One month post-breakup.

[lovebug_5858]

OD,

It was very nice of you to update us all after so long. Right around your last posting, my ex was creeping back into my life and low and behold, he made it in around Nov, we have broken up again and it's been about 13 days NC which I am very proud of LOL. It annoys me that I would've been in your shoes right now, so far gone. But hey stuff happens. Oh well, I've learned my lesson, and in a few months I hope to be posting with news similar to yours. Life is beautiful and we are much better off alone than ill accompanied. Cheers to your successes! Happy valentines day

[Oregon_Dude]

we have broken up again and it's been about 13 days NC which I am very proud of LOL. It annoys me that I would've been in your shoes right now, so far gone. But hey stuff happens. Oh well, I've learned my lesson, and in a few months I hope to be posting with news similar to yours. Life is beautiful and we are much better off alone than ill accompanied. Cheers to your successes! Happy valentines day

Thanks lovebug! Please don't kick yourself for trying to make it work with your ex. We are all human and want the same things - to love, to be loved, to be happy. You were merely trying to find happiness. Unfortunately, they are "exes for a reason", as the saying goes. It's very rare that a couple can make it work after breaking up; the issues and resentments are still there, just buried and/or ignored.

 

You don't need a few months to reach indifference - you can get there much sooner. Just forgive yourself, forgive your ex, maintain NC and focus on doing whatever you want to do right now - without him!

 

Much love,

 

OD

[lovebug_5858]

Thanks lovebug! Please don't kick yourself for trying to make it work with your ex. We are all human and want the same things - to love, to be loved, to be happy. You were merely trying to find happiness. Unfortunately, they are "exes for a reason", as the saying goes. It's very rare that a couple can make it work after breaking up; the issues and resentments are still there, just buried and/or ignored.

 

You don't need a few months to reach indifference - you can get there much sooner. Just forgive yourself, forgive your ex, maintain NC and focus on doing whatever you want to do right now - without him!

 

Much love,

 

OD

Indeed, we are all human. I'm trying not to kick myself but the more I think about it and I have thought A LOT, which I really can't help, the more I want to kick myself because all the same signs were there just a few weeks after he came back around. I wish I would have just ended things right then and there but what can I do. The deeds are done and yeah, I'm trying to move on, forgive myself, forgive him, more than ever maintain NC. But it's proving to be a tad difficult. But I won't give in, and more impotantly I won't give up.

[Oregon_Dude]

You can't change the past and you can't control the future. You can only be right now. You are doing your best right now.

 

Just do the best you can, and know that all things must pass.

[na49]

Your story is pretty inspiring dude. It's awesome to see that you have accepted the end of the relationship, and are happy enough with yourself to not need someone else. I hope to get there one day. It's like I forgot how to be happy when I'm single.

[Oregon_Dude]

Hey, thanks na49. I'm glad to be of some help. This site and all its awesome people have really gotten me through some tough times over the years. I'm pretty stoked to be back and in a positive frame of mind.

 

I've been dealing with some health issues (on which I don't care to elaborate), and as a result just don't see myself dating for a while until they improve. In the meantime, the ex has sent vague texts and tried to maintain some friendship - I'm not interested. She left my life, and has to deal with no contact from me as a result. When we were together I made it clear to her that I do not keep exes as friends, so she shouldn't be surprised.

 

I would like everyone to remember that just because one person doesn't want to be with you, doesn't reflect on you as a human being. You are beautiful and you have a caring heart, which is always something to be proud of. Also, try not to condemn the "dumper", as they are only doing what they think is best for themselves at the time.

 

OD

Edited February 14, 2015 by Oregon_Dude

[Tarot777]

Hi!

 

I really liked your thread, thanks for posting

Too bad we don't live geographically close, I got a new guitar and could use some lessons

[Hope40]

I just got on this site and I found your posts and story extremely helpful. I really want to get the courage to end a relationship and I am looking for encouragement and stories about people who have survived! Thank you, Hope40

[Oregon_Dude]

Gah. Ack. I'm back.

 

I recently posted about a breakup (yes, another one) under the username kizik15 , since I couldn't remember my password and details. Anyway, here I am again, the place I come to whenever the sh*t goes down.

 

It's funny, I was actually reading a thread about No Contact, logged in as kizik15, when I read a post by Oregon_Dude. "Hey, that's me!" I exclaimed. (Well.. mentally exclaimed.) So, I went down the rabbit hole of reading my old posts, and was glad to see I had maybe helped some people.

