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Am I too picky or justified. So many pet peeves


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Posted

Hi,

 

I have been dating this girl for a couple of months. I'm 24 and she's 22. I usually am not that picky with women as long as they are attractive and have some sort of personality. But the past few weeks I've been scrutinizing her behavior more and more. I HATE nagging people because my parents used to nag me. And I know I can't change people but there are some things she does whether due to inexperience or just plain cluelessness that really annoy me. She asked me in the first month of dating if I had any pet peeves or if she did anything that ever annoyed me which I replied "no, not really". But for the past few weeks, I've been getting annoyed at more of her actions which are the following -

 

- This one annoyed me the most but we have talked about it - I booked reservations for a one star michelin restaurant and even told her 2 days in advance of the name of restaurant. I asked if she was wearing heels or flats (my insinuation) and she replied "whichever you prefer", to which I replied "whichever you feel is more comfortable". She showed up wearing black sneakers. I felt like wearing sneakers to a one michelin starred place was very disrespectful for the occasion and restaurant. She told me she had no idea and was clueless. This issue is settled.

 

1) I am up at 5am to go to the gym and work 50-60 hrs a week, sometimes 90 hrs for 1/4 of the year. She sleeps at 3-4am, sometimes 5am and doesn't wake up until 1-2PM.

 

2) I had a job lined up my junior yr of college. She spent her senior year doing nothing related to a job search. She's still searching for a job but it's been 3 months since graduation and still nothing.

 

3) Eats very slow even for a girl. I asked her why and she said she needs to chew every bite 20 times before swallowing. We went out to dinner with my guy friends and it took her 20 minutes to finish 5 chicken wings.

 

4) At dinner with my guy friends(she's met them 3 times before) literally did not say 1 word to them and was just sitting there. My good friend literally had to tell her to speak more. They felt bad and thought she didn't want to be there. I feel like it's common courtesy to at least try to make conversation at dinner with friends. At social gatherings, she's super quiet. We were with friends at a going away party last weekend and she literally says nothing. She's clearly introverted and it slightly annoys me but I realize this is just part of "her".

 

5) Slightly ditzy and clumsy. Always bumps into me while we walk together in public. We don't have good walking chemistry I guess.

 

6) I really like girls with a lot of personality and passion/opinion but whenever ask her opinion on something, she defers to me and says "I don't know" or "it doesn't matter". Her lack of opinion annoys me.

 

7) General lack of "lady-like behavior" in public. Behavior in public can be considered lackadaisical, ditzy". A little annoying.

 

8) Doesn't communicate well. One time wanted to call me to ask me a question about "us" and literally took her 45 minutes to formulate her question. I had to say "Hey, my time is very valuable and I can't stay on the phone for 45 minutes in silence so please call me back later when you're ready to express yourself in an effective manner". It just annoys me when she can't even express words that she wants to come out of her mouth.

 

9) I'm type-a personality 150% and she told me she lacks ambition. She sets low standards for herself. During school, did nothing to apply for jobs b/c she didn't care and it would be her friends always telling HER about job openings. I'm into ambitious and smart girls and this kind of bothers me.

 

I know that I can't change people and some times I really think that I'd be happy by myself but I do want to give this a chance since it's only been 2.5 months and we only see each other on weekends. I do find her attractive and her smile is beautiful but we're just not connecting on an intellectual level. She is 22 but her maturity/mental age is that of a 20 year old. She even told me she thought her own mental age was 20 yrs old.

 

Am I being too picky? I feel like some of these traits she can change like the lack of job, ambition, non-lady like public behavior, communication, etc.

Posted

You've named so many major things you don't like about her that this one is easy: she's not for you. Break up and you can both go on to find someone more compatible. She's realistically not going to be able to change most of these things to any substantial degree, even if she really wanted to.

  • Like 5
Posted

Think you don't have annoying habits? Let me give you one.

 

You look for things and then make them bigger. So she's slightly clumsy, let's see you walk a tight rope.

