supportlove Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) I need your help. Let me lay things out. Please tell me your thoughts after. This guy I love. He is cute, a gentleman, a man always keeps his word. He is good at almost everything he touches. a very inspiring guy. He shares good energy, but deep down he is not a happy person. He said that himself. He told me even put him in paradise, he won't be 100% happy. We were together for 7 months and broke up about 3 weeks ago. Overall, our 7 month relationship is good. The part I really like was we had good communications and always managed to solve our problems in a mature way. We never really had a fight. Out of the blue, we broke up after one conversation. It seemed something bothered him lately so I asked if he would like to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk at the beginning then he said our relationship wasn’t easy for him anymore. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was him. Then, all of a sudden, he said you should focus on what you want. I asked did it mean he wanted to end it. He said he didn’t want to say anything he would regret later and he needed time to think about it. Two weeks later, he came to me. He said he would regret about this but he was going to say it. He didn’t want anything too serious right now. The thought of moving in, marriage, or kids scared him. He told me I was beautiful, smart, caring, and he really loved me. But, he cannot give what I want ( a really serious relationship leads to marriage ) He was a wrong guy for me and he should let me go. I agreed at that moment. We both cried and we broke up. We haven’t talked since, which leave me space to think things over. I understand he made pretty clear that we don’t want the same thing and we should not be together. Breaking up sounds like a rational solution at the time. However, my emotion cannot accept this since. I dated many *******s before and I know this one is a keeper. I cannot let him go without a fight. I always believe that nothing is impossible and everybody has a ‘price’. Once the ‘price’ is right, he would be mine. Here are my solutions. (Don’t laugh, I’m vulnerable now) The main problem - this relationship cannot accept that he is not able to fully commit. However, it's solvable. I think there are two core reasons to it. 1) He is not happy and I cannot fulfill his needs at this moment. But, this can be solved. I have been in a stressful project at work since the beginning of the year. My whole career depends on it, I take it very personal. so I stressed out, insecure and worried too much lately. I felt if I screwed this up, I am not worth to be a successful guy like that. I tried to hid all those feelings in front of him but it shows. I broke down couple times in front of him. My guy is not perfect. He needs a happy strong woman to take care his emotion. I am not one right now. However, I will get the project down in 2 months. I will be a happy woman again then I can fulfill this guy’s needs. 2) His job is project based. Once projects are done in this city they will move to the next city/country. Those are big projects, he will stay for at least 4-5 years. He had a wonderful ex girlfriend back home. They broke up because he had to here. I guess that was the reason he didn’t want this relationship being too serious. But, He never asked and I never told him that I don’t mind to move with him. I want to tell him that. Bottom line I really love this guy and I want to fight for him. What do you think? Edited July 19, 2014 by supportlove Don't like the first title
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I need your help. Let me lay things out. Please tell me your thoughts after. This guy I love. He is cute, a gentleman, a man always keeps his word. He is good at almost everything he touches. a very inspiring guy. He shares good energy, but deep down he is not a happy person. He said that himself. He told me even put him in paradise, he won't be 100% happy. We were together for 7 months and broke up about 3 weeks ago. Overall, our 7 month relationship is good. The part I really like was we had good communications and always managed to solve our problems in a mature way. We never really had a fight. Out of the blue, we broke up after one conversation. It seemed something bothered him lately so I asked if he would like to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk at the beginning then he said our relationship wasn’t easy for him anymore. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was him. Then, all of a sudden, he said you should focus on what you want. I asked did it mean he wanted to end it. He said he didn’t want to say anything he would regret later and he needed time to think about it. Two weeks later, he came to me. He said he would regret about this but he was going to say it. He didn’t want anything too serious right now. The thought of moving in, marriage, or kids scared him. He told me I was beautiful, smart, caring, and he really loved me. But, he cannot give what I want ( a really serious relationship leads to marriage ) He was a wrong guy for me and he should let me go. I agreed at that moment. We both cried and we broke up. We haven’t talked since, which leave me space to think things over. I understand he made pretty clear that we don’t want the same thing and we should not be together. Breaking up sounds like a rational solution at the time. However, my emotion cannot accept this since. I dated many *******s before and I know this one is a keeper. I cannot let him go without a fight. I always believe that nothing is impossible and everybody has a ‘price’. Once the ‘price’ is right, he would be mine. Here are my solutions. (Don’t laugh, I’m vulnerable now) The main problem - this relationship cannot accept that he is not able to fully commit. However, it's solvable. I think there are two core reasons to it. 1) He is not happy and I cannot fulfill his needs at this moment. But, this can be solved. I have been in a stressful project at work since the beginning of the year. My whole career depends on it, I take it very personal. so I stressed out, insecure and worried too much lately. I felt if I screwed this up, I am not worth to be a successful guy like that. I tried to hid all those feelings in front of him but it shows. I broke down couple times in front of him. My guy is not perfect. He needs a happy strong woman to take care his emotion. I am not one right now. However, I will get the project down in 2 months. I will be a happy woman again then I can fulfill this guy’s needs. 2) His job is project based. Once projects are done in this city they will move to the next city/country. Those are big projects, he will stay for at least 4-5 years. He had a wonderful ex girlfriend back home. They broke up because he had to here. I guess that was the reason he didn’t want this relationship being too serious. But, He never asked and I never told him that I don’t mind to move with him. I want to tell him that. Bottom line I really love this guy and I want to fight for him. What do you think? You know the problem with fighting? If the other person isnt fighting, you've already lost. He can tell you 900 things under the sun. Doesnt want kids, "I'm busy with work", whatever....the fact is the underlining problem is the same. When someone breaks up "Out of nowhere", it wasnt out of nowhere to him. I assure you he has thought about this for awhile. There was a reason why he left. He might not really want kids or whatever...or there might be another "equation" involved. Either way, you will probably not know exactly. You cannot fight for someone who doesnt want to be fought for. I look at this, and I'm going to be blunt: It looks pretty insecure and a slight too over analyzing. Again, you can sit there and count every reason if you really wanted to, but thats just going to cause you more crap. Best thing to do is walk away. 7
meeji Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Find someone who wants what you want...and wants you. I say its not worth it. 4
crazybestie101 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You know the problem with fighting? If the other person isnt fighting, you've already lost. He can tell you 900 things under the sun. Doesnt want kids, "I'm busy with work", whatever....the fact is the underlining problem is the same. When someone breaks up "Out of nowhere", it wasnt out of nowhere to him. I assure you he has thought about this for awhile. There was a reason why he left. He might not really want kids or whatever...or there might be another "equation" involved. Either way, you will probably not know exactly. You cannot fight for someone who doesnt want to be fought for. I look at this, and I'm going to be blunt: It looks pretty insecure and a slight too over analyzing. Again, you can sit there and count every reason if you really wanted to, but thats just going to cause you more crap. Best thing to do is walk away. Can't agree more , listen to this guy he is saying truth. I have been to your situation, i even went out of my own way to fight for my ex , nothing came out of it. 2
erklat Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 One of my friends fought for her. They reconciled in sexless relationship riddled with her insecurities and him overanalyzing constantly. He says that my recovery inspired him and that he should have listened. 3
Jason808 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I know how you feel, I wanted to do everything to save our relationship.. Literally everything. But if the other person doesn't want to make it work you can try as hard as you want your never going to get back together. Save yourself the trouble and go NC. It's the best way to get over him or get him back, one of those two is going to happen anyway. 4
Itspointless Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You know the problem with fighting? If the other person isnt fighting, you've already lost. I hate it, but this is true. I felt if I screwed this up, I am not worth to be a successful guy like that. I tried to hid all those feelings in front of him but it shows. I broke down couple times in front of him. My guy is not perfect. He needs a happy strong woman to take care his emotion.[...] They broke up because he had to here. I guess that was the reason he didn’t want this relationship being too serious. Why does HE need a happy strong woman to take care of his emotions? I don't get that part. I thought we weren't living in the 1950's any-more. Nothing wrong with taking care of each-other but this doesn't sound right. Also him breaking up with people for his job sounds a bit like a red flag to me. Are you sure he is emotionally available? I am sorry for you, let him go and take care of yourself. 2
notserene Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 How do you fight for someone who doesn't want to be with you? How can you even interact with them enough to fight for them? I never wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. Clinging to them would just be humiliating. 2
