Keenly Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Oh please. Every post you ever write is all about how men are victims. Enough. I'm not trying to "change" anyone. There's nothing wrong with wanting my boyfriend to stop wearing rags. Rags don't look good on anyone. And "you should accept him as he is (rags and all)" isn't a very realistic viewpoint. I have a great body, I'm tall, super fit, I've got a flat stomach, big boobs and nice ass, but if I start wearing burlap sacks, that isn't going to make me look attractive. He doesn't have to change his style. I just don't want him wearing clothes with holes in them. Especially since he already has many nice things without holes! Why not just wear those instead? He is a very attractive man, but dressing like a bum does nothing for him. He looks good when he wears his nice things, its not like I want him to go out and buy an expensive suit (though man, first time I saw him in a suit...couldn't tear my eyes off him ). I just want him to look well-kept and not sloppy. My posts have nothing to do with genders, I point out irrational or unfair behavior. If most of it comes from women on these boards, then that's just the way it is. It has nothing to do with me seeing him as a victim, it has to do with people always trying to change their partners. You already want to try and " make him better " and male him conform to how you want him to be. Its an awful precedent and a terrible thing to do in a relationship. If you don't like them, don't date them, because it starts off with you wanting to change something about some one, and they do. then a few months later you see another thing you want to change, and then another, and then another. Just let him be himself. If he wants to dress nice, he will follow up on a suggestion. Of he doesn't, he won't, and he doesn't have to. Thiis completely gender neutral so you see it how you want to see it.
somedude81 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 No no definitely nothing wrong with the relationship.I think 2 times is reasonable- one of those is our baking Mondays dates, and the other one is the sleepover that I have every weekend at his house, where we go out and do fun stuff the next day, like hiking. Ok technically that's seeing him 3 times a week, I can't count apparently! I wasn't a social person to begin with. I don't spend much time with family, I see my gym buddy once a week and my two best friends once a week to once a month. I don't really socialize with my coworkers much. So, seeing someone 4 - 5 times a week is a lot for me. On top of all of that, I work full time, work out at the gym, volunteer, deliver newspapers and hang out with my mom once a week. So that leaves very little 'me' time where I can do my hobbies. I enjoy spending time with him but I'm beginning to miss doing my hobbies. Sounds like you should be telling him this, not us. I will be seeing him tonight so we can discuss this. I want to be up front about it because if I suddenly start making excuses and cancelling dates, he'll think something's up and will start to worry. Good luck. And no, absolutely do not make excuses and start canceling dates. Be honest from the start. 1
Els Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 No no definitely nothing wrong with the relationship.I think 2 times is reasonable- one of those is our baking Mondays dates, and the other one is the sleepover that I have every weekend at his house, where we go out and do fun stuff the next day, like hiking. Ok technically that's seeing him 3 times a week, I can't count apparently! I wasn't a social person to begin with. I don't spend much time with family, I see my gym buddy once a week and my two best friends once a week to once a month. I don't really socialize with my coworkers much. So, seeing someone 4 - 5 times a week is a lot for me. On top of all of that, I work full time, work out at the gym, volunteer, deliver newspapers and hang out with my mom once a week. So that leaves very little 'me' time where I can do my hobbies. I enjoy spending time with him but I'm beginning to miss doing my hobbies. Oh, yes, it's definitely reasonable to want more time for yourself, I agree. My question was mostly because you were perfectly fine with the very frequent dates for the entirety of the last month, so I was questioning why the sudden change. If you're sure it's no biggie, then that's all good, just thought I should ask. I will be seeing him tonight so we can discuss this. I want to be up front about it because if I suddenly start making excuses and cancelling dates, he'll think something's up and will start to worry. Sounds like a good idea. Make sure you emphasize that you enjoy spending time with him, you just need time for your hobbies and work and friends, too. 1
Els Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 My posts have nothing to do with genders, I point out irrational or unfair behavior. If most of it comes from women on these boards, then that's just the way it is. :lmao: It's pretty funny when the pot tries to call the freakin' tree black. 3
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Oh, yes, it's definitely reasonable to want more time for yourself, I agree. My question was mostly because you were perfectly fine with the very frequent dates for the entirety of the last month, so I was questioning why the sudden change. If you're sure it's no biggie, then that's all good, just thought I should ask. Sounds like a good idea. Make sure you emphasize that you enjoy spending time with him, you just need time for your hobbies and work and friends, too. Oh it wasn't really a sudden change, I've been feeling this way for the past week, but it started more as a thought and now I'm feeling like I could really use some 'me' time. Its most definitely not because I'm not enjoying his company- he's a great guy and I'm glad I'm his gf! 1
mortensorchid Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 4-5 dates per week? Wow, that IS a lot with just one person. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that you back off for a bit so that you have time to do other things (whatever they may be). I do wonder by this if HE has a lot of friends and interests, because that could be a bad sign. I have been with men who do not / did not have social lives before they met me, and I am a butterfly who knows a lot of people and goes everywhere when prompted. Unfortunately what happens with a person like that is that they go along in the beginning, then start finding fault with your friends and interests, then they start finding faults with you. They tend to rip up the social lives of those around them because they have nothing to loose by doing so, then then go back to their anti-social ways because it's safe and secure to do so rather than take a risk. But that's a separate story in case you have never had such a problem. As for his dressing like a slob ... There's not much you can do about that. Quite honestly, if he is going to look like a slob that means that he does not care much about himself. Clothes make the man. If he is going to show up looking like he just rolled out of bed or he just came from the gym, he doesn't care much about making a good impression on others. Once I showed up for an internet date and the guy literally looked like he had just rolled out of bed, and he was also late. Needless to say, I did not care to see him again after that. Ask him to take more care with himself, just because. Maybe you should reevaluate some things.
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 So! I talked to my boyfriend today! Its all good. I asked if it would be ok that we cut back a little on the number of dates per week because I spent time on my hobbies before and I feel like I don't really get much time to do them anymore. And he said, that is perfectly fine, I understand, don't worry about it! I reassured him that it wasn't because I wan't enjoying his company. And he said, don't worry, I understand you had a life before we started dating and you miss your hobbies, don't worry, its all good. And then he gave me a kiss. Seriously I have the best boyfriend ever. Nuff said. I did bring up the clothes- he mentioned that he realised his shirt from last time was getting too holey and he isn't planning on wearing it anymore. He wore a really sexy plaid shirt today and nice jeans. Still sticks to those terrible sneakers that I don't like, but I casually mentioned some footwear I like (funny enough, he likes that style too, that's the style he used to wear but his last shoes fell apart before these sneakers, which funnily enough he isn't a huge fan of). He's planning on going shoe shopping when he comes back from his studying abroad (he's leaving mid-Aug) and he said he'll get the shoes we both like. Honestly its so easy talking to him and asking things. No drama, no anger. He's takes into account what I say and I love it! I feel like I really matter to him. What a wonderful man, I'm such a lucky girl! 2
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