 

What do you mean in public she isn't lady like? Does she spit on the sidewalk? Ask people to "Pull her finger"? Pick her nose?

 

People are who they are and so far you have done nothing but put her down.

 

What are her good qualities? Does she have any? So far she's a slow eater, bumps into you and is quiet.

 

Tell you what, let her go and find yourself a girl that checks herself out when she passes every mirror, puts herself ahead of everyone and ridicules your every move and see if you like it.

 

Your problem is you want a custom fit in a off the rack world and got news for you friend. No such thing. You have to cut a little here, add a little there and add or subtract something when it comes to relationships and if you can't then your going to be a lonely boy.

 

Cut her some slack. She might be better than you think and if you don't believe me, let her go and sure as God made green apples, some guy will take your place and then it's too late.

  • Like 5
Posted

She's just not your type. Don't settle. Also, move on and stop wasting her time because it's obvious this won't last.

  • Like 1
Posted
Hi,

 

She asked me in the first month of dating if I had any pet peeves or if she did anything that ever annoyed me which I replied "no, not really". But for the past few weeks, I've been getting annoyed at more of her actions which are the following -

- This one annoyed me the most but we have talked about it - I booked reservations for a one star michelin restaurant and even told her 2 days in advance of the name of restaurant. I asked if she was wearing heels or flats (my insinuation) and she replied "whichever you prefer", to which I replied "whichever you feel is more comfortable". She showed up wearing black sneakers. I felt like wearing sneakers to a one michelin starred place was very disrespectful for the occasion and restaurant. She told me she had no idea and was clueless. This issue is settled.

 

1) I am up at 5am to go to the gym and work 50-60 hrs a week, sometimes 90 hrs for 1/4 of the year. She sleeps at 3-4am, sometimes 5am and doesn't wake up until 1-2PM.

 

This is you being difficult. Since she does not have a problem keeping the hours that are normal for her, YOU are the one with the problem.

 

2) I had a job lined up my junior yr of college. She spent her senior year doing nothing related to a job search. She's still searching for a job but it's been 3 months since graduation and still nothing.

 

This is your inner parents coming out. That nagging ness. Creating a problem where there isn't one, just because she is not doing it how YOU would do it.

 

3) Eats very slow even for a girl. I asked her why and she said she needs to chew every bite 20 times before swallowing. We went out to dinner with my guy friends and it took her 20 minutes to finish 5 chicken wings.

 

What does this have to do with anything? You are starting to look more and more high maintenance.

 

4) At dinner with my guy friends(she's met them 3 times before) literally did not say 1 word to them and was just sitting there. My good friend literally had to tell her to speak more. They felt bad and thought she didn't want to be there. I feel like it's common courtesy to at least try to make conversation at dinner with friends. At social gatherings, she's super quiet. We were with friends at a going away party last weekend and she literally says nothing. She's clearly introverted and it slightly annoys me but I realize this is just part of "her".

 

Who she is as a person "slightly annoys" you?

 

5) Slightly ditzy and clumsy. Always bumps into me while we walk together in public. We don't have good walking chemistry I guess.

 

..... are you blanking serious

 

6) I really like girls with a lot of personality and passion/opinion but whenever ask her opinion on something, she defers to me and says "I don't know" or "it doesn't matter". Her lack of opinion annoys me.

 

I'm on your side with this one. This is one of the most annoying things I have noticed in potential dating partners.

 

7) General lack of "lady-like behavior" in public. Behavior in public can be considered lackadaisical, ditzy". A little annoying.

 

Then why the hell are you dating her.

 

8) Doesn't communicate well. One time wanted to call me to ask me a question about "us" and literally took her 45 minutes to formulate her question. I had to say "Hey, my time is very valuable and I can't stay on the phone for 45 minutes in silence so please call me back later when you're ready to express yourself in an effective manner". It just annoys me when she can't even express words that she wants to come out of her mouth.

