Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 I wasn't trying to paint him in a bad light, honestly. He is a wonderful person, and would do anything for anyone, makes me laugh ALL the time..and these are great things! I would love those in any partner, I just feel like his lack of own goals and standing up for himself are making me see him as more of a friend. I've never broken up with anyone before, so it's not exactly something I WANT to do, or even know how to do
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 -Is there another guy in the picture? -Would you consider communicating the feelings in your last message on this forum directly to him?
Priv Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Meh. It is not the sex thing. Let's face it. It is not rocket science. Sex just goes downhill when there is a problem in the RS. You are losing feelings for him and looking for reasons to get out. Which is fine btw. You are just not compatible.
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 -Is there another guy in the picture? -Would you consider communicating the feelings in your last message on this forum directly to him? There is a guy, though it's just someone I secretly have a crush on. I would never leave my boyfriend to be with someone else or pursue someone else. If I break up with him I want it to because it's what I feel is right, not because I'm caught up in a crush. Which is why I'm trying to sort out my feelings..I suppose that sounds stupid and like an excuse. I have brought up to my boyfriend that I've been reflecting on some things regarding his goals/ambitions and the way he puts me on a pedestal, and that it's been bothering me. I also told him I was worried about us living together, and he said he was worried about the same thing because he doesn't want me to resent him since he will be living with me and not contributing toward anything, and I told him I was worried about that as well along with the fact that he has three more years left in school. So we spoke about things, but I did not bring up the fact that I was losing romantic attraction toward him because it seemed cruel to say :/
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You're basically trying to justify to yourself why you're losing interest in your "great boyfriend" for this reason or that...when in reality is that you're not emotionally invested nor were you ever even interested in him to begin with, you were essentially rebounding and decided to pick on someone that you already knew was interested in you to bring back up your spirits (and just because he was resistant and first doesn't mean he lost interest, it just meant he wasn't sure how your behavior turned cold to hot)...people do this all the time, it's nothing new or just you. And now you've decided to be with this guy for 3 years, for what? Because he makes a great boyfriend. How selfless of you, but I bet you won't have the pitch-fork female community going down your throat for that. Women call men jerks for using women for sex, but 1 day, week long, monthly, few months fling isn't comparable to holding onto a guy for 3 years just because you want a relationship with a "great guy" and accepting all everything he's thrown at you and done for you...you never hear women get crap for that, it's like they almost always believe they deserve it or something but when a guy does this and admits to stringing someone along it's like all hell breaks loose...but at the end of the day a guy will take your vagina, but a woman will take your soul, even if she doesn't even like you all that much. And of course, now all these things/issues "suddenly" snowball into this larger problem...and now you're like "what am I going to do?"...how about just letting go of the nice boring guy and stop making him feel like he's got to earn the world just to be with you, when you actually find very little attractive about him or his personality. You're doing all this crap out of convenience for you, all the while trying to feel like you're doing him a favor by gracing him with your presence..but despite your lack of feelings for this guy you still consider holding onto him because of what he can do for you and accomplish HOWEVER, you would LIKE that he does these things for himself so that you don't see him as such a pu$$y. But don't worry, I blame him for being a pu$$y, it's his fault he's in this situation in the first place...but you've got to be honest with yourself, because the writing is all over the wall how uninterested you are in this guy...you're trying to force yourself to see yourself with him, and in the end you're going to get tired of him, at least if he was successful and doing something for you then you could kind of deal with it...but since he needs to depend on you in the meantime you resent him for taking something from you that you don't really want to give, because you absolutely don't love him. This is not a biased argument either, I know guys string women along just as much, but I'm calling it like I see it...you wouldn't be here if you were into this guy, even if he was screwing you over badly if you're like most women...the difference is they are into them, trying to make him change, trying to make him into the perfect guy...but this guy is already at least on paper perfect or ideal and you're trying to make it work by making him become someone else than who he really is, not to mention he's just really inexperienced and once you let him go he'll likely be very different in his next relationship. The thing is, you're his "first love", his first vagina and what sounds like his first real relationship...of course he's going to become complacent and not understanding everything now, but looking back I'm sure he'll see some of his mistakes...they always do, of course always looking back. So if you want to be honest with him and yourself, end this relationship and find someone you'll actually be happy with...or resent him even more down the line and have this one-sided love affair, all because you think you can have the "ideal life" together or you see some picture-perfect situation, just because you don't argue...like who freaking cares, doesn't keep you from getting bored or disinterested, but since women want security and stability and a man who treats them right, they can't let a go like this go, even though they know their feelings are not on the same level...and yet men get blamed for being the selfish ones, but because he gets to have you, it's different...that's his reward you cry for yourself, not for him, not because of love...but because of your own needs/wants. 2
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Very telling. I guarantee if this "crush" wasn't around, this would not be an issue. I'm also betting this guy is not nearly as docile, sheepish or beta as you make out. The guy cares about his girlfriend. This is the other side of GIGS. I think your behavior is selfish. You are allowed to do what you want, but please just be honest with everyone involved(especially yourself).
