edgygirl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 My best girlfriend said something interesting that got me thinking for days. Right after a breakup, obviously mainly if they were the dumpers, guys usually feel a great relief. They feel "single" and open to new possibilities and happy about it. Right after a breakup, women feel like they can't leave without the guy, they go to great lengths to fix things, convince the guy to stay, etc. After a few weeks/months, things turn. Men start to realize what they had and lost, mainly after a few disappointments while dating other women; while women start to think why was I even with that guy? I feel it's happening to me. The distance and NC made me see things more clearly and I am starting to wonder if we were even a good match at all. Perhaps this has to do with women being more feelers and men more rational so we need to cool off the feelings before thinking clearly? (in relation to personality types, Myers Briggs etc.) Would love to hear some insights although I know that of course each case is different and it's impossible to really generalize per sex, saying all men or women behave in the same way. 2
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Are you talking about dumpers or dumpees? Because "Right after a breakup, women feel like they can't leave without the guy, they go to great lengths to fix things, convince the guy to stay, etc." doesn't sound like how female dumper acts. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I don't think this is a guy/girl thing at all. More like a dumper/dumpee thing. 9
Author edgygirl Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 somedude! I remember you from around the time I joined good to see you. You know, even when I had dumped guys I had conflicting feelings... I know it does depend a lot on who dumped who, but I do believe guys feel kind of a rush to be single again, more than women do. For all kinds of reasons: i.e. not having the responsibility to take things further (marry someone, etc) even when guys ARE into someone they have sort of a cold feet about committing "forever". I don't know, what my friend said seemed to make sense to me and I wanted to check what guys think. I assume though most guys who come to this section of LS have been dumped and will probably not really agree with my friend's concept. 2
Author edgygirl Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 Okay. Can you expand on that then? Do you think dumpers feel immediate relief right after but start to see what they lost after some time has passed? Thing is, the cases where I saw that I took someone for granted after dumping them were only 1-2. Usually when I dump someone it's because I really don't see a future with them or I don't have feelings for them. I don't think this is a guy/girl thing at all. More like a dumper/dumpee thing.
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 somedude! I remember you from around the time I joined good to see you. Heh, I'm always here. But you seem to come and go You know, even when I had dumped guys I had conflicting feelings... I know it does depend a lot on who dumped who, but I do believe guys feel kind of a rush to be single again, more than women do. For all kinds of reasons: i.e. not having the responsibility to take things further (marry someone, etc) even when guys ARE into someone they have sort of a cold feet about committing "forever". Hmm, so you've had conflicted feelings when you've dumped guys? Did you second guess yourself? As for how guys feel when dumping a girl, I've never dumped anybody so I can't comment on that. I've been dumped once, and my ex didn't seem to have conflicting feelings at all. She was instantly cold to me and refused to see me or even talk on the phone. I'm sure she felt free and single, able to live for herself and do whatever the hell she wanted. I don't know, what my friend said seemed to make sense to me and I wanted to check what guys think. I assume though most guys who come to this section of LS have been dumped and will probably not really agree with my friend's concept. As for your friends comments, Simon Phoenix seems correct. If a guy is dumped, he's not going to feel free and single and open to new possibilities. That's how a dumper feels regardless of their gender.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Okay. Can you expand on that then? Do you think dumpers feel immediate relief right after but start to see what they lost after some time has passed? Thing is, the cases where I saw that I took someone for granted after dumping them were only 1-2. Usually when I dump someone it's because I really don't see a future with them or I don't have feelings for them. I think that dumpers go through a lot of the emotional part on their own and come to terms with that part of the breakup before they actually break up, therefore when the deed is done, they feel like a weight has been lifted. Then sometimes (not all the time obviously) they look back on it after time and start to miss parts of the dumpee that they took for granted or even that they were annoyed by before. Of course, this isn't a 100 percent certainty (or even 25-50 percent), but dumpers are more likely to go from "yes, I'm done!" to "maybe I shouldn't have done that" than dumpees are. Dumpees are usually blindsided, therefore they are extremely emotional and put the dumper on a pedestal and are looking for any and all ways to get that person back in the beginning. However, time tends to chip away and topple the pedestal and dumpees are usually much more open to seeing what's out there several months after being broken up than they are at the time it happens. Either way, assigning male and female roles to breakups is pretty lazy IMO. The dumper/dumpee dynamic is a heck of a lot more relevant. 3
carhill Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I've only had a few significant relationships and one marriage and, to me, it always felt like a death, no matter which 'side' I was on. Perhaps that's outlier for a man, IDK. There was a period of grief. With LTR's, I generally didn't date for six months to a year after a relationship ended and, TBH, since I got divorced back in '10, I really haven't felt like dating, though I did a bit while separated. I don't think that's because of grief, but do recall the actual grief period lasting about as long as the divorce process, which took about 18 months. IMO, the processing depends on the person's emotional style. Some people can easily move from one attachment to another. Some have a harder time. I tend to fall into the latter category. Most of my male friends are the former. They get drunk, hit on some chicks, and move on. It certainly works for them. Perhaps I'm a bit envious of that. 3
