I think we can define this together...

[CalvinM]

I agree, more surprises.

 

I replied to her email this morning with this:

"At 33 (in a week), these are the things I'm looking for in a relationship.

 

1. Loyalty (trustworthy and committed to nurturing our relationship), good communication, openness and honesty, friendship

 

2. Great company, going to concerts (Mogwai/Tycho), Rangers, fun adventures exploring and travel (Montréal/Québéc City, etc)

 

3. Someone willing to take a leap of faith (knowing there's no such thing as the perfect partner and noticing/appreciating when effort is made), balance (loving me as much as I love them), French speaking (ideally, so that any potential children are bilingual)

 

4. Healthy amount of affection (hand holding, kissing in public), really good sex life (Sunday), intimacy

 

5. Living together in the same city in a shared space (whether it's Mtl or Ottawa, I'm open to both), the potential for kids

 

For me, I can realistically see you and I doing all of these. Most of them we already do."

[justwhoiam]

She wants to be with you provided you can pay for a mortgage? Amusing.

But then wants to have sex with you with no condom? Odd.

 

Watch out.

[TMichaels]

She wants to be with you provided you can pay for a mortgage? Amusing.

But then wants to have sex with you with no condom? Odd.

 

Watch out.

 

Yep. Totally agree.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CalvinM]

That wasn't exactly the impression I came away with, but I see your point.

 

She makes more than I do, so I think her point was that she wants to know for sure that I can provide for the relationship.

 

We've already discussed rent/mortgage/condo payments. I currently pay a little more on rent than she does on monthly condo fees.

 

She just wants to know I'm fiscally responsible before entering into a situation where I'd be responsible for paying my share.

Edited August 7, 2014 by CalvinM
Grammar

[CalvinM]

She flip flopped again when discussing me seeing her before she left for Europe and the possibility of us re-evaluating our relationship before she goes.

 

Despite talking to my boss last night about getting weekends off (which has been approved for end of August) and enrolling in French lessons.

 

She said “I agree that we cannot be friends. I also agree that you are trying to mitigate some of our issues. But I have not changed my mind at the moment. I do not feel like we should be in a bf/gf relationship, and spending one good Sunday with you didn't "convince" me otherwise, and I didn't expect it to. I don't change my mind every other day, I don't change my mind that easily, that would be disrespectful to you and to me.”

 

I replied with "“I think one day you'll realize that the pool of really great guys who will love you and be completely loyal is shrinking. You deserve to be happy, of course, but I think your ideal mate is better suited to a fairytale story than anything based in reality. Wednesday night when you were here for Rangers you said you had realized that I made you happy and that I would treat you well. You are who I see myself with and who I want to build my life around, but anything short of a potential for those sort of feelings from you is selling myself and my needs short. Take care. x”

 

NC begins now.

[TAV]

Good decision I think. Jeez, how flaky can she be. Is she just caught up in the drama of it all? I'm sorry, Calvin, you definitely deserved better. Hope you will meet a great girl one day who loves you back.

[CalvinM]

I woke up today to this:

"Hi, welcome to your holidays.

Is Dalí in holidays as well? Héhé

I slept in this morning, really needed that. I have to work a bit today, maybe I'll do that on the balcony.

That's my day in a nutshell."

 

As well as a request to come spend Tues night, Wednesday and Thursday morning with her in Mtl.

[TAV]

Did you reply?

[CalvinM]

Not immediately.

 

An hour later I said this

"I care about you very much and don't want to miss out on the possibilities of what a few days could bring us. But a "you hurt me before I hurt you" type of relationship is unhealthy and not beneficial to either of us. I love you, but you're assuming if we had those opportunities, I'd let you down without giving me the opportunity to prove I wouldn't and that's what I find most sad and unfair. That I can't afford a car seat (her sister is expecting, so I guess she's been thinking about kids a lot lately), or to pay the mortgage, or for a cabin (she had mentioned the possibility of inviting me up north in September, but wondered if I'd get along with her friends), or remember to pick up hypothetical kids? Any idea how hurtful that is? You mention us living together only to tell me how bad of a provider I would be. It really makes me wonder what I'm fighting for here. I see there there are solutions, but if you're only looking for problems, this doesn't have a chance, regardless of who lives where."

