NyTransplant Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I am currently under the care of a therapist about the infidelity issues I've experienced, as well as for other issues that are eating at me right now. 1. Wife "sexting" and carrying on with other men on Facebook where I found proof of lying about our relationship status as well as very hurtful exchanged chats between her and the other men... When someone you love starts chatting about wanting to meet them, have sex and get pregnant with them, being in love like a teenager and sharing terms of endearment that should be shared with me, then it's hard to recover from... 2. Being victimized by my ex wife 7 years ago after our divorce when I found out the hard way what "parental alienation" meant... Was not invited to my twin sons' graduation, 18th birthday, was shunned by them and even cursed at by them... What type of brainwashing occurred??? 3. Friend was a victim of cancer, as well as infidelity by his wife after his diagnosis, which actually was for a benign tumor, which was treatable and not life threatening... It was the infidelity that did him in, with a self inflicted bullet wound to his temple, after a previous attempt on his own life with pills... I think these events warranted quick response by me and immediate treatment by going to counseling and therapy. Only thing is my wife knows I knew about the sexting and EA on Facebook, which fortunately, did not result in divorce or separation. Just wondering how she'll take the news... Will she think less of me as a "weakling" or will she be supportive. Hopefully it will be the latter, because of what part she had in my ill feelings... Any and all feedback appreciated!!! Thanks!
Owl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 You didn't confront her directly about the FB messages and such? Instead...you sought therapy for yourself?
carhill Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 OP, sorry for the loss of your friend. To me, it sounds like this bit of IC is due to cumulative events in your life, markedly the circumstances surrounding this male friend and his ultimate death and how your observations of your wife's behavior are perhaps a trigger. How long have you been in IC? What tasking has occurred? IOW, what processes has the IC laid out to work the bulleted items? Respecting Owl's question, would you say this path is customary for you or, in your past, were you confident about asserting boundaries and confronting behaviors you felt were unacceptable? IME, overwhelmingly, both being married and not, if a wife/lover/girlfriend isn't sufficiently attracted and committed, such revelations, especially if you go into details about how you feel, will cast you into the weakling role, as a man doesn't complain, rather handles his issues privately and puts on a strong and confident public face, even to his SO. Given your point number 1, it appears her attraction is middling, at best, so I'd work the issues in private and gather evidence and confront her in a confident and productive way when you're ready. 2
Owl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I'm going to echo some of what Carhill says...and where I was headed with my questions. Women cannot respect a man that they can treat like dirt and get away with it. I'm NOT saying that women want to be mistreated or disrespected, nor deserve to be so. I'm simply saying that women can't respect a man that ACCEPTS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. And...women struggle in maintaining romantic love for a man they cannot respect. Her actions...the messaging and such, were highly disrespectful of you. Doing nothing to correct that situation will very likely cause her to feel less respect for you...to view you as weak. Seeking therapy, rather than directly addressing the problem...may well cause her to lose respect for you...to view you as weak...and cause her to feel justified in her poor behaviors and actions. Directly address the problem...and at the same time, you can seek reasons why you felt that you couldn't do so directly with your therapist. 3
Realist3 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I'm sorry to say this, but you come across as weak. You are being stepped on left and right. Try and work on your self esteem issues with your counselor. Exert some control. 1
Author NyTransplant Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 Just started counseling last week. When I found out about the EA, I confronted her there and then. We were at the laundry when her phone buzzed from a chat alert. She was in the restroom and I opened the phone to see a long chat string that began in September, 2013, two months before we were to be married. Last month, I checked an old phone she was sending to her daughter in the Philippines, and uncovered two other men she was Facebook friends with. The first string began in April, 2013, four months after we started dating exclusively, and she lied about her marital status, saying she was still single. The other string began in October, 2013, one month before our wedding, and she lied about being single too. I told her that when someone asks to be a friend on Facebook, tell the truth, and don't act like everyone there is out for a booty call (well maybe the majority of people there are...)... I told her to immediately stop contacting them, erase them from her friends, delete the contacts on her phone, and have NC with any strange men who want to be her friend there. Since she's not computer savvy, arrived in the US in 2006, she's been sheltered with her job, which was a 7 day a week caregiver job in a nursing home. No social life, no dating other than online and no contact with men or women... Still no excuse for that behavior since all men and women know that contacting the opposite sex in that manner while in a committed relationship is cheating... Just torn between whether I should tell her or remain on track with counseling to see if all these issues can be resolved in my mind, so that we can resume our relationship with all that crap in the past...