 

I barely remember posting here in February of this year, but apparently I did. I don't know what inspired me to do so, but reading back, it's clear I was in a good headspace at the time. I wasn't faking it, I was over that girl and truly did not give one iota of an eff. I wanted to inspire some of you and let you know that yes, hooking up with other people, being busy, etc. helps, but ultimately it is time that will cleanse your soul of all heartbreak.

 

Well, about six weeks after writing said update, I began messaging a girl on OKCupid. Despite having said here that I wasn't ready to date, date, I did indeed. Anyway, we hit it off. She lived out of town, about six hours from me. Neither of us took it very seriously.

 

We began to hit it off. Constant messaging. Then phone, then Skype, then a date when she happened to be in my town. Then she came and spent the weekend together. I visited her for a few days in her town, about three weeks later. And so on. Long-distance relationship, which I had previously vowed not to do again. Problem 1.

 

She decided to move down here to go to school. NOT to be with me. Very long story short, she just moved down here. I helped her. Loaded up the U-Haul, even drove the d*mn thing 7 hours here. Had a few good days together.

 

And then she broke up with me.

 

Reasons? Stress, blah blah blah. I don't care. I feel used. She had me do her dirty work, got rid of me. Yes, she was in a place of stress, anxiety and depression because of the move. But instead of leaning on me during such trying times (as partners do), she dumped me. She is 21 years old. I am 31. Problem 2.

 

Now, this is only a problem because of her maturity level during aforementioned trying times. We found lots to talk about; had an insane sexual connection. I'm talking freaky stuff that would get me banned here if I elaborated.

 

We're in NC now. When she texted me that she wasn't "really sure if she wanted to be in a relationship right now," that was it for me, after being treated as an afterthought for a couple weeks at that point. I didn't respond, and blocked her on FB. Two days later she texts me, "Did you block me on Facebook?" I didn't answer, as she was just trying to fight. I am sure she thinks my block was incredibly immature. Whatever.

 

It helps to read what I wrote 6 months ago, about the previous ex. It helps me to know that I will feel that exact same way about this new ex. Because right now, all I can think of is my ex's beautiful eyes, kinky sex and raunchy text conversations. Everything that reminds me of her. Etc.

 

BTW, the previous ex? She came sniffing around, after all. Sent me a mushy text a couple months ago about how sorry she is for everything and how I deserve someone that can treat me the way I deserve. Blah blah.

 

Right now, I don't know why I continue to get involved in relationships. I don't what it is about me and the women I choose that constantly gets my heart broken. I don't know why I have had sh*t luck in love ever since I was 13 years old. I'd like to think the right one is still out there, but I'm losing faith. I have been dumped in some BRUTAL ways.

 

I read everyone's stories, and although they all have minor twists, they're essentially all the same. We loved, we were broken up with, we were blind-sided, and we're crushed. It's this sameness, though, that helps us know we are not alone.

 

I'm heartbroken again, and doing NC again. Rinse, repeat. But the past is a good predictor of the future, and re-reading my story, your story - our story - I know for a fact it's going to be OK.

 

To love is to risk. To risk is to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to be hurt. To hurt is to be human. And we are human. And that's beautiful.

 

Wishing you better luck in love than myself.

 

Truly,

 

OD

[Oregon_Dude]

Well, I'm kind of speaking to air here, but that's OK.

 

It's been a couple weeks NC, and maybe some of you have read the thread I made about the ex stringing me along to help her move, and then breaking up with me. As this was a recent realization of mine -- you know, since I am not only the dumpee but a man, so things take time to sink in -- it's been a rough couple of days.

 

However, today I just feel like: this person is so not worth putting mental energy into. I'm sure she's dating/f*cking someone new, for validation, and not giving a crap about this scenario. The fact that she could erase me so easily speaks volumes to her character and lack of commitment. And in any case, bottom line, she doesn't feel anything for me. So, screw her.

 

But I have a lot to be proud of. I'm over 7 months clean and sober. I just got a raise at work. I'm knee-deep in the muck, yet again, and somehow surviving. I've got a date or two lined up. I'm scheduled out until the middle of next week. I'm quitting smoking (yet again!). Continuing to play my music.