flight E Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 He doesn't sound like a keeper as you think. He sounds lik someone who will not tell you to **** off when you start the fighting for him, which would have been a blessing, he will pretend to be a gentleman as you said, keep you hanging and waste your time. The best way to get this type back is to go complete and utter nc 1
Author supportlove Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) You know the problem with fighting? If the other person isnt fighting, you've already lost. He can tell you 900 things under the sun. Doesnt want kids, "I'm busy with work", whatever....the fact is the underlining problem is the same. When someone breaks up "Out of nowhere", it wasnt out of nowhere to him. I assure you he has thought about this for awhile. There was a reason why he left. He might not really want kids or whatever...or there might be another "equation" involved. Either way, you will probably not know exactly. You cannot fight for someone who doesnt want to be fought for. I look at this, and I'm going to be blunt: It looks pretty insecure and a slight too over analyzing. Again, you can sit there and count every reason if you really wanted to, but thats just going to cause you more crap. Best thing to do is walk away. That's very true. good advise. Thank you. You are absolutely right. If the other party doesn't want to fight with me, the game is over. If there is one thing I don't like about our relationship is after he got me, he has not put enough effort into keep the relationship growing. He said once that he didn't want to set the bar too high. He didn't want to have a meaningful love at the beginning. I've been fighting alone for a while. I have been fight alone for a while and the result is not good. I just have a difficulty to accept it. I don't like things that I don't have any control on it. The feeling like he said 'sorry', then I have to say 'it's alright' and move on sucks. I want to fix things that I am not capable of. It sucks that I understand him, accept him as who he is and now just let him go. I wasted so much effort on a wrong guy and I felt humiliated. One of his colleagues advised me before that he is a good person, but he might not be ready for settling down, I should listen. Edited July 19, 2014 by supportlove
Author supportlove Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Can't agree more , listen to this guy he is saying truth. I have been to your situation, i even went out of my own way to fight for my ex , nothing came out of it. Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry for things didn't work out between you and your ex. I guess I'm kinda of seeing I'm playing a loosing game. If it feels like a right thing to do, I would just do it instead of posting a post. Maybe I should just accept it's over. We cannot always get what we want. C'est la vie.
Author supportlove Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) Why does HE need a happy strong woman to take care of his emotions? I don't get that part. I thought we weren't living in the 1950's any-more. Nothing wrong with taking care of each-other but this doesn't sound right. Also him breaking up with people for his job sounds a bit like a red flag to me. Are you sure he is emotionally available? I am sorry for you, let him go and take care of yourself. 1) you are right. It does sound weird. I tried to come up with some thing that I could do to fix us. I have difficulties on doing it. I did my best. 2) he is definitely emotional unavailable right now. He put himself on it. He chased and push me into this. But he doesn't want deep love. Once he saw love become deeper and stronger, he ran. And, I still try to help him overcome the fear. I'm stupid. Edited July 19, 2014 by supportlove
irresolute Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 It needs two people for a fight. And it's clearly only you here. Do not fight for anyone who doesn't love you. It's not worth it. Men should chase you. Not the contrary. Do not be that kind of woman who chases men asking for love. It's pretty sad. He was clear he doesn't want a relationship with you right now. Respect his decision, be wise and mature and move on. It's not the rational side of you who decided to fight for him. It's your attachment hunger for him that doesn't let you move on. 2
SCJACK Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 1) you are right. It does sound weird. I tried to come up with some thing that I could do to fix us. I have difficulties on doing it. I did my best. 2) he is definitely emotional unavailable right now. He put himself on it. He chased and push me into this. But he doesn't want deep love. Once he saw love become deeper and stronger, he ran. And, I still try to help him overcome the fear. I'm stupid. your number 2 is same situation with me... I her love became deeper but realized it wouldn't work out in the end, so she made the decision to leave.. and ran.. I still tried to fight it for awhile.. but there's no point. Like confusedhumanbeing said, if the other person is not fighting, you lost... I had a conversation with my ex about this one time... i said "are you not worth fighting for? you are worth fighting for, even when it's lost. would you rather me let go and not care then to at least put up a fight?" she seemed entertain the fact that i said she was worth it, but got me nowhere in the end... so don'mt waste your efforts.. 3
