Oregon_Dude Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Hi everyone, I'm glad to be with all of you. I posted in 2008-09 after a particularly rough breakup (under a different username). This community is invaluable for its support, strength and practical advice. Love this place. Anyway, my gf of one year and I just broke up on Saturday. Things had been falling apart under pressure for the better part of three months. We moved in together without knowing each other well enough, and as a result we broke up due to financial issues - she lost her job and could barely contribute, and I can barely support just me. I feel dumb about all the money issues; it just caused more annoyance about each other and our behavioral tics, and eventually we both kind of fell out of love and were bickering far too much. Cried a lot today, and at work (which is always fun). I am processing things as best I can and have read a lot of good internet advice about dealing with breakups with self-compassion, patience and positivity. Part of the reason I am posting now is because I feel strangely TOO good at the moment. But I know the peacefulness is just a phase, and it will go away. (Just like the heartbreak.) I'm grateful for the rare hours when thoughts and memories and regrets go away, and I can just watch TV without feeling sick to my stomach. My ex and I were a mismatch. We had sex on our first date. This is emblematic of how overly-rushed our relationship was (but in a fun way). We don't share as much in common as we thought we did. We were together for just over a year. We live together and she's moving most of her stuff out later this week while I'm gone, and her bed in a week. I'm at my mom's, and fortunately my mom is out of town, which lets me process this with a little space. Anyway, it's going to get bad, I just thought I'd write during a peaceful moment after feeling like I was dying yesterday, wrecked all day today and knowing I'm going to wake with that unique dread tomorrow. Thanks for reading, I'm glad to be back and I am here to support anyone who is hurting - which is probably most people reading this. OD 3
ForHer Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I also wonder why one day I can feel strong and the next feel like my worlds falling apart. For me. He moved out and we had a six week old (he still sees) I was given Ativan to help cope. Advice? Rearrange your living room. I don't know why but changing everything made me feel better. Next? As a women, we crave attention. When we don't get it? It starts getting to us. Why don't you care? What are you doing? Is he talking to someone else. Did I make a mistake. I have always kicked my ex out but he always begged to come back and that he was sorry. The one weekend he didn't text me to come back? I.went.crazy. However he did come back after I went off on him and ignored him like I didn't care. This time however that didn't work. I'm not sure if you want her back or not. If not. Keep yourself busy, rearrange every room in your house, clean, change everything, your routine. For me it helped. I feel like right now if you act right this could just turn into a fight instead of the end.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 yo op...hows it going? how you doing today? Hey Grupp, thanks for asking. I am OK. I am spending the first night in this apartment without her tonight. Last weekend after we broke up, I told her to have all her stuff moved out by Wednesday (tonight). She complied. Only thing left here is her bed and a dresser and some sh*t, which is in her room. Yep. We had separate rooms. That was a decision made when we moved in together to each have our own space. This is the beginning of a new life for me. I can already feel the loneliness here, but it will get better. A part of me still can't believe we went from a couple to broken up and completely DONE, moved OUT, not TALKING anymore after what? 4 days? But we have been unhappy for several months leading up to this point. When she gets her bed sometime next week, I'll have my apartment manager let her in. I'm going 100% NC, which I never really broke anyway, except to send her a goodbye email right after we broke up, which I do not regret in the least. She is a ghost now. I will never see her again. I have to tell myself it is OK and that we made the right choice. We were suffering together, trying to make the impossible work, which is a relationship without love. Agh. It's gonna hit me hard tomorrow. I'll keep you guys posted. And thanks for that other thread you made, Grupp. I have to remember: I am smart, attractive, talented, and some other lady some day is gonna be lucky to have me. F*ck this one. She wasn't worth my love, which I wasted on her for too long. Good night, all. OD 6
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Are you in Portland?? I belong to a support group that meets Sunday's off of 84 and 58th. Has been a big help!!!
