pixel blue Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone, First post here, I hope this is the appropriate subforum. If not, feel free to move it as needed. So I'll try to keep this somewhat concise. Back in February my girlfriend of a year and I split up. It wasn't quite mutual, primarily her decision, but to be honest I had seen it coming for a while. We'd had the conversation before, but had been able to talk it through. At the time we were both sort of at a crossroads. She had just gotten a dream job in LA. My plan was to move out there with her, but it would have been financially difficult to do without a job myself. It was very painful, but in retrospect it may have been for the best. A few months went by with minimal contact. Gradually we started talking as friends. She initiated contact(or I suppose we both did; this was back in April). I soon found out she had begun seeing one of her coworkers in LA. I had since moved to Nashville. The fact that she was already seeing someone bothered me, and I showed it(a mistake on my part). She was very remorseful that I found out, and said she "just wanted to make sure I was ok". We stopped talking as much a for a bit. After I got a job offer in Vancouver, she began talking a bit more. She even mentioned the possibility of moving there herself, as that's where our industry(visual effects for film) has been growing the most. I foolishly read into this as her wanting to reconcile. After that, she said that she said she was going to give me space, but we still talked intermittently. She apologized for some of the things she did during our relationship, and told me in spite of everything she thought I was a great person. A few days later her car was broken into in LA, and she contacted me when she was stressed about it. I tried to get in touch again, just to see if everything was going ok, but she didn't respond. I may have spammed her a bit...I tend to get pretty nervous when I don't hear back from people after a couple days. Eventually she responded, saying that she was trying to give me space. This left me very confused, as just a few days prior it seemed like she wanted to talk. All in all, she's been very confusing and a bit wishy washy. I'm not angry, and while a part of me would like to get back together, I recognize that probably wouldn't be healthy. I'd really like to remain friends, as we have a lot in common, but both of us seem to keep repeating this cycle of talking, getting emotional(usually me, I'll admit it), then distancing ourselves. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'd really hate to lose her as a friend as well, but I'm not sure she's been fair to me. That wasn't very concise, but I tried. Thoughts are appreciated, thanks for reading. Edited July 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
mightycpa Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 If I may be so bold, You don't want to be her friend. You want to be that special someone. She's been plenty fair to you, you haven't been fair to her. You keep responding to her friendly overtures with loving response. I understand it, but the responsibility for this lies with you. There's a lot of talk around here about No Contact. I like to think of it as "Two Contacts." The first contact is where you tell this ex that you're having a hard time getting over the breakup. You love them, and you can't let go, and that you need to fix it, because neither of you likes that. So what you need is a complete break, to allow you time and space to heal. Ask for that from them. When you request this, you should spell out the terms for the Second Contact. That's where you tell the ex that you are 100% confident that there will be a day where you just don't care anymore, and that's the day that you will contact the ex. Until that day comes, they should not contact you in any way, for any reason, because it means you're not ready, and the ex needs to respect that. You will let the ex know when, if ever, that day has arrived. And then stick to it. It isn't easy, but it is the best way.
loversquarrel Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 It's quite clear that at this stage you are not able to be just friends with her. As far as fairness goes - I see three things going on here - 1.) If she is involved with someone else, she is not being fair to them by calling you when a problem arises in her life. She broke up with you, she needs to deal with it herself. 2.) She shouldn't have to apologize for seeing someone else - again, she broke up with you, she shouldn't feel like she has to hide things from you. 3.) Finally - The person you need to be fair with is yourself, and you are not. Every time you have contact with her you are setting yourself up for failure and hurt. You are hoping for (expecting) results that are not going to materialize at this time. You need to move on for you and take care of you, because she isn't going to anytime soon.
Author pixel blue Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 @mightycpa I see where you're coming from about the loving response, but I'm not sure it's accurate to say it's only coming from me. Her reaching out to me when she was stressed about her car break in sent very mixed signals. She's also been exceptionally nice to me, more so than she was when we were together, and has acted genuinely concerned about my wellbeing. Point is, she's been showing 'loving' concern herself. I'm not so foolish to think she's still romantically interested, and I know I'm at fault here too, but her behavior hasn't been that of a platonic, casual friend. Thanks for the replies so far.
Author pixel blue Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Interesting that you mention she shouldn't feel like she has to hide things from me. She's been very careful about never mentioning her new relationship, even going so far as to hide it from facebook, etc. Not sure what that means.
loversquarrel Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 It could mean a number of things. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, maybe it makes her feel strange, maybe she's letting on that there might be more to it than really exists...
Author pixel blue Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 "maybe she's letting on that there might be more to it than really exists..." Meaning you think they're relationship is very serious? If so, I've kind of suspected that, they've been together for some time.
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