9) I'm type-a personality 150% and she told me she lacks ambition. She sets low standards for herself. During school, did nothing to apply for jobs b/c she didn't care and it would be her friends always telling HER about job openings. I'm into ambitious and smart girls and this kind of bothers me.

 

How about you spend less time worrying about what SHE is doing, because you seem to have some very strong desires to make her do things the way YOU would do it. Not everyone is you, nor do they have the desire to be you.

 

I know that I can't change people and some times I really think that I'd be happy by myself but I do want to give this a chance since it's only been 2.5 months and we only see each other on weekends. I do find her attractive and her smile is beautiful but we're just not connecting on an intellectual level. She is 22 but her maturity/mental age is that of a 20 year old. She even told me she thought her own mental age was 20 yrs old.

 

Oh my god. TWENTY years old? Do you believe that guys!!?!?! HER MENTAL MATURITY IS TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER AGE!?!??! OMGOMGOMGOMSDOMGSDOGSODGMG

 

... seriously?

Am I being too picky? I feel like some of these traits she can change like the lack of job, ambition, non-lady like public behavior, communication, etc.

 

 

Italics for ironic hypocrisy.

 

Bold for responses.

  • Like 5
Posted
Italics for ironic hypocrisy.

 

Bold for responses.

 

-He is decisive and has a drive..she just is lazy.

 

 

-He needs somebody who is Type A and driven....he would love another type A girl who plans, and is decisive. It would be easy to talk about dinner and figure it out ha ha..

 

 

-He takes care of himself

Posted
-He is decisive and has a drive..she just is lazy.

 

 

-He needs somebody who is Type A and driven....he would love another type A girl who plans, and is decisive. It would be easy to talk about dinner and figure it out ha ha..

 

 

-He takes care of himself

 

How exactly is she lazy? You only think she is lazy because he is making her out to be. If she graduated college at 22, I think that pretty much cancels out the laziness.

 

Yes, he does need some one decisive.

 

 

Does he take care of himself? 60+ hours a week at work makes you a robot, and I know because I did it. No where in there did it imply or state that she does not take care of herself.

  • Like 6
Posted

OP, I'm wondering: is there anything that you really LIKE about her? It sounds to me that you're fundamentally incompatible with her personality, and this is going to end sooner or later, but are there things about her that make you want to stay? If so, what is on that list?

Posted (edited)

Op, I don't think you guys are compatible. I don't think you even respect her. It seems like you only like her looks.

 

Edit: Someone like Amy Chua would be a good fit for you.

Edited by Eivuwan
Posted

Maybe she didn't speak much at dinner because she was concentrating on finishing her meal in a timely fashion.

 

You sound like a stressed out prick to be honest. Good luck finding a match for that!

  • Like 4
Posted

1. You seem somewhat arrogant. You're not perfect. Not everybody has to do everything the way you do it. Not everyone has to eat as quickly as you do. Some people are clumsy. Big woop. Some people are quieter, others are more talkative. She barely knows your friends. Did you ever think maybe it might take her a while to warm up to them? Not everyone is open and chatty from the get-go.

 

2. You seem very, very critical, judgmental, and high maintenance. She is her own person. She is not clay to be molded into whatever it is that you want.

 

3. You two are just not compatible, it's as simple as that. Let her go, please.

  • Like 2
Posted

Oh god some of those are stupid as hell hahah hell yes you're too picky what man gives a **** if a chick wears sneakers or even asks what she's gonna be wearing on her feet to dinner holy cow!

 

You seem really really high matenience and a nag yourself please dont tell your icon is actually you because after that post when I look at that I wonder if your plastic.

 

Not to be mean you seem to have perfectionest mind.

Posted

Woah! The responses to this thread!

 

Anyways...I'll never forget what my last Interpersonal Communications teacher told me shortly after my ex-girlfriend broke up with me: we've gotta be picky! If you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, they better be your ideal. This person has gotta be worth all that time and effort because a lot can happen in 30+ years. If you settle for someone who doesn't meet your qualifications, you're too busy keeping track of their flaws. When you spend more time figuring out all the things they do wrong, you're not really enjoying the relationship as you should. When a person is compatible with you, they're going to have flaws, but they aren't going to cross your mind. Hell, you might even find them adorable. The relationship has only been a couple months; just because she's physically attractive isn't a good enough excuse to stay together. If physical attraction is the only thing keeping the relationship together, you might as well go to a "friends with benefits" stage and find someone who can romantically satisfy you.

