Missy0724 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Hi. I'm new here; found this forum and it's been great reading all the great advice. I'm feeling very weak and sick right now. My BF broke up with me three weeks ago and I'm really struggling. I know part of it is normal, but right now I'm feeling the worse I've ever felt. History: together 10 months. Best friends, so much more. He came on strong and crazy about me in the beginning. Of course I fell for that and all the wonderful that it was. We grew closer and closer. We both have intimacy issues, from divorces, childhoods, etc. He had some addiction issues, but went to rehab, got clean, is clean (as far as I know, and from what I saw when with him.) He was open and honest with me and shared a lot of his history with me. Maybe not everything, bc I wanted to focus on the now, and our future. He also still wrapped up in ex wife a bit; angry at her for ending the marriage. Again, I tried to be understanding, talk about it, but didn't want all focus be on all these past issues... I felt, if you choosing to be with me, loving me, lets concentrate on us! And we were for awhile - until I felt him pulling away, he would get upset when I did ask him if he still had unresolved feelings for ex, etc. Here is where it got confusing - he said he pulling away bc he felt he couldn't get closer to me, grow, open up, bc I'd get upset every time he brought up his ex! Duh! Any one would get somewhat upset, knowing he not sure how he felt about her... I'd ask him, "are you still in love with her?" I don't know was his reply. Or "once you love someone, don't you love them forever?" I'd tell him, not always! And sure, memories, keeping past loves in your heart ok. But his stuff went farther than that - he dating me, we pretty darn close, but he not ok with ex dating? Couldn't be in same room as her, even for the kids' sakes, for their activities. And I surely wasn't going to be invited, even though I'd met his kids... I told him that makes me feel excluded! What's the big deal? Any way - lots of drama on his end re: ex and also his dysfunctional, codependent family. Made me uncomfortable. We had issues, I tried and tried to let him know this stuff with ex hurtful to me. I get that he's only one year post divorce, still in recovery, etc. but loved him because he was a great friend, yes, there for me, doing lots of things for me, etc. He's from family money, so was able to give and do nice things for me, couple of nice trips, out to dinner, activities, etc. Sure, that was all great, but not what I was looking for. Looking for a man to see me in his future, make me feel like a priority. It was SO hard to feel that from him bc I knew he had someone else in his head. And while I know this, he's telling me, I love you, I'm in love with you. ??? But you don't see a future with me? What? We're spending all this time together, meet kids, being intimate, but slowly he started pulling away. Less time, more busy... All those typical behaviors we all know...when it's starting to end... So he breaks up with me. Says, "I can't love you the way you want me to." what? But I love you, I'm in love with you. He tells me this when he's ending it. But "lets be friends. I think if we remove the romantic part, we can be close friends." NOT what I want. I'm heartbroken. But try the friend thing. It's been over two weeks. We've both reached out to each other, of course I emailed him few times. Just good stuff, but why I frustrated, but also what I've learned. And what I want in a relationship, moving forward. Wishes him well, we both great people, blah blah blah. So then he starts calling me. We've been doing ok, changing to friends, small talk, etc. but honestly I conflicted. Sometimes after conversation I would feel good that we both adults and can do this. Then at times I'd feel sad, missing the romantic part. He'd end conversation with, I love you. Which I know he means. As just a friend now. So yesterday I asked if we could get together in person. I've been feeling there was some hope. Maybe he not sure he did right thing, breaking up. Maybe bc we've talked calmly about our issues, he thinks we can try again. And I'm in a better place, understanding more about his dynamic, love all of him, in spite of issues. I know my part in why things fell apart. Yes, it usually involves both people. He says no, can't get together because I have plans. Joking around I ask him, why, do you have a date? This is three weeks after break up... And he says, Yes. I don't want to lie to you. I'm crushed. How can someone tell you they love you, am in love with you, and 21 days later be ready to date, try find love again??? I know it's prob a rebound thing, about him and his inability to be alone, etc. all that stuff... But I'm sick to my stomach. So sad, having hard time functioning here. I'm pissed this person has this power over me. I'm pissed I gave him friendship post break up. I said I could do it. Now I can't, don't want to. Just because he's moving on? I'm feeling angry, sad, guilty if I end friendship now, just bc I know now he's dating, out there meeting new people. Wow, yes, I guess we really are so replaceable. I'm certainly not ready to date! I'm in mourning! I'm mature enough to know dating would be unfair to me, or any person, bc I'm NOT over him or done mourning! And he is? After 10 months together! I'm trying so so hard to understand this... I know all the logical reasons, but I can't seem to get a grip on my emotions. Please help me - I need some tough love. I hate to walk away from one of my best friends. The guilt will hurt me so much. But I know I have to do what's right for me. In order to move on. He has been my rock, such a good friend, because I have my stuff, too. He's been a really good, supportive friend. Yes, great friend, crappy boyfriend. I'm trying to accept that, so we can remain friends. And great friendships are pretty rare. Really hard to let go. I've never been able to stay friends with exes. Amicable, sure. But this so different. And I've been in a lot of relationships... Please help me. I'm not ready to hear about his dating stories. Right now I don't want to talk to him at all. But I'm afraid in a few days or so, I'll miss him checking in on me, etc. I don't want that though. I want to go NC. Please give me words of wisdom. Thanks!
