Stina Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) I haven't posted on this site before but I needed an outlet or maybe some advice or support. I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago and the guilt of my break up hurts so bad I'm considering therapy, and that sounds completely messed up. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for a little over a year and about 3 months into our relationship he had to move 5 hours away. After a break up scare, he moved back down with a friend to be near me and then once again was forced to move back home. None of that completely matters because we were making do and the distance wasn't the deal breaker for me...it was his anger issues. Little things constantly upset him to the point where he'd be furious at me for the whole day and I was walking on egg shells. The first break up we had was due to his anger and he called me crying begging for a second chance, and I loved him so I took him back (and that's when he moved down). This last break up also reached its breaking point due to a petty issue and I had been having doubts about the longevity of our relationship. I didn't see him being my "forever" no matter how hard I tried. The relationship was taking away more of my life than adding to it and I couldn't find the energy to make the relationship work, especially with all my doubts about it. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain a decision I made for myself but this guilt is killing me. My ex made me his life, claims I'm the only thing good in his life, and as much as I did not want to make him feel as if he could have gone back and changed anything in the relationship (because the doubts I had were dead set) ...when he called asking to give me a better reason why I didn't want to make the relationship work I broke down and told him I couldn't handle his anger and he wasn't treating me like I wanted to be treated. I admitted that I didn't see us being forever and I didn't have "the energy for the relationship." It wasn't enough for him and he still thought it was mostly due to the distance...he said things like "I would have slept in my car for you" or "I'd do anything for you" "I have no one else in my life I don't know what else to live for" I knew that the guilt would be hard to deal with but it's eating me alive. I hate that I'm the reason he's so devastated and all I want to do is check up on him. That's so extremely selfish of me to break up with him and wish that he was doing okay....but I'm scared for him. When will he be okay? Will I be the reason his life goes off track? I don't even know if he has friends to turn to or how he will manage to cope. Edited July 19, 2014 by Stina
dumbass2 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) It's completely normal for you to feel that way especially if you could see it was so hard on him. I can tell you as a dumpee, I would have appreciated no contact from my ex in order to help me heal and move on. the longer she initiated contact the more confused I was. As long as you are upfront and honest with where you stand and are not going to waver that's all you can do. I think the dumper should not contact the dumpee unless they truly feel that they made a mistake and believe there is a future with the ex. I think further contact right now will make it more painful for him. Maybe check in on him a month or so down the road? My ex also still was keeping in contact with her ex boyfriend while we were together and some people just don't know how or are afraid to let someone go when they know in their heart that person is just not right for them. It's kinda selfish to keep stringing people, but I know yours is not the same case. Edited July 19, 2014 by dumbass2
flight E Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 U truly have a gud heart but know that it's not your duty to take care of him. It is his duty. There is nothing you can do so don't beat urself over this 1
Downtown Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 The distance wasn't the deal breaker for me...it was his anger issues. Little things constantly upset him to the point where he'd be furious at me for the whole day....Stina, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (berating you), lack of impulse control, inability to do self soothing, and temper tantrums -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest you read about the typical BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I was walking on egg shells. That is exactly how you should have been feeling if you were dating a BPDer for a year. This is why the most popular BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells. I knew that the guilt would be hard to deal with but it's eating me alive....I'm scared for him. When will he be okay? Will I be the reason his life goes off track?Again, that is exactly how you should be feeling when walking away from a BPDer. Because a BPDer (i.e., person with strong BPD traits) is emotionally immature, he will exhibit the warmth of expression and volatility that otherwise is seen only in young children. Walking away from such a person feels like you are abandoning a vulnerable child. Indeed, if you really were dating a BPDer for a year, you likely had more of a parent/child relationship than a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I therefore suggest that, if most of the warning signs on the above mention list sound very familiar, you take a look at my more detailed explanation of what it is like to date a BPDer in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Stina. 1
I am Bud Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Dear Stina You were completely right to end this relationship because it was making you miserable and it is obvious that he is not ready to be in one. Please do not feel guilty about doing what you had to do because if you had not made that tough decision then you still would be walking on eggshells and you still would bearing the brunt of his anger. Your ex-boyfriend clearly has anger management issues and instead of taking on the responsibility of it by himself and dealing with it in a mature manner, he lashes out at people and starts to blame them for his misery. There is no doubt that because you were the only actor in his life that he vented most of his frustrations out on you. If you were indeed the only good thing in his life then he had a heck of a way of expressing it. What normal person cherishes their partner by constantly abusing them?! It was evident that your partner drained the life out of the relationship through his pettiness. With abusive/angry partners the relationship is not ruled by the principles of reciprocating love and respect but rather on ego and selfishness. It is a controlling relationship because by walking on eggshells you continuously give in to their demands as you don't want to flare up another argument. That is no way for anybody to live because it is mentally and physically draining. Healthy relationships are not founded on ultimate sacrifices and making someone your entire world. That is a completely unbalanced view to have and is not sustainable. The happiness that he wants he has to look inside to discover before he even tries to have a relationship with anybody else. In conclusion you should be proud of yourself for recognizing all the red flags in the relationship and listening to your inner voice. I think the only mistake here would be if you considered going back to him. He has to take this breakup as a life lesson and restructure his own life for the positive. You have given this relationship all you can and it is evident that it has run it's course. You made the right decision so feel good about yourself. All the best - Bud.
