JimmyWeezy Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Hey guys. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago, I'm still devastated but I also know that there's nothing I can do or say to make him come back, at least not now obviously. There is this guy from the past, who I made out with intensely (but only once) 2 years ago, that randomly texted me the day I got dumped. Weird timing, uh? Anyway, I'm not interested in him. He's cute but Not my type at all. I'm still in love with my ex but since there's nothing left to do, should I go for rebound sex? This guy invited me to lunch at his house and made it clear that he would love to start from where we ended a couple years ago. I'm doubtful because on one hand, I am missing sex a lot. I literally dream of having sex since the break up, probably because I was used to a certain amount of physical interaction for a long time and this clear cut his hurting my body too. On the other hand though, I feel guilty just With the thought of it. As if I was still in the relationship. Like, doing such thing would be the wake up call and reality check that I'm single. Who knows if my ex hooked up already, he definitely has been partying I know for a fact. Should I let myself go and have fun or should I not?
central Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I think you'll hear many views on this, so ultimately it's your choice. If you're clear with this guy that it's not going to lead to anything beyond some short-term casual sex, then go for it if he's okay with just using each other for fun. You know that the sexual double standard is alive and well, no doubt, so if you ever have a discussion with a future serious bf and choose to reveal a casual ONS or your "number," you may be judged negatively even if he's done the same. Anyway, you're no longer in a relationship, your body is your own, you know the way the world works, and there's nothing wrong with casual sex IMO. The only other issue is to deal with anyone ethically and honestly about intentions, if that's an issue. 1
Griesfootball Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I really would not do this. After two years right after you are out of a relationship this guy is inviting you over to his house already. I just think I've seen this thing before. It might feel great for you at the moment but after that you will feel empty. You have sex with that guy right away and you probably won't here from him again. I would be patient let your emotions cool down and then decide how you want to handle things.
music_and_poetry Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Hey guys. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago, I'm still devastated but I also know that there's nothing I can do or say to make him come back, at least not now obviously. There is this guy from the past, who I made out with intensely (but only once) 2 years ago, that randomly texted me the day I got dumped. Weird timing, uh? Anyway, I'm not interested in him. He's cute but Not my type at all. I'm still in love with my ex but since there's nothing left to do, should I go for rebound sex? This guy invited me to lunch at his house and made it clear that he would love to start from where we ended a couple years ago. I'm doubtful because on one hand, I am missing sex a lot. I literally dream of having sex since the break up, probably because I was used to a certain amount of physical interaction for a long time and this clear cut his hurting my body too. On the other hand though, I feel guilty just With the thought of it. As if I was still in the relationship. Like, doing such thing would be the wake up call and reality check that I'm single. Who knows if my ex hooked up already, he definitely has been partying I know for a fact. Should I let myself go and have fun or should I not? You know yourself and what you can handle better than any of us. One time, after a particularly bad relationship of mine ended, I was a bit slutty with hooking up casually and honestly I didn't feel very good about it. It actually lowered my self-esteem a bit and I got into kind of a dark place for a while. It's not really my thing. I also have another friend (female) who is able to easily separate her feelings and emotions from sex. Sex is sex to her and she's ok with it. You have to decide what you can handle emotionally and go with that. You're not wrong as long as its the right decision for you
Author JimmyWeezy Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 I used to hook up when I was single, even one night standers. So I'm cool with that. My question is: is it gonna help me heal faster if I do or will it make me feel worse afterwards? And even if it did, would it be in my interest anyway? As an actual, physical in every way proof that my relationship is over?
music_and_poetry Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I used to hook up when I was single, even one night standers. So I'm cool with that. My question is: is it gonna help me heal faster if I do or will it make me feel worse afterwards? And even if it did, would it be in my interest anyway? As an actual, physical in every way proof that my relationship is over? None of us can tell you how you will feel after the fact. I DO think the fact that you are asking for our opinions says something though. That you are unsure of this. Don't let our answers determine your decision on something as serious as sex. The fact that you are unsure, means you may be doubting this in the back of your head. If you are doubting this in any way I think you should wait until you're sure.
Author JimmyWeezy Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 None of us can tell you how you will feel after the fact. I DO think the fact that you are asking for our opinions says something though. That you are unsure of this. Don't let our answers determine your decision on something as serious as sex. The fact that you are unsure, means you may be doubting this in the back of your head. If you are doubting this in any way I think you should wait until you're sure. I know I miss sex too, not only my ex. And I feel like it might be good for my healing process to accept that I'm single by having sex with this guy. I have no feelings for him, so that is not even a threat. It would be pure and plain fun. All I wanna ask you guys is: did you regret it when you did it? Because I don't wanna go home feeling worse than before about the breakup. I want it to be a medicine
SoThatHappened Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I wouldn't do it. 2 weeks and you're really that strung out to get a piece? You need to be alone. Don't use something like this as a crutch. Use friends, ice cream, LoveShack for that. Not your body. The fact that you're here posting about it says everything. You want your ex back. What if he comes back? Are you going to lie about sleeping with someone else, or are you going to risk him getting upset over it and lose him again? Sex isn't everything. Today it's so common and done just for pure pleasure, and nothing good comes from that IMO. Man I sound old. Don't get me wrong, we're all human and want to get physical, but the risks that come with it aren't worth it.