 

As much as you may like them to change, only they can change themselves; and, from my experience, they won't. I didn't. She's probably not going to change, and I don't think you're going to embrace her flaws.

 

Be true with yourself and think about the future. Ask yourself: do you see yourself being with this person for an extended period of time? If you say "I don't know because I can't predict the future" then you're basically saying "no, I'm just settling for X and Y." If you're settling, don't. It's always best to just get the breakup over with and move on; otherwise you're going to end up wasting more time, and it's just going to hurt even more.

Posted
Woah! The responses to this thread!

 

Anyways...I'll never forget what my last Interpersonal Communications teacher told me shortly after my ex-girlfriend broke up with me: we've gotta be picky! If you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, they better be your ideal. This person has gotta be worth all that time and effort because a lot can happen in 30+ years.

 

True, but let's say that someone obsesses over whether someone who likes apple juice instead of orange juice. There is a point where someone can be so picky that they are unable to build a connection with a person who is otherwise a good match for them. Sure we should have standards, but no one is ever going to match it 100% and expecting others to be perfect would hinder us from building a connection with anyone.

  • Like 1
Posted

- This one annoyed me the most but we have talked about it - I booked reservations for a one star michelin restaurant and even told her 2 days in advance of the name of restaurant. I asked if she was wearing heels or flats (my insinuation) and she replied "whichever you prefer", to which I replied "whichever you feel is more comfortable". She showed up wearing black sneakers. I felt like wearing sneakers to a one michelin starred place was very disrespectful for the occasion and restaurant. She told me she had no idea and was clueless. This issue is settled.

 

Why did you feel the need to ask her what she was going to wear in her feet in the first place? Sounds like you were already dissatisfied with her style. You prefer more feminine ladies maybe? = incompatible

 

1) I am up at 5am to go to the gym and work 50-60 hrs a week, sometimes 90 hrs for 1/4 of the year. She sleeps at 3-4am, sometimes 5am and doesn't wake up until 1-2PM.
You have different life style = incompatible

 

2) I had a job lined up my junior yr of college. She spent her senior year doing nothing related to a job search. She's still searching for a job but it's been 3 months since graduation and still nothing.
She doesn't think it's necessary to kill yourself to work and study, like you did. Different view of life and life style = incompatible.

 

3) Eats very slow even for a girl. I asked her why and she said she needs to chew every bite 20 times before swallowing. We went out to dinner with my guy friends and it took her 20 minutes to finish 5 chicken wings.
She's a slow eater, if you were into her you would not care. You're being picky here.

 

4) At dinner with my guy friends(she's met them 3 times before) literally did not say 1 word to them and was just sitting there. My good friend literally had to tell her to speak more. They felt bad and thought she didn't want to be there. I feel like it's common courtesy to at least try to make conversation at dinner with friends. At social gatherings, she's super quiet. We were with friends at a going away party last weekend and she literally says nothing. She's clearly introverted and it slightly annoys me but I realize this is just part of "her".
This is her personality, this is who she is at her core, if that annoyed you then you are not compatible.

 

5) Slightly ditzy and clumsy. Always bumps into me while we walk together in public. We don't have good walking chemistry I guess.
This is a sign of no chemistry, and no compatibility. When you are compatible with someone it flows very naturally.

 

6) I really like girls with a lot of personality and passion/opinion but whenever ask her opinion on something, she defers to me and says "I don't know" or "it doesn't matter". Her lack of opinion annoys me.
Again this is who she is, you 2 aren't compatible.

 

7) General lack of "lady-like behavior" in public. Behavior in public can be considered lackadaisical, ditzy". A little annoying.
Back to one, you prefer ladies with more femininity, you 2 aren't compatible.