Author Oregon_Dude Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Today, my ex's employer called me, wondering where she was (apparently I was her emergency contact). Turned out she LIED to them, saying that her grandfather had died and she wasn't going to be able to come in for a while.. when in reality, she told me she QUIT! It's confusing to me, but the fact is, she lied to them, and to me by not telling me she made up some BS instead of just quitting like a grown-up after she got her new job. It's fuel for the fire. I am so glad I am no longer with a LIAR. Good job hon, you're digging your own grave. Meanwhile, I'll continue to live my life with honesty and integrity. Haven't cried over her in a couple days and it's starting to feel like I never will again. I fell for the first chick who came my way, to paraphrase Eminem. Stupid. I am going to take my sweet time this time. Only accepting applications from mature, adult WOMEN. It works if you go NC! 2
Author Oregon_Dude Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Hi everyone. I know I haven't gotten many responses in this thread, and that's ok. For me the thread will serve as a journal or log for my recovery, and anyone with similar experiences, thoughts, feelings and advice, please feel free to share. It's been one week since the breakup. The first three days I was a wreck. Then I saw some friends, went to the gym. Last night my best friend and I went out to the bars. First time out as a single man in over a year. Met some cool guys, no women though, which is probably for the best. Unfortunately I am hungover and tired today, which is a setback and makes me feel like an idiot. Oh well. Live and learn. Discovering that my ex had lied to me and other people the other day was a helpful step towards recovering. I would never want to be with someone like that, and I'm glad the truth eventually came through. It gives me a sense of anger and injustice that helps to realize that this person whom I thought I knew deeply was really a stranger to me in many ways. I'm glad we broke up after a year instead of dragging it out, which is what would have happened had she not dumped me. Starting over today. I fully advocate hanging out with friends immediately after a breakup, but leave alcohol out of it. Even the smallest hangover will make you depressed, feel like she is "winning", and susceptible to negative self-talk and chaotic emotions. I feel lost. I have so many decisions to make. I need a new roommate. I need to stop drinking. I need to stop smoking weed. I need to get involved with AA and/or SMART. I need to work on my musical career. I need to get a better job. I need to save money. All of this is very overwhelming. I wanted to type it all out though in order to have a list of things I can cross off. One goal at a time, one day at a time. I made a goal to not drink for two weeks, because six months would seem overwhelming and impossible. I know that you cannot go it alone, so I will try to find an AA or SMART meeting to attend this week. I know you cannot be a dry drunk, and that one must receive support from other alcoholics / addicts. Despite all these seemingly insurmountable obstacles, I know everything is going to be fine. I am a kind, warmhearted, talented guy. Handsome, loving, giving. I am going to be the best friend I have ever had right now. It is ok that I made mistakes. I will get support and help for my drinking, and take it one day at a time. Tonight I will do my laundry, make some dinner, watch TV and go to sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day full of promise and possibility. If you can relate to any of this, just know you are not alone. We are suffering and reflecting and looking back on our relationships to see what went wrong, and vowing to do better in the future. I could sit here and call myself a piece of sh*t loser alcoholic right now, and tell myself many unproductive, negative things. Or I could be my own best friend and say, it's ok. You are human. You f*ck up. You deserve to love and to be loved. You will heal. It's slow. Have patience. Reach out. Switch up your routine. Stay no contact. Sleep. Eat. Exercise. See good friends. I love you all and I'm sorry for your suffering. Suffering is part of life. Be proud that you took a risk on someone. Be proud you had the guts to take a chance on love, knowing full well that with its highs, there are lows just as extreme. And you know what? It's worth it. I will take a chance on someone else again. It might not work out. That's ok. I'm glad I met her. I'm glad we spent a year together. And I'm glad we broke up. Until next entry, be beautiful to yourself. OD 5
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Hi folks. 3 weeks post-breakup today. I still have not attended any AA / SMART meetings, but have been keeping my drinking in check for the most part. Today she picked up the last of her stuff, including her bed. This brought a sense of finality that was kind of depressing. On the plus side, I have a new guy roommate moving in tomorrow to take her place. (He can also pay RENT, which she had been unable to do for the majority of the six months we lived together.) I went on a date last night. She was cute, but apparently I blew it by bringing up the ex. (See this thread: Never mention ex on a date? ) However, I have another date tomorrow with someone else. Hopefully I can conduct myself in a more casual manner. I also updated my dating profile to clarify that I am not looking for a serious relationship at this time. One day at a time. I have regrets, I think about her, I wonder what she is doing, I'm also positive she is f*cking this one guy that she used to. It will all be ok. Just gotta keep socializing. Says the guy who is at home on a website Hang in there. You're not alone. We are all going through pain. We're good people. Love you guys. OD