emotionalMess Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 We wonder what the dumper feels even though we all know this is counter-productive. I know I was awesome to her so it is just natural for me to wonder at what levels did she ever miss me. Dumper could very easily be thinking: a) Not at all, it was such a relief that he is gone. b) I think of him all the time and miss him and question if I made the right choice but there is no going back now. c) I think of him on occasion but the past is the past. d) none of the above You just never know what impact you had on another person. The sad thing is, more than likely you will never know and you have to accept this before you can fully move on. 1
music_and_poetry Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 My best girlfriend said something interesting that got me thinking for days. Right after a breakup, obviously mainly if they were the dumpers, guys usually feel a great relief. They feel "single" and open to new possibilities and happy about it. Right after a breakup, women feel like they can't leave without the guy, they go to great lengths to fix things, convince the guy to stay, etc. After a few weeks/months, things turn. Men start to realize what they had and lost, mainly after a few disappointments while dating other women; while women start to think why was I even with that guy? I feel it's happening to me. The distance and NC made me see things more clearly and I am starting to wonder if we were even a good match at all. Perhaps this has to do with women being more feelers and men more rational so we need to cool off the feelings before thinking clearly? (in relation to personality types, Myers Briggs etc.) Would love to hear some insights although I know that of course each case is different and it's impossible to really generalize per sex, saying all men or women behave in the same way. I'm not sure, I've been a fan of NC for years and in the cases of me being the dumpee the space does seem to have an effect on the dumper when they were guys. Even my one ex who was a mutually agreed split called me 7 times in a row after I called him once after 2 months no contact. They get curious even if they don't want you back. Same goes for another ex who started asking others about me for information since he couldn't reach me. Another one tried the friendship card so we could stay in contact - nope! In some cases these men did want me back, in others just wanted to fill the void. So yes, I do think distance makes some impact but it doesn't always mean they're going to want you back. 1
Griesfootball Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I don't think this is a guy/girl thing at all. More like a dumper/dumpee thing. Yeah no matter if the dumper is boy or girl they will feel free while the dumpee boy or girl will want them back
Elle1975 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Do you mean from a "dumper"s perspective? If that's what you mean, once I break up with someone, I don't look back. I have good reasons, and that's that. I don't do "dumper" for a living. I'm not a "dumpee" either. We can't categorize people that way. Most people have been on both sides of the fence. Sometimes someone will break up with you and later down the road regret their decision. More often than not, they just keep on living. It's not gender based.
Author edgygirl Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) That's what I'm talking about, yes. I know it sounds like it's more of a dumpee/dumper thing, but I have a sixth sense that no matter if you're a dumper or a dumpee, it does feel a little differently depending on the gender. I mean, men and women ARE different in many ways, I don't see why it's such an absurd theory that reactions to certain things would not be different and somewhat influenced by the gender. (I know those of you pro gender equality or feminists etc will now cringe, but hey, this is a discussion group and I think it's a fair point). I'm not sure, I've been a fan of NC for years and in the cases of me being the dumpee the space does seem to have an effect on the dumper when they were guys. Even my one ex who was a mutually agreed split called me 7 times in a row after I called him once after 2 months no contact. They get curious even if they don't want you back. Same goes for another ex who started asking others about me for information since he couldn't reach me. Another one tried the friendship card so we could stay in contact - nope! In some cases these men did want me back, in others just wanted to fill the void. So yes, I do think distance makes some impact but it doesn't always mean they're going to want you back. Edited July 18, 2014 by edgygirl
JBlackstone Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I don't think it's a gender thing. Fresh from a pretty mutual breakup, as the female, I definitely felt a sense of relief, whereas my ex kept saying how miserable he was and his life sucked, etc., even though he also wanted to end things. We are only two weeks in and have not spoken so I cannot say how he feels now but I definitely have been having some sad moments but still generally feel glad that the relationship has ended. 1
Elle1975 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I am not a pro gender and I am not a feminist. Don't stick me in a box because my answer doesn't sit well with yours. I just look at the posts here, and I see heartache taking over people's lives no matter the gender. If I agree that men and women have a different way to convey their feelings, I don't see all men as players and all females as fools. People grieve in all different kind of ways. What you described is one of them, but it's not a norm. The last time I broke up with someone was a couple years ago or so. He lied a lot and cowardice was one of his traits. My only regret at the time as a "dumper" was to have wasted time in this relationship. I did not, and still do not, miss the guy.
