DannyCA Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 As said in the title, I'm currently stopping the progress of a current relationship because of a past one. Things are good with my new GF except for one thing. I am still conflicted about my ex. I thought I was over my ex. We have been broken up for a year and a half, I haven't spoken to her in more than six months, deleted her off of my social media for longer, etc. Tonight though a friend of mine mentioned her and it completely ruined my night. My current GF saw how upset I was after and asked me about it. Before I was very reserved about telling her about my ex and tonight I told her everything about why I resent her. Wtf is going on with me? I don't want things about an ex from so long ago to ruin what I have going now but it seems like I can't control it. How do I just forget? My GF asked me if I forgive my ex and I said no. I don't forgive my ex, I'm just trying to forget. My GF told me that I can't move on if I don't forgive her but idk how to do that. So my GF told me tonight to take the week alone to really figure out my issues. How am I supposed to do that? How do I forgive someone I have been resenting for so long? Am I supposed to contact her and hash things out? I seriously regret the way things turned out with my ex who dumped me, but I feel like I'll regret even more if I let that ruin what I have going with my GF. Has anyone been in a similar position? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
learning_slowly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I think what you need to look at is: A) we are all human and make mistakes ( if not we'd be like robots and it would be a boring world). B) most people do not go into a relationship with the intention of hurting that person ( there maybe some who go in one for the money, but that leads to a whole other discussion about the unequal redistribution of wealth). C) a lot of people are messed up due to bad parents, bullying etc (it's not a total excuse after a while people have to take responsibility for their own actions). D) legal and illegal drugs mess up the brains structure, so that people do not feel the same amount of empathy etc as other people. As an example my ex slept with somebody else and then slept with me. She basically played Russian roulette with my life. But it was not intentional. I couldn't ever be with her, but I could forgive her. The energy you waste on your resentment, could be used to think up new things for you to both enjoy in your new relationship. Is it worth saying to your current gf, you'll got to counselling if you can't achieve this in a week?
irishsimon Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 As said in the title, I'm currently stopping the progress of a current relationship because of a past one. Things are good with my new GF except for one thing. I am still conflicted about my ex. I thought I was over my ex. We have been broken up for a year and a half, I haven't spoken to her in more than six months, deleted her off of my social media for longer, etc. Tonight though a friend of mine mentioned her and it completely ruined my night. My current GF saw how upset I was after and asked me about it. Before I was very reserved about telling her about my ex and tonight I told her everything about why I resent her. Wtf is going on with me? I don't want things about an ex from so long ago to ruin what I have going now but it seems like I can't control it. How do I just forget? My GF asked me if I forgive my ex and I said no. I don't forgive my ex, I'm just trying to forget. My GF told me that I can't move on if I don't forgive her but idk how to do that. So my GF told me tonight to take the week alone to really figure out my issues. How am I supposed to do that? How do I forgive someone I have been resenting for so long? Am I supposed to contact her and hash things out? I seriously regret the way things turned out with my ex who dumped me, but I feel like I'll regret even more if I let that ruin what I have going with my GF. Has anyone been in a similar position? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hey OP, how long have you been with your gf? How long was there between your ex and the current relationship? If we do not deal with these issues alone and run to a need meeting relationship, which often just papers over the cracks, the old feelings always rear their ugly head and bite us in the ass. Not saying you did this but it is pertinent to be aware of such things.
