RonaldS Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Amidst all of the agony that we find here in the divorce forum, there are those rays of hope that I feel is in everybody's best interest to look for. Like some of you here, I went through the standard life-crushing process of having my world and my life evaporate right before my eyes. And many more of you here are going through that currently. In our own ways, we all know how it feels. We have sort of all fought in the same war. And no matter who was right or wrong, good or bad in the ends of our marriages, we all suffered casualties. Nobody gets out unscathed. Now, those of you in the early, middle and maybe even latter stages of the process....I can empathize with where you're at and how you're feeling. And what I remember with incredible acuity is that feeling that the suffering would never end. It just seemed like the rest of my days were to be spent in some dull but painful pergutory. How could anything ever get better? So, I've been split up from my XW for 4 years, divorced for 1. This last weekend was one of those weekends that just made it ALL worthwhile. I will spare you the blow-by-blow account, but let's just say that it involved women in some way, shape or form. I'll spare you the details, even though I really want to share. At some indeterminate time in the weekend, I found myself sitting back and thinking 'All of the pain, despair and loss from my divorce....it was all worth it for this moment'. Now, granted...that's a little hyperbolic, and I take no joy in how this stuff affected my kids. But simply in terms of the end of my married relationship? Oh yeah! Totally worth it! I'm sure your spouse or soon-to-be ex spouse is irreplaceable. But trust me...they're not. There are tons of amazing people out there, and it's only a matter of time before you find yourself face-to-face with one (or more?). Moral of the story if you're just starting to go through this: buckle up your junk, because it's going to hurt. But that part WILL pass, and if you're up to it, the life you lead downstream can be amazing. It DOES get better....just be patient and don't scramble around looking for band-aids. Let the wounds heal on their own and get back out there and start playing again. Good luck everybody! Keep your heads up and your hearts filled. 8
aliveagain Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 It is hard to explain that to someone that just had their heart ripped out of their chest, someone afraid of what their future may look like, someone afraid to loose what they have no matter how small that piece is and what that piece now means to their soon to be ex spouse. As an example I now sit here this weekend waiting to hear what some of the biggest pharmacol companies in the world value what we have. We have put the company up for sale, one of the worlds biggest accounting firms is facilitating the sale for us, they only handle major sales and I am a major shareholder. My ex is living in Vegas living the single's crazy lifestyle yet I'm about to become everything that she has ever wanted as a lifestyle. Do I let her know or do I just take the high road and live it? In a way I want revenge but deep down my revenge is living an amazing life without her. Life doesn't end because someone cheats on you sometimes it get's better, fu*k em. 3
Author RonaldS Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 It is hard to explain that to someone that just had their heart ripped out of their chest, someone afraid of what their future may look like, someone afraid to loose what they have no matter how small that piece is and what that piece now means to their soon to be ex spouse. As an example I now sit here this weekend waiting to hear what some of the biggest pharmacol companies in the world value what we have. We have put the company up for sale, one of the worlds biggest accounting firms is facilitating the sale for us, they only handle major sales and I am a major shareholder. My ex is living in Vegas living the single's crazy lifestyle yet I'm about to become everything that she has ever wanted as a lifestyle. Do I let her know or do I just take the high road and live it? In a way I want revenge but deep down my revenge is living an amazing life without her. Life doesn't end because someone cheats on you sometimes it get's better, fu*k em. Bingo! Rock on, man! And congratulations on the accomplishment. For sure, just live your life. No need to get back at her or rub it in her face. Just close that memory account and go live that life. Awesome. I just remember how I felt in those dark times, and I would come here to commiserate....but what I always gravitated toward were the threads by the people that pushed through and not only got back on track, but ended up on better tracks than they were on before. So hopefully, anecdotes like ours give some people that extra little kick that they might need. It's a great feeling. This last weekend, I took a few minutes to quietly reflect on the failure of a life I had built...not to wallow in it or feel sad...but to use it for a basis for reference that allowed me to sit back, look around, soak it all in and say 'Holy sh*t...this is amazing!' That's out there for everybody else too. 2
