wavesandrain Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I joined because I really, really need some help. I can't focus properly at work, I am anxious and so confused. A brief bit of background. My ex and I were together for about a year and a half. It was fun although he did keep me at arms length. This drove me crazy and just made me want him more. He dumped me and we both ended up going to different unis. During that time we met up and would have sex and hang out. We did this for about a year. I told him I still loved him- he said he wanted nothing to do with me. We didn't have any contact at all for a year or so - maybe more- I dunno. Out of the blue, he got back in touch and told me had a girlfriend. I said great. I was confused. He wanted to meet- we ended up having sex. He was in a sort of relationship with her- during which time he would call me and have sex with me a few hours a week. I am not proud of this at all and would never do this again- it's soul destroying. They finished. We both went back to our hometowns after uni. Since then, we've been having sex every weekend. This has been going on for THREE WHOLE YEARS. I stay at his. We go for dinner. We go on mini breaks. On day breaks. We go on holiday. I sleep at his. We do sports together and watch movies and drink together. He says he doesn't want me or think of me as a girlfriend. He gets SO angry when I ask if he's sleeping with other girls, or if he wants to be with someone else. He has met up with an ex a few times and gets angry if I ask if there was/is anything between them. I feel that I should know- if I'm having sex with him.... If he doesn't fancy it one week he will blow me off and then gets angry if I then say I don't want to meet him. He says I am acting like a crazy person. I am SO confused. This is MORE than FWB. But he makes it so clear he doesn't want me like that. So - WTF IS THIS? For Xmas he spent £60 on a ring for me. Friends or FWB don't do this. If I say I can't do this anymore or just stop speaking with him, he will often send a message saying he misses me or I'm his best friend etc. What on earth is going on here? This isn't normal and I don't know what to do. It's like an addiction. I keep getting hurt- if we didn't do all the 'couple' stuff I would understand it's just sex. But the fact we do everything else like holidays and nights out... I just DON'T UNDERSTAND. I can't figure out what to do for the best.
zen2475 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Yes...it's a bit more than FWB. He's getting all the perks of having a girlfriend and all the sex he wants without giving you a proper relationship. And you are allowing it, because you are hoping for more. With this situation, what you see is what you get, and as long you keep wishing for more you will continue to be frustrated. Ultimately, you know you want more than what he is giving, but you have to realize he will not step up to the plate. He is getting all he wants. This is not working for you and you will have to walk away and be strong. If he contacts, you don't answer. You block him and ignore him. 2
CaliGypsy Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I do see it as FWB. Y'all hang out and do things that friends would do, but you also have sex. The only way you can change this arrangement is to tell him you're sorry, but it's not working for you anymore. Do I think he's acting like a jerk? sure. Even though he's been upfront about not wanting a relationship with you, he knows how you feel and I know that's hurtful. I get that the fact that you had a past relationship clouds things. (at least for you) If this setup is not mutually gratifying you really need to think about ending it and moving on. He can only continue to use you if you let him. He uses anger to manipulate you into thinking this arrangement is okay. At this point since you've expressed your issues with it, it's not. 2
Author wavesandrain Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 I haven't told him how I feel because I know he'd just get angry with me for 'leading him on' - ie- pretending everything's ok when I'm hurt and want more. So I don't know... But when he got my that ring I thought... What's...why...