Missy0724 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Hi. This just happened to me! Met my wonderful bf, fell in love, but after few red flags, I asked him how he felt about ex wife. He admitted he didn't know. Tried to convince me that it was ok that he still loved her. I agreed it's healthy to keep a person in your heart, ok to think of them from time to time, ok with them moving on, as both people should. That is healthy! But he far from that! He still angry at her, resent her for divorcing him, for getting large settlement in divorce, not ok she is dating. Although he was with me! For 10 months! He in therapy once a week, for over a year, talking about her and how to move on. He was supposed to do work towards forgiveness, but for 10 months I saw little progress. I was patient, understanding, but it hurt us. So so sad. He could not get closer to me, more intimate, grow, connect. He tried, but was so obvious he still not over her, still in love with her, or the idea of her. Love addiction. Not good. I saw all the signs, but stayed any way, bc everything else so good, and he my best friend. But it sucked, bc I ready for so much more. I saw a future with him. Met his kids, so amazing in so many ways. But then I began to get angry, pull back of course. How can this man say he loves me, in love with me, when he can't even be in same room as ex? Won't even go to his kids activities, if she there, bc too painful to see her? Or her with her new bf? I wouldn't be able to go either. That made me feel so crappy. What priority was I? We had few heated discussions about it. I tried and tried to get him to see he just needs to let go. I finally realized, duh, what am I doing? Trying to change this person and his way of thinking. Plus he's a recovering addict. So much baggage and issues. I have my issues, too, but I was over my ex when I met him, made that decision I ready for an exclusive relationship. I took 8 months off, after last break up, for myself, to process stuff. He did not. He was newly divorced when I met him. I know that's my part, for getting involved with someone with a lot of red flags, but I fell for him, and wanted to be open to the possibility he would make progress. Wanted to give love a chance! Please, if you care about this current GF, either go counseling together, and also face your ex and deal with those issues. Yes, the more you avoid it, you will never resolve things. My ex husband and I were angry at each other post divorce, but one thing we had was communication - so we got it all out. Many long emails, talks on phone. Mostly me venting, complaining, blaming, etc. But I needed to do that, part of process. Luckily he understood and let me get all the anger and disappointment out. Getting it out is key! But not every couple can do that. But you have to get the anger out, release it, accept it, and that it's over! Accept she doesn't want you anymore. And why would you be with someone who doesn't want you? When you have someone who does! I love my bf. It's only been a month we've been broken up. It ended bc of this issue. So sad. But his choice. He just can't and won't do the hard work to find acceptance. We don't always have to, or can't forgive. And that's ok! But if we can accept and just say, "whatever"... And enjoy what we do have, wouldn't that be great! Best for everyone? Especially you! Free yourself! Or you may lose that person who does want you, who is choosing to be with you, loving you. So sad people do this. But this is addiction, co-dependency. And it will hurt every relationship you enter into. Have to make the choice to let go, move on, be content that it's over. Things end for a reason! She is your ex for a reason! Does she want you? Does she still love you? Does she treat you well and with respect? Why did you break up? You are not together anymore! Why be a prisoner? When someone else can love you better, in healthier way??? But people make their choices...and have to live with them. I'm so sad and hurting my bf and I not together. But it's the right thing. Until he's over her, he'll never have a healthy thing. He'll never be or have a best friend. He'll never feel true intimacy. Not with me anyway. I know I can offer and receive that. And I will find and choose someone who can do the same. Live and learn! Choose wiser. Get your own crap together, before entering a new relationship! Not fair to new person! Be honest! Tell them on first date that you want and need to go slow, bc you have some baggage you still processing. So selfish and irresponsible to push it all away, think you ok, you are ready, when you know you are not! That's lying to yourself and this new person who is choosing you, giving you their time and love! Good luck! 2
Author DannyCA Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) Hey OP, how long have you been with your gf? How long was there between your ex and the current relationship? If we do not deal with these issues alone and run to a need meeting relationship, which often just papers over the cracks, the old feelings always rear their ugly head and bite us in the ass. Not saying you did this but it is pertinent to be aware of such things. It was just about a year after my BU that I started seeing my GF. I have been seeing her for 4 months now. I find myself feeling that this relationship is not going to work especially after I leave for school next month. I will be 60 miles away (which really isn't that far) but I can't help but feel were not in love. I feel that I have to let her go because I just have a gut feeling things will just go even more south once I leave. It's just a shame because she is wonderful and we do have plenty in common. We have the chemistry, the potential, but I just have that feeling that were not going to work. But is my gut feeling really that reliable? I never would have thought in a million years that my ex was going to just split on me and turn into who she did. But she did anyway. I think I should note that I haven't been looking for a new GF since my BU. I kind of like to let things just fall into place. My new GF is great and makes me feel good. I'm happy around her. I don't want to lose her but idk if it's going to work Edited July 19, 2014 by DannyCA
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