Philosoraptor Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Yes it was a rebound thing, sadly you were a rebound as well. He came on strong with all sorts of lavish words while clearly still holding anger and resentment at his ex, and admitted he was still possibly in love with her? He's bouncing again, sadly you were the previous bounce. You need to go cold turkey with this guy as you were heavily invested and he wasn't invested in the slightest. 1
learning_slowly Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 You need to realise you are important. You went in to a relationship that was full of baggage. But maybe you didn't know until too late? Next time, realise you are worth more than that. If he was making an effort, e.g. he was going to counseling and giving you updates on his progress and you saw changes then maybe it would have been worth staying. But otherwise, next time, get out as fast as possible. As for coping, there are loads of threads on here. But really it boils down to: keep busy. And after a certain time you will forget. There is no quick solution. Good luck.
Author Missy0724 Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 Yes, I hear you. He told me snippets of his therapy sessions. Only what he wanted to share. Many times I'd ask how it went and he'd tell me he didn't want to share. So I would be confused, what is he hiding? We agreed we wanted to share, trust, grow...but with terms? Limitations? This went on for 10 months! And when I would check in every couple months, "how are you feeling about ex?", he still admitted he angry at her, not ok with her seeing someone, etc. And this would concern me. You are with me, telling me you love me, we are sharing our bodies...but your ex obviously on your mind a lot! I felt betrayed a bit, like that is emotional cheating. I have morals! Boundaries! I would never choose to be in an exclusive relationship, if still confused about feelings for another! So irresponsible and immature! So I would pull away, we get in heated argument. He would turn it around on me, and tell me now his feelings changing because HE can't trust me, he can't open up to me and tell me these kinds of things, bc I'll get upset. ??? Of course I'll get upset! It's a double edged sword, I get it. Sorry, my boyfriend whom I adore and want to adore only me, has another on his mind. To the point he's in therapy once a week, still dreaming about her, can't share that with me of course, won't be included in kids activities if she is there...??? Why? I know why now... Took me awhile to get a clue... I was a rebound, used, he got what he wanted from me, and I tolerated it. Was too understanding, I suppose codependent myself! So wrong of me! But I loved him, understood a lot of it. Was hoping things would get better, he'd be so in love with me, that her memory would fade. But that couldn't happen bc they share young children and she in his face all the time, still manipulating him, punishing him for cheating on her, "causing" the divorce, taking her meal ticket away. Very spoiled woman. Used to his family money. So disgusting. And he just allows it, no boundaries. Because of his own shame, plus maybe thinks he does owe her something...I don't know. Good luck to him, if he never lets go and has his own life. I don't think any self respecting, independent woman would want to be part of that mess. Unless she is only after his money. He does have that to offer, falls back on that! Yes, he courted me, wined and dined me, two vacations...oh yeah. Great. Sorry, not good enough for me, not really what I was looking for... I'm a bit better than that and deserve more than material crap. Glad it's over - he can't give what a real, healthy woman wants. Emotional intimacy, best friend, no secrets. He can't because he has too many secrets, made a lot of very poor choices, bc he has no boundaries, low morals. And says, "oh, I'm a sex addict". Please. Sleeping with your wife's best friend? That's the lowest of the low. Gross. God, so pissed at myself for falling for his charm and BS for so long. Done! Some day someone amazing will come along and finally show me what real love is. That is worth waiting for, and I'd rather be alone, than with wrong person, someone where I'm just an option, not a priority. No way! I'm staying strong! Keep thinking positive and remembering all the red flags vs the good parts. And forgive myself, and him. He did the best he could given his background, tools, no boundaries, no morals, life built around money and privilege, everyone just does what they please, take what they want...why he cheated. Bc he thought he had that right! Sex addict my ass! Sick of that excuse! Grow up, be a man, have self control. Never again!!!
DandelionGirl Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Oh girl, this guy should have made sure he was over his ex-wife before he went into a relationship again... I'm sorry you had to deal with this and guys really do have a special way of making you believe they're there for the long run. This is the most hurtful thing. Because it hurts to be lied to and betrayed. Try to think about this guy being really irresponsible in jumping into a relationship with you like that instead of dealing with his own issues first. That'll help you get over him because immaturity has no place in an adult relationship. 1
Author Missy0724 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 Yes, we all know this is so true. Thanks for the reminder! It's awesome to come on LS and get that tough love we so need! Because the issue is, the disconnect between our heads and our hearts. We all need to listen when we are told, "I don't want to be with you." "I'm too busy". "You deserve to be loved better..." No one who wanted us, to keep us, if we were of any true value and priority to them - would speak those words to us. Or show those kinds of actions. If you want to be with someone, the other person knows, no doubt. That is healthy love. This recent one was NOT for me. And not in your case either! I'm on day 5 of NC and no turning back. I hope you will do the same! No contact at all! He made his choice - now respect that, and yourself! I'm doing the same! Stay strong sister! We rock! We deserve a man to cherish and value that, no exceptions! Never settle! Next time, watch for those red flags, ask questions, make space for yourself, make him do the work! And if a man cannot - he's not ready, and or doesn't care about you. Plain and simple!
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