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone, I am not sure exactly why I am posting, except to gain a sense of community and share what progress I have made since my ex decided to end things a month ago. When she left, it blind-sided me, as I was confident that after months of going through financial-related arguments (we were living together), her new job would allow us some breathing room and perhaps repair our relationship. She hadn't been able to contribute to our living situation for quite some time, and the results were draining my finances. I tried to be gracious about it but resentment crept in. The truth is that I was unhappy, too, and had expressed this to her. She was a poor communicator, didn't address her needs and never let me know she had basically fallen out of love with me until the very end, at which point I was shocked. Anyway, since breaking up a month ago I have had plenty of time to think about the inherent incompatibilities between us, and how she was right when she said we weren't long-term material. She moved out, I put an ad up on Craigslist about a week later. Had some interviews and decided on a guy, who is quite cool and is now living here. So, I have a new roommate who will help with bills, unlike she was. This is good. Ex and I have had very light contact, only to briefly discuss her getting her items from here. It is cordial but distant. After our last contact about mail of hers here, I don't think there will be more. That is fine, I asked her not to contact me, as I want to move on. We both understand that this is for the best, though I think she's with another guy and I know I am the one who went through the worst of the emotional pain, as a the "dumpee". When she broke up with me, she even told me she'd been feeling confused for weeks. I am eating well whenever possible and exercising a few times a week. I went out on a couple dates, neither of them love connections, but I am glad to be getting out there and talking to new and (sometimes) interesting people. Supposed to have another date tomorrow, we will see. At the same time, I'm not sure if I should be dating right now. Some much-needed alone time and contemplation could do me some good. I am reading a lot, going on walks, bought new shoes. Little things that hopefully will give me confidence in re-building my life as a single person. OK, so point of the thread is this: a week ago, I told myself, you have one more week to grieve this relationship. The crying stopped a couple weeks ago; I have hours that go by when I'm not sad about the ex. Thoughts pop in, but that is going to happen. You just have to let them pass and not dwell. I read somewhere that for every year of a relationship, give yourself a month to grieve it fully. (Ex and I were together one year.) I know, this can sound like not enough time or rushing the emotional processing... but for me, there is only so much moping around and remembering and dwelling that I want to do anymore. It will still hurt. That's fine. But I'm taking charge of the new direction my life is going in, one filled with strangers and possibilities, and opportunities to make decisions I would not have made when in a serious relationship. I have used these last two days to look for a new job as well, since I have been on a mini-vacation from work. I know that one does not want to make huge life decisions when going through stress, but my current job is very dissatisfying and I wanted to see what's out there. Realistically, I am probably going to have to stick out the crappy job for at least a few more months, so I am going to go in next week and have a better attitude about the job. I am nowhere close to where I want to be, post-breakup. But I have made small steps to get back to myself as an independent man. I've grieved for my month, and while I will not repress my feelings, I also will not allow them to defeat me or my own personal progress in life, as I begin to enter a new chapter, which remains unknown and strangely exciting. Thanks for reading. Please share your progress - or lack thereof. OD Edited July 19, 2014 by Oregon_Dude 1
Elle1975 Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 I can relate; the getting back on your feet, exercising, making your life feel good again. It doesn't make all the feelings go away but it does help with the sense of self-worth. 4
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Ugh. I was out walking, minding my own business, and who do I run into but my ex, walking right past me, with another guy. She waved, I ignored. Such a kick in the stomach. Right after I resolve to try to start feeling better, forget her, and try to move on, this happens. I can't stand how quickly some women can move one with other guys. Women, always being pursued, while I sit here in pain, having to see it with my own eyes, feeling like I've made no progress. And this is while intentionally staying no contact!! If anyone has helpful words, I could sure use them right now. I feel like such a loser.
