JBlackstone Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 that my relationship was never going to change. I posted on this site for the first time last June because my boyfriend of 3 years and I were on a break. We got back together shortly after then proceeded to have 'breaks' in November then again in January. Got back together AGAIN and finally I just couldn't lie to myself any longer and we ended things for good just two weeks ago. I used to think that 'love was all you need' but it's not true. We definitely loved each other but we were not compatible in a relationship even though we really wished we were. We both hoped the other person would be a little more of this and less of that. I'm coming to realize that perhaps it just took me a year to finally exit the relationship. I feel like I have done a lot of my grieving during the past year that instantly i felt a huge sense of relief after the breakup. I still have moments of sadness but I know I am better off. So I guess my point of this post is to tell others that if it just doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. Also to really listen to your heart, are you lying to yourself because you desperately want this person to be your forever mate? i know I did, I totally resigned myself to a life of disappointment if I stayed and I didnt even realize it. I also didn't want to start over with someone else at the age of 30. So good luck to all of you in your stages of breaking up. A piece of advice, "it shouldn't be so hard and it won't be when you're with the right person." 7
BC1980 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I also didn't want to start over with someone else at the age of 30. I thought the same thing because I was 32 when my ex left me last year. In reality, every single person says this no matter what their age. I've seen someone at age 25 who said they couldn't believe they had to start over. I think it's more about the time investment than the age and the fact that you have trained yourself to see "forever" with this person. It feels like you need to make the time investment worth it, so you keep plugging away in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. It would make more sense to cut your losses early, but we can't see it sometimes. We are so scared of change that we don't even give ourselves the opportunity to find a better life. The truth is that you are never too old to fall in love, but you will never get the chance to find someone truly worthy if you stay in a dead end relationship. 4
Author JBlackstone Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 I thought the same thing because I was 32 when my ex left me last year. In reality, every single person says this no matter what their age. I've seen someone at age 25 who said they couldn't believe they had to start over. I think it's more about the time investment than the age and the fact that you have trained yourself to see "forever" with this person. It feels like you need to make the time investment worth it, so you keep plugging away in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. It would make more sense to cut your losses early, but we can't see it sometimes. We are so scared of change that we don't even give ourselves the opportunity to find a better life. The truth is that you are never too old to fall in love, but you will never get the chance to find someone truly worthy if you stay in a dead end relationship. This is exactly it
supportlove Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 good advise! thanks for sharing.. "it shouldn't be so hard and it won't be when you're with the right person." i like it 1
perduetseul Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 that my relationship was never going to change. I posted on this site for the first time last June because my boyfriend of 3 years and I were on a break. We got back together shortly after then proceeded to have 'breaks' in November then again in January. Got back together AGAIN and finally I just couldn't lie to myself any longer and we ended things for good just two weeks ago. I used to think that 'love was all you need' but it's not true. We definitely loved each other but we were not compatible in a relationship even though we really wished we were. We both hoped the other person would be a little more of this and less of that. I'm coming to realize that perhaps it just took me a year to finally exit the relationship. I feel like I have done a lot of my grieving during the past year that instantly i felt a huge sense of relief after the breakup. I still have moments of sadness but I know I am better off. So I guess my point of this post is to tell others that if it just doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. Also to really listen to your heart, are you lying to yourself because you desperately want this person to be your forever mate? i know I did, I totally resigned myself to a life of disappointment if I stayed and I didnt even realize it. I also didn't want to start over with someone else at the age of 30. So good luck to all of you in your stages of breaking up. A piece of advice, "it shouldn't be so hard and it won't be when you're with the right person." I wish I was you. Took me 7 years, a LOT of heartache, and now I am 34... wish someone has been there for me to tell me these things. Also, now I know I will be alone, I will not be "starting over again", I just have no chances anymore and I plainly don't want them. The truth is I never wanted to start over... and I won't. The fact that he is gone doesn't change that. So good for you, give it your all!