Shadowburn Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Supportlove, please don't "fight" for him because it is just so desperate and it will not make him to love or respect you more, it will only ruin whatever good memories he has of you and any possible future chance of him working through his issues and coming back ready to commit to you. Please walk away with dignity and let it all go. He is not "the one". The one would never took a chance of losing you, the one would stay with you through thick and thin. The one is still somewhere out there waiting for you to find him, so stop wasting time on the past and move on. Much love to you - I think deep inside you know what is the right thing to do here. Just do it - work though your hurt, heal, and move on. Let the guy be, he is not worth fighting for. 3
mightycpa Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Remember who you're fighting to win him back. How can you win if you're fighting the one you love? 2
Author supportlove Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 thanks everyone for your kindness.. cannot appreciate more for the support and wise advises.. 2
Author supportlove Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) Remember who you're fighting to win him back. How can you win if you're fighting the one you love? ya.. straight to the point. if he choose to cut loose and leave, how can I fight with a person I love. i've been always believe in him and trust his decision. I might trust him on this as well. maybe it is good for me in a long run. still.. so sad.. Edited July 19, 2014 by supportlove
irresolute Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Yes, very sad. and you'll need to cope with this. He's chosen not to be with you, as difficult this is to understand right now. He let you go. Someone who loves you won't let you go. He tried to do as softly as he could, trying not to hurt you, but truth is, he let you go. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Stop trying to fix what can't be fixed by you. If you do the next thing that will be broke is you. The help he needs is by a professional. I'll give him credit, he was upfront with you and told you the truth. Now either accept it or hold on for a bumpy ride with someone who is a living example of the glass that's half empty. 2
irresolute Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Stop trying to fix what can't be fixed by you. If you do the next thing that will be broke is you. The help he needs is by a professional. I'll give him credit, he was upfront with you and told you the truth. Now either accept it or hold on for a bumpy ride with someone who is a living example of the glass that's half empty. That! ^ ^ - 1
Itspointless Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 But he doesn't want deep love. Once he saw love become deeper and stronger, he ran. And, I still try to help him overcome the fear. I'm stupid. You are not stupid, and if you are than so am I. A year ago I met the female equivalent of your ex. I still can't believe she ran, but she did. She said she did not want to hurt me, but she knew herself. Fighting doesn't work, it makes them run even harder. 1
Keenly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You can try for a little while if he is really that special, but eventually you will have better luck trying to smash through a concrete wall with your face. Some battles, no matter how justified, can not be won. 4
SoleMate Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 His job is project based. Once projects are done in this city they will move to the next city/country. Those are big projects, he will stay for at least 4-5 years. He had a wonderful ex girlfriend back home. They broke up because he had to [move] here. I guess that was the reason he didn’t want this relationship being too serious. But, He never asked and I never told him that I don’t mind to move with him. I want to tell him that. Any chance that you were his local gf for the duration of his most recent project? And now he's moving on and will find a new gf in the new locale? Because that's what it sounds like to me. He could easily have asked you to move with him. But he didn't. I wouldn't start inventing excuses for this omission. A man who wanted the r/s to continue would have taken steps of some sort, but did not. 2
Author supportlove Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Thanks for sharing.. it really sucks, doesn't it? Why do they come to mess our lives?! I was devastated. My work just hits the win or lose stage. I fight with myself everyday trying to stay concentrate. My friends cannot believe it, they liked him and felt really sorry for me. They try many ways to cheer me up, all I could do is to pretend that works. It makes me sadder after I'm back home. I try to hide my feelings in front of my parents but they know me too well. My mom cried last time i visited. She said she could feel my pain. She told me not to give in too soon next time. Cannot believe my mom said that. She was the one always told me to give my best if you want something. I beat myself up just to speed healing processes. I felt so bad to bring ppl around me down. I don't understand why I deserve all those. It's so unfair! I hope the bad feelings will be gone soon. Thanks for the site though. You guys are awesome! I didn't expect I could get supports like that.
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