CrystalCastles Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Hi all, I've been seeing a guy for the past month, we're official, had the talk. We go on dates 4 - 5 times per week. At first, this was all well and good but now I'm beginning to feel smothered with the constant texting every day plus talking on facebook every day plus dates 4 - 5 times per week, every week. I'm not a very social person to begin with, I don't have many friends and I don't spend time with them often. Most of my hobbies involve just me doing things- reading books, reading articles on the internet, drawing, making jewelry, studying, crocheting, etc. I never have time for these things anymore and while I enjoy spending time with my bf, I want to have time to do these things too. How can I ask him to scale back our dates to 2 times per week without offending him or making it look like I'm not interested in him anymore? Also, he's a very sloppy dresser and its beginning to bother me. Two days ago we went to a higher-end pub to have dinner with his friends and play trivia. I'm not an overly prissy person, I usually dress pretty casually, but given the occasion, I put on a nice top and jeans, and my fancy pair of flats. Everyone there was also nicely dressed. My bf put on a shirt with a ton of holes in it, baggy jeans and shoes which are on the verge of falling apart. I've seen him dressed in more formal clothes and he looks amazing in them! Is it my place to encourage him to dress better? How can I bring this up without offending him? Because he can look so much sexier when he doesn't dress like a bum! I've tried encouraging him by saying "babe I love this shirt you're wearing!" when he wears something I like, he just says "thanks" and doesn't get the hint. Arg.
somedude81 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Talk to him. 4-5 dates a week is a lot. Tell him that you need time to yourself to recharge. You can also tell him that you want him to dress better, though depending on his personality he may or may not get offended. Personally I'd have no problem at all if my GF wanted me to dress better. Heck, one of the first things I did when my ex and I became official is that I had her look through my wardrobe and give me style hints. We've also went shopping a few times where I got her opinion on new clothes. 2
rocketman122 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 4-5 times a week.holy crap. there's no time to miss the other person. its know that when things get more serious in the relationship the woman always dresses the man. some men have a sense of style. no woman has dressed me though. btw, fashion and style are two different things. 1
jay1983 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I was about to make a thread on how to dress. This is extreme though, mine was gonna be dress shirts and shoes vs t-shirt, jeans and a ball caps. Don't tell him you need space, just say "hey babe, tonight I'm little tired. I just wanna stay home in my pj's" do that whenever you feel like you need to. When you make plans to go somewhere, say "can you wear that shirt I like". Start with that and if it doesn't work, then flatout tell him. 1
Els Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Re: the dates, you could tell him that you don't have enough time for your studies and hobbies anymore, and you'd like to have a bit more time for them. If he's understanding he should be okay with scaling back. But more than halving the amount of time you spend together sounds a bit drastic though, especially when you've been official for just over a month and were perfectly fine with this frequency before. Is it REALLY just the lack of time for hobbies that is bothering you, Crystal, and not the relationship in general? Re: the shirt with holes... are you dating my ex by any chance??? I'd just pick up another shirt and hand it to him saying, "Your current shirt has holes in it."
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 You can't change somebody but you can change their wardrobe. When I met him DH had 1 good suit, a few pairs of khakis & some bad polyester shirts. He always looked crisp & put together but the quality wasn't there. Gradually I introduced him to fabrics that occur in nature. I have since created a monster but boy does he look good when he goes out. Just say no to a date occasionally but tell him what you are doing -- studying, doing your bobby etc. so he doesn't think you are playing games.
Diezel Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 4-5 times a week? Holy hell. Reign that back immediately. Guys are a LOT easier to mold when it comes to wardrobe. Just make one of your 4-5 dates next week be a trip to the mall and SHOW him what he would look good in. This happened to me years ago. The woman at the type talked up how sexy and hot and attractive I'd look in certain styles. It worked. 3
PegNosePete Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Just tell him when he wears ripped jeans and t-shirts with holes, it doesn't make you sexually excited. Whereas when he dresses nicely, it does. Job done 1
Keenly Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 One month ansnyou are already going to try and change him. What's next? Take people as they come, or not at all. 4
JungleLover Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Hey, women like to dress us. I understand that and I think most men are not offended by this or at least I never hear any complaints. One of my ex used to flat out say "if you were that shirt, I'm going to hurt you." After one month of dating, you may not be at that point but you can gradually prod him to that point. Buy him a nice shirt and complement on him when he wears it and tell him what pants in his wardrobe may look nice in them and so on. He will get the picture after a while. The guy just can't be a grown man walking around with holes in his T shirt. Somebody has to save him in this department, it might as well be his GF. As far feeling smothered. You should. You two are spending way too much time together for a nonmarried, new couple. I would tell him just like you just told us except soften up some of the wording. You don't want to suck out the romance. Emphasize that you don't have time to enjoy the hobbies you love so much and that you really like him. Focus on this first before working on the dressing issue. 3
Els Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 The guy just can't be a grown man walking around with holes in his T shirt. Somebody has to save him in this department, it might as well be his GF. Yeah, seriously. If she was talking about his clothes being out of fashion, or him wearing sneakers instead of leather shoes, or a not-so-flattering shirt, I might go with the 'try to accept him as he is' angle. But wearing an old t-shirt with holes in it to a bistro... yeah, I think it's perfectly acceptable to bring him shopping.