 

So, one day at a time. It's OK to feel sad about a situation, but you run the risk of becoming stuck. I've been stuck the last couple days. I'd like today to be the first day of the rest of my life. Because wallowing in pain is.. not good.

 

Remember - you are awesome. No matter how badly someone hurt you -- just move forward. That chapter of your book is closed. Appreciate it, and know there's still plenty of writing to be done. You never know what exciting things are just around the corner.

 

I'll be back to b*tch and complain tomorrow

 

OD

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm gonna talk to myself a little bit more. Some would say this should go in the Post here instead of contacting your ex! thread, but I'll just leave it here.

 

You're almost 22 years old. When we first started talking, I was impressed by how well-spoken and well-written you were for your age. And your collegiate accomplishments, and your current career. You are intelligent.

 

I remember getting a text from you one day, that was meant for a co-worker who you were chastising. He's older than you, but apparently you have rank over him. It was scathing, it was reprimanding, it was humiliating. You told me later than it made him cry. Anyway, I texted you back, "I would hate to have you as a boss!" You sent him the text so you didn't have to engage in a conversation. So you had the control.

 

Well, now you're my boss, except I don't give a f*ck what you say or don't say. You exhibit BPD traits, like a former ex of mine did. People are either amazing or terrible. Whoever's not in the room is fair game to talk about. That's how I know you're talking mad sh*t about me.

 

People are disposable to you. People are great, as long as they're feeding you, your attention, your needs, your ego. You are an only child who has been spoiled since birth. The world has revolved around you, a fact compounded that you're what we call a "millenial". Entitled, self-centered, expecting everyone else to serve you. Which they usually do, because of your external beauty and practiced manipulation.

 

You told me that you've always gotten every job you applied for. You showed me texts and screenshots of conversations you've had with exes, past dates.. guys who stalked you, were enamored with you. Oh how that must have made you feel so amazing.

 

You went to meetup with guys "just as friends", until I asked you to stop. I told you you were leading these guys on. You didn't believe me until they professed their love for you. All while I was dating you.

 

So go run to your many options, suckers waiting for you once you dumped me. Give them a few months like you gave me. Dump them without an explanation and move onto the next shiny thing. See how they can help you. Get their help and then get the hell out of dodge.

 

I can't believe I wasted so much energy, time and love on someone who was playing me the whole time. I am old enough to know better. Looking back, you told me exactly what I wanted to hear. Looking back, I'm sure I was a rebound, though I don't recall how recently you dated before me.

 

Everyone else is the problem. You're "perfect", remember? I think you really thought that.

 

I'm glad there are so many mirrors in your new apartment. Supposedly you hate looking at yourself. You hate yourself. No amount of justification and conversations with your mother will change that.

 

All I did was listen to your drama. Drunken fights with friends, men who wouldn't leave you alone. You are a bisexual, obsessive-compulsive depressive with anxiety, self-harming tendencies and a litany of medical issues.

 

What a f*cking headache. I can't believe I miss you. You are a trainwreck.

 

Thanks for not being my problem anymore. Good luck avoiding the mirrors.

 

OD

[Oregon_Dude]

Funny how the memories come flooding back in.

 

The day before we met to spend our first weekend together, you said, "when we get intimate, I don't want to talk about my scars, OK?" I remember thinking, "oh, sh*t." But at that point we had already come so far. What was I going to do -- break up with you? I just said to myself, OK, if this is what I have to deal with. You used to cut yourself. After our weekend together, I made you promise not to.

 

Looking back, the signs were everywhere. I just simply thought I could deal with you. You said people always tried to save you, but the only person who could save you was yourself. You said you deliberately steered the sessions with your shrink away from talking about yourself.

 

You said you used to be overweight, and starved yourself until you were skinny.

 

I'm sure there is more to remember. I can see it all clearer now. I told myself, it doesn't matter. Because I loved you. But now I know -- you are unstable. You might have Borderline Personality Disorder. You are a perfectionist, have low self-esteem, can't maintain relationships, love to shop, speed, have eating issues -- all symptoms. I thought I would never be with another BPD again.

 

It's comforting knowing the issue wasn't mine, though. I did nothing wrong but to get involved with you. You sucked me in. You knew exactly what I wanted to hear.

 

You are un-fixable. If I never hear from you again -- and I won't -- you'll be doing me a favor. Thank you for leaving me now, instead of when we were married, and/or with a child.