TheBladeRunner Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 That is great Ron! I am only 1 year D'd and a little more than a month away from original D-Day (the two year mark). It does get better and sometimes meeting a new woman does wonders for the old ego....it has for me. 3
No Limit Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Life doesn't end because someone cheats on you sometimes it get's better, fu*k em. It doesn't get sometimes better. It always gets better. Dare to divorce your cheating spouse, no need to waste precious lifetime. 2
Author RonaldS Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 And to be clear, these posts are in no way meant to either rub anything in or minimize the pain and distraught anguish tht many here are feeling. The opposite, actually. I remember as it was all falling apart and the life was going down the drain, and the kids were hardly around anymore, and I shut myself off to the world...I remember sitting there thinking that my existence was shot. My days were to be spent, at best, barely getting my face above the surface just long enough to get a quick breath. How was I going to live? What life could I have? How could I ever adjust? And what would the point of anything feeling better even be? It would be temporary at best. Even when I would do the things I loved, I felt as if I were dragging an anchor of melancholy. This isn't about a woman. Or women. Or validation. It's about finally sweeping the last bit of dust away so that when those experiences happened, I could just bask in them. I was lucky enough to find myself at a nice little bar on the beach, with a couple of super cute little babes, and I didn't have to be anywhere for 36 hours. I even made a mental note to limit my alcohol consumption because I just wanted to enjoy every minute of it. As hard as it can be to do, a lot of times the best thing you can do when the marriage crosses that line is just let the beast die and walk away. It's heart-breaking and gut-wrenching....for a little while. Just remember, both men and women...chances are pretty high that you had a life before you got married. You can live that life again. 2
creeolee Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 This was brilliant!!!!! And so true! You can't see it at the beginning but life goes on and life gets better! Take your post and switch female to male and this is my story. People do desire you, do want you, and will respect you. It's crazy, but true.. Thank you for this post, it's awesome! 2
2.50 a gallon Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I know of what you speak. Over 3 decades ago, I caught my ExW of 6 months cheating. My world collapsed, and I fell into this dark hole of a bottom less pit, of nothing ness. No light, no joy, no love, just nothing. I actually wondered whether some day in the future I might laugh again. Luckily my hell only lasted about a month, when I spotted a pretty face looking down at me and asking if I wanted to come out an play. And just like that I was once again soaring with eagles. To rediscover that you are still attractive to the opposite sex at a time like that is an amazing gift. Don't get me wrong, it was not a cure all. It just awakened me to the idea I still had a great life to live. Three decades later, and now retired, I have been in an almost 19 year loving relationship with the sweetest, most giving understanding gal I have ever met. And the jack pot is she is out of my league in the looks department. A granny with and hour glass figure, eye candy. The Ex, I looked up on the internet, is now pushing the 200 pound mark. Divorce, the best thing that ever happened to me. 2
Shocked Suzie Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Can't wait to fully get to this stage!! 17 months and divorce hanging around like a bad smell, would have been married 13yrs today... Mixed bag of thoughts today, would have been better if I'd mentally blocked it out like I did last year. But yes time heals for sure! So glad I'm where I am today that's for sure Hang in there peeps it does get better Good on you RonaldS SS x 1
aMguilts Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 nice uplifting post always a shock when things don`t go the way we all planned out in our lives. There can be heartache or joy in a millisecond Best we can all do is forget and forgive and like everyone has said...move on dwelling on what could of been or worse, what should of been will never be the best way to move forward doing the best you can and even if that isn`t good enough in the eyes of someone else well that`s their problem. good post ronald I`m rambling again! aM 1
