801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Before we get started yes, this may very well be a possible case of GIGS. However, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years, and he is great. We met at work, and at first I had no interest in him..he wasn't really my type, though we had a lot in common, I kind of just wanted to be really good friends with him. I had just had a fallen out with a guy I was "dating" (long story) and about a month after that I started becoming more interested in my (current boy)friend. I'm not sure if this was just because I was looking for someone new..trying to move on or what. Anyway, I started to pursue him but he was NOT interested. Eventually he came around and we started dating - I also found out he was a virgin, but at the time I didn't really care..everyone starts off somewhere right? Right. So we date, and he is just so sweet! The healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and he does absolutely anything for me. But this is kind of the problem, I feel like he ONLY does stuff just to please me. He went back to school, just to please me, lost his interest in his hobbies, doesn't have any desires or dreams to do anything unless it's what I want. This is great, but lately the fact that he doesn't have any wants for himself have been turning me off. This also relates to the bedroom. Obvious as a virgin, he has no experience, and at first I showed him around and told him what to do, and things were good because it was all new and exciting. Soon after I started getting bored, so I told him hey, this is what I like in bed, here are some tings you can read up on or watch and it will give you some ideas. He attempted a few times, but eventually it would dwindle down. I again brought the subject up, and he did the same thing, and it dwindled down. When we first started dating I would always initiate it (I imagine he was nervous), but started getting annoyed and felt he should be comfortable enough to initiate, but he wouldn't so I just stopped. I recently brought up to him that I'd like to try new things out in bed, and named some stuff I was interested in. I asked if there was anything he'd like to do or try out, and he just responded with "I don't really have any kinks or fetishes or stuff I'm interested in, I'm just happy with what you want to do." Nooooooooooo please why did you have to answer that. Complete turn off. Talking to him about this stuff makes me feel super uncomfortable anyway..like I can't be sexually comfortable and open with him, and even though I do try, it's really hard and feels wrong speaking to him about it (I don't let him know this though) So we try some stuff I wanted to try, and I could not get into it. I just did not want to be touched by him, I was so put off and it broke my heart. I'm gone for a few months, so this was when I came to visit him. Being alone has made me reflect on things and question a lot of stuff, and although when we first started dating I put a time limit on the relationship (when I graduated), I ended up being able to see a future with him because he really is a great person. But, I'm moving in January, and before all this started popping up, we decided he could come live with me and go to school while I worked. I'm beginning to wonder will I resent him living with me, but not being able to help out with rent and other bills? Will I get frustrated because he has three years of school left? I'm 24, and he is 25, and who knows what I will want within those three years. I feel like I'll start harboring ill feelings in this situation.. I don't know what to do really. I've brought this up to him about I wish he would live for himself, and he said he would start working on it because he knows I don't like it (go figure) and that when I come back down we'll try out new stuff in bed, but part of me is just not interested. The other part of me literally starts to cry when I think of having to break up with him. Does anyone have any advice on where I should go from here? Thanks..
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Oh, I should also mention...we literally never fight. I will get aggravated and annoyed with things he does, but he immediately wavers, even if I know that I'm in the wrong. This really bothers me...I obviously don't want to fight with my boyfriend, but I feel like some arguments here and there are necessary to let out frustrations.
JungleLover Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I understand your dilemma. Here is this guy that is great in a few areas but he lacks the drive in others...other important areas such as career and sex. Lets face it, these are very important areas in a relationship. He is 25, unless he has a life altering event, he is just not going to develop drive and self-motivation out of now where. He is a grown man who personality will be shaped some by experience and wisdom but the very fabric of him is already there. He can learn new sex techniques and he can learn to be good at what he goes to school for but if he does not have the motivation to carry the things out without constant prodding, then what's the use? The bottom line is that he does not make you happy. That is very important. No matter how wonderful a person he may be in principle, he does not make you happy and just keeping him around won't make that happen. I think you will eventually resent him and you are already doing so. Sometimes you really have to love a person enough to let them go because you will eventually make him miserable out of frustration. Yes, you may feel regret for doing so for a while afterward sometimes but you have to remind yourself about how unhappy you were. The relationship is just not satisfying. You are thinking you should be satisfied because he is a good person and bows down to you but a relationship is so much more complicated than that.
