Marek Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I haven't had a girlfriend in roughly 6 years. I haven't had sex in roughly 4 years. I am turning 30 years old in a few weeks. I've tried online dating this year, but to no avail. One "date" lasted 15 minutes with her saying "Well I should be going, it was nice to meet you." No hug or even a handshake goodbye; she just got up and left (we were in a café). Another girl I met online and then in person even stooped so low as to say, whilst I was in the toilet, her Mom phoned and said her Dad had a stroke and was in hospital. I knew it was bullsh*t because she didn't seem all that worried about her Dad. She finished her meal and during the drive home she chatted as though nothing was wrong. You know you suck at dating when a chick has to use a life-threatening excuse to end the date quicker. All up this year, I've had 6 one-off dates. Not one of them even felt enough "chemistry" for a friendship. They simply wanted nothing more to do with me. This constant rejection is adversely affecting my self-esteem and self-image. Even the little things, such as flirting, I don't get. The last time I *thought* a girl was flirting with me was last year. Most of the time females, younger females, speak to me in a monotone voice and they NEVER smile at me. It makes me feel physically unattractive. Even if I were walking in the mall and a girl walked by and gave me eye contact and seductive smile it would brighten my day. The only females who smile at me are age pensioners. What can I do to get female's interest? I feel as though I'm too unattractive to get a girlfriend. Hell, most guys my age are in serious relationships or engaged or married. Sex, companionship, intimacy, love... I'm missing out on all these fundamental experiences. But what can I do?
Cunning_Linguist Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Yes, you are probably too "unattractive" to get a girlfriend. Luckily for you, attractiveness is something you can influence, and your looks is only one variable...and a variable that you can change at that. What you are doing isn't working. What do you do when something isn't working? You make changes. If you are serious about getting women in your life, then you're going to have to make some serious changes. It's definitely not too late for you. The fact that you are on here being proactive about it is a big step in the right direction. I'd reccomend joining one of the self-improvement sites for men. Those have a lot of guides and experienced members that can get you on the right track. A lot of these members (me included) started exactly where you are right now.
Andy_K Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Okay, so: What are you doing to become better looking? What are you doing to become better company? 1
deathandtaxes Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Do you have any female friends? Something isn't quite jiving if dates are bailing on you. Female friends can point out what's going on. You might be giving off a weird vibe or other body language issues. You may be misrepresenting yourself online. There could be any number of things, but you need some assistance from somebody of the opposite sex that knows you. What are you doing to improve yourself? Exercise and working out do miracles for guys. They make you look better, feel better, and will improve your confidence a helluva lot. Do you have hobbies or other interests to keep you busy? These will keep you occupied so you're not all 'woe is me' all the time. Are you trying to meet women outside of online dating?
Elle1975 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Two things I'd ask.. are you in shape, and do you dress properly. That's where I'd start.
rocketman122 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 overweight, ugly, or both? well then the only thing I can recommend is work on that. work out, get anew haircut, clothes. whatever you need to do. with women, you need to get a chance to have their eyes locked on you, and once you do that you can add on the charm with your linguistics. but if youre a fugly one, they see you and say no way automatically. but most people are just whiners and never do anything to make a change.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Well, you've gotten more dates than I have. I don't know how you look, but my guess is you're probably not quite Quasimodo or the Elephant Man. Most people are somewhere in the middle of the pack. And that's fine. There's probably something else going on besides your looks.
Assasda Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Never put yourself in a victim mentality. The "Woe is me mentality" THere are tons of books to read. Try reading about communication, dating techniques, and sales. If you know a lot about Sales, it comes in handy when dating. Date to have fun, dont date, to get something out of it. And lastly, its a numbers game, if you and a girl arnt compatible, you should say to youre self "your loss chick, I'm a hellofa good guy" 1
Blade96 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Geeze, some people here are harsh. The fact is MOST people are not "in shape" have the body or an athlete or a six pack or whatever. Not even most people who are at a normal weight for their body type and height. But MOST people have relationships and are married or have a relationship without the wedding. Something else is going on here. And it isn't him not being in shape or his clothes. 3
Author Marek Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Well, I'm 6'2" and 195lbs. I go to the gym four times a week. I'm in fairly good shape; but of course, there's always room for improvement.