SoThatHappened Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 What has really helped me is: - My ex was/is a vine-swinger - She jumped from guy to guy before me and jumped to a guy (likely cheated on me with him) right after me. - She had it made with me. Not tooting my own horn, but she hat it made. - She jumped from me to a co-worker. Yeah, I'm hoping she's brushed up her resume, because (and this is what helps me), she's going to jump away from him too! She hasn't been able to be alone. She can't fix or work on herself, or sooth herself. If you can't do these things, I don't know how you'll ever be happy or healthy. So, some helpful words? She will probably rinse/recycle/repeat. She'll likely even try to come back to you. It's not easy going through this, but knowing that she's not good for you and will more than likely leave this guy should help. It helped me when I needed it. The biggest thing: she's not your problem anymore Once you realize that, it's a big weight off your shoulders. 1
artsygirl78 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I am so glad you are posting here and sharing your thoughts and feelings along your journey. I really appreciate your honesty, I am two months post BU and a little over one month NC, and you are absolutely right when you say that part of the support in these forums is realizing that you are not alone, that the process of grief is a universal one that we all sort of suffer and stumble through after we have lost someone we loved very much. Please continue to keep us posted, I want to know how you are doing and feeling! From everything that you wrote, it sounds like in breaking up with this young lady you might have dodged a bullet - it sounds like her pattern was to fall in and out of relationships too quickly and too easily. I know it is a HUGE burn to one's ego to see someone you still love and care for on the arm of another person, but remember - you have no idea what is really going on, and believe me when I tell you, your ex's behavior, baggage and issues are not going to magically disappear for the "new interest" - they now get to inherit what you had to deal with. It takes a personal epiphany and a lot of introspection to want to make deep changes in one's personal behaviors and choices - and your ex does not sound like the type. Good for you for taking care of yourself, day by day over time it will get better. There are days I feel empowered, and days when I miss my ex so much I could cry at the drop of a hat, but intellectually I know it was the right thing to part ways, and I am trying to be patient with my sore and tender heart, and wait for it to catch up with the wisdom of knowing he was not a healthy match for me and that I deserved to be treated better. Keep strong, we are here for you! 4
lonley scotsman Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Ugh. I was out walking, minding my own business, and who do I run into but my ex, walking right past me, with another guy. She waved, I ignored. Such a kick in the stomach. Right after I resolve to try to start feeling better, forget her, and try to move on, this happens. I can't stand how quickly some women can move one with other guys. Women, always being pursued, while I sit here in pain, having to see it with my own eyes, feeling like I've made no progress. And this is while intentionally staying no contact!! If anyone has helpful words, I could sure use them right now. I feel like such a loser. I agree,women do seem to move on quicker than guys,is it because women get pursued more than guys?once a woman decides that its over they can become very cold,complete opposite of when the relationship is ongoing, i broke up with my GF a month ago,she has shown no emotion or sadness that we didnt work out,no doubt the offers came flooding in on facebook for her once we broke up,nothing i can do about it,so why worry?
