Have I lost my backbone?

[a66361]

Hello everyone I came here to ask for some advise. Back in the day I used to be very confident and have not a care in the world. I then got into a 6-year relationship with who I was head over heels and thought was the one. Randomly one day she ended it with no valid reason which really messed me up and here I am 4 years later trying to figure out what has happened to me since then and what I need to do to fix it. I haven't really had any relationships since then, just some girls from bars that would be occasional hook-ups that were below my standards. Now I find my self 2 months deep into a relationship with a girl I'm really starting to fall for and I'm not sure if it's going to turn out to be a healthy relationship. With my last long term relationship I was the very jealous type and have always felt that could have been one of the reasons it ended. So with this relationship I learned to not be so jealous or hold it in. I treat my girl like a queen and give her the world. I'm always doing the cutest little things for her ect. I don't always feel like she appreciates everything I do for her or that she would do the same for me. I would inconvenience myself and go way out of my way for her no matter what. She actually can be quite mean to me at times even though I do think it's being playful. Have I lost my backbone over these past years since my last relationship? Because today we were in the car and she told me that I have no backbone and everyone walks all over me. Does that mean she has no respect for me? I know part of this is rambling but what do I need to do to fix myself?

[Gaeta]

Because today we were in the car and she told me that I have no backbone and everyone walks all over me. Does that mean she has no respect for me? I know part of this is rambling but what do I need to do to fix myself?

 

Wow! 2 months in and she tells you something like this? First you need to drop the mean insensitive girlfriend.

 

It's possible you are too flexible for your own good BUT there is a way of telling you this without attacking your backbone.

 

To fix yourself you can buy some good books about personal development, you can try therapy or you can find a support group.

[Elle1975]

In the same breath you say that you were confident, yet jealous. It's either or.

 

You seem to still be on the insecure side of things, which is commonly where jealousy come from. To be insecure will often cause you to constantly "get out of your way" for someone, therefor building resentment.

 

My advice is to probably stop seeing this girl, as you describe her behavior as being "mean".

 

If you spent 4 years picking up girls in bars, my guess is that you never addressed the jealousy issues that you've had. You just bury them and hold the thoughts back. Tackle the issue once and for all.

[TXGuy]

She cannot stand the fact that you let her walk all over you. She has no respect for you.

 

The fact that you put her on a pedastal and would do anything for her is driving her away. This is counterintuitive for men to understand, but it is how women work.

 

It is too late for this one. Start fresh with a new one. Take the attitude that you are the prize, not her (though dont take that attitude too far).

[PogoStick]

she told me that I have no backbone and everyone walks all over me. Does that mean she has no respect for me? I know part of this is rambling but what do I need to do to fix myself?

 

I don't believe you were confident in the past either. Otherwise you wouldn't be the jealous type.

 

A woman who feels that way will not respect you, and will likely not stay with you very long. She might even make things worse for you. Why be with someone who thinks low of you anyway? Show her your backbone and break up with her first. Don't turn it into a discussion. Tell her she is mean and doesn't appreciate you...and it's over. Don't let her backpedal or convince you otherwise.

 

Then work on your confidence and self-image before you get into another relationship.

[BlueIris]

The fact that you put her on a pedastal and would do anything for her is driving her away. This is counterintuitive for men to understand, but it is how women work.

 

Yes! And this is why (to illustrate how this can be uncomfortable to people of either gender, switch genders):

 

I treat my guy like a king and give him the world.

That’s overwrought and indicates some fantasizing. Thinking of someone as a false thing constricts their ability to be themselves. Another skin-crawling statement people sometimes make: “You’re perfect!” (No, I’m not. She doesn’t even know me yet, so who is she really talking about? WTH am I going to have to do to fit this fantasy?)

 

As they say, once you’re on a pedestal, your only freedom of action is to go/fall DOWN. Putting someone on a pedestal is a set-up to fall.

 

I'm always doing the cutest little things for him….

I would inconvenience myself and go way out of my way for him…

Key question: Are you asking her to do these things? What is she doing and how much, how often?

While this can be nice, it can also cross a line into being unhealthy and dark. (see the movie Fatal Attraction, for a wild example. She WAS very generous and giving, right? But it was to control and flood him, to take over his life.)

Don’t get into people’s space and don’t suffocate someone. Tread carefully and maintain balance.

 

I was with someone who did and said these things (and was jealous) and it was all with strings, frankly, which is not only NOT being nice, it's being possessive and intrusive.

I'm not saying you have gone that far or too far, OP. You haven't given details. But there is a very delicate balance in things like this.

Edited July 17, 2014 by BlueIris

[smackie9]

She doesn't find your personality attractive, so instead of just ending the relationship she becomes abusive.....nice girl. Yes grow a back bone and dump her ass.