Author RonaldS Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 The thing I've always found in life is that once we lock in on something, it becomes the only possible narrative we will allow for ourselves. The longer we're locked in, the more we cement an 'all or nothing' attitude toward that narrative. But the reality is that, almost without exception, everytime there has been a shake-up in my life, whether it's moving somewhere, something with a job or career, relationships....the new situation is better. Then you look back at the old situation and wonder how you were able to put up with it for so long. It's simply a matter of looking at change not as a loss, but as an opportunity. Make no mistake...I truly loved my XW. And I loved our family. But if she came back right now and said she wanted to work things out, after I was done peeing my pants in laughter, I would kindly tell her to eff herself. Not going back to that situation and, more importantly, not going back into a situation like that. 2
aMguilts Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 The thing I've always found in life is that once we lock in on something, it becomes the only possible narrative we will allow for ourselves. The longer we're locked in, the more we cement an 'all or nothing' attitude toward that narrative. But the reality is that, almost without exception, everytime there has been a shake-up in my life, whether it's moving somewhere, something with a job or career, relationships....the new situation is better. Then you look back at the old situation and wonder how you were able to put up with it for so long. It's simply a matter of looking at change not as a loss, but as an opportunity. Make no mistake...I truly loved my XW. And I loved our family. But if she came back right now and said she wanted to work things out, after I was done peeing my pants in laughter, I would kindly tell her to eff herself. Not going back to that situation and, more importantly, not going back into a situation like that. I hear you You`ve `moved on` And I`m with you all the way That`s easier said then done thou great ending for you Robert:) The inspiration is there for others to follow i.e It`ll only be bad if you allow it to be quote talk talk song baby...life`s what you make it aM
jakrbbt Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Nice post, and I needed to see it. Me, I am at the beginning of the story. I cannot for the life of me work up the courage to divorce. I cannot work up the know-how, to even live divorced. I don't feel ready to wake up every day thinking, "Oh phew, that was all just a bad dream-- no, wait a minute, it was real! And there's no going back!" But on the other hand, I cannot live like this either. So I am trying to view divorce as a hard, hard experience that I will have to go through in order to have a possibly better future. Like law school. To enforce that notion in me, the coward, I guess I can do what you did and pay attention to the people who have been through it for the better. Most my acquaintances have such scary things to say about divorce, it makes me almost want to stay put. But I can see, few people regret actually doing it. They just didn't like the process.
Author RonaldS Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 Nice post, and I needed to see it. Me, I am at the beginning of the story. I cannot for the life of me work up the courage to divorce. I cannot work up the know-how, to even live divorced. I don't feel ready to wake up every day thinking, "Oh phew, that was all just a bad dream-- no, wait a minute, it was real! And there's no going back!" But on the other hand, I cannot live like this either. So I am trying to view divorce as a hard, hard experience that I will have to go through in order to have a possibly better future. Like law school. To enforce that notion in me, the coward, I guess I can do what you did and pay attention to the people who have been through it for the better. Most my acquaintances have such scary things to say about divorce, it makes me almost want to stay put. But I can see, few people regret actually doing it. They just didn't like the process. For sure. It's scary as hell, and at first, it's cold out there. When you tear an ACL in your knee, you know the rehab is going to be hell. You know it's going to hurt. You know you're going to have set-backs and pain and you'll feel like you'll never have that knee back. But you gut it out, knowing that the result is going to be somethingn better than current. And if you don't do anything about it, that knee is screwed for life. Sure, you'll be able to walk...but that's about it. Remember one thing....you were not born married to this person. You had a life before him or her, you'll have a life after. You can get back to the life you were living when you first met...except you'll be better at it. More experience, more understanding of what you want and don't want. It's really not hard to rediscover that person and that life, because it's you living on your terms now. I understand how hard it is. And I never sugar-coat things....it's a bitch to survive it. But the you that comes out afterward, that survives it, is typically much tougher. And more resilient. And the best thing is that you find that no matter how terrible a crisis might seem at the time, you will probably live through it. That's an outstanding currency to carry with you. 2
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