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 From everything that you wrote, it sounds like in breaking up with this young lady you might have dodged a bullet - it sounds like her pattern was to fall in and out of relationships too quickly and too easily. I know it is a HUGE burn to one's ego to see someone you still love and care for on the arm of another person, but remember - you have no idea what is really going on, and believe me when I tell you, your ex's behavior, baggage and issues are not going to magically disappear for the "new interest" - they now get to inherit what you had to deal with. It takes a personal epiphany and a lot of introspection to want to make deep changes in one's personal behaviors and choices - and your ex does not sound like the type. I want you to know that your response, especially the above, helped me to see that she is just an insecure, relationship/attention-addicted child. You are right, my ex will never grow, never learn to be alone, just leave a trail of men in her wake... but you know what, we all want attention and love, and she is out there getting it, quicker and easier than I can! Things are getting better, slowly but surely. To the point where I don't come on this site very often, as it tends to remind me of heartbreak and things that I don't want to think about. Another realization I had is this, and I want all you heartbroken dumpees out there to internalize this: she doesn't miss me. Your ex does not miss you. Oh, sure, maybe you cross their mind in a small moment during the day. But the fact is, they're out there, getting laid, partying it up, and moving on without you, because they do not love you anymore. They do not miss us. So, what can we do? Start not missing them in return. Do you want to be the sucker, the loser, the one who pines alone at home, who wished they'd come back, who wishes it never happened, who can't move on, who wallows in self-pity, who stays indoors, doesn't do anything? NO!!! You want to meet people, get back into your hobbies, and say, "F*ck this. I am not going to let someone ruin my life." It is true that the dumpers have quite the head start to recovery... they broke up with us weeks, sometimes months after considering it. They had known about the breakup long before we did. So, we're blindsided, shocked, hurt, stunned, inconsolable little babies. BOO HOO! It's been over a month since my breakup; I was a mess for the first few weeks, had to f*cking SEE HER OUT WITH ANOTHER GUY. I don't care! I don't care if she's happy, I don't care what she does or WHO she does, she is not my problem anymore, and you know what? She's an idiot. An idiot for getting this far into a relationship only to bail when times get tough. I played an open mic the other day (I'm a singer-songwriter), I'm metting up with a girl this weekend, I've finally found a career path, going back to school next year to pursue it. Do you think this chick is going to stop me in my path? NO WAY! I am going to be ten times the man I was, and all because of this breakup, which will prove to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I still think about her. I will continue to do so. But all this wondering what she's doing, does she miss me.. NO! Assume the worst. Assume she is out there f*cking the whole football team, talking bad about you, not thinking about you. Who won? Did she? I don't think so. Breakups are warfare. Don't talk to them, don't give them the satisfaction of your sadness. This is an opportunity to be FREE, single and appreciated. Any cute girl in the world is now someone I can talk to and flirt with freely. She thinks she won, fine. My silence will speak for how much I miss her. Am I crawling back? Have I begged, asked for her back, contacted her at all except to tell her to pick up her mail? Hell no. Get rid of the bad thoughts, the lingering, the memories. They do not matter anymore. The person you are with is gone and moving on... AND SO ARE YOU. You are no longer the boyfriend to that girl, the unhappy, stuck in a bad situation sucker. You are alive, young, free, and the world is now a blank canvas. But be angry. Because that person who left you... they just suck. They thought it was better out there. Great! Go and see that there are no men like me. In the meantime, there are far better women than my ex out there. And if she's going to forget about me, you better be damn sure I'm going to do my best to catch up. I'm off to get dinner with a buddy. Keep your heads up. This thing happened because it had to. Embrace the change; resistance is suffering. OD 2
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Hola. Just wanted to share recent developments and experiences of mine related to this breakup. Last weekend on Saturday, I woke up with an insatiable need to contact her. I called some friends and relatives, got some advice, which was that if you really feel like you need to contact her, do it. So I did. I texted her: Just want you to know that I still think of you, care about you, and miss talking with you. She texted back, thanking me for my sentiments and letting me know I could get a hold of her anytime I wanted to talk. We opened up a text dialogue, where I told her how hard it has been not contacting her, and that I regretted telling her not to contact me. She said that all she knew to do was honor my wishes and leave me alone, and that she was glad I reached out because she wanted to catch up. We made loose plans to get together next weekend (which would have been today). This got me jazzed, I got my high (especially since she had said things like "I still have love for