Eivuwan Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I get the feeling that it's probably not about the looks. Can you think of what happens during the dates? Are you too shy? Too standoffish? Too anxious? Why don't you describe a couple of interactions for us? Also how many dates have you been on? 1
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I get the feeling that it's probably not about the looks. Can you think of what happens during the dates? Are you too shy? Too standoffish? Too anxious? Why don't you describe a couple of interactions for us? Also how many dates have you been on? I would have to agree. In online dating, looks are initially a big part in getting conversation and a date secured. You said you've been on 6 dates, so I would imagine the looks and online conversation are not the issue, so details would help. Are you socially awkward? What do you wear on these dates? Are your pics current? Something is happening in the physical meet that is turning these women off. 1
rewl Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Ok. Your problem seems to be that your dates basically find you awkward, uninteresting, boring etc. that's why they want to leave dates early. That's the only reason why somebody would just cut and run quickly. The solution is simple; since you can't make dates last long, then DON'T try to make them last long. In fact, end the date after 12 minutes. Make sure you put in a good 12 minute performance of asking her open-ended questions, laughing at her silly jokes, maybe crack a joke or two to get her laughing and don't talk about yourself too much other than extremely basic information. Then abruptly end the date after 12 minutes and say you already planned to go somewhere and you didn't intend the first meeting to last long. When you leave her, make it casually clear that you enjoyed her and want to see her again by saying "it was nice chatting, hopefully we'll see each other again sometime". This will cause her massive confusion and curiosity. You'll have a good chance of a second date.
Eivuwan Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 This will cause her massive confusion and curiosity. You'll have a good chance of a second date. This would only secure people who are not ready to be in a healthy relationship because healthy relationships = no game playing. 1
Author Marek Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 I get the feeling that it's probably not about the looks. Can you think of what happens during the dates? Are you too shy? Too standoffish? Too anxious? Why don't you describe a couple of interactions for us? Also how many dates have you been on? I am rather shy in person; however, I do let them know about this online before we meet in person. I get anxious, too. I'm worried I'll say something wrong and the girl will (in her head) roll her eyes. That's why I never make jokes on dates; I'm worried that if I try to be funny it will not pan out. I'm always very polite, courteous, etc. I would have to agree. In online dating, looks are initially a big part in getting conversation and a date secured. You said you've been on 6 dates, so I would imagine the looks and online conversation are not the issue, so details would help. Are you socially awkward? What do you wear on these dates? Are your pics current? Something is happening in the physical meet that is turning these women off. Yes, my pics were all recent. And they weren't "Myspace" angles or anything. Just full body pics and a few headshots showing me in every day light. My style is good, so I've been told. I often wear right-fitting jeans and a polo shirt with black shoes when going on a date. Two of the dates were in cafés, other four were in mid-class restaurants. Damn, you know how bad it feels when a chick up and leaves after all of 15 minutes? Or makes up an excuse that her Dad had a stroke, just to get away from me ASAP? Not a nice feeling, at all. I think I come off a funny and suave online but that's not me in real life. HOWEVER, as I wrote earlier, I do tell these guys I'm initially shy around new people. Ok. Your problem seems to be that your dates basically find you awkward, uninteresting, boring etc. that's why they want to leave dates early. That's the only reason why somebody would just cut and run quickly. The solution is simple; since you can't make dates last long, then DON'T try to make them last long. In fact, end the date after 12 minutes. Make sure you put in a good 12 minute performance of asking her open-ended questions, laughing at her silly jokes, maybe crack a joke or two to get her laughing and don't talk about yourself too much other than extremely basic information. Then abruptly end the date after 12 minutes and say you already planned to go somewhere and you didn't intend the first meeting to last long. When you leave her, make it casually clear that you enjoyed her and want to see her again by saying "it was nice chatting, hopefully we'll see each other again sometime". This will cause her massive confusion and curiosity. You'll have a good chance of a second date. Hmm... this is an interesting idea. If all else fails it's worth a shot, I guess.
