rus121 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I just registered for this website specifically to get some advice on this. I do apologize, it's long. Just some quick backstory, I went through a very painful breakup 5 months ago in February. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 5 years and lived together for 4. I'm still having some trouble getting over him. But, I am very motivated to meet someone new, so I have been dating a bit since the breakup. A few months ago, I think it was the first week in April, I met a guy from match.com. We chatted online a few times and had some nice conversations, so we went out on a casual lunch date. I thought we hit it off. We had a really good conversation, seemed to have a lot in common, and I was into him. And, it was the first date I had gone on where I wasn't just thinking about/missing my ex, which was a huge thing for me after a few previous dates I had gone on where I just felt awful afterwards. The next day, I texted him and said that I had a really nice time, and he responded "thanks so did I." We continued to text through the next couple weeks, and he was saying things like "I just want to make sure I get the timing right. I want to strike the balance between jumping the gun, and striking while the iron is hot." Also, he was always the one to initiate the texts. If I texted him, he would take a day or 2 to respond, or not respond at all. After not hearing from him for a week or so, I kind of figured he wasn't really interested and gave up. Then about 2 weeks later he texted me asking how my move went (I had told him I was moving), and we had a pretty nice little chat, but he didn't ask about seeing me again. I said something like "I don't understand you. Sometimes you act like you're interested, then you act like you're not interested at all, and you say confusing things about timing. I just want to know what the deal is." He wrote back "I'm sorry to confuse you. Good luck in your search." I didn't respond after that. THEN the next day, he texts me saying "I just want to have fun." I replied "I want to have fun too. But what I'm really looking for is a serious relationship." And he said "That's what I want too. And the biggest thing for me that makes a serious relationship work is that we both understand personal space. Like I want to know that even if I'm in a relationship, that I can still go out with my friends on weekends, or even go away for the whole weekend, or even take a trip to Utah [we live in NY] without it being a problem with my girlfriend." I didn't respond to that at all. Fast forward to the end of May (like 1.5 months later), out of the blue I get a text from him saying "I know we haven't spoken in a while. I'd be willing to give this another shot if you would." He told me a few restaurants that he had heard of that he wanted to take me to. I said yes, I'd be willing to give it a shot. But he didn't ask me out on any specific date, it was all just "maybe sometime" type of thing. Later that night, I started getting texts that were very obviously drunk texts. He was making absolutely no sense, the spelling was all messed up, etc. The next morning he apologized and said he accidentally had Siri on while he was talking to his friends. (Right). A month later, end of June, I get more middle of the night drunk texts from him. He said "something about Saturday nights makes me think of you." Then the next day he texted me from work and was telling me about his job and other casual things. I asked if he ever thinks about me when he's not drunk and it's the middle of the night, and he said "yes, I'm just more nervous to text you then." Again he asked if I'd go out with him sometime, but we didn't make any specific plans. He said he would be away for 4th of July weekend, then the weekend after that I was busy the whole weekend, which brings us to this weekend that's coming up. Last Saturday, got another text from him. He was on the train on the way home from a wedding. Probably had had some drinks. He texted me asking what I was wearing. I immediately rolled my eyes and figured ok, he's not interested in me for anything but sex. But I decided to play along and said "I don't know whether I should lie to sound sexier, or be honest and say an old t shirt and pajama pants." His response surprised me. He said "you should be you and say what you want, but make it sound sexy regardless. I mean what I envision anyway is that one day we are always together to the point that we wear whatever we want and even help dress each other. I'm jumping ahead here but basically no pressure on clothes." I responded "Really? I could envision that with you too. I mean we only met once, and I couldn't tell if you actually liked me. It's been hard for me to figure out if you're really interested or not." He said "Why else would I be bugging you all the time?" Then he asked if I was free on Tuesday and I said that I was. He said we'll touch base sometime before and figure out what we wanted to do. I said to myself, if I don't hear from him about Tuesday, then that's it. He's not really interested, I'm wasting my time, and I'm done. Tuesday goes by without a word from him. Today, Friday, I get a text from him at 9am asking what my plans are for the weekend. I need advice. Does it sound like he's actually interested? Does he just want to hook up but nothing more? Am I right that there are a million red flags here? The one thing I thought of is that maybe he just went through a big breakup too and wasn't really ready to date, then met me and thought he could see a future with me but wanted to get the timing right for himself in terms of getting over his ex. Maybe that's why he always says weird things about timing. I just don't know. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Thanks in advance.
PegNosePete Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Delete, block. If he was interested he would have asked you out within a couple of days of the first date. He seems to be acting extremely strangely. I've never heard of any relationships that began with all this complication!
Author rus121 Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really needed to hear that.
Zahara Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 His response surprised me. He said "you should be you and say what you want, but make it sound sexy regardless. I mean what I envision anyway is that one day we are always together to the point that we wear whatever we want and even help dress each other. I'm jumping ahead here but basically no pressure on clothes." . The guy can't plan a date with you but he surely can fantasize about what the future may hold! Dress each other? Empty talk. Delete and block this clown. Four months, one date and whole lot of drunk texting and fantasy talk. He's emotionally stunted and unavailable. Go out and find MEN that want to actually date you.
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 If you make it really easy for him he's willing to have sex with you but he has no interest in building a relationship.
Diezel Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 No, no, no, no, NO. All this crap? Why haven't you blocked him by now?
Author rus121 Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 The only thing keeping me holding on was that he was the only guy I went out with since my breakup that I felt a connection with and that I didn't only compare to my ex. That's why I was excited about him in the first place. Otherwise I probably would have just stopped talking to him. Thank you so much for all of your responses. I knew the answer in my mind, but needed validation. I will not be texting him back!
Zahara Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) The only thing keeping me holding on was that he was the only guy I went out with since my breakup that I felt a connection with and that I didn't only compare to my ex. That's why I was excited about him in the first place. Otherwise I probably would have just stopped talking to him. Thank you so much for all of your responses. I knew the answer in my mind, but needed validation. I will not be texting him back! You ended with your ex in Feb. You met the guy in Apr. Online dating takes effort, time and patience. Don't just settle for the one that YOU feel a connection with when all the other aspects of forming a relationship are non-existent. You had a "connection" over one date. That means absolutely nothing other than initial surface level attraction. Granted you were excited about him in the beginning but four months later and still waiting for something to happen? In the future, don't expend all that time, thought and energy on one guy especially when you start seeing red flags soon into your dealings with him. Edited July 18, 2014 by Zahara
Author rus121 Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Yeah. Completely agree! It wasn't so much that I was holding out for him, I did go out with other guys after him, it was just that every time I saw a text pop up from him out of the blue I would think "see he really is interested, maybe I should give him one more chance." Then the warning signs would creep back into my mind.
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