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Would you invest in a relationship where yr partner refused to pay for meals outside

Pennyyes

By Pennyyes
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Pennyyes Member

Pennyyes

Posted
Posted

... a guy who refused to go out to eat dinner or go to the cinema because he didn't want to pay for himself let alone treat you?

 

*Guy doesn't want to work, and is living off his savings. He wants to stay at home self-teaching (English Lit) most of the day. Will spend money on concerts or plays (£5). He hasn't really changed his clothing style since he was a teenager (baggy jeans and hoody). I don't really care how a person dresses, I just mention it because he is generally quite set in his ways (he's in his early 30s now).

 

Has said he will "treat" his partner to come and watch the play or concert with him and suggests she do the same for events she wants to go to with him (however she enjoys eating out every week so that would involve her spending money on him more often).

 

What do you think?

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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I'm sure there is someone out there that might appreciate this in a guy, but it wouldn't be me...

 

And "she spending money on him" shouldn't feel resentful if she is offering and he is accepting. If she gets tired of doing it, than she should stop.

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HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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Cheap, doesn't want to work, and dresses like a bum....NEXT!

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Biscous Established Member

Biscous

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Reminds me of my situation, but I'm a male. The girl I am on/off with said let's split the check and I agreed, and she got upset with me.

 

I pay most of the time. It is just a kind gesture for the other partner to pay some times.

 

To answer your OP, no I would not.

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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I wish I could find live bands and plays for £5!

 

I usually go to see bands on my own so I can get as close as I want to, dance and not feel like I have to 'look after' someone who doesn't know/like my kind of music.

My last ex was insistent upon coming with me to a band I had been dying to see for a third time - The Levellers.

 

He was a bit too possessive/protective/controlling etc and I didn't book in the end as it would have just been a nightmare night.

I ended it with him before the event but couldn't have gone anyway.

 

I would be cool with going to see bands and the theatre (not musicals..can't stand them!).

 

Dinner is OK but can get a little same-y.

 

Your thread titled implied he would eat the food but refuse to pay - is that what he does or does he just say he doesn't like eating out?

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Pennyyes Member

Pennyyes

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I wish I could find live bands and plays for £5!

 

I usually go to see bands on my own so I can get as close as I want to, dance and not feel like I have to 'look after' someone who doesn't know/like my kind of music.

My last ex was insistent upon coming with me to a band I had been dying to see for a third time - The Levellers.

 

He was a bit too possessive/protective/controlling etc and I didn't book in the end as it would have just been a nightmare night.

I ended it with him before the event but couldn't have gone anyway.

 

I would be cool with going to see bands and the theatre (not musicals..can't stand them!).

 

Dinner is OK but can get a little same-y.

 

Your thread titled implied he would eat the food but refuse to pay - is that what he does or does he just say he doesn't like eating out?

 

I like going to most places, but he will ask if I would like to go out to see cheap or free things. He says he doesn't like eating out but if I offer to pay he eats the food. I think his priority is the money so he has "lost" his taste buds...

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Cheap bum. Basically, this is one way of him just controlling things so he doesn't have to go do things you like and he doesn't. Always remember: In the beginning, they are on their BEST behavior. It only goes downhill from here, so.....

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Pennyyes Member

Pennyyes

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Cheap bum. Basically, this is one way of him just controlling things so he doesn't have to go do things you like and he doesn't. Always remember: In the beginning, they are on their BEST behavior. It only goes downhill from here, so.....

 

We met on the internet and talked for a year before meeting. It's kind of awkward as he's told me that he loves me.

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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I like going to most places, but he will ask if I would like to go out to see cheap or free things. He says he doesn't like eating out but if I offer to pay he eats the food. I think his priority is the money so he has "lost" his taste buds...

 

Perhaps his money situation is difficult?

 

Have you discussed it?

 

Cheap dates can be amazing using imagination!

 

I'm not broke..but I don't see a reason to spend a fortune. Nor do I see a reason for a guy to spend a fortune.

It's the company that matters.

 

Sounds like he might be ripe for a decent shirt and pair of jeans..but they don't need to cost the earth either. :)

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Pennyyes Member

Pennyyes

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Perhaps his money situation is difficult?