JimmyWeezy Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Ah! I wish my ex would feel half as guilty as you do. Fu**in a**hole
Author Stina Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 It's completely normal for you to feel that way especially if you could see it was so hard on him. I can tell you as a dumpee, I would have appreciated no contact from my ex in order to help me heal and move on. the longer she initiated contact the more confused I was. You're right, it wouldn't be fair because I'm sure he would also end up feeling very confused and I don't want to give him any false hope. I'll take your advice and maybe try contacting him a month from now. I therefore suggest that, if most of the warning signs on the above mention list sound very familiar, you take a look at my more detailed explanation of what it is like to date a BPDer in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Stina. I am not an established member on this site so i cannot yet private message you but I would really like to discuss that possibility with you. It is difficult for me to label him as having a "disorder" but there are so many red flags that fit his personality exactly. I feel like that's why he was not able to change no matter how many times he promised me he would or no matter how many wake up calls I gave him. Your ex-boyfriend clearly has anger management issues and instead of taking on the responsibility of it by himself and dealing with it in a mature manner, he lashes out at people and starts to blame them for his misery. There is no doubt that because you were the only actor in his life that he vented most of his frustrations out on you. This really resonated so strongly with me because this was his exact explanation for why he was always expressing anger towards me, because I was the only "important" person in his life. I would always tell him that he cannot make HIS bad days or HIS frustrations OUR bad days and OUR frustrations. Your response has really helped me put my break up into perspective and I am extremely grateful. You are a great person. I hope that my ex can learn how to make himself happy before expecting others too.
Author Stina Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 I really appreciate everyone's responses it's extremely comforting
Author Stina Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) [UPDATE: 7/20/2014] My ex contacted me last night asking to have a chance to talk to me "one last time" and then he would leave me alone. I agreed because I thought it would help him understand that I wasn't taking him back and we would never be in a relationship again. I thought it was going great, he even said he understood that I was making the most "logical" decision but somehow the conversation shifted again to how he would do anything for me and I was losing someone who truly understood me. He even guilted me...saying things like he still called me beautiful even while I had braces (21 year old with braces isn't the worst thing to hit the female gender) or that he stuck with me even though I have multiple sclerosis...and by that point I exploded because he won't be the first or last to "deal" with me. Even though he admitted he had issues to work past and said he would go to counseling for his anger, I think deep down he will never get over the fact that I should feel lucky to have him and thus deal with him at his "lowest point". Maybe I should feel guilty that I'm not willing to stick with him through his anger or believe that he's even capable of changing, but I guess none of that would change my doubts about the relationship. I know he's still not handling the breakup well but I'm starting to feel much less responsible for his feelings. He also sent me five old photos of us from when we were together (from our anniversary and trips we took together, etc)...and that hurt. I know he is doing this to convince me that I'm missing out on something and I don't think the breakup will ever get through to him unless I completely cut him off from all contact and social media. Edited July 21, 2014 by Stina 1
mightycpa Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Pretty soon, you'll understand that you're only responsible for your own feelings, and half the time or more, you can't control them either. To feel guilty about this is a complete waste of energy. Relationships aren't prison sentences. You wanted out because of who he was, and he didn't like it. This forum is filled with people who didn't like it. It happens to millions of people, for lots or reasons or for no reason at all. It's not like you cheated on him with his brother, or shot his dog, or promised him you'd stay with him forever, right? Guilt is for the guilty, and you didn't do anything wrong. Let it go.
dumbass2 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Yes, you have to now completely close him out and block him everywhere. You did what you thought was best and most people on here do (including myself) and then it doesn't go as they thought. Time to end it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Let him go and you are young and will find that special someone for you.
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