 

She replied this morning with this:

"I am sorry about what I said last night. It was unnecessary and unfair, and I sincerely apologize."

 

I haven't responded.

[TAV]

I hoped you didn't.

 

Please don't let her suck you back in. She apologizes but also does not say that she indeed wants all the things you want.

[CalvinM]

She called this morning. I didn't answer immediately.

 

She told me that she said her and her friends were going to a cabin in Oct and she had thought about inviting me, that when they asked if she was bringing anyone, she immediately thought of me. That she wants to see me next week to work through this in person and to try to find a compromise. She was worried however that I might be bored, or that I might not get along with them.

 

I told her that I thought it was causing unnecessary stress to think so far ahead into the future and that no wonder she was all over the place. That it would be better to live in the moment and take things a day at a time.

[beach]

She changes her mind tooooo much! It is toying with your emotions. That's hurtful!!!

 

And do NOT have unprotected sex with her again! She's probably seeing other men.

 

When a gal REALLY cares about you - it doesn't look like this!

[CalvinM]

She's not seeing other men. That's not her style, trust me.

 

She's just wrapped up in looking too far forward, she can't see the present.

[beach]

She's not seeing other men. That's not her style, trust me.

 

She's just wrapped up in looking too far forward, she can't see the present.

 

Ok then, whatever you say.

 

What happens when she ends up pregnant due to her inability to decide yet is impulsive enough to not protect against pregnancy?

 

Why would YOU risk that?

[CalvinM]

Update three.

 

I spent Tuesday afternoon to Thursday morning back in Montréal. Again, I hadn't intended to, but the way it worked out was she contacted me and said she had scheduled to work from home Wednesday (my birthday), so Tuesday morning I bought a ticket and met her downtown.

 

My parents sent me a bit of money, so I went shopping on Rue St Catherine (major touristy shopping area). We met outside the Bay and she hugged me and gave me a big kiss, which was totally unexpected, but nice nonetheless.

 

We caught the metro back to her place and again, the entire subway ride she was reaching for my hand, rubbing my back and giving me kisses, being as affectionate as she had been while we were dating.

 

The plan when we got to her place was to grab veggies and some fish to bbq, then do a nice fancy dinner Wednesday for my bday, so we bought some produce, then walked home. Again, her reaching for my hand on the way back.

 

As I remember it, we were intimate shortly after dinner, instigated by her, I wore a condom this time. Then we showered together and she took joy in washing me, something I'd never really experienced outside of this relationship.

 

We hung out on the couch watching tv most of Tuesday night and she seemed really tired, so we went to bed (she had been up most of Monday night trying to fix her washing machine and was exhausted by lack of sleep) but was still very cuddly.

 

Wednesday morning (my bday), she let me sleep in, but had made me breakfast while the repair man fixed the washer. After breakfast we showered together again and again she washed by back and under my arms. I had tried to leave the shower early (I strongly dislike long showers, especially in the morning), but she coaxed me back in saying something like "get back here mister, I still need to wash you". It was pleasing and sweet, with slight Oedipus tinge. She's been very motherly and having never experienced that (or to such an extent at least) it seemed a bit unusual.

 

Wednesday she seemed very irritated by work, so I gave her space. I came back in a couple hours after making a salad for us and we ate it outside, despite the heavily pouring rain.