BC1980 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I am SO confused. This is MORE than FWB. But he makes it so clear he doesn't want me like that. So - WTF IS THIS? For Xmas he spent £60 on a ring for me. Friends or FWB don't do this. What on earth is going on here? This isn't normal and I don't know what to do. It's like an addiction. I keep getting hurt- if we didn't do all the 'couple' stuff I would understand it's just sex. But the fact we do everything else like holidays and nights out... I just DON'T UNDERSTAND. I can't figure out what to do for the best. Yes, this is called FWB. It's pretty clear what it is. He has made very clear exactly what he wants from you, and that is not at all compatible with what you want. Know that he is certain that you want more, and it makes him uncomfortable, which is why he doesn't want you to bring it up. All of the hurt is self-inflicted by the way. You aren't confused. You know what's going on here. You may not want to admit it, but you know. Please have some self respect for yourself, and get out now. This situation is already detrimental to your self-esteem and not going well. When he finds someone else, it's going to end even worse for you. I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate to call you up for sex even if he finds someone else. Don't take this as mean but as frank talk to get through to you. You've wasted a lot of years on this guy. 2
music_and_poetry Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Awwww this situation sounds heart wrenching and I can relate. My "ex" was never really a bf. We dated exclusively for 3 months and saw each other 1-2 times a week. Is that fwb? I don't even know. Things were going well but he was dragging his feet. Also, I was putting in most of the effort - driving to him after work, trying to keep in touch throughout the week, coming up with ideas of things to do. It finally hit me when my job changed schedules (complicating things on my end) that it was an endless cycle of effort on my end and I wasn't any closer to getting what I wanted. I point blank asked him how he was feeling about things and he said he still wasn't 100% on "us". Before we happened he was in a serious relationship with a girl for 5 years which he ended. He's been in the dating pool a little over a year now but I was the first girl he seemed to really connect with. Still, I suspect he was reluctant and afraid to commit. Finally messaged me three days later (on Facebook of all things) saying that he agreed with everything that I said but considering where we are in life he doesn't think a serious relationship would be the right thing. Whatever. I didn't beg or plead but I told him that it was very inconsiderate of him to string me along for 3 months while he "figured himself out" he gave a really meaningless apology and blamed me for getting serious about things. I ended that convo by telling him I cared about him and wanted reciprocation and I didn't know why it was a big deal to him but it wasn't my problem and that I could do better than how he was treating me. I have been in NC for a month and I am still angry. However I am doing everything I can to move my life forward and you should too. I do hope he owns up to his crap and apologizes to me one day but I know it's very likely he won't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, we're both in this together and neither of us deserve to be options. We deserve to be someone our men can appreciate and respect. We deserve to be valued and cared about. This is not it. 1
mightycpa Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 "He says he doesn't want me or think of me as a girlfriend." But, you're giving him sex, and plenty of it. You should take him at his word, and then decide if you can live with it that way. I had an FWB, but we were friends first.. sex was just that, a benefit of knowing each other, not the main part of our relationship. We enjoyed each others' company, but neither of us needed the other one to love us back... it was true friendship, and lasted almost 15 years, through all of our gf and bf, until I introduced her to her now husband. This doesn't sound like what you have. It sounds like you're an XWB, not an FWB.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) Yeah, you are a FWB. He has sex with you, he hangs out with you doing friend things and he withdraws as soon as you mention a romantic relationship. And that's the way it will always be. Once a guy establishes you in that role, you aren't getting out of it, especially if you continue to have sex with him. Consider it the male version of putting someone in the friend zone, except instead of "being there" for moral support and comfort, you are there to have sex with him. The thing is, you know the score of this game. You know its a lose-lose situation. Like BC1980 said, all of this is self-inflicted pain at this point. Yes, perhaps he should let you go, but it's not up to him to save you from yourself. You need to be the one to put your foot down and get out of this situation -- you can't expect him to do it for you. And why should he do it for you -- he gets whatever the hell he want with minimal or no effort. There is absolutely no reason for him to become your romantic partner because you are willing to stay around for much, much less. Honestly, this is a dead-end road you're traveling. I think you know this, but you are hoping for some magic potion that will make him see you the way you want him to see you. Unfortunately, this isn't a Hollywood romantic comedy and that potion doesn't exist. I'm sorry you are going through this, but it's time for you to take control of your life, cut this man off, heal, move forward and find someone who will want to be in a fulfilling romantic relationship with you, not just making you his slampiece. Edited July 19, 2014 by Simon Phoenix 2
Author wavesandrain Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 I do see it as FWB. Y'all hang out and do things that friends would do, but you also have sex. The only way you can change this arrangement is to tell him you're sorry, but it's not working for you anymore. Do I think he's acting like a jerk? sure. Even though he's been upfront about not wanting a relationship with you, he knows how you feel and I know that's hurtful. I get that the fact that you had a past relationship clouds things. (at least for you) If this setup is not mutually gratifying you really need to think about ending it and moving on. He can only continue to use you if you let him. He uses anger to manipulate you into thinking this arrangement is okay. At this point since you've expressed your issues with it, it's not. You think he's manipulating me with anger? I do echo what people one his thread this have said- I know deep down it will never change. I think I'm just scared to finish it in case this leads to him going off and finding someone else. I know that sounds dumb coz I don't 'have' him anyway. The thought of him with someone else kills me. Even though he's not exactly nice to me- I don't know what I'm holding on for. I need to meet some new people I think. Take my mind away from it all. 1
