perduetseul Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 How are you doing this??? After this is over and done with, after I finish grieving, after the pain fades... when I finally become myself again... when I finally feel good and whole again... I will never ever put myself through this for as long as I live!!! I am 34... and I have had 3 partners in the last 20 years, and haven't had more that a few weeks/months between each of them. And all of them broke up with me, several times, and I begged to all of them not to leave me. I am finally, finally, finally, FINALLY realizing, I HAVE A PROBLEM. I attach myself to men who I swear are perfect for me and then love them to the point of breaking myself. All of them want to leave me over and over, all of them decent men who cave when I beg. Self-esteem issues you will say... yes, I have heard that a million times. I don't care anymore. I don't have any, a bucketload of therapists couldn't do anything for me (except really really hurt me, seriously, I freaking hate therapists by now), and I just have to accept the self-esteem train won't be coming to my station. I just want to get through the pain and learn to live alone for the rest of the years I get in this miserable thing called life. So how do you get through the day? I feel like I am breaking. The pain is terrible. I already do those thing you are supposed to be doing. I am in NC. I go to work and socialize and have my friends. Haven't stopped that! I work out intensely as I have done in the last few years, 2 to 3 hours a day. I have my hobbies and my family. I still would rather get hit my a bus. I can't go by 4 minutes without my mind saying a curse word in his direction. I see him in my mind with another woman having the time of his life. I feel hatred inside of me. I hate him. I hate him. I freaking hate him with all that I have!!! I want to cry and punch him and I would kill him if I could. I hate him! I can't stand this!!! How are you coping???
Shields boy Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 My advice would be to embrace the pain sweetheart. Time will heal the pain. You sound like you are doing the right things by keeping very busy. Maybe you have not allowed yourself to be single for long enough. You say that there has only been a few months between each relationship. It may be the case that you have never really adjusted and learnt to be alone in life. Stay single for a year or two and let the pain heal. It will heal when you find peace within yourself. Learn who is the true you within yourself. Stay busy and good luck. 1
theexfiance Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 How are you doing this??? After this is over and done with, after I finish grieving, after the pain fades... when I finally become myself again... when I finally feel good and whole again... I will never ever put myself through this for as long as I live!!! I am 34... and I have had 3 partners in the last 20 years, and haven't had more that a few weeks/months between each of them. And all of them broke up with me, several times, and I begged to all of them not to leave me. I am finally, finally, finally, FINALLY realizing, I HAVE A PROBLEM. I attach myself to men who I swear are perfect for me and then love them to the point of breaking myself. All of them want to leave me over and over, all of them decent men who cave when I beg. Self-esteem issues you will say... yes, I have heard that a million times. I don't care anymore. I don't have any, a bucketload of therapists couldn't do anything for me (except really really hurt me, seriously, I freaking hate therapists by now), and I just have to accept the self-esteem train won't be coming to my station. I just want to get through the pain and learn to live alone for the rest of the years I get in this miserable thing called life. So how do you get through the day? I feel like I am breaking. The pain is terrible. I already do those thing you are supposed to be doing. I am in NC. I go to work and socialize and have my friends. Haven't stopped that! I work out intensely as I have done in the last few years, 2 to 3 hours a day. I have my hobbies and my family. I still would rather get hit my a bus. I can't go by 4 minutes without my mind saying a curse word in his direction. I see him in my mind with another woman having the time of his life. I feel hatred inside of me. I hate him. I hate him. I freaking hate him with all that I have!!! I want to cry and punch him and I would kill him if I could. I hate him! I can't stand this!!! How are you coping??? I've got two pieces of advice: 1) Change your perspective. Negativity isn't helpful. If you see life as a miserable thing, then that's what it's going to be. It's okay to feel sad about loss and it's also okay to take your time when healing, but you also have to find the will to make things better. It doesn't just happen on its own. It's great that you are spending time with friends and working out, but that on its own doesn't solve the problem. You have to try to actively grow and develop your identity. You seem to have the same problem as my ex: you're 34 and you have absolutely no idea who you are because your identity is based on who you're with. That's no way to be. Date yourself for a while. Get to know who you are and let go of the pressure's of being in a relationship, because it's entirely possible to be single and still enjoy life. 2) I cope by actively improving myself. There's always something we can learn or better about ourselves. Don't make it about your exs and don't make it about getting into a relationship. For change to make you feel good, it truly has to be about you. Own that you're feeling the way that you are. Try not to question whether or not it's okay that you're angry or feeling whatever you're feeling at that moment in time. It's not good or bad, it simply is. Remember that and for goodness' sake, be kind to yourself. Just my perspective
irishsimon Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 This sounds like codependency and without addressing that, things will always be this way. Read and learn..and take 6 months at least on your own. Being content enough on your own will go a long way to helping you make better choices in men. I feel you have got into these relationship out of need rather than authentic thinking about what you really want from a man in your life. The goal is to be happy enough within yourself that you don't need a man to provide that for you. It's about learning to validate yourself and know your own worth rather than seek it outside yourself. It's takes years to achieve but if you don't take that first step I fear you will always feel how you do right now. 1
irishsimon Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 A couple of books to help.. The New Codependency by Melody Beattie and Reinventing your life by Jeffery E. Young.
scobro Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 perduetseul i feel your pain and the self esteem train missed my station as well.I put up with a real toxic relationship and blatant infidelity abuse.My self esteem is shot because I have been out of work for almost 2 years and that gave my ex Carte Blanche for treating me like a door matt and I put up with it because I feel worthless.Its impossible with no money or job to be in a relationship and it killed my self esteem.I am trying to be more positive and change my life around but it starts with thinking positive.Your life seems like a dream compared to mine, so just start thinking positive and if you are into reading there are some great books out there to help.
Jay77098 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I will recommend yet another book, one which I think is really good: Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem, by Marilyn J. Sorensen. The book has a number of exercises in it that help address the root causes of self-esteem problems.
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