Teddius Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 One month ansnyou are already going to try and change him. What's next? Personal evolution is the result of change. Interesting, though, how you seem to associate change with negativity. Take people as they come, or not at all. P Accepting someone does not mean one should be accepting of all of their ways and habits. Respect is all that is needed.
deathandtaxes Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I don't think I've ever wanted to be around somebody so early on in a relationship that much. Four to five times a week is A LOT!! I guarantee that's a lot more time together doing things than most happily married couples. Who initiates all this time together? Does your bf not have a life? That would worry me, that he would be trying to use you to fill a gap in his life. If you think it's too much, be ASSERTIVE and tell him so.
hasaquestion Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Hey, women like to dress us. I understand that and I think most men are not offended by this or at least I never hear any complaints. One of my ex used to flat out say "if you were that shirt, I'm going to hurt you." After one month of dating, you may not be at that point but you can gradually prod him to that point. Buy him a nice shirt and complement on him when he wears it and tell him what pants in his wardrobe may look nice in them and so on. He will get the picture after a while. The guy just can't be a grown man walking around with holes in his T shirt. Somebody has to save him in this department, it might as well be his GF. As far feeling smothered. You should. You two are spending way too much time together for a nonmarried, new couple. I would tell him just like you just told us except soften up some of the wording. You don't want to suck out the romance. Emphasize that you don't have time to enjoy the hobbies you love so much and that you really like him. Focus on this first before working on the dressing issue. Good post. Chances are, OP isn't the last girl this guy will every date (not jinxing you OP). So if anything, she's doing him a favor by teaching him how to dress himself - it'll come in handy if she's gone.
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Re: the dates, you could tell him that you don't have enough time for your studies and hobbies anymore, and you'd like to have a bit more time for them. If he's understanding he should be okay with scaling back. But more than halving the amount of time you spend together sounds a bit drastic though, especially when you've been official for just over a month and were perfectly fine with this frequency before. Is it REALLY just the lack of time for hobbies that is bothering you, Crystal, and not the relationship in general? Re: the shirt with holes... are you dating my ex by any chance??? I'd just pick up another shirt and hand it to him saying, "Your current shirt has holes in it." No no definitely nothing wrong with the relationship.I think 2 times is reasonable- one of those is our baking Mondays dates, and the other one is the sleepover that I have every weekend at his house, where we go out and do fun stuff the next day, like hiking. Ok technically that's seeing him 3 times a week, I can't count apparently! I wasn't a social person to begin with. I don't spend much time with family, I see my gym buddy once a week and my two best friends once a week to once a month. I don't really socialize with my coworkers much. So, seeing someone 4 - 5 times a week is a lot for me. On top of all of that, I work full time, work out at the gym, volunteer, deliver newspapers and hang out with my mom once a week. So that leaves very little 'me' time where I can do my hobbies. I enjoy spending time with him but I'm beginning to miss doing my hobbies. I will be seeing him tonight so we can discuss this. I want to be up front about it because if I suddenly start making excuses and cancelling dates, he'll think something's up and will start to worry.