Sub Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I'm with Realist on this one. Who gives a sh*t how she'll take the news? Take some control and tell her you're doing what's best for you. Explain why you're doing it, pretty much exactly what you just posted here. 2
Author NyTransplant Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 Very true. I'm not a confrontational person, but in this instance, I made my voice heard loud and clear. I was not going to tolerate any type of cheating or infidelity, I was going to make sure it was worth rebuilding trust and that no secrets or hidden agendas were to be tolerated, otherwise it's over... The cajones are there, and it's just a matter as to how I'll discuss it with her about my current therapy sessions. I'm definitely going to be firm about it, no holding back, and truly directly to the point. The past hurts, the truth hurts, but it would hurt more keeping it all inside...
jackslife Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 You found your wife having intimate conversations on Facebook with other men, did nothing about it, but worry about how she'll think about you for seeking counselling partly caused by her actions? Yes she will see you as a weakling, so don't tell her. Clearly you have a lot of issues to deal with so IC is a very good idea for you. Your relationship with your sons is something you can work on overtime and your IC can help with this. The death of your friend is sad and you need to grieve for him, but that is a something we all have to face at some time, and you will grieve for him and come to terms with that over time. However, your wifes behaviour is shocking and you need to decide what type of marriage you want and how to achieve it. If you don't want a wife who sexts other men you need to confront her and sort the problem out. If you have confidence and confrontation issues then your IC will help you with these. But you need to nip your wifes behaviour in the bud soon. Hope it works out okay for you.
dichotomy Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) I am currently under the care of a therapist about the infidelity issues I've experienced, as well as for other issues that are eating at me right now. 1. Wife "sexting" and carrying on with other men on Facebook where I found proof of lying about our relationship status as well as very hurtful exchanged chats between her and the other men... When someone you love starts chatting about wanting to meet them, have sex and get pregnant with them, being in love like a teenager and sharing terms of endearment that should be shared with me, then it's hard to recover from... 2. Being victimized by my ex wife 7 years ago after our divorce when I found out the hard way what "parental alienation" meant... Was not invited to my twin sons' graduation, 18th birthday, was shunned by them and even cursed at by them... What type of brainwashing occurred??? 3. Friend was a victim of cancer, as well as infidelity by his wife after his diagnosis, which actually was for a benign tumor, which was treatable and not life threatening... It was the infidelity that did him in, with a self inflicted bullet wound to his temple, after a previous attempt on his own life with pills... I think these events warranted quick response by me and immediate treatment by going to counseling and therapy. Only thing is my wife knows I knew about the sexting and EA on Facebook, which fortunately, did not result in divorce or separation. Just wondering how she'll take the news... Will she think less of me as a "weakling" or will she be supportive. Hopefully it will be the latter, because of what part she had in my ill feelings... Any and all feedback appreciated!!! Thanks! Number 1 - drag her ass into Couples therapy. Find a no bs marriage therapist. Phone interviews or references are best to find the right person - don't go to one blind who will start asking about what role you had in the EA/FB sexting but will hit it head on and make her accountable - then dig into your marriage. Numbers 2-3 Go to IC -and KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Show NO weakness or insecurity to your wife. Best think you can do now is act (I mean really fake it - pretend your fing James Bond)....a badass dud who takes no more crap and feels like he can and should get the best from a woman. I know you don't feel that way and your hurting. Oh and if your not working out and getting out of the home and away from her for small periods of time with friends or others - start right now. One last thought - what ever evidence you have gotten of her cheating - keep copies (print off FB chats or whatever) and start spying on everything she does - computer monitoring, cell phones, her car, bank records, everything. Hire a PI if needed. Just don't act suspicious anymore - just dig and observe. Aslo consult a lawyer - not to divorce, but to know what the options are. Edited July 17, 2014 by dichotomy 2
Bryanp Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 The obvious suggestion: 1. Get tested for STD's. 2. See a lawyer and divorce her. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be acting like you? IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?