you" etc.). I called her on Thursday after work after asking her if I could. We talked for about 45 mins, she told me about her future plans, it was a pretty candid conversation with my apologizing for my role in the breakup, her doing the same, but also confirming that her feelings hadn't changed. It was a civil conversation. I came home that night feeling like sh*t, because she had just hurt me again (of course, I had given her the opportunity to do so, by asking what her feelings for me were). She texted the next day, sounding all chipper, thanking me for calling and wishing me a good day. I responded noncommittally. She texted me this morning letting me know she'd be home tonight and we could get together then. I just wrote back, "Have fun, but I decided getting together is not a good idea for me. Say bye before you move away, though." (She has some half-baked plan to move to Hawaii next year.) I suppose the point of me updating LoveShack with this info is as follows: we preach no contact on this site as the Word, and as I have just discovered again, that's because it's your best course of action for moving on with your life, without illusions of your ex coming back. BUT, sometimes you need to break NC as a way to put your hand in the fire again, make sure it still burns. In clearer terms: because I had asked my ex not to contact me, she didn't, which left me wondering what she had been feeling and thinking. So I reached out first, put myself and my emotions on the line, asked her what hers were, and was given the gift of the Truth, that she's moving on, doesn't feel anything romantic for me (mostly just feels guilty for dumping me). But this truth has helped me to fully accept that this thing is done, no second chances - and why would I want one, with someone who didn't want to be with me - and now I can move on with my life and not think about this person anymore. I know that I will still think of her, and that I will for some months to come, but any hope I had for reconciliation I can now fully release and accept the fact and reality that she does. not. love. me. So I'm going to say that sometimes breaking this arbitrary no contact rule can be beneficial, even if it hurts you, because it will reinforce the fact that this person doesn't want to be with you, which can be a very helpful and swift kick in the a** to let you know: it's over. She's over it. SHE IS THE PAST. You can't reclaim the past, you can only live in the Now, and your ex is not part of your Now anymore. You will never, ever get back what you had, even if you get back together, because that relationship has been tainted by the painful events and memories that have occurred in the interim. I'm glad I broke NC, I got my a** handed to me - even though she was sweet, the conversation was full of empathy and caring - and it's simply ludicrous to pursue someone's interest who merely views you as a friend, and wants to keep you as one so they don't have to feel guilty about having broken your heart. That's the end of my story with this girl. We were together for one year, we broke up two months ago. It's been a painful, shocking journey, and it's not over yet... but I really do believe I can close the chapter of hoping and wishing and non-acceptance that has hindered my recovery up to this point. Moving forward, I am going to focus on my new career, my music.. and NOT dating! I've gone on several dates since the BU, only to be disappointed that it hasn't worked out with any of them. I'm too vulnerable and not secure enough with myself, to be ready for anyone's love. Good luck out there. Break the rules, put your hand in the fire if you have to, because it may just wake you up the reality that your ex is over you, doesn't view you romantically, and that a friendship may seem like something you want, but if you have any inkling of yearning for them, it's going to be detrimental to you, and you should not hang out with that person. OD 1
tornforever Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 What has really helped me is: - My ex was/is a vine-swinger - She jumped from guy to guy before me and jumped to a guy (likely cheated on me with him) right after me. - She had it made with me. Not tooting my own horn, but she hat it made. - She jumped from me to a co-worker. Yeah, I'm hoping she's brushed up her resume, because (and this is what helps me), she's going to jump away from him too!. Hey! OP, I have also recently gone through a horrible breakup, this quote reminded me of my ex, years before we started dating she had gone back to back with different boyfriends, within a week or two, sometimes i think some girls can't live alone and need to latch themselves or find emotionally support to live this doesn't apply to all so i apologize if i'm coming across as bias, its sad and it hurts ive seen my ex with 2 different (new) guys in the past 3 months (boyfriends) one of them was the one she cheated on me... lasted a month, and now this new one which she stated dating around a week ago, not necessarily seen but seen pictures and she tells me to rub it in my face, she has also gone on dates with other guys from dating sites, before all this, i know its all a mess and crazy, and she was a crazy liar. 3 months of a breakup and its still very difficult, sometimes i feel fine other days i feel like a mess, people call me crazy after what she did but i suppose love makes you feel/say/act very differently. One thing i found different is why did you guys sleep in different rooms? did you not like cuddling or watching movies?, since im still abit devastated i can't provide the best advice but i understand your pain and what your going through, i will continue to read your journal entries =)