 

She told me that her boss was driving her crazy and blaming a newer female colleague (who she had taken under her wing) for a blowup between the clients indecision and her bosses inactivity that had caused a lull in productivity. I ate in silence for a while before saying "it really sounds like you should look for a new job, you don't sound very happy there." A few minutes later (and weighing into account other similar stories I'd heard) I added, "and your boss sounds like an idiot.. I know you're just venting, but you really deserve better. You deserve to be appreciated for the hours you put in."

 

She still seemed annoyed, so I went back into the bedroom to give her space. About 15 minutes later she came in, said she had told her boss she was taking a break and we had sex again with a condom.

 

We laid beside each other, but I felt a disconnect. I didn't see her the way I had before. It wasn't as if she repulsed me, but I wasn't completely enamoured either. The sex was nice, but somehow felt incomplete. I carried that with me for most of the afternoon.

 

Around 5:30 she clocked out and shut down her laptop. It was still raining heavily, so I suggested we postpone our romantic dinner (which was supposed to be my bday gift) and we ordered a pizza instead. After the pizza we went for a walk and that disconnect I'd felt earlier intensified. I realized this was probably the last time I'd see her (in at least a month while she was on her trip) and quite possibly the last time period, given that we hadn't spoken about where things were between us.

 

When we got back to her place I didn't say anything and tried to keep my feelings in check. We watched a French language mini series (Les Revenants) and then went to bed. Between the rain and the thoughts in my head, it would be almost an hour before I finally fell asleep.

 

Thursday morning I made us breakfast while she got ready. We showered together again and again she took pleasure in washing me. Leaving her house she grabbed my hand. At a point I wanted to just kiss her and walk to the station myself. This time however she came with me. I gave her a kiss and a long embrace, bought her a coffee at the station and then boarded the bus.

Edited August 17, 2014 by CalvinM
Grammar

[TAV]

Why did you feel disconnected, you think? Was it because you both acted like a couple but there is no further talk about being a couple/the future?

 

Glad you wore protection.

 

I like to wash my bf too but it is certainly not a motherly gesture; I very much like to adore his body and this is part of it.

[CalvinM]

Yeah, I think that's probably it. Because no matter how we feel about each other, the circumstances just won't allow us to be together.

 

Perhaps that's it for her too. I don't really understand it.. Like I said, I've never experienced it before. Maybe that's her way of showing she loves me/my body?

 

She just messaged me: "Hey handsome, what are you up to today? Are you at your parents?"

[MariaMars]

Yeah, I think that's probably it. Because no matter how we feel about each other, the circumstances just won't allow us to be together.

 

Perhaps that's it for her too. I don't really understand it.. Like I said, I've never experienced it before. Maybe that's her way of showing she loves me/my body?

 

She just messaged me: "Hey handsome, what are you up to today? Are you at your parents?"

 

Don't confuse sex with love. After/before sex emotions are high I think. I feel like she has more control in the relationship maybe because of the money she makes plus after reading what she is so far saying to you, she's giving me mixed signals. Nothing feels concrete or established yet. Like you two are just experimenting with each other emotions and bodies?? Romantic phase...

[CalvinM]

Our interactions are definitely more indicative of a couple than they are fwb or just friends.

 

She's been hurt a lot prior to me and is scared to put her heart out there.

 

When I asked her about she said this:

"Then maybe my holidays will be a nice breather for you, because I won't be sending any signals whatsoever, mixed or not.

I don't want to hurt you.

I had not realized I was sending mixed signals. We spent some good times the 2 last times you were here, but to me it doesn't change my perspective."

Edited August 17, 2014 by CalvinM

[CalvinM]

Is it a simple as saying she's crazy or that she changes her mind too often, wants the best of both world (a relationship without the labels/commitment)?

 

I'm trying to understand the difference here between what we have now and what we had before when we were bf/gf. Not much has changed.

 

Hiding behind her words, she's used the "I can't see us that way right now" or "if we get back together" and I realize that's probably never going to change without some distance between us.

 

Perhaps not talking while she's on her holidays would do us some good.

