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Can you really date a man (or woman) whose first language is not English?


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Posted
I would have never guessed, obviously I can't hear your accent, but your are always very well "spoken" on here.

 

Thanks.. I read a lot, I also write a lot. I have a 4.0 GPA so far, A in college writing, etc.. but if you were to hear me, I guarantee you'd think I just got off the plane :lmao:

  • Like 1
Posted
I certainly hope so.. English is my second language.

 

I can relate to what you are saying though. If I speak and write English fluently, I sometimes miss the subtlety of my first language.

 

I also often feel like my IQ gets chopped by 20 points as soon as I open my mouth. I get judged based on my accent. I have had doctors or nurses talking to me as if I was a 5 y old toddler. I try and keep it light; I smile and say "I know I have an accent, but feel at ease, I understand you just fine".

 

What I would advise is to communicate in his native language indeed. A couple years is more than enough to speak his language correctly, at least in a non formal manner. And it's a good plus for your resume.

 

I hate my accent. I would trade it in a second if I could. My friends say "you must get all the guys!". Not at all. Usually the first thing they ask me is "so, do you plan on staying in the US?". I understand the concern, but it gets old to be seen as a foreigner, and not as just a girl on date.

 

I know what you mean. My accent is still strong and people can tell that I am from Europe, they just can't say which country. It gets super annoying to be asked if I am here on holidays. I also feel people think that I am dumber than I am but that's OK because I am too smart anyway :D

 

I have lived in an English speaking country for over 10 years so in time my English got up to the "mother language" level. I get all the subtleties and enjoy sarcastic humor and native slang. My first language humor now makes me cringe and I don't read/watch movies in my first language anymore. It took years to get this way though. My accent has not improved though and my writing is worse than my speech :/

 

Given that OP is so celebral, I think this guy is a poor fit. I would either turn it into something casual or break it off entirely.

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Posted
Can you really date a man (or woman) whose first language is not English?

 

I recall, when dating the doctor from Odessa, we started off practically knowing little to nothing of each other's spoken languages, so had to learn other ways to communicate. I found it quite fascinating how we could interact, and 'get' each other, with so few apparent words. Body language, touch, eye contact and expressions took on far more importance as we worked through the challenges with spoken language.

 

The beauty of that interaction allows the last memory to remain, one with each of our hands pressed against opposite sides of the train's window, both misty eyed, as we said our goodbyes. The prior interactions allowed that moment far more meaning than if words had come easily, even a generation later.

 

IMO, explore life. It's full of opportunities. Some work out. Others don't. The journey is the gift.

Posted

When I consider someone on a fluent/mother tongue level, I don't just mean they know vocabulary, but that they are also partial to cultural nuances of language-- intonation, jokes, sarcasm, witty repartoire, etc.

 

Many of the things you mention have more to do with cultural differences (humour is cultural, as is what is considered witty) than language. Any chance you're judging his sense of humour based on your definition of what is funny? I know it's hard to change what you think is funny - but recognizing the cultural element to this could help you be more open-minded about what people in your current location find funny.

Posted

I have a friend who is dating a girl from England and his english is not great. When I saw them together I felt bad cause I realize how much of feelings and emotions thoughts and discussions are lost in translation. Jokes, metaphors, anecdotes, etc. I can't imagine not being able to communicate my feelings to my partner. Sometimes it's hard to even being able to communicate feelings at all, imagine having to translate them in another language as well or having to explain them. Tricky.

Posted
my writing is worse than my speech

 

For me it's the other way around. Being around people makes me nervous. I get nervous, and don't know how to speak properly anymore. Once I get to know someone, I'm fine.

 

Reflecting on it, it's been the same way in my native language. I have always been able to express myself through writing with ease. I should look that up.

 

This morning my friends were making fun of my accent. I served them both with a "f off", and everybody laughed. It's indeed something to laugh about. As long as it's not mean in nature, I have no problem with it.

Posted
So you basically just told yourself that liking this guy would make you desperate? That's the vibe I'm getting here. Going for your best possible option does not make you desperate in any sense. You said it not me.

 

 

No, you said it. Why would you assume he's her best possible option? They can't even have a relaxed conversation. How could they get to know each other?

Posted

I think, it's the same ordeal for him, yet he is tolerating you when in reality you are living in his country and are annoyed that he is not perfect in speaking English, if I were you I would worry about the fact that you two are already having sex and it's only been a month, which means he'll get bored and go away pretty soon.

Posted

I don't think a person's 'first language' matters all that much - heck plenty of people are extremely fluent in English despite it not being their 'first language'. It isn't mine, for the record.

 

But the situation you describe, not being able to exchange witticisms and have them understood... yes, that would be a dealbreaker for me, as unfortunate as it sounds. It seems to be one for you, too, and there is no shame in that. Better to acknowledge it now than to string him along, IMO.

Posted

I think it's very reasonable to date someone who's native language is not English, I've done so myself and if anything it's probably something I prefer...not so much because I care whether or not they have spoken English as their first language but because I enjoy the diversity that it brings to the relationship, I'm someone who gets bored with the typical and redundancy.

 

It does present it's challenges based on their fluency;

 

- Communication/misinterpretation of what one is trying to express or their behavior

- Difficulty articulating thoughts or feelings as a whole picture

- Cultural differences that may impact perceptions or expectations of what your SO must do, or how they should be/conduct themselves

- Different backgrounds/childhood memories, associations to certain things that are cultural which you may not relate to on any level, which can feel a little disappointing not to have that common ground

- Different personal values, family values, religious/spiritual or whatever values

 

So you're kind of touching on two things here, culture and language.

 

I think the real issue here is that your comparing him to prior relationships and other people you have dated who were fluent English speakers, your distaste of his grammatical errors, and the necessity in having to alter the way you communicate in order to ensure you're being understood by him, which makes you feel agitated.

 

And now you're already talking about "wasting time"...which every time I hear a woman say that it makes me want to shake her because nine times out of ten you waste your own damn time anyway...I mean if it doesn't lead to the blissful marriage and idea in your imagination then it just was all a waste of time wasn't it :rolleyes:

 

Like I tell people on here on a regular basis...don't date what you desire the person to become, date the person for who they are now. If you're not happy now with the guy, don't try and do him any favors (which is just you trying to get everything you want) so that one day he may live up to your expectations, at the end of the day you're someone I'm sure some guys would not date for many reasons, do you want them dating you and stringing you along even though you might not ultimately be what they're looking for as a total package? I'm guessing not.

 

So if you pride yourself in your linguistic skills and aptitude with English, then find someone who is already on that level. Chances are this guy isn't even looking for the same thing you are, this sounds like a hot and heavy whirlwind romance, and now you're trying to "assess" the long-term "potential" of this foreign lover...look, just chalk up it to another summer fling and move on to a guy who is more of an intellectual, more diverse in the ways you want him to be and that you see is "on your level"...because I can already tell by the way you write you probably feel entitled to it.

  • Like 2
Posted

Non-native speaker here, I was partly educated in the US and still carry an American twang. I studied English at uni but decided not to pursue that so I'm very proficient in this language. My point OP, there are other ways of communication, the eyes, the look, facial expressions and other subtle signs through body language. You might be able to make it work as long as you are open to learning and understanding humor based on what his culture deems funny. English is not the only way to go. He could say the same of you as you have not mastered his language as well despite living there for some years.

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