Author JimmyWeezy Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 I wouldn't do it. 2 weeks and you're really that strung out to get a piece? You need to be alone. Don't use something like this as a crutch. Use friends, ice cream, LoveShack for that. Not your body. The fact that you're here posting about it says everything. You want your ex back. What if he comes back? Are you going to lie about sleeping with someone else, or are you going to risk him getting upset over it and lose him again? Sex isn't everything. Today it's so common and done just for pure pleasure, and nothing good comes from that IMO. Man I sound old. Don't get me wrong, we're all human and want to get physical, but the risks that come with it aren't worth it. What if he comes back you ask... He won't. Lost hope for that. If he EVER will come back, it's gonna happen in a long time. And even if he did, I wouldn't tell him what I've been up to after he threw me away. None of his business really. And I take all the due precautions when I have sex, thank you very much!!! I'm 26, I'm not a child.
Zahara Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I know I miss sex too, not only my ex. And I feel like it might be good for my healing process to accept that I'm single by having sex with this guy. I have no feelings for him, so that is not even a threat. It would be pure and plain fun. All I wanna ask you guys is: did you regret it when you did it? Because I don't wanna go home feeling worse than before about the breakup. I want it to be a medicine I don't think you miss sex. I think you're confusing it with missing intimacy and being close to someone. You have a void, a hole in your heart and you miss the closeness of your ex and in your mind you think you can replace it with "sex" with this guy. "As an actual, physical in every way proof that my relationship is over." You don't have to have meaningless sex to prove that the relationship is over. It's a break-up. He's gone. It's over. Just as you established in your last post that he isn't coming back. The thing with having sex so soon while you are raw, you will have sex and you will trigger yourself into comparing it to your ex. His smell, his body, his touch, his caress, etc. It's too soon for you. Best to fill the void by internally coping versus seeking external coping measures. Use this time to focus on you, feel your feelings, grieve the pain, and find activities that fulfill you in a positive way. 2
leavesonautumn Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Like another poster said, you know yourself and what you want. If you can handle it, awesome. If you're seriously questioning it, don't do it. I don't see an issue with it as long as the boundaries are set and you're being safe. However, it's only been 2 weeks. Are you sure it's the sex that you miss or the intimacy with someone? I'm almost at 7 months and I would love to have sex too but I know that personally, I'm not ready. I miss intimacy and just physical touch more than sex. As my best friend and I put it though, sometimes you're just lacking in vitamin D
Author JimmyWeezy Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 I don't think you miss sex. I think you're confusing it with missing intimacy and being close to someone. You have a void, a hole in your heart and you miss the closeness of your ex and in your mind you think you can replace it with "sex" with this guy. "As an actual, physical in every way proof that my relationship is over." You don't have to have meaningless sex to prove that the relationship is over. It's a break-up. He's gone. It's over. Just as you established in your last post that he isn't coming back. The thing with having sex so soon while you are raw, you will have sex and you will trigger yourself into comparing it to your ex. His smell, his body, his touch, his caress, etc. It's too soon for you. Best to fill the void by internally coping versus seeking external coping measures. Use this time to focus on you, feel your feelings, grieve the pain, and find activities that fulfill you in a positive way. I'm sick of the pain. Of feeling hurt, alone, treated like crap. I'm over it. I am tired and exhausted with all this, with this roller coaster of emotions that one day it seems I'm fine, the next day I miss him and feel lost like I was a ghost in this world. I need to do something. And since moving to a different place, reading, going out is not helping... What other options do I have? I feel like I might wake up from all this by doing something I used to do before the relationship: random sex. And if you think I know the guy, because I met him two years ago and already kissed him, maybe it's less scary than doing it with some stranger. Idk... I'm confused, I'm over being like this, I'm over thinking that my ex feels better for dumping me while I miss him crazy even if he was a terrible partner. I'm over hating that the bad one is the dumper. I'm over thinking about him. I need to do something.