Author NyTransplant Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 I confronted her once it occurred in front of my face on her phone... That's proof that both her and I saw at that exact moment that other person told her he loved her and called her "honey". On the old phone she was giving away to her daughter, luckily there were chats, contacts and texts still on the phone memory (not sim card), and I took numerous screenshots of the incriminating evidence. I am nice, in the sense that I respect people, but not the weak, doormat "nice guy" type. I'm strong now, even when I found out, and didn't freak out or cry or show emotion once it happened. I just stayed at an even keel and kept my voice normal as a strong person should. I'm not wandering the streets looking for pity, nor am I holding my head down waiting for people to ask "what's wrong"... My emotions are always in check and if I feel heated or down, I just shake it off and go on. I'm cautious but not paranoid...
Owl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 OK...so has she complied with your boundaries? Has she stopped her behaviors? Has she demonstrated true remorse, and has worked to fix the damage she's done to your marriage? Have you considered marriage counseling? As far as whether or not to tell her about your IC...I think you tell her that you're going to an IC to 'work on some things'. She probably doesn't need nor want specifics. 2
bubbaganoosh Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 The purpose for going to a therapist and that is to resolve your issues and your wife is a real big issue. If you choose not to bring this up with the doctor, then your defeating the reason for being there and throwing good money after bad not to mention wasting your time and the doctors. The doctor isn't a mind reader so either open up and talk about your issues and get them squared away or live like your living now and that isn't any way to live. If your wife gets pissed about it, then let her know that if she would have behaved like a wife, it wouldn't need to be brought out. Her actions are playing hell on you and it's time you let her carry her own dirty laundry around he own neck. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 1. Wife "sexting" and carrying on with other men on Facebook J The first string began in April, 2013, four months after we started dating exclusively, and she lied about her marital status, saying she was still single. The other string began in October, 2013, one month before our wedding, and she lied about being single too. I'm confused. Were these sexual exchanges with pictures and intimate details or conversations where she just lied about her marital status? If it's the latter, I'd be willing to try and work things out. If it's the former, I'd be gone... Mr. Lucky
Author NyTransplant Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 I have screenshots of the exchanges and the one where she's chatting intimately with the guy actually started before meeting me, but ended Sept. 2013 before we married. The other two exchanges were when she accepted their Facebook friend requests (she didn't know all three to begin with), but for some reason lied about her marital status or exclusivity with our relationship. The first guy who she met before me, the chats were more like "getting to know you", but degraded to romantic talk and having a life together. The content of the others were more like "adding" more guys to her list of friends to chat with. No physical meetings occurred at all. I actually told her about my therapy and it was met with positive results. I said that I needed to do it and if she was willing to work things out (we're not at each other's throats, nor are we stressed or worried about the relationship), she should seek counseling for her part in this circus...
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 The first guy who she met before me, the chats were more like "getting to know you", but degraded to romantic talk and having a life together. Then I agree with others - your response seems muted and passive. How could she have a life with him unless she left you ? Physical meeting or not, this is infidelity. There are specific steps to recover from this and much info on the transparency and commitment she'd need to demonstrate going forward. Do some research here... Mr. Lucky
10thengineerharrison Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Think about this: Why do you want to be married to this person? You haven't been married long, and seem to have different ideas about commitment. That's okay, you're different people. But it might be best to admit to these fundamental differences now, before you get in too deep (like having kids), and let one another go. -10th Engineer Harrison
SoleMate Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 ...[i'm] going to counseling and therapy....Just wondering how she'll take the news... Will she think less of me as a "weakling" or will she be supportive[?] First order, you shouldn't have to care about this. Taking care of yourself is the right thing to do. A caring spouse will be supportive. If yours isn't, that's her problem. If she thinks less of you for getting counseling to cope with painful events in your life, well then......that's just really mean.
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