 

8) Doesn't communicate well. One time wanted to call me to ask me a question about "us" and literally took her 45 minutes to formulate her question. I had to say "Hey, my time is very valuable and I can't stay on the phone for 45 minutes in silence so please call me back later when you're ready to express yourself in an effective manner". It just annoys me when she can't even express words that she wants to come out of her mouth.
You were being an a-hole.

 

9) I'm type-a personality 150% and she told me she lacks ambition. She sets low standards for herself. During school, did nothing to apply for jobs b/c she didn't care and it would be her friends always telling HER about job openings. I'm into ambitious and smart girls and this kind of bothers me.
Again you are incompatible

 

Am I being too picky? I feel like some of these traits she can change like the lack of job, ambition, non-lady like public behavior, communication, etc.
So you basically want to change everything about her. Just find a more suitable girlfriend. The only thing that got you to date her was her looks. You like nothing about her and her personality.

 

She is not doing anything wrong, you are not compatible.

  • Like 3
Posted

I don't agree with most of the harshness here OP but the point is, if you have this little respect for her, you should break up.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Thank you all for the responses! It really does put things into perspective.

 

I obviously only listed the negative things because I just wanted to get opinions from people I don't know but I feel like we're making progress. I see so much potential in her as a person that I don't want it to go to waste even if it's not with me.

 

- I think it's safe to say that it's good for her to have a job and she has been making progress. She's been going on interviews so I'm proud of her for that.

 

- She is the nicest person I've ever met and always thanks me when we do stuff together (prior person that I dated never said thanks once in 2 months)

 

- Makes me cupcakes which are freaking delicious (and it's the thought that counts)

 

- Making an effort to wake up around 9AM (You guys may think this is a bit harsh for me to expect her to wake up at a reasonable hour but it's my personal belief that you should wake up at a reasonable hour to get accustomed to the new job. It's simply lazy to waste so much time in bed even if you don't have a job)

 

- She has been going to the gym which I can appreciate her effort in taking care of her body.

 

- I love her smile. And I do find her physically attractive. I just wish she "flaunted it" more in classy way but if not, I'm fine with that.

 

- At dinner with my friends, we were waiting an hour at our table before the food came out and it was during this time that my friends got annoyed that she didn't say a single word. But I spoke to her about this and she said that she was just unsure of what to do and will work on it. Obviously I like that she making an effort.

 

- The shoes... she said didn't get my hints and just told me to be more upfront which I appreciate since she said she wasn't very "good at stuff like that"

 

 

Booked us for Aureole dinner next friday so I'm glad with the progress we're making. Any other feedback would be greatly appreciated!!

Posted

Am I being too picky? I feel like some of these traits she can change like the lack of job, ambition, non-lady like public behavior, communication, etc.

 

You're not only picky but it looks like you're just looking for things to pick on.

 

Glad to see you made a list of some of the wonderful things about her because quite honestly, no one is perfect including you.

 

Who's to say she doesn't have her own ever expanding list of things she finds annoying with you? :p

  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted
You're not only picky but it looks like you're just looking for things to pick on.

 

Glad to see you made a list of some of the wonderful things about her because quite honestly, no one is perfect including you.

 

Who's to say she doesn't have her own ever expanding list of things she finds annoying with you? :p

 

She does have a list but right now it's the size of a notebook so I can't type it on LS :) I'm trying to get it smaller and smaller everyday since I want to be the best person I can be. I hate complacency. My own list for myself is the size of a hard drive...sigh lol

Posted

You two just aren't suited. If things she is doing are annoying you now and it's early days in the relationship, then unless something changes within you and you start to respect her differences, it's only going to get worse. You can't change someone's fundamental character and body type. I am a night owl, for example. I have spent my whole life trying to feel OK with being awake in the mornings and wishing I didn't become more alert in the evenings, but I can't help it. It must be genetic!