thekid36 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I haven't had a girlfriend in roughly 6 years. I haven't had sex in roughly 4 years. I am turning 30 years old in a few weeks. I've tried online dating this year, but to no avail. One "date" lasted 15 minutes with her saying "Well I should be going, it was nice to meet you." No hug or even a handshake goodbye; she just got up and left (we were in a café). Another girl I met online and then in person even stooped so low as to say, whilst I was in the toilet, her Mom phoned and said her Dad had a stroke and was in hospital. I knew it was bullsh*t because she didn't seem all that worried about her Dad. She finished her meal and during the drive home she chatted as though nothing was wrong. You know you suck at dating when a chick has to use a life-threatening excuse to end the date quicker. All up this year, I've had 6 one-off dates. Not one of them even felt enough "chemistry" for a friendship. They simply wanted nothing more to do with me. This constant rejection is adversely affecting my self-esteem and self-image. Even the little things, such as flirting, I don't get. The last time I *thought* a girl was flirting with me was last year. Most of the time females, younger females, speak to me in a monotone voice and they NEVER smile at me. It makes me feel physically unattractive. Even if I were walking in the mall and a girl walked by and gave me eye contact and seductive smile it would brighten my day. The only females who smile at me are age pensioners. What can I do to get female's interest? I feel as though I'm too unattractive to get a girlfriend. Hell, most guys my age are in serious relationships or engaged or married. Sex, companionship, intimacy, love... I'm missing out on all these fundamental experiences. But what can I do? Sounds as if you are putting too much into meeting someone. That is not a knock against you. It just means that trying to force something is never usually the right path. There is no one right place or way to meet someone. Just because you are not with a woman right now does not mean that you're not worthy. Nor, that you are not a good enough person. You just have to wait for the right time. Try to find more happiness in other things which interest you and not invest all of it having to be with someone. One of the things that you may want to consider is that confidence is a huge turn on to many women. Not that you have to be pompous. Just that it may help to try being just a little more positive. You are trying to get a woman to like you and to want to know more. This means that you need to not try so hard. Be yourself and confident in what you can offer.
Eivuwan Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I am rather shy in person; however, I do let them know about this online before we meet in person. I get anxious, too. I'm worried I'll say something wrong and the girl will (in her head) roll her eyes. That's why I never make jokes on dates; I'm worried that if I try to be funny it will not pan out. I'm always very polite, courteous, etc. I guess it's time to learn to be less shy and be yourself even around new people. I know it's hard. I still take a few minutes to warm up sometimes, but this is something you have to get over because shyness makes it hard for people to get to know you. Stop worrying about whether you are good enough for them and focus on the moment and whether THEY are compatible with you. Hmm... this is an interesting idea. If all else fails it's worth a shot, I guess. No, this is a bad idea. A normal healthy woman would be extremely turned off. She came all the way to meet you and you leave after 12 minutes?! You know how bad that feels so why do it to other people. responses in bold
angel.eyes Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I get the feeling that it's probably not about the looks. Can you think of what happens during the dates? Are you too shy? Too standoffish? Too anxious? Why don't you describe a couple of interactions for us? Also how many dates have you been on? I agree. It's likely what you say or do on these dates. If a date is just boring or there's no chemistry, most people suck it up and stick it out to the end of the date. They just won't go on another date. These women are actively coming up with excuses to bail early in the date. You're either really offending them or making them very uncomfortable. What happened just before you went to the bathroom? What topics are you discussing on your dates? Are you hands-y? Can you describe what happens on these dates?
Scales Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I am rather shy in person; however, I do let them know about this online before we meet in person. I get anxious, too. I'm worried I'll say something wrong and the girl will (in her head) roll her eyes. That's why I never make jokes on dates; I'm worried that if I try to be funny it will not pan out. I'm always very polite, courteous, etc. Yes, my pics were all recent. And they weren't "Myspace" angles or anything. Just full body pics and a few headshots showing me in every day light. My style is good, so I've been told. I often wear right-fitting jeans and a polo shirt with black shoes when going on a date. Two of the dates were in cafés, other four were in mid-class restaurants. Damn, you know how bad it feels when a chick up and leaves after all of 15 minutes? Or makes up an excuse that her Dad had a stroke, just to get away from me ASAP? Not a nice feeling, at all. I think I come off a funny and suave online but that's not me in real life. HOWEVER, as I wrote earlier, I do tell these guys I'm initially shy around new people. Hmm... this is an interesting idea. If all else fails it's worth a shot, I guess. I have a few tips for you You need to relax man. You are putting far too much worth in to another person's opinion. So what if a woman rolls her eyes at you for not being funny? You need to have a response to it that doesn't include shame or panic. Don't allow yourself to invest in a first date. It's supposed to be FUN. Also, if you're the guy you have to be funny. You have to be the entertainer. That just happens to be the way it is unfortunately. I have always been the more interesting person on my dates and I prefer it. It gives me the edge to show them how being with me can improve their life (that sounds horribly egotistical, and sometimes women love that when used sparringly) Stop beating yourself up about getting left on dates. Rejection is inevitable and natural. A girl once lied to me about her grandpa dieing to get out of a date with me. I don't care. I certainly wouldn't blame myself for that either. Do you think I want to date someone like that? More like I'm grateful she saved me a lot of time. You need to realize rejection early on is the best you can do. It saves you from investment, both emotionally and monetarily. Don't lost confidence from it and don't think it you can't win. 6 girls is a very VERY low number. If you were getting shot down by 20-30 in a year then I would say you have more things to work on. Get out there, you can do it. Express yourself freely.
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