[TAV]

I don't know, Calvin, I don't really understand what she is doing. I can only say that if I put myself in your shoes, and my bf was so wishy washy about our relationship, I'd be very unhappy.

 

Being in a LDR is hard enough without any other factors weighing in. If I was meeting my bf and I'd think this was just a casual thing for him, I'd be heartbroken and if I did not get the answers I needed I think I'd rather be alone than continue this difficult LDR relationship that does not hold any future.

[CalvinM]

I don't know either. I've never encountered anyone like her. She's rational, loving and affectionate in person, but confusing, cold and full of mixed signals.

 

It's baffling.

 

She has me in her plans at a moments notice and as soon as I start to feel comfortable she changes her mind again.

[TMichaels]

Perhaps not talking while she's on her holidays would do us some good.

 

Particularly if *you* spend her holidays looking for and going out with other women.

 

Calvin, as I told you before, this woman, (and the shrink you were enamored with before her), have serious issues. You're not helping by throwing sex into the equation -- you need to start thinking with *your other* head.

 

At the very least, take some time to figure out what's going on with you that you keep getting hooked up with such nut cases. More importantly, why do you persist in trying to have a relationship with someone who clearly has problems?

 

Do you thrive on the drama? Do you fancy solving the mystery? Do you think you can fix them? Do you not care as long as you get sex and it's good? Do you not think you deserve better? Do you like being treated like dirt?

 

Seriously, if you do anything while this woman is on holiday, spend the time on introspection. You may not see it, but there's a pattern developing here -- and it's not one that is positive. Until you get to the bottom of what's going on with you, you're going to continue to find yourself in similar situations which quite honestly, contrary to your protestations, appears you rather like -- or you'd quit doing it.

 

Sorry, but that's how it appears.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited August 19, 2014 by TMichaels

[CalvinM]

I agree completely. There isn't enough here to build a life around.

 

I just sent her a text saying that I hope taking a break will give her a new perspective.

 

I'm going to try to put my thoughts of her to the side and figure out why I keep going for these types of women, because as you say, it isn't healthy and is causing more pain than good.

[CalvinM]

She text me tonight:

"Allô

I am dead beat... What did you do today?"

I responded with:

"I have no interest in pretending things between us are normal, this isn't how friends act. Maybe you're seeing some one else and I'm just the icing on the cake, but at 33 I need someone to see a future with me, not a few days at a time. If you can't wrap your head around me needing that, then maybe we shouldn't see each other."

She responded with:

"I'm not seeing "some one else", whatever that means.

Yesterday I texted you, and you called it "nonsense". So yeah, I thought a pause in conversation was needed.

I said:

"I thought you acting like you weren't sending mixed messages yet we shower together and you wash me was nonsense. And you want the option to see other people, how should I know? You said me getting weekends off would give us a better shot at a normal relationship and maybe it will if we let it"

She said:

"Agreed, it's more than fwb. That's why we said it can't stay like that for long."

To which I said:

"Thank you, I'm glad you admitted it. And I can't figure out if it's the labels or the commitment that scares you, but the way we are with each other is all that I want. But I can't be around you if you're only thinking of how things between us won't work or how I'll let you down, if those are my options than maybe you and I shouldn't see each other."

She replied with:

"After we stopped the relationship, I said I was not ready to rekindle it before my vacation, and I stand by that.

I, today, am still not convinced a steady relationship between you and me is what I need, despite how good we have it sometimes.

And I am not scared of the labels, I had no problems with you calling me your girlfriend when we were together. It was a relationship, for sure. There are some lingering feelings on my part, but I am not sure they are enough. I don't want to discuss this over text, nor at this hour. I fear we'll argue, and I don't really want to. If you are free tomorrow night, we could talk on the phone maybe?"

So I said:

"I honestly don't have anything else to say. I'm not going to argue with you, if what you feel for me isn't enough, no amount of talking is going to change that."

Edited August 19, 2014 by CalvinM