james1989 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Its pretty obvious what your problem is, you don't respect him because he is 100 percent beta, women want to be led in relationships they dont want to be the leader. you are providing him with s**t tests to prove he is the leader in the relationship and he is failing miserably so this leads to you losing attraction. The only way you are going to respect him and start being attracted to him again is if he ups the alpha male and lessens the beta. 9
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 I understand your dilemma. Here is this guy that is great in a few areas but he lacks the drive in others...other important areas such as career and sex. Lets face it, these are very important areas in a relationship. He is 25, unless he has a life altering event, he is just not going to develop drive and self-motivation out of now where. He is a grown man who personality will be shaped some by experience and wisdom but the very fabric of him is already there. He can learn new sex techniques and he can learn to be good at what he goes to school for but if he does not have the motivation to carry the things out without constant prodding, then what's the use? Well, he is very dead set on finishing school, and "providing for us"..but I can't shake the feeling that if I had not met him, he wouldn't be doing any of this stuff. I want him to do it for HIMSELF, not his girlfriend he's just trying to make happy. I honestly thought I was happy with him (minus the sex, that's always been an issue) until I had some time apart from him. I'm his first serious relationship, and I just want him to grow as a person, explore other areas, find out what he likes, what his hopes, dreams and desires are. And obviously the solution to that would be to end things I suppose..it will just hurt.
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I may get slammed by others in this forum but I don't think this is about you wanting what's best for him, I think it's about you being selfish. Look, you started a relationship with a VIRGIN. What did you think would happen? He would be a natural? So, you're accountable for that. Secondly, I think you mentioned hesitation and reticence on your part when communicating about sex. This is all important. Talk about it outside of the bedroom if it puts a damper on things, but bring him up to speed about your feelings or continue this downhill spiral of resentment. At this point, moving in with the guy would spell disaster. I have a lady friend who tells me she absolutely LOVES talking to her lovers about what makes her happy, what pleases her. And consequently my lady friend has an amazing sex life. If you drop this guy with the hopes that you're going to hit the jackpot with a man who knows exactly what/when/where/how to do it in the bedroom without communication, prepare yourself for a long uphill slog. 2
soccerrprp Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I'm confused, but it doesn't sound like you two had all that much in common in the first place. You make it sound like he has or had no aspirations, goals until you encouraged him to. He acquiesces to your every whim...how were you two on the same page ever? Life goals, drive, sex life are all very important... 2
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Also, I wanted to just add---you're 24? Are you so sure you're the sexual dynamo you seem to think you are? A 24 year old woman usually has enough sexual experience to THINK she's sexually experienced. That's about it. You may have unrealistic expectations about what sex can be. 1
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 I may get slammed by others in this forum but I don't think this is about you wanting what's best for him, I think it's about you being selfish. Look, you started a relationship with a VIRGIN. What did you think would happen? He would be a natural? So, you're accountable for that. Secondly, I think you mentioned hesitation and reticence on your part when communicating about sex. This is all important. Talk about it outside of the bedroom if it puts a damper on things, but bring him up to speed about your feelings or continue this downhill spiral of resentment. At this point, moving in with the guy would spell disaster. I have a lady friend who tells me she absolutely LOVES talking to her lovers about what makes her happy, what pleases her. And consequently my lady friend has an amazing sex life. If you drop this guy with the hopes that you're going to hit the jackpot with a man who knows exactly what/when/where/how to do it in the bedroom without communication, prepare yourself for a long uphill slog. No, I obviously stated that I've communicated with him multiple times regarding our sex life. I don't bring it up while we are in the bedroom, I just start the conversation and it is open for discussion. I've told him multiple times what I like, have shown him things on the internet I would like him to do, and have attempted to guide him in the bedroom. I DO speak with him about it, though I do not like to because he doesn't have anything to add to it other than, "yeah we will do what you like because it's what you want." The issue here is that he has no desires of his own, and I've tried many times to share mine, letting him know it's okay to talk about these things but he just insists that he only wants to make me happy. Though, sex is just not the problem.