organizedchaos Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I thought the same thing because I was 32 when my ex left me last year. In reality, every single person says this no matter what their age. I've seen someone at age 25 who said they couldn't believe they had to start over. I think it's more about the time investment than the age and the fact that you have trained yourself to see "forever" with this person. It feels like you need to make the time investment worth it, so you keep plugging away in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. It would make more sense to cut your losses early, but we can't see it sometimes. We are so scared of change that we don't even give ourselves the opportunity to find a better life. The truth is that you are never too old to fall in love, but you will never get the chance to find someone truly worthy if you stay in a dead end relationship. Exactly. Starting over again at 43. No big deal.
loversquarrel Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 "it shouldn't be so hard and it won't be when you're with the right person." Not a good quote seeing as how this is akin to "Love is all you need". I prefer to think of it like football, or any sport for that matter in that most successful teams are those that are "Good in all phases of the game". To be good in all phases requires hard work and discipline, and yes even chemistry - chemistry being the "right person" part of the equation, then the work, discipline and every day life become easier. 3
mightycpa Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 "it shouldn't be so hard and it won't be when you're with the right person." Not a good quote seeing as how this is akin to "Love is all you need". I think there are three aspects to this. The things that cause conflict, the reaction to conflict and the means used to resolve conflict. You'll always have conflict with somebody. Reactions can be placed on a spectrum, from a shrug-off to BLOWUP. Resolution is also a spectrum from internalizing to dramatizing. If you're a drama queen, you are probably not going to make it with an shrugging internalizer for very long. You'll think he doesn't care, and he'll think you're a whacko. Deep down, you don't really understand each other. That can feel "too hard" and like "too much work", no matter what your other stellar qualities are. But if each of you are similar in temperament, and your styles are the same, then maybe it doesn't feel like so much work. You intuitively understand the person, because you can relate. You're more likely to get along naturally, because you react and respond similarly. It's not that you don't have conflict, it's the reactions and the wrap up. I think that's what "it shouldn't be so hard" means, or at least, that's what it means to me.
loversquarrel Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I think there are three aspects to this. The things that cause conflict, the reaction to conflict and the means used to resolve conflict. You'll always have conflict with somebody. Reactions can be placed on a spectrum, from a shrug-off to BLOWUP. Resolution is also a spectrum from internalizing to dramatizing. If you're a drama queen, you are probably not going to make it with an shrugging internalizer for very long. You'll think he doesn't care, and he'll think you're a whacko. Deep down, you don't really understand each other. That can feel "too hard" and like "too much work", no matter what your other stellar qualities are. But if each of you are similar in temperament, and your styles are the same, then maybe it doesn't feel like so much work. You intuitively understand the person, because you can relate. You're more likely to get along naturally, because you react and respond similarly. It's not that you don't have conflict, it's the reactions and the wrap up. I think that's what "it shouldn't be so hard" means, or at least, that's what it means to me. Yes, this is a good example of the emotional aspect of "it shouldn't be so hard". The different "phases of the game" I was referring to, and because no two people are the same and the best they can hope for is similar, there will always be conflict arising from many different aspects of life.
FredJones80 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 A piece of advice, "it shouldn't be so hard and it won't be when you're with the right person." Sigh, I just don't even have the strength to answer this
hoping2heal Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 No, love is not all you need. You need commitment, and for that commitment to not turn into resentment you need compatibility and acceptance. If you can't truly accept who someone is, it's not going to change. The hard part of a relationship is not taking the person for granted among all of the other daily obligations one has, it's okay to have hard things too. But, what should be easy is loving them - not because of their perfections, but because you can accept who they are and you know that they accept who you are and you're just happy to have one another. That's the part that should be easy. 3
Author JBlackstone Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Sigh, I just don't even have the strength to answer this You don't have to answer it since it wasn't a question. To me it means, when you're with someone who is a better match then every day will not be a struggle, like it was in my relationship that ended. Yes relationships require work but in our case it was constant.
Author JBlackstone Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 I wish I was you. Took me 7 years, a LOT of heartache, and now I am 34... wish someone has been there for me to tell me these things. Also, now I know I will be alone, I will not be "starting over again", I just have no chances anymore and I plainly don't want them. The truth is I never wanted to start over... and I won't. The fact that he is gone doesn't change that. So good for you, give it your all! You never know what the future may bring. You're heartbroken now but you will feel better, might take a while, but you will. Then you might meet someone even when you think you'll be alone forever.
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