Cunning_Linguist Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) It's kind of ironic. All he wants to do is please you, and by doing that he is turning you off. These sort of paradoxes exist throughout the world of social dynamics. He is inexperienced. You're his first. He doesn't know what he is doing, and will do anything to keep you and make you happy, but doesn't realize it's that exact mindset which will push you away. I think he deserves, in the very least, a very frank and honest conversation from you. A conversation that involves all said here. Even though it may hurt him, and destroy the relationship, it will help him in the long run. He doesn't understand what his "job" as a man is, and he isn't experienced enough to read the subtle signals from you. He just isn't confident enough, and to scared to upset you, to go for what he wants. Yes you communicated the stuff about the bedroom, but you didn't make clear the underlying issues. I think that most guys on here can say that they acted beta in their first relationship, especially if it was with the girl they lost their virginity to. I acted somewhat like this guy in my first relationship, especially in the sexual department. Maybe he does have a backbone, and some potential, but has lost sight of it in his twisted reality of sex influenced delirium induced by losing his virginity to an attractive woman. Edited July 19, 2014 by Cunning_Linguist 3
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Very telling. I guarantee if this "crush" wasn't around, this would not be an issue. I'm also betting this guy is not nearly as docile, sheepish or beta as you make out. The guy cares about his girlfriend. This is the other side of GIGS. I think your behavior is selfish. You are allowed to do what you want, but please just be honest with everyone involved(especially yourself). Believe it or not, a couple of these were issues before my crush. Which is probably why I DEVELOPED a crush on someone else in the first place. I have no intentions on acting on fleeting feelings for a crush, even if my boyfriend and I were to break up. I did state in my original post that this could very well be a case of that, because yes, I do wish I could be with someone who challenges me, stands up to me, tells me when I've got a bad attitude, etc etc. My boyfriend is not that person, and those are things I want, so I wonder about them. I understand he cares for me very much, but my attraction towards him as ALWAYS been an issue. I don't like kissing him on the mouth because it seems awkward, and that's been something that's going on for about a year. NOT just because I've got a crush on someone.
preraph Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Unless he can make enough money while in school to go 50/50, do not move in together. You have heard it over and over: I took care of him and got him through school and then he got another girlfriend. He is his parents' problem until he's out of school, I'm assuming. Either that or he works part time. If he works part-time and all of it goes to tuition, I would ask him what he was planning on doing for a place to live before YOU came into the picture. Just sayin'.