Simon Phoenix Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Hola. Just wanted to share recent developments and experiences of mine related to this breakup. Last weekend on Saturday, I woke up with an insatiable need to contact her. I called some friends and relatives, got some advice, which was that if you really feel like you need to contact her, do it. So I did. I texted her: Just want you to know that I still think of you, care about you, and miss talking with you. She texted back, thanking me for my sentiments and letting me know I could get a hold of her anytime I wanted to talk. We opened up a text dialogue, where I told her how hard it has been not contacting her, and that I regretted telling her not to contact me. She said that all she knew to do was honor my wishes and leave me alone, and that she was glad I reached out because she wanted to catch up. We made loose plans to get together next weekend (which would have been today). This got me jazzed, I got my high (especially since she had said things like "I still have love for you" etc.). I called her on Thursday after work after asking her if I could. We talked for about 45 mins, she told me about her future plans, it was a pretty candid conversation with my apologizing for my role in the breakup, her doing the same, but also confirming that her feelings hadn't changed. It was a civil conversation. I came home that night feeling like sh*t, because she had just hurt me again (of course, I had given her the opportunity to do so, by asking what her feelings for me were). She texted the next day, sounding all chipper, thanking me for calling and wishing me a good day. I responded noncommittally. She texted me this morning letting me know she'd be home tonight and we could get together then. I just wrote back, "Have fun, but I decided getting together is not a good idea for me. Say bye before you move away, though." (She has some half-baked plan to move to Hawaii next year.) I suppose the point of me updating LoveShack with this info is as follows: we preach no contact on this site as the Word, and as I have just discovered again, that's because it's your best course of action for moving on with your life, without illusions of your ex coming back. BUT, sometimes you need to break NC as a way to put your hand in the fire again, make sure it still burns. In clearer terms: because I had asked my ex not to contact me, she didn't, which left me wondering what she had been feeling and thinking. So I reached out first, put myself and my emotions on the line, asked her what hers were, and was given the gift of the Truth, that she's moving on, doesn't feel anything romantic for me (mostly just feels guilty for dumping me). But this truth has helped me to fully accept that this thing is done, no second chances - and why would I want one, with someone who didn't want to be with me - and now I can move on with my life and not think about this person anymore. I know that I will still think of her, and that I will for some months to come, but any hope I had for reconciliation I can now fully release and accept the fact and reality that she does. not. love. me. So I'm going to say that sometimes breaking this arbitrary no contact rule can be beneficial, even if it hurts you, because it will reinforce the fact that this person doesn't want to be with you, which can be a very helpful and swift kick in the a** to let you know: it's over. She's over it. SHE IS THE PAST. You can't reclaim the past, you can only live in the Now, and your ex is not part of your Now anymore. You will never, ever get back what you had, even if you get back together, because that relationship has been tainted by the painful events and memories that have occurred in the interim. I'm glad I broke NC, I got my a** handed to me - even though she was sweet, the conversation was full of empathy and caring - and it's simply ludicrous to pursue someone's interest who merely views you as a friend, and wants to keep you as one so they don't have to feel guilty about having broken your heart. That's the end of my story with this girl. We were together for one year, we broke up two months ago. It's been a painful, shocking journey, and it's not over yet... but I really do believe I can close the chapter of hoping and wishing and non-acceptance that has hindered my recovery up to this point. Moving forward, I am going to focus on my new career, my music.. and NOT dating! I've gone on several dates since the BU, only to be disappointed that it hasn't worked out with any of them. I'm too vulnerable and not secure enough with myself, to be ready for anyone's love. Good luck out there. Break the rules, put your hand in the fire if you have to, because it may just wake you up the reality that your ex is over you, doesn't view you romantically, and that a friendship may seem like something you want, but if you have any inkling of yearning for them, it's going to be detrimental to you, and you should not hang out with that person. OD Meh, I don't think it was remotely necessary or a good idea to do what you did. Just seemed like walking on glass for no reason. If you are truly done contacting her, then it's not horrible, but many people in your position get caught in a pattern where they keep "checking in" and keep putting their hand in the fire. If you can avoid this, that's good, but I'm guessing you are going to be going through a similar process in the coming weeks. Next time, please don't cave. 2