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Also, I wanted to just add---you're 24? Are you so sure you're the sexual dynamo you seem to think you are? A 24 year old woman usually has enough sexual experience to THINK she's sexually experienced. That's about it. You may have unrealistic expectations about what sex can be. The dilemma is NOT just about sex. There are other issues I've brought up in the original post as well..? I'm not saying he needs to be a god in bed, I am saying it bothers be that he has no desires of his own.
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 I'm confused, but it doesn't sound like you two had all that much in common in the first place. You make it sound like he has or had no aspirations, goals until you encouraged him to. He acquiesces to your every whim...how were you two on the same page ever? Life goals, drive, sex life are all very important... Well, we had a lot in common as far as interests goes...which is why I saw him just as a friend at first. We weren't very serious at first, and I told him the relationship would end when I graduated. He was just working a part time job and not in school so I didn't think it would work in the long run. He decided he wanted to go back to school so he could get a good job and support me, which is entirely sweet! I just wish he would be ambitious for himself and not to please me, and I'm not sure if that just isn't who he is or what
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I addressed sex because that is what the bulk of the post focused on. I find it hard to believe his responses are as sheepish as you describe. So, the guy has no interests outside of you? So, when he arrives home he walks over to where you are, sits down and rests his head on his hand while gazing longingly at you? Doesn't he have schoolwork to focus on? He may have decided to go to school because of you, but guess what? "We are influenced by those we love." -Goethe 2
Author 801pm Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 I addressed sex because that is what the bulk of the post focused on. I find it hard to believe his responses are as sheepish as you describe. So, the guy has no interests outside of you? So, when he arrives home he walks over to where you are, sits down and rests his head on his hand while gazing longingly at you? Doesn't he have schoolwork to focus on? He may have decided to go to school because of you, but guess what? "We are influenced by those we love." -Goethe Well the sex part was just the issue that has been going on the longest. The others are just things I've come to realize...and yes he really spends all his time with me? How hard is that to believe? I'm not lying about it, and I have to send him home sometimes so he can give me my space. He doesn't get upset about it, he says he understands and then goes home. The issue is that he doesn't stand up for himself, he has no life goals for himself other than being able to provide for me because he thinks that's what I want. Before we started dating he played video games all day and generally had no direction in life. I'm glad I was able to give him a push to go to school, but the way he acts is just starting to become unattractive to me. Yes I am allowed to be selfish, I'm part of the relationship as well. I've expressed all my concerns to him already, and am met with "I will do whatever it takes to make you happy."
Els Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 IMO the two of you are just not compatible, OP. There are other women who would appreciate your boyfriend more, and conversely there are other men who would fulfill your desires better. Neither of you are 'wrong', it just is. 4
hoping2heal Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I think what's missing is something genuine and you're starting to realize there isn't anything from him. The guy has no autonomy and it's a turn off. I get it, that kind of thing is a major turn off no matter how "nice" the guy is.
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 "No autonomy" may be a correct diagnosis, but I think you may suffer from "shortsightedness". A VIRGIN who spent all his time playing video games? I understand you're young, but what sort of expectations did you have of this guy? Now the guy is going back to school. Sounds to me like he's really pushed himself. You seem to have made up your mind already, though. Be aware of your accountability to this situation, you helped make it. That awareness will help you in the future. 1
kaylan Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 So basically youre bored by a virgin who has no mind of his own? Just leave him. You wont be happy in the long run. The dude has no ambition or backbone. He bends to your will, and the sex is lackluster. I wont even go into a long diatribe about how to fix your relationship. You seem like youre checking out already and thats its inevitable that you leave. He just sounds like a boring guy in all facets of life. Seems like you are more attracted to ambitious, outgoing types who think on their feet, and think for themselves. You are your boyfriend and just different. I vote move on in the easiest way possible.