BC1980 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 You think he's manipulating me with anger? I do echo what people one his thread this have said- I know deep down it will never change. I think I'm just scared to finish it in case this leads to him going off and finding someone else. I know that sounds dumb coz I don't 'have' him anyway. The thought of him with someone else kills me. Even though he's not exactly nice to me- I don't know what I'm holding on for. I need to meet some new people I think. Take my mind away from it all. You're holding on because you want him to feel the same way you do, but it's not going to happen. Logically, you know how awful this entire situation is, but your heart won't let go. You will take any attention he gives you, and he can do as he pleases. Your self-esteem has probably eroded away to rock bottom after 3 years of this treatment. The really bad part is that you are entirely complicit and even want this treatment. You know what you need to do. Go NC, and don't look back. He won't care that much, and you know that too. He will find someone else one day, with or without you as FWB. 1
Author wavesandrain Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 You're holding on because you want him to feel the same way you do, but it's not going to happen. Logically, you know how awful this entire situation is, but your heart won't let go. You will take any attention he gives you, and he can do as he pleases. Your self-esteem has probably eroded away to rock bottom after 3 years of this treatment. The really bad part is that you are entirely complicit and even want this treatment. You know what you need to do. Go NC, and don't look back. He won't care that much, and you know that too. He will find someone else one day, with or without you as FWB. Thank you. Yes I know it's awful. If I could film and watch it all replayed in sure I'd wonder what the hell I'm doing. As for self esteem- I'm pretty sure that's completely gone- I think any normal person wouldn't do this. Or they'd stop the sex and just have a 'regular' friendship. I do know he will meet someone else whether I'm around or not/ I thij I've just got this twisted idea that if I'm there- with him still I won't go out of his mind. Whereas if I stopped- he'd pick someone else up. I know that just says in replaceable- I think you're right, self esteem is so low- I just feel like he's the only one out there who will be with me like this/sleep with me. I haven't met anyone else during this time. I've had about two or three dates but they never lead anywhere. Xx
I am Bud Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Dear wavesandrain A good relationship is one that grows with a couple over time. The relationship that you have now is pretty much stagnant and is going nowhere because the other party doesn't even recognize it as a relationship. If you decide to settle with what this guy is prepared to give you then you are in danger of always being that other girl, the booty call whom he will call if his sexual needs are not met by his significant other. He may or may not have one now but he will eventually and when that day comes you are going to be in a world of hurt and pain. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not see you as his girlfriend so take that warning to heart and yearn for his affections no longer. A gift can be given in any number of ways and it is the intent behind it that is the main thing to consider. Remember in ages past that even the finest courtesans were showered with gifts as payments for there services. The ring that you received at xmas did not come with a promise of his heart but only as a present for being such a great 'friend'. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to break it off with this guy entirely because you are denying yourself the thing that you crave the most and that is for someone who loves you for you. This person is out there if you but stop squandering your time on this fool. Why not search for someone who loves you for both your mind and body and not just the latter?! When you do meet him you will see how great a relationship can be. All the best - Bud. btw I heard somewhere that you have to kiss a few frogs before you can find the right prince. 1
BC1980 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Thank you. Yes I know it's awful. If I could film and watch it all replayed in sure I'd wonder what the hell I'm doing. As for self esteem- I'm pretty sure that's completely gone- I think any normal person wouldn't do this. Or they'd stop the sex and just have a 'regular' friendship. I do know he will meet someone else whether I'm around or not/ I thij I've just got this twisted idea that if I'm there- with him still I won't go out of his mind. Whereas if I stopped- he'd pick someone else up. I know that just says in replaceable- I think you're right, self esteem is so low- I just feel like he's the only one out there who will be with me like this/sleep with me. I haven't met anyone else during this time. I've had about two or three dates but they never lead anywhere. Xx Actually, a lot of people stay in cr@p relationships for this very reason. It is a sign of low self-esteem, but I think you'd be surprised at how many people get caught up in these types of relationships. The fact is that you are the reason he is the only one who is currently sleeping with you/giving you some type of relationship or any attention at all. He's not that powerful, but you've given him a great deal of power. Notice I said you. Who decided that you should be treated like this and that he is the only one who will give you any attention? Who told you that? The answer is that you told yourself that, and you have come to believe it because it has been going on for 3 years. You have ingrained it into your psyche. The good news is that you also have the power to undo it and to relearn that you are worthy of much more than this. You control so much more than you think. 2
2sunny Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I hope you will end it. You've been allowing him to use you. He's not into being with you but he wants the sex. This could really put you at risk health wise. He's not going to change. Since you want more - end it. Then you'll be more interested in finding a guy who wants to make you his top priority. Never settle - you deserve the best. 1
Author wavesandrain Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 The advice on this thread is great. I'm not quite sure how to start to grow self esteem... The gym I imagine is a good place to start but after that ...I'm not sure. It will be extremely difficult to let this go. Xxx
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 The advice on this thread is great. I'm not quite sure how to start to grow self esteem... The gym I imagine is a good place to start but after that ...I'm not sure. It will be extremely difficult to let this go. Xxx The first step to getting back your self esteem is to cut contact with this guy, so you can prove you don't need him.
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