 

Have you discussed it?

 

Cheap dates can be amazing using imagination!

 

I'm not broke..but I don't see a reason to spend a fortune. Nor do I see a reason for a guy to spend a fortune.

It's the company that matters.

 

Sounds like he might be ripe for a decent shirt and pair of jeans..but they don't need to cost the earth either. :)

 

Yes, but funnily enough I have been the one spending all my time finding imaginative ones.... otherwise he just invites me to go for a walk in the park and then food shopping with him.

 

He dresses like this: http://i01.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/326/373/664/664373326_980.jpg

 

It's very early 2000s.

 

He doesn't want to work any time soon, so he is being very "cheap" as he puts it. It's places pressure on me to walk everywhere as he doesn't want to pay for transportation. I end up really tired and sore and find it hard to work on my projects because of this.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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So why are you continuing in the relationship, since you are clearly unhappy with him?

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Pennyyes Member

Pennyyes

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So why are you continuing in the relationship, since you are clearly unhappy with him?

 

I like his company but it gets 'samey'. I learn a lot of him and we have shared a lot online... talking for 1 year.

HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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"It's places pressure on me to walk everywhere as he doesn't want to pay for transportation. I end up really tired and sore"

 

This is ridiculous you're literally in pain dating this cheap skate!

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GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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Yes, but funnily enough I have been the one spending all my time finding imaginative ones.... otherwise he just invites me to go for a walk in the park and then food shopping with him.

 

He dresses like this: http://i01.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/326/373/664/664373326_980.jpg

 

It's very early 2000s.

 

He doesn't want to work any time soon, so he is being very "cheap" as he puts it. It's places pressure on me to walk everywhere as he doesn't want to pay for transportation. I end up really tired and sore and find it hard to work on my projects because of this.

 

I take it he makes no money from his Eng Lit tutoring then?

 

How old is he?

 

Every young guy I see these days seems to look like Rik Astley with hair going on..

I'm in my forties so do style now and not fashion hardly ever!

EG: I avoid M&S, Next and Primark like the plague! :laugh:

 

I walk everywhere...but I do use trains/tubes when I need to.. The next town to the one I live in is 8 miles away and I haven't ever walked it.

How far is he making you walk?

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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I like his company but it gets 'samey'. I learn a lot of him and we have shared a lot online... talking for 1 year.

 

Er...is this a recent move from online to meeting and actual relationship?

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Pennyyes Member

Pennyyes

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I take it he makes no money from his Eng Lit tutoring then?

 

How old is he?

 

Every young guy I see these days seems to look like Rik Astley with hair going on..

I'm in my forties so do style now and not fashion hardly ever!

EG: I avoid M&S, Next and Primark like the plague! :laugh:

 

I walk everywhere...but I do use trains/tubes when I need to.. The next town to the one I live in is 8 miles away and I haven't ever walked it.

How far is he making you walk?

 

He's in his early 30s... We live in London. We walked fro Peckham to Oxford St once with is over 5 miles!

 

(P.S. He teaches himself English Lit, not other people...)

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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He's in his early 30s... We live in London. We walked fro Peckham to Oxford St once with is over 5 miles!

 

(P.S. He teaches himself English Lit, not other people...)

 

Ah!

 

Walking up and down Oxford St is bad enough!

There's tubes...and buses..I would save my feet in that area unless I was sightseeing to be fair.

 

Does he have any ambition for ...anything?

 

I admit I am getting a closer picture.

I'm not sure I would invest...

 

There's easy going and there's tight and lazy...

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Pennyyes Member

Pennyyes

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Ah!

 

Walking up and down Oxford St is bad enough!

There's tubes...and buses..I would save my feet in that area unless I was sightseeing to be fair.

 

Does he have any ambition for ...anything?

 

I admit I am getting a closer picture.

I'm not sure I would invest...

 

There's easy going and there's tight and lazy...

 

He's very motivated to self-study, but doesn't know what to invest in (in terms of career/study). I offered to help him look up courses. He thanked me but refused my help.

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted (edited)
He's very motivated to self-study, but doesn't know what to invest in (in terms of career/study). I offered to help him look up courses. He thanked me but refused my help.

 

Intelligence wise and 'clicking' are good with you two aren't they?