Author JimmyWeezy Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 Like another poster said, you know yourself and what you want. If you can handle it, awesome. If you're seriously questioning it, don't do it. I don't see an issue with it as long as the boundaries are set and you're being safe. However, it's only been 2 weeks. Are you sure it's the sex that you miss or the intimacy with someone? I'm almost at 7 months and I would love to have sex too but I know that personally, I'm not ready. I miss intimacy and just physical touch more than sex. As my best friend and I put it though, sometimes you're just lacking in vitamin D Hahahah vitamin D was a good one! Hahahah you made me smile, thank you Obviously I miss the relationship (the good parts) and I miss him. But what's done it's done and theres nothing I can do so... Idk... Obviously I miss sex too. You say you're not ready to have sex yet after 7 months... Can you dig into this conclusion a bit deeper? Like, what makes you say that?
Zahara Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Two weeks is nothing on the grieving and healing chart. Being sick of the pain doesn't justify doing things that may possibly put you in deeper pain or a bigger hole. Grieving is a rollercoaster. It's normal to feel what you feel and the only way past it is to go through it. Go to the gym. Start a workout plan. Get involved in activities through meetups. Start a hobby or passion that you've left on the wayside. Go and sign up for a volunteering assignment. Take a trip somewhere on your own. So many things you can do to focus internally. Regardless of whether you know the guy or not is not the issue. Did you have sex with him two years ago while you were sporting a broken heart? It's not about whether you know him or not but the emotional state that you are in now. If you really want sex and there are no other motives to you doing this, then go and have sex. If you feel bad after doing it, then stop.
Elle1975 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Terrible idea. I had a fwb type deal offer from my ex coworker, so I asked a similar question. I am glad LS talked me out of it. I knew it was a bad idea, I suppose I just wanted confirmation. I would have felt like crap, on top of what I was already feeling, if I had given in.
Omei Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 In my experience having rebound sex has never been fun I have tried it but its so dull, empty and boring esp when you're thinking about someone else. 1
leavesonautumn Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Hahahah vitamin D was a good one! Hahahah you made me smile, thank you Obviously I miss the relationship (the good parts) and I miss him. But what's done it's done and theres nothing I can do so... Idk... Obviously I miss sex too. You say you're not ready to have sex yet after 7 months... Can you dig into this conclusion a bit deeper? Like, what makes you say that? Well, it's kind of complicated to get into but long story short. My ex and I were on/off for 5 years and I've been left kind of stunned and a bit emotionally traumatized by the experience. The situation I was in was very convoluted and every time we got back together it was just about sex first and evolved from there. I'd rather just be alone for the time being and sex would complicate everything. However, everyone's situation is different. Just from one of your last posts I'd recommend not going through with it. I'm all for sexual freedom but in your case, I think the emotions might confuse things or might make you feel worse and you definitely don't need that right now. Trust me, I know how you're feeling. You're angry and sad and sick of feeling that way. Let yourself heal, work on yourself and move on without adding more complications. Chin up. 1
artsygirl78 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 This is interesting because I am going through the exact same thing right now, and it would have been the last thing I expected. Getting involved with someone physically can be complicated - depending on how quickly you get attached, how much you are really pining away for your ex, you could find yourself more emotionally upset than you started. Basically I am a serial monogamist - I have never had flings and I have never been able to separate being sexually attracted to someone without also "liking" them and wanting to date them/having feelings for them. And after every breakup, I have spent months and months, to even years, without being interested in dating anyone else. For the first time ever, I find myself where you are - recently broken up with someone I really love, within weeks there was a guy that came out of the woodwork - started flirting with me on fb and told me he had been harboring a crush for years. The only reason why I said yes to hanging out with him, is that I know I am ironically not emotionally available for anything else, and as this young guy is not exclusive with anyone he is dating, it makes OK to see him - I thought the timing was perfect and was hoping that by saying "yes" to seeing other guys it would help me. So here's the scoop - at least for me, what the attention gives me is a momentary bright spot in my day, that takes my mind off how much I am horribly missing my ex and wishing he would call me to work things out. HOWEVER - this is not going to speed up my recovery process. This does not take my feelings of emotional loss and pain away. He is a reminder on some level that there are other men out there, but he is also a reminder that he is NOT my ex, who in my heart is still where "home" is, even though I need to move on. It has been a mixed experience, and I have decided that I am OK with other guys taking me out on dates, and with this person maybe I will indeed see him and be physical again, but that as hard and painful as it is, the only way through my emotional grief is that - to sit with my feelings, alone, and get through them. No amount of attention, sexual or otherwise, is going to make the pain go away faster. This is how I am wired, and I have learned something really important about myself, but you might be different. Try to be really honest with yourself about your feelings and what it is you are looking to experience/heal by having casual sex. 1
