Urban Rubble01 Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Alright, I'm having a pretty rough day and I thought I'd write a post to get some opinions on my situation. I'll try to keep it somewhat short, if you need to know any details just ask. This girl (Rochelle) and I have known each other since we were about 12 years old (we're both 22 now). Through school we ran with the same crowd and were pretty good friends. In high school we had a fairly obvious mutual crush, though she was a popular cheerleader and I was a dirty skater, nothing really came of it aside from a fairly strong friendship. At the end of her senior year (I had dropped out 2 years earlier) I showed up at the after party for her prom. Her date was a sleaze and she came to me for solace. That night we ended up sleeping together, 4 months later we were telling each other "I love you" and taking vacations together. We were together for 3.5 years after that night. We've always had an exceptional relationship. Being (basically) best friends for years before this helped, but we're just very compatible. Our parents are constantly saying how mature we are in dealing with each other, our friends marvel at how little we fight. I truly feel that we were more stable than the majority of couples our age. We've had a few major fights but we've never considered being apart from each other. People like to say "she was my best friend", but many of them are exagerrating. Not me, she truly was my best friend. As things progressed we went from jokingly talking about marriage to seriously discussing it. We both agreed that we aren't ready, we're too young and too unstable. However it was never doubted that we'd be married sometime in our mid 20's. Now, when I say this stuff I don't want it to be seen as the typical "Two young people in love day dreaming", we are rational people and these were more than casual conversations. We went as far as to seriously discuss whether or not we're going to adopt or conceive children, where we'll live, where we'll get married, serious ****. We're from the same town but for most of our relationship she has lived about an hour away, she goes to University in the city. We've managed to make this work just fine, we saw each nearly every weekend. At first there were some worries on my part about her wanting to live the college life, her wanting to meet other people, things like that, but she always reassured me that I was all she wanted. So we've made it work just fine. Back in September I could tell something was wrong. Nothing major, she wasn't being cold, we were still having great sex, but something was off. Eventually I told her to tell me what was going on. She started crying, she explained that she loves me and that she doesn't ever want to be without me, but at the same time she needs some space and some time to be alone. She said that we need to be apart for this schoolyear so she can focus on graduating and on work, we need "a break". Now, as I've said, I pride myself on being fairly objective. I know that the situation of a girl this age saying she needs space is fairly standard language for a total breakup. I've told her at least 10 times "If you have ever cared about me you have to tell me the truth, do not tell me it'll work out with the intent of softening the blow, if you want to make it easier just tell me the truth". She insists that she loves me, that she wants to live her life with me and that this is only a break. We've agreed that we should see each other every now and then. In the 5 months since we've broken up we've hung out 5 or 6 times. When we see each other everything is like normal. She is affectionate, we hold hands, we have (GREAT) sex, tell each other "I love you". We hung out on Valentine's Day and it was SO good. Again, totally affectionate. When we were talking about our plans for after school she uses terms like "Us" and "we", even going to the extent of asking where "we" should live and telling me that I've got to wait to leave until she graduates. That night we held each other, had sex for hours and generally just seemed like we were still in love. I'm not sure what I'm asking with this post. I have never had a reason not to trust her, and everything she tells me is optimistic. But at the same time I've got to be prepared to lose her, I know that. I guess I just want some opinions on how to conduct myself. I have the urge to talk to her about "us", to ask her if she sees this ending after the schoolyear. But I don't want pressure her, I don't want her to dread talking to me for fear of having to talk about "us". I've done my best to give her space, I haven't done NC but I don't call very often, I even went 4 weeks once without calling. She sounds happy to hear from me when I call but when I ask why she doesn't inititate calls she says it's because she doesn't want to send mixed signals. I know this post isn't making much sense and doesn't have much structure. I don't even really know what I'm asking. I guess I'm just looking for some general opinions. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should talk to her about all this or just continue to do what I'm doing and hope she comes back. I know without a doubt that she loves me (she'd have to be completely insane and evil to purposely mess with me this much) but I just don't know what to do. Again, sorry for how little sense this all makes. I'm unbelievably stressed and I can hardly type, much less convey what it is I'm actually trying to say. Any comments would be appreciated, and don't hesititate to ask me to clarify on any of this, there are a million details that I'm leacving out, my brain is just too much of a mess to sort them out.
CaGirl1980 Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Well I'm not sure how it would work, but have you talked to her about how you feel? I'd think that if she loved you she wouldn't mind having a serious conversation about what's going on. I'm sure she must understand that it's hard for you. I can understand that she needs to be alone for a while because it sounds like you guys started very early, and a lot of people get that feeling to just be on their own to figure out what they really want in life around your age. I'm only 24 and I got married last year, and before that we lived together for 3 and a half years so I totally understand about being serious at such a young age. I don't think I could have actually done it, but there were times when I felt like I was missing out on just being young because of the grown up life I live. I did think about doing the same sort of thing once or twice, but the truth is the minute I pictured what it would really be like, I missed my husband too much and knew I'd be miserable without him. But there are some things that I feel like I missed out on, and I'm sure he does too, like just being a normal college student and getting to live in the dorms and just be young. It's definitely a different lifestyle when you're really serious and I think that some people just wouldn't be able to be happy forever if they didn't get to at least experience the single life so that they could make an informed decision on what they really wanted. I'd think that if she really loves you she'll probably come back, and when she does she'll really be ready to live out all of the plans you guys have made together. But I do think that if you are really having a hard time with it, you should maybe give her a call and at least ask if you can talk about it. I don't think asking would hurt anything. Anyways, I hope you feel better soon and that everything works out! Good luck!
Author Urban Rubble01 Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 Thanks for the speedy reply. I did think about doing the same sort of thing once or twice, but the truth is the minute I pictured what it would really be like, I missed my husband too much and knew I'd be miserable without him And that's the same with me. I knew we needed this break because we were so young, but I was too scared of losing her and the thought of taking a break just killed me. Do I take it as an indicator of how she feels that she was able to go through with it ? I'd think that if she really loves you she'll probably come back, and when she does she'll really be ready to live out all of the plans you guys have made together You know, she has actually said the same thing to me. One day I was feeling down and we were talking, she told me "Try not to worry and feel sad, just think how good it will be when we're back together and neither of us have any worries or doubts!". But still, I can't help but worry that things may not work out. Thanks for the reply, it's nice to hear that a married couple had these same kinds of doubts.
CaGirl1980 Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Do I take it as an indicator of how she feels that she was able to go through with it ? I don't think so. I think that people are just different and have different ways of working through their own problems. I know that for my parents they had a similar situation and they did break up for a short time, but now they have been happily married for 25 years. They also got married at a very young age. I also think that being worried is perfectly normal. I'm not sure how I would handle it, but I know that I would be worried too. But with that being said, I would really try not to worry too much. It sounds like it will work out in the end, I can't imagine her treating you like that over valentine's day the whole time knowing that she wasn't going to go through with what she has been telling you all along. It would take a really mean and evil person to do that, and if that were the case then you'd be better off without her. I know that if it were me I would pick up the phone and give her a call, but I'm also obsessive like that, so I'm not sure if that's the best advice or not. But it sounds to me like it will all work out in the end.
Author Urban Rubble01 Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. Does anyone else have any opinions ? I'm going crazy here.
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