 

But actual flat out basics of life and ... some of those are principles... don't seem to match.

 

The things important to me are:

Spark, fancying, general personality..you know that list.

The rest are 'just as' important.

 

Respect - mutual and for others.

Taking responsibility for things

Goals

Morals

Core values

 

Those last five are the ones that make relationships last just as much as liking someone.

 

Honestly, he sounds like hard work. 5 miles unrequired walking 'into' London is tough going on top of the walking you would have ended up doing while you were there..if you get me? I think your feet would understand..flat shoes or not!

 

EDITED TO ADD: He is 30 something and into Eng Lit. He should have some idea where to invest himself surely? Has he mentioned anything with actual prospects?

Edited by GemmaUK
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ascendotum Established Member

ascendotum

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I'm not going to slag off on the guy as he is doing what he wants to do and is living off his savings ...that's his business. I think its a case of lifestyle incompatibility. He is cheap because he is living off his savings, that's the way to do it to get by. He is being equitable, he pays for you on the things he likes and asks the same for the things you like, its just that the things you like cost a fair bit more money. I don't think he is being a scumbag by any means and I dont think your complaint is unreasonable either. He is going to have a harder time finding a woman who will be happy to keep going along with this where the more expensive/fun/enjoyable pastimes she has to pay for. Even with a woman working P/T or unemployed many are going to expect to be treated and have the expectation the guy spends more.

 

To keep this relationship going you have to either lower your lifestyle expectations to his level of thriftiness or do the things you love but with friends minus the bf where everyone pays there own way (you enjoy the nicer things in life and don't feel awkward paying for him all the time) or you break up and find someone who suits your life better. If you did breakup because you wanted someone who could afford the lifestyle you want to enjoy I would not blame you. There are plenty of relationships though with this situation is flipped where the low income woman is being treated all the time by the guy. His generosity is his gesture of love and treating his gf special, but I know much less woman will see it that way when its the reverse.

 

As for his dress style.yeah so circa early 2000s or late 90s, though its still okay (I'm a guy and I would not dress that way tho). Its different now and being/looking a little different is good imo, though I can understand why it would bug some people and why you would see it as being set in his ways. Not an unreasonable assumption and a good pointer to how he will be in life I'd say.

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carrie_o Established Member

carrie_o

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There is nothing wrong with trying to save money when living only off your savings. The lack of interest in find a job is a bit concerning but it doesn't have to be the death of a relationship. The problem is that his lifestyle is not for you. You would be much happier with someone who thinks of finances as you do, someone who thinks eating out and transportation are worth the cost. It sounds like you two are incompatible.

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amymarieca Established Member

amymarieca

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I had a theory a while back that it didn't matter how much money the guy made because I make a decent salary myself. I recently learned why I'm not a fan of this anymore.

 

I dated a guy who was a student doing his masters and was completely broke all the time. Now this isn't the reason why we broke up, but the money thing got to me. We could never go anywhere because he couldn't afford it. If I did want to go out I'd have to pay. He didn't have a car and I do, so guess who did all the driving? It got really annoying and boring after a while. I mean, how many Saturday nights can you spend watching tv at home? I live in a city where there is a lot of stuff to do as well.

 

I don't think you are being shallow by questioning this guy. Just think of the things you might want in the future. Do you plan to invest in property or anything else major? Would he be on the same page?

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Pennyyes Member

Pennyyes

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I can see where he is coming from. He is willing to pay if you want to go and do things he enjoys, but he expects you to pay if you want to both go and do the things that you enjoy. It sounds fair to me.

 

Does it matter if anyone here would date him? I think it only matters if you want to date him.

 

I think this perspective on things would work well if there wasn't inherent inequality between cost of either partner's activities.... I think he has "lost" his taste for things which cost money because holding onto it is important. There's isn't a flow... nothing coming in and nothing much coming out. It's a stagnant lifestyle choice that is affecting me negatively.

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SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

Posted
Posted
Would you invest in a relationship where yr partner refused to pay for meals outside... a guy who refused to go out to eat dinner or go to the cinema because he didn't want to pay for himself let alone treat you?

No.

 

It's just a mismatch, like Gemma UK said.

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