chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 After a lot of serious discussions, my friend and I have decided to transition to dating. We agreed that we both have strong feelings, but want to keep it casual and take our time if/until we're ready to be serious. We're the same age (late 20s). We are colleagues; we don't work together directly or even in the same building, but occasionally interact on one project, which is how we met. We have an outstanding rapport and have been great friends for a long time. We did a little experimenting and the physical chemistry is explosive, to say the least. No issues there. Buuuut...he just got out of a very long-term relationship. Granted, it was pretty bad for a while. In fact, when I met him he was semi-jokingly introduced to me as "the guy who's unhappy at home". When we talked, he said one reason why he wants to take it slowly is because he really doesn't want me to be a rebound. Meanwhile, I want to take it slowly because I cherish our friendship and don't want to mess anything up. I'm so excited and happy, but nervous as well. Unlike meeting people online, this guy means a lot to me already. I don't want to get swept away by our (very!) intense romantic and physical feelings and then have everything explode in my face after a few months. Any suggestions? Thank you!
todreaminblue Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I think you have the right idea by taking it slow......reign in the passion and sparks keep them under control......dotn spend too much time on the passion part but get out into the great outdoors and form strong bonds by doing the things you love to do ....together.....build a rapport concentrate on communication styles......get to know his language and you for him to know yours and then how you relate together......this takes effort and time...the reason why i say go outside and do it...is because tv and other home based things distract you from knowing someone well.......movie dates and th elike are great but again limit opportunity and time to before and after the movie, for bonding to actually occur.....which is talking to each other.so throw a mix of activities in and do freebies.....because you shouldnt have to use money to have a good time so see what it is liek to date without and with money..keep the passion leashed....dont run in the rain together......smilin....actually walk in the rain the sun ....at night early mornign and the middle of the day ...walk it be passionate abotu what you see when you do that walk together.........all different times of the day, on different days......a mid morning together, a night together, early morning together set dates at different times....dotn always put yoru best foot forward when you walk try the other foot first ....the real foot with flaws and insecuriities ...be honest about them...when you get home and change if you get soaked from waliking in the rain....dont do it the same room...lol...ahem sorry............deb
Gaeta Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Well, I think you are the perfect candidate for a rebound. All the ingredients are reunited for it. You met at the end of his marriage, he did not spend any time on his own, and there he is jumping from one relationship to another. You talk about taking it slow? What does that mean? You're talking about the physical chemistry is explosive, you 2 aren't gonna play cards to occupy your evening right. I recommend you do not date men freshly out of relationships. It's the only method I know to avoid being a rebound. 2
Author chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 Uh...he wasn't married. They were together for a long time, but they were not married or even engaged.
Gaeta Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Uh...he wasn't married. They were together for a long time, but they were not married or even engaged. Were they living together? How long was their relationship?
todreaminblue Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Uh...he wasn't married. They were together for a long time, but they were not married or even engaged. you knwo fi you are ready and he knows if he is ready to date....i had a rebound that lasted for fifteen years....do what your heart tells you to do
Author chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 They were living together, yes. They dated for about 3 years, with a short break period a little less than a year ago when he initially proposed breaking up. And to answer your first question (sorry I missed it!), "taking it slow" means seeing each other like you see anyone in an early relationship. We are not going to spend every day or even every weekend together. We will spend plenty of time apart, and we are not going to rush into the physical stuff again---believe me, we barely started but stopped when we agreed it was too intense. We email frequently about various things we're up to, like our hobbies and our days and whatnot, rather than be together all the time. 1
Elle1975 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 When did the break up happen? Was it like two weeks or 3 months? I don't do rebounds, but at the same time now that I think about it, I don't jump right in either. I usually have a few months to be spend with myself before I date someone else.
devilish innocent Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 At this point, to really have some hold on your feelings, you'd need to not have any physical intimacy at all. Actually, you'd probably have to hold off on seeing each other for a while. I get the sense neither of you wants to do that. You may as well acknowledge that things aren't going to be casual and just hope for the best. At this point, the best you can do is make sure you stay active with other friends and hobbies so that if things don't work out, at least you still have other things in your life. There's not really a time limit for something like that as it's always good to have other things in your life. I'd try to hold off on having sex for a few months as well, as that might make the situation harder.
Gaeta Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 To me living together is practically the same as being married. He was in a common-law relationship-commitment with this woman. They shared a life, a home, family, finances, vacations, daily routines. That is more commitment than simply being dating for 3 years. When you say they were not married or even engaged it's your way of minimizing their commitment. Living together is a serious commitment. 1
Author chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 I was not minimizing their commitment, I was simply saying that they were not married, nor were they engaged. Of course living together is a serious commitment.
Author chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 Things are going as well as they possibly could be, which isn't to say that it's always easy! We're both completely smitten and email and text quite a bit. It's all of the sappy beginning-of-relationship stuff that makes you roll your eyes and more. Still, it's nice to find someone who sends you little love notes. We set a rule of no more than one date per week to start and no fewer than one every two for the first two months or so. This is really difficult because we want to be together all the time, but it's been great in establishing space and forcing us to cool things down. When we are together, it's like dynamite and ketamine. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I think it's possible to have a relationship with incredibly intense feelings and not have it crash and burn. Mandated time apart is definitely helping and assists with self-control.
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