Author JimmyWeezy Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 This is interesting because I am going through the exact same thing right now, and it would have been the last thing I expected. Getting involved with someone physically can be complicated - depending on how quickly you get attached, how much you are really pining away for your ex, you could find yourself more emotionally upset than you started. Basically I am a serial monogamist - I have never had flings and I have never been able to separate being sexually attracted to someone without also "liking" them and wanting to date them/having feelings for them. And after every breakup, I have spent months and months, to even years, without being interested in dating anyone else. For the first time ever, I find myself where you are - recently broken up with someone I really love, within weeks there was a guy that came out of the woodwork - started flirting with me on fb and told me he had been harboring a crush for years. The only reason why I said yes to hanging out with him, is that I know I am ironically not emotionally available for anything else, and as this young guy is not exclusive with anyone he is dating, it makes OK to see him - I thought the timing was perfect and was hoping that by saying "yes" to seeing other guys it would help me. So here's the scoop - at least for me, what the attention gives me is a momentary bright spot in my day, that takes my mind off how much I am horribly missing my ex and wishing he would call me to work things out. HOWEVER - this is not going to speed up my recovery process. This does not take my feelings of emotional loss and pain away. He is a reminder on some level that there are other men out there, but he is also a reminder that he is NOT my ex, who in my heart is still where "home" is, even though I need to move on. It has been a mixed experience, and I have decided that I am OK with other guys taking me out on dates, and with this person maybe I will indeed see him and be physical again, but that as hard and painful as it is, the only way through my emotional grief is that - to sit with my feelings, alone, and get through them. No amount of attention, sexual or otherwise, is going to make the pain go away faster. This is how I am wired, and I have learned something really important about myself, but you might be different. Try to be really honest with yourself about your feelings and what it is you are looking to experience/heal by having casual sex. Thank you so much. I actually won't do it, for now. I don't care. I guess I need to go through what I need to go through ON MY OWN with no tricks especially because tricks usually backfire. Thank you very much it was very interesting and I see myself in what you have experienced 2
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I had a one-night stand a while after a devastating breakup. The sex was terrible. But you know what? I'm glad I did it. It was good to be reminded that I had physical needs and that I wasn't necessarily dependent on anyone else (I never called that guy ever again, although he clearly thought I would be a good booty call). It really did help my confidence.
loversquarrel Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I'm sick of the pain. Of feeling hurt, alone, treated like crap. I'm over it. I am tired and exhausted with all this, with this roller coaster of emotions that one day it seems I'm fine, the next day I miss him and feel lost like I was a ghost in this world. I need to do something. And since moving to a different place, reading, going out is not helping... What other options do I have? I feel like I might wake up from all this by doing something I used to do before the relationship: random sex. It has been two weeks and you are hurting, as most people do. In saying you need to do something, you have - a lot more than most would have in two weeks such as moving, reading, going out, and its all not helping....so how would this be any different? - Do what you want to do, but no matter you can not escape the inevitable so if you expect it to make you feel better don't get your hopes up. Just a thought - maybe you should try working on yourself during this time and figure out some of the problems you might have brought into the relationship.
daisydook Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Anyway, I'm not interested in him. You should not do this. No.
edgygirl Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I totally get you. I'm in the same place. But 2 weeks is too much of a short time. You're still in shock and you know it. Anything you do now will inevitably feel crappy and you know it. No prude here so that's not the issue. I am 1 month 3 weeks post breakup and only now I am starting to feel a little more like my old self and a little more balanced and seeing things with a little more clarity. Do I want to desperately do something that will feel like he's out of my life FOR REAL? Hell ya. But... the truth is nothing will REALLY do it until I feel I am really starting to move on. I kissed someone last week. And it was only kissing. Then the guy adds me on facebook the next day. Gawd knows how he found me as he didn't know my family name. I felt super disgusted and blocked him. Just giving you an example of how it feels when you're not really ready to be with someone else. Only time heals, that's the sad truth about breakups and that's why it sucks, there's no other cure for it I'm sick of the pain. Of feeling hurt, alone, treated like crap. I'm over it. I am tired and exhausted with all this, with this roller coaster of emotions that one day it seems I'm fine, the next day I miss him and feel lost like I was a ghost in this world. I need to do something. And since moving to a different place, reading, going out is not helping... What other options do I have? I feel like I might wake up from all this by doing something I used to do before the relationship: random sex. And if you think I know the guy, because I met him two years ago and already kissed him, maybe it's less scary than doing it with some stranger. Idk... I'm confused, I'm over being like this, I'm over thinking that my ex feels better for dumping me while I miss him crazy even if he was a terrible partner. I'm over hating that the bad one is the dumper. I'm over thinking about him. I need to do something.
Omei Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I had a one-night stand a while after a devastating breakup. The sex was terrible. But you know what? I'm glad I did it. It was good to be reminded that I had physical needs and that I wasn't necessarily dependent on anyone else (I never called that guy ever again, although he clearly thought I would be a good booty call). It really did help my confidence. Same for me terrible, but nice to know you can attract.
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