 

Sounds like you need an alpha-type woman, someone who, if she's sufficiently different to you, would have the strength to stand up to you so you'd respect her. Being ditzy is fine, if you are a relaxed, easy-going character, and you don't care to much about such things as dress codes, but I feel you would find that lack of control and discipline too difficult to tolerate. I think you like to be in control and you need a woman who can be strong and disciplined like you. This girl needs someone more relaxed and who loves her for the way she is. She may be artistic or poetic or something, whereas you sound like you might have more of a business-like drive. It's like mixing oil and water.

  • Like 1
Posted

I have a balance problem (was born with a underdeveloped cerebellum) and I'll tell you something my friend, if I were with you and I found out you hated it, you'd find yourself dumped to the sidewalk. Yesterday.

  • Like 1
Posted
Thank you all for the responses! It really does put things into perspective.

 

I obviously only listed the negative things because I just wanted to get opinions from people I don't know but I feel like we're making progress. I see so much potential in her as a person that I don't want it to go to waste even if it's not with me.

 

- I think it's safe to say that it's good for her to have a job and she has been making progress. She's been going on interviews so I'm proud of her for that.

 

- She is the nicest person I've ever met and always thanks me when we do stuff together (prior person that I dated never said thanks once in 2 months)

 

- Makes me cupcakes which are freaking delicious (and it's the thought that counts)

 

- Making an effort to wake up around 9AM (You guys may think this is a bit harsh for me to expect her to wake up at a reasonable hour but it's my personal belief that you should wake up at a reasonable hour to get accustomed to the new job. It's simply lazy to waste so much time in bed even if you don't have a job)

 

- She has been going to the gym which I can appreciate her effort in taking care of her body.

 

- I love her smile. And I do find her physically attractive. I just wish she "flaunted it" more in classy way but if not, I'm fine with that.

 

- At dinner with my friends, we were waiting an hour at our table before the food came out and it was during this time that my friends got annoyed that she didn't say a single word. But I spoke to her about this and she said that she was just unsure of what to do and will work on it. Obviously I like that she making an effort.

 

- The shoes... she said didn't get my hints and just told me to be more upfront which I appreciate since she said she wasn't very "good at stuff like that"

 

 

Booked us for Aureole dinner next friday so I'm glad with the progress we're making. Any other feedback would be greatly appreciated!!

 

You don't want to be her boyfriend. You want to be her life coach. I got a feeling that one day, she'll get her job with a good pay, go to the gym and get a body to die for, then eat all the cup cakes real fast, then wake up at 9:00 AM sharp, barf on you and tell you to hit the road and then tell your friend who got irritated with her to go F*** himself.

  • Like 5
Posted

I think people are being too hard on you OP.

 

She sounds like a typical immature 22 year old, you sound like you are older than your years. You are just at different points in your life, even though you are almost the same age. You might prefer dating older girls, who are more established and mature. Maybe try that. She just sounds like a 22 yr old kid, not a woman.

  • Like 1
Posted

i dont think this woman is for you its pretty plain and simple....next time when you tell someone they are going to a restaurant that has a dress code inform them correctly of what is appropriate and what is not..you asked her what she was wearing i am assuming for this reason the dress code...........you should have then answered honestly on what you thought was appropriate..dont assume to think they know what that is and if you say to a woman i want you to be comfortable expect sneakers......

 

 

to me ok she has exhibited lady like behavior and you dont like it,yet you say you find her unladylike,....eating food slowly is etiquette ......especially with fine dining you are meant to savor food not scarf it down......

 

being quiet is also lady like not raucous and a bit humble a bit shy, not bad in my books for a lady to exhibit traits as such

 

 

you talk about her clumsiness ...takes two to bump into each other.....

 

she just isnt the lady for you ....do i think or feel she is a lady ....yes i do ...just not the lady for you.....deb

  • Like 4
Posted

At the end of the day, if you have doubts and questions like this after only 2 mos, move on. It's not worth it. Find someone you gel with. She isn't that person, and that's okay. There's no reason to force it!

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