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 Meh, I don't think it was remotely necessary or a good idea to do what you did. Just seemed like walking on glass for no reason. If you are truly done contacting her, then it's not horrible, but many people in your position get caught in a pattern where they keep "checking in" and keep putting their hand in the fire. If you can avoid this, that's good, but I'm guessing you are going to be going through a similar process in the coming weeks. Next time, please don't cave.I am truly done contacting her. I told her to say bye before she moves away (in February or something). While I respect your opinion, I feel it was a major step towards understanding how she really feels (which is indifferent, no regrets) and being able to move forward. If it was a mistake, so be it. We've been NC since the BU 2 months ago, and it was something I feel I needed to do. If it has set me back, well, I can start from now. I won't be contacting her again - that's a promise to myself most importantly, but to all of you as well.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 I am truly done contacting her. I told her to say bye before she moves away (in February or something). While I respect your opinion, I feel it was a major step towards understanding how she really feels (which is indifferent, no regrets) and being able to move forward. If it was a mistake, so be it. We've been NC since the BU 2 months ago, and it was something I feel I needed to do. If it has set me back, well, I can start from now. I won't be contacting her again - that's a promise to myself most importantly, but to all of you as well. If you stick to that, that's fine. But those feelings of "I forgot to say this" or "what did she mean by that" will start creeping in. If you resist those, then no harm done, it's a temporary setback. But if you don't, then it becomes an obsessive pattern. Hopefully this was a one-time f--k-up, those aren't a big deal.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) Hey Simon, thanks for your responses. During our phone conversation, I pretty much said everything I needed to. We expressed mutual care for each other, she told me she was happy. I don't have anything I am analyzing anymore; she's over it, doesn't want to be with me. Fine. I can't foresee wanting to contact her about anything. I believe I have fully accepted the breakup, and am working on making it a part of my past (a meaningful year, nonetheless). I don't even consider my recent contact a f*ck up - though I know many will disagree. I will agree with you that it's a temporary setback, but one that I think needed to happen. I am looking forward to moving on without any contact to/from her anymore. Edited August 18, 2014 by Oregon_Dude
Author Oregon_Dude Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Hey all! Been a while. Just stopping in to give a little encouragement during this tough holiday time (for some). Last time I was here I was really struggling with contacting my ex, holding out hope that we could still work things out, etc. I had not fully processed the fact that we were done and would never be able to work it out. She has contacted me a few times since my last writing here, mostly out of guilt, wanting to have a friendship. I told her that would not be good for me. She texted me happy birthday a few weeks ago, I didn't respond. If you go no contact, and truly stick with it, that person that broke your heart and meant so much to you will eventually fade into the ether. As much as it has been said here, time truly does heal all wounds. I know that some of you are in true pain right now, dealing with a breakup, and my heart goes out to you. Just know that if you stick to NC and make steps to build a life for yourself that has nothing to do with your ex, you will eventually find yourself in a place of true indifference towards that person. I'm still single and have no desire to date or be in a relationship. I tried to date last summer, pretty fresh off the BU, and it backfired on me, as I was not ready. Truth is that I have been a relationship guy ever since I can remember, and it's been to my own detriment. You don't need someone else to feel worthy or to feel complete. Life is its own beautiful enterprise when you're single. Anyway, I could not imagine ever getting over the pain... and I did. Just like all things, good and bad, it passes. Whether you are coupled or single, I wish you a great Valentine's, and hope you know that you are enough. OD 5
MovingOnIsHard Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Hey OP, Just want to let you know Im here rooting for you. I can relate with feeling the need to keep in touch with your ex despite you wanting to go NC. It's normal, even when we know they are not for us, we grew attached to them... that's why we will have these nagging feelings of wanting to see them, talk to them, etc. I have been NC with my ex for 2 months now since we broke up almost 3 months ago. He wanted to break up so i let him walk away this time. 2 weeks ago, he messaged me how sorry he was for cheating and wanted to meet up for coffee. I tell you, part of me wanted to see him too.. but then my rational side says 'no, he's not good for you'. who knows, he would have just wanted to see me so he can slip in and say he has a new gf now.. or he wants to be friends... or blame me for us breaking up. Seeing him would have set me 20 steps back. It's an inner battle. Heart vs mind. Gotta put yourself first. :-)
Author Oregon_Dude Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Thanks, Moving. Read the above - I'm doing fine! Hope you stay NC and learn to live life without him.
Recommended Posts