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 That's a lot of dates. I'd be suffocating to near death . Maybe broach that with him - he might even feel relieved, he probably thinks he has to do that! As for the dressing, maybe say something positive about him when he is wearing something formal - "I love how you look in a shirt/suit" etc, some variation of that. That would encourage him. A girl I dated very briefly said something similar to me, ever since then I make sure I wear my shirts more often . 1
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 One month ansnyou are already going to try and change him. What's next? Take people as they come, or not at all. Oh please. Every post you ever write is all about how men are victims. Enough. I'm not trying to "change" anyone. There's nothing wrong with wanting my boyfriend to stop wearing rags. Rags don't look good on anyone. And "you should accept him as he is (rags and all)" isn't a very realistic viewpoint. I have a great body, I'm tall, super fit, I've got a flat stomach, big boobs and nice ass, but if I start wearing burlap sacks, that isn't going to make me look attractive. He doesn't have to change his style. I just don't want him wearing clothes with holes in them. Especially since he already has many nice things without holes! Why not just wear those instead? He is a very attractive man, but dressing like a bum does nothing for him. He looks good when he wears his nice things, its not like I want him to go out and buy an expensive suit (though man, first time I saw him in a suit...couldn't tear my eyes off him ). I just want him to look well-kept and not sloppy. 2
GemmaUK Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 That is a lot of dates per week. I was going to suggest 3 per week...but I see that is what you do actually have in mind. After all you don't want to become someone with no hobbies or interests and you need a chance to miss each other or you'll both burn out pretty quick. Pretty much every man I have dated has asked me to take them shopping and a few I never dated asked me the same too! A t-shirt with holes in though? To a bistro? All in would take is a t-shirt without holes. I'd find a lighthearted way of saying something but it would depend on the guy as to what I said. 1
Eivuwan Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 OP, if it bothers you that much, just tell him. However, don't expect that he will change or like what you said. Open communication is important in relationships. 1
Biscous Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Too much time together. Also, give him some fashion sites.
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 OP, if it bothers you that much, just tell him. However, don't expect that he will change or like what you said. Open communication is important in relationships. I agree. He's a pretty open-minded guy though. We had a money problem earlier, we had a talk about it and he listened to me, agreed with the solution I proposed and since then we've not had any problems about it. And I think money is a more touchy subject than clothes, so if he was willing to change that part, I think he'll be willing to change this too. This is also more of a "would you consider doing ___, rather than ___" as opposed to "do this or else". Its not something that would harm him. I don't think he'll have any problem with it if I bring it up respectfully and sensitively.
deathandtaxes Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 As for the clothes, pick up a copy of Esquire, GQ, Details and the like. Those mags are chock full of current men's fashion. THEN you can go shopping.
pteromom Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Also, he's a very sloppy dresser and its beginning to bother me. Two days ago we went to a higher-end pub to have dinner with his friends and play trivia. I'm not an overly prissy person, I usually dress pretty casually, but given the occasion, I put on a nice top and jeans, and my fancy pair of flats. Everyone there was also nicely dressed. My bf put on a shirt with a ton of holes in it, baggy jeans and shoes which are on the verge of falling apart. I've seen him dressed in more formal clothes and he looks amazing in them! Is it my place to encourage him to dress better? How can I bring this up without offending him? Because he can look so much sexier when he doesn't dress like a bum! I've tried encouraging him by saying "babe I love this shirt you're wearing!" when he wears something I like, he just says "thanks" and doesn't get the hint. Arg.[/QUOte] I guess you haven't graduated Wife School yet, so here's a lesson for the future. When your boyfriend/husband wears shirts with holes in them or stains on them, there is a process to getting rid of them. 1. Buy him some new shirts. They should be similar in comfort to the ones he likes. Give him a few weeks to get them into his shirt rotation. 2. Find the worst shirt he wears. Throw it away in a place he won't find it. 3. When he asks you "Have you seen my gray shirt?", casually say "No I haven't. Did you look in the laundry?" He'll eventually give up. 4. A few weeks later, take the next worst shirt and rip the hole more, so that the shirt is unwearable. Then say "Oh no, honey! Look what happened to your shirt in the wash!" 5. If the shirts are band shirts or memorabilia that he doesn't want to part with, cut them up and frame the artwork on them. "I know you love this shirt. Since it was getting all holey, I thought this was a cute way to preserve it." 6
Author CrystalCastles Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 I guess you haven't graduated Wife School yet, so here's a lesson for the future. When your boyfriend/husband wears shirts with holes in them or stains on them, there is a process to getting rid of them. 1. Buy him some new shirts. They should be similar in comfort to the ones he likes. Give him a few weeks to get them into his shirt rotation. 2. Find the worst shirt he wears. Throw it away in a place he won't find it. 3. When he asks you "Have you seen my gray shirt?", casually say "No I haven't. Did you look in the laundry?" He'll eventually give up. 4. A few weeks later, take the next worst shirt and rip the hole more, so that the shirt is unwearable. Then say "Oh no, honey! Look what happened to your shirt in the wash!" 5. If the shirts are band shirts or memorabilia that he doesn't want to part with, cut them up and frame the artwork on them. "I know you love this shirt. Since it was getting all holey, I thought this was a cute way to preserve it." :lmao::lmao: Thanks a lot. I read this at my work and burst out laughing in the office and everyone looked at me! Oops. 2
Recommended Posts