feelings, and overall conflict resolution and problem solving. But to just instantly jump to break up with him or rethink the entire relationship over it? I await direct reference to where I said they should break up.
ThaWholigan Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Seems to be 2 extremes coming up here I don't think it's a "break-up" offense at all - but it was extremely tactless of him, not necessarily for going on about the girl - that wasn't as bad IMO, but for then not understanding exactly why you would be a little bit insecure about that when you brought it up. Were it me, I'd probably be a bit annoyed, but honestly I would understand why she felt insecure by that.
Keenly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Quote me on where I said that. In situations like this, there are ALWAYS other problems.... I await direct reference to where I said they should break up. Do not take my quotes personally, as I will start of with a sentence or two addressing the quote, and then usually launch off into something that relates more to the tone of the thread than the person that I quoted. It's like this with all of my posts. You will get used to all of the frequent members' posting styles.
FitnessRN Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You've never pulled your foot out of your mouth before? Sometimes stuff just comes out. If their relationship is a long term one and everything else is otherwise fine, and there isn't anymore contact between those two, this will be an issue that can be moved past. If he pursues her contact information though, that's different. NO! Stuff does not just come out..this dude wanted her and he really messed up big time. In fact, this girl should send a message and drop him. Her gut feeling is correct! If a girl did that to me, she would be GONE!" No offense, but if your woman is there, you pay attention to her. He keeps on bringing her up??? "Let's hang out with her??" He's going to drop his girl for that "Beth" girl. This is a classic move by guys/girls who try to get with somebody else. 1
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Asking about her relationship status (which is how I'm reading "what's her deal") is completely inappropriate. OP is right to be pissed. If he really just thought she was a cool girl he wanted to have as a friend, why wouldn't he be bringing the OP into their conversations? Why is the OP finding all this out from her friends?
Treasa Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Like I said, you tried talking to him, it didn't work, and now I think you should go quiet for a while. You don't have to break up with him. Just....take some space. See what he does. If he truly wants to be with you, he'll get the message pretty quickly. 1
Lipitor11 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I don't blame you for feeling that way. His actions are kind of shady. Have you ever felt that you were in need of "hanging out" with some other guy badly? Probably not.. 2
Damaged217 Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 I was out at a bar once with an old bf and we ran into a group of friends he hadn't seen in a long time. I thought one guy was hilarious and we had similar personalities. I told my bf (at the time) that I thought his friend was really cool and I wanted to hang out with him again. I don't see anything wrong with finding someone of the opposite sex fun and wanting to be friends with them when you are in a relationship. But like a lot of other people said, the whole "What's her deal?" thing is a bit worrisome. I wouldn't necessarily break up with the guy over that comment, but it is definitely a concern. Just be watchful of what he says. Has he brought this Beth character up anymore since the event?
spiderowl Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 It sounds to me like he is interested in her. I think your gut instinct was right. Can't tell you what to do, but if it was me I'd be withdrawing from this guy so he had to miss me. Bearing in mind, of course, that he may well take the opportunity to meet someone else. What is your boyfriend's track record with women? Is he known for fidelity?
pteromom Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 I've been guilty of doing something unintentionally that made a girlfriend uncomfortable and I didn't even realize I was doing it. We talked about it, I stopped doing it because I understood where she was coming from, and we came to an agreement. This is a far cry from telling someone they are just being insecure. In your example, you listened to her, respected her feelings, and came to a resolution. If instead you would have scoffed at her and called her insecure, she just may have come over to LS for validation of her feelings, since her bf had made her question herself.
pteromom Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 ...and FYI, I find his reaction to her concerns more of a "breakup offense" than I do his gushing over Beth. If she had questioned him about his gushing, and he had said 'Oh honey, no! YOU are my girl. I just thought she was cool and wanted us BOTH to hang out with her." and then went from there to resolve the issue, I would have a different take. Although in this case, "resolving the issue" would be her bf letting go of any potential friendship with Beth. It isn't as if they are already friends. He doesn't know her and is losing nothing by not pursuing friendship with her.
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