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 It's kind of ironic. All he wants to do is please you, and by doing that he is turning you off. These sort of paradoxes exist throughout the world of social dynamics. He is inexperienced. You're his first. He doesn't know what he is doing, and will do anything to keep you and make you happy, but doesn't realize it's that exact mindset which will push you away. I think he deserves, in the very least, a very frank and honest conversation from you. A conversation that involves all said here. Even though it may hurt him, and destroy the relationship, it will help him in the long run. He doesn't understand what his "job" as a man is, and he isn't experienced enough to read the subtle signals from you. He just isn't confident enough, and to scared to upset you, to go for what he wants. Yes you communicated the stuff about the bedroom, but you didn't make clear the underlying issues. I think that most guys on here can say that they acted beta in their first relationship, especially if it was with the girl they lost their virginity to. I acted somewhat like this guy in my first relationship, especially in the sexual department. Maybe he does have a backbone, and some potential, but has lost sight of it in his twisted reality of sex influenced delirium induced by losing his virginity to an attractive woman. Yeah. He has had NO sexual experiences with a girl..not even handsy stuff. I wasn't aware of this, but at the time I didn't want to nope out of it just because he had not experienced those things. Sometimes I want to ask him if he ever wonders what it would be like to be with other girls, just out of my own curiosity. I think he would take that the wrong way though
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Unless he can make enough money while in school to go 50/50, do not move in together. You have heard it over and over: I took care of him and got him through school and then he got another girlfriend. He is his parents' problem until he's out of school, I'm assuming. Either that or he works part time. If he works part-time and all of it goes to tuition, I would ask him what he was planning on doing for a place to live before YOU came into the picture. Just sayin'. He is currently living with his parents and going to school. He was going to continue that, until the conversation got brought up on what we would do when I moved. It was either him come with me and transfer schools or do long distance. Both of which would probably put strain on the relationship in my opinion
SycamoreCircle Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 "...those are things I want, so I wonder about them." Welcome to GIGS. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/358586-i-broke-up-my-ex-regret
Author 801pm Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 "...those are things I want, so I wonder about them." Welcome to GIGS. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/358586-i-broke-up-my-ex-regret Right..it must be GIGS if I've been unable to kiss him for the past year due to not being attracted to him. In all honesty, your responses have made me delve deep into my feelings and only solidified my decision to end things with him. He's a great guy, but not a great guy for me. Thanks
SycamoreCircle Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Hilarious. Breaking up with him is not what I'm telling you to do. You're not listening to anyone but yourself. You came onto this forum with a very specific goal: convince yourself to dump him. Did you read the post I provided a link to? You're being dishonest.
hasaquestion Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Right..it must be GIGS if I've been unable to kiss him for the past year due to not being attracted to him. In all honesty, your responses have made me delve deep into my feelings and only solidified my decision to end things with him. He's a great guy, but not a great guy for me. Thanks Ugh. Why the f*** are you even dating him if you have not liked him for a year? That's just hideous behavior. If you have any decency, you will: 1. Leave this guy. 2. Tell him EXACTLY what you told us. It will break his heart but he'll be better off for it in the long run. He'll learn to start being more selfish. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Sometimes, OP, the best thing for someone like him is for someone like you to leave. Some people do not motivate or add to another person in a relationship. We should all be with people who add to our happiness, life, motivation. If it takes you to get him to do what's good for himself, then you need to leave. Back off. He's becoming codependent and that will suck for him. Unless, of course, he's just a lazy, unmotivated manipulator.
Els Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 It's kind of ironic. All he wants to do is please you, and by doing that he is turning you off. These sort of paradoxes exist throughout the world of social dynamics. He is inexperienced. You're his first. He doesn't know what he is doing, and will do anything to keep you and make you happy, but doesn't realize it's that exact mindset which will push you away. The OP, and you, only speak for yourselves. Some of us really do appreciate a partner who desires to make us happy, rather than one who only cares about what he wants and what he can get. We are in happy relationships with such men. And this is why I said it is a compatibility issue. There ARE things about the OP's bf that would turn me off - lack of job/ambition, lack of hobbies, lack of friends. But I think some of you are focusing on the wrong issue. It's not about alpha/beta/omega whatever. It's about wanting someone with goals and a direction in life, who has a full life aside from his relationship. I think he deserves, in the very least, a very frank and honest conversation from you. A conversation that involves all said here. Even though it may hurt him, and destroy the relationship, it will help him in the long run. He doesn't understand what his "job" as a man is, and he isn't experienced enough to read the subtle signals from you. He just isn't confident enough, and to scared to upset you, to go for what he wants. Yes you communicated the stuff about the bedroom, but you didn't make clear the underlying issues. I agree with this part. You and your bf are way overdue for a talk, OP.
SycamoreCircle Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 This story touches me personally because my ex, after a year, said things about me to other people I simply could not believe. Where 2 months before I was "the most wonderful man", now I was "a half-formed man that couldn't ****, chipped away at her self-confidence, manipulated her, tricked her friends into believing I was a good guy etc, etc. The impetus for all of this? An older, more successful art curator had shown interest in her. A few months ago, were you saying to yourself "wow, this VIRGIN who plays video games and is boring in bed and who has no will of his own, whose mouth I don't like to kiss and who I am not attracted to is such a GREAT boyfriend?"
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