kaylan Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Also, I wanted to just add---you're 24? Are you so sure you're the sexual dynamo you seem to think you are? A 24 year old woman usually has enough sexual experience to THINK she's sexually experienced. That's about it. You may have unrealistic expectations about what sex can be. Ive been with a virgin who despite a lack of skill right off the bat, showed a lot of MOTIVATION in learning each others bodies and having fun in bed. OPs boyfriend sounds boring, and like he isnt much interested in anything...sexual or not. Dont hate on the OP for being turned off by a boring dude. Id be bored by the same kind of woman. Its not just experience...its about a desire to mesh with your partner. When I was inexperienced, I had a huge drive to have great sex and drive my partners crazy. This guy doesnt have that drive. Being inexperienced isnt the only excuse. The dude has no drive or motivation for anything unless his girlfriend places it there for him. Ive been with less experienced girls who were fun in bed and also very ambitious. Ive also been with experienced women who were bores in bed. I think the OP will be just fine if she leaves. Sounds like youre trying to shame her into staying with this guy. I know youre hoping on her having a tough time finding a guy better suited for her...but why should she stay with her bf and waste both their time? How about realizing its best for them both to find more compatible partners? 1
irc333 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) have shown him things on the internet I would like him to do Your first mistake right there. Yeah, I have to say, that asking him to "read up" on sexual techniques would be a turn off to anyone in general. It probably put the pressure on his ability to have sex with you as opposed to letting it all happen organically. I may get slammed by others in this forum but I don't think this is about you wanting what's best for him, I think it's about you being selfish. Look, you started a relationship with a VIRGIN. What did you think would happen? He would be a natural? So, you're accountable for that. Secondly, I think you mentioned hesitation and reticence on your part when communicating about sex. This is all important. Talk about it outside of the bedroom if it puts a damper on things, but bring him up to speed about your feelings or continue this downhill spiral of resentment. At this point, moving in with the guy would spell disaster. I have a lady friend who tells me she absolutely LOVES talking to her lovers about what makes her happy, what pleases her. And consequently my lady friend has an amazing sex life. If you drop this guy with the hopes that you're going to hit the jackpot with a man who knows exactly what/when/where/how to do it in the bedroom without communication, prepare yourself for a long uphill slog. Edited July 19, 2014 by irc333
irc333 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Ive been with a virgin who despite a lack of skill right off the bat, showed a lot of MOTIVATION in learning each others bodies and having fun in bed. OPs boyfriend sounds boring, and like he isnt much interested in anything...sexual or not. Dont hate on the OP for being turned off by a boring dude. Id be bored by the same kind of woman. Yeah, on the other hand, this guy sounds like, overall in general is rather drab and dull personality, not the sex life. Usually when someone's sex life is crappy, there is actually a REAL reason that's so. I have heard of situations where a woman would be bringing home bacon while her unemployed man would play video games all day and also would have the nerve to upset at her if she interrupted his gaming sessions. Pretty sad.
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I think OP has made up her mind. She just wants a nudge. I have a firm belief in the compatibility of people. Only boring people are bored. Sounds to me like the boyfriend is quite content.
anna121 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 OP if the sex is lackluster now, after 2.5 years, and sex is impt to you, end it. This is a 25 year old guy. He should be at the top of his game in terms of energy and interest in sex. Even if he was a virgin when you met. Your post is fairly contemptuous of him and I think that is what some people are (unfairly IMV) slagging you for. Contempt is the death knell of relationships. Very, very hard to come back from that. Practically impossible, in fact. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I think a person going into the mode of Dumper will paint things in very broad strokes to make their choice seem clear. What is the title of OP's post? "Having possible doubts about my great boyfriend..." Underline GREAT. Just sayin'...
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