BC1980 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I mean, men and women ARE different in many ways, I don't see why it's such an absurd theory that reactions to certain things would not be different and somewhat influenced by the gender. (I know those of you pro gender equality or feminists etc will now cringe, but hey, this is a discussion group and I think it's a fair point). I don't think you understand the concepts of gender equality or feminism. Both ideas simply mean that you feel there should be equal rights and opportunities for both men and women. For example, men and women should get paid the same amount for doing the same job. These concepts say nothing about men and women being the same or interchangeable when it comes to emotions. Obviously, there are many differences on that account, and men and women should, ideally, complement one another. 3
Author edgygirl Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Well well. I have NEVER broke up with someone because of another person. And I am very experienced and been with many many people. I have a really really open mind about relationships in general, but I find people who look for someone else for real while still in a relationship quite disgusting to be honest. If you feel like looking for someone else, break up first! Most of the women I've known around here who broke up with a guy always did so when they had another guy lined up. They always wound up moving on to the next guy almost immediately. Like others have pointed out, I don't think it has as much to do with gender as it does who initiates the breakup. 1
Author edgygirl Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Hu? I was talking in general because I know what kind of answers might come after the phrase I posted, I honestly didn't think about you at all while posting that phrase. I actually really like your posts in LS by the way. Although I confess I didn't identify that much with your post on this specific thread, but in no way the other post was a reference to you! I never said all men are players or all women are fools, not sure where this is came from. If you're any familiar with MBTI / Briggs Myers theory, statistics say that man have more rational functions and women have more feelings functions (but if you're not familiar with MBTI it will be hard for you to understand what I'm referring to). So in my mind it's also interesting to see things from a psychological viewpoint. I am not a pro gender and I am not a feminist. Don't stick me in a box because my answer doesn't sit well with yours. I just look at the posts here, and I see heartache taking over people's lives no matter the gender. If I agree that men and women have a different way to convey their feelings, I don't see all men as players and all females as fools. People grieve in all different kind of ways. What you described is one of them, but it's not a norm. The last time I broke up with someone was a couple years ago or so. He lied a lot and cowardice was one of his traits. My only regret at the time as a "dumper" was to have wasted time in this relationship. I did not, and still do not, miss the guy.
Author edgygirl Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Yes I understand your point, but I really wouldn't want this to become a thread on that kind of discussion. I think men and women are different biologically (which includes our brains and reactions to thinks from a psychological viewpoint), and what I was trying to avoid is this thread to become a "feminist" discussion or so. I would love to hear more on how gender does play some role on how people behave and feel after a breakup, no matter if they were dumper/dumpee. I don't think you understand the concepts of gender equality or feminism. Both ideas simply mean that you feel there should be equal rights and opportunities for both men and women. For example, men and women should get paid the same amount for doing the same job. These concepts say nothing about men and women being the same or interchangeable when it comes to emotions. Obviously, there are many differences on that account, and men and women should, ideally, complement one another.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 You'd love to hear it, but I really don't think it exists, at least not on the macro level. Sure, there are individual instances where your theory checks out, but I don't think it's nearly as overarching as you want it to be. While there are inherent differences in the way men and women process certain things, my experience in my life and in reading posts on here for nearly two years doesn't really seem to jibe with this viewpoint that you are trying really hard to push. Pigeonholing reactions by gender seems to be a lazy, fast-food way of explaining breakup dynamics, at least as an overarching theory. 1
somedude81 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Well well. I have NEVER broke up with someone because of another person. And I am very experienced and been with many many people. I have a really really open mind about relationships in general, but I find people who look for someone else for real while still in a relationship quite disgusting to be honest. If you feel like looking for someone else, break up first! While I d like your post and your actions, I do believe he is right. My only GF left her BF to be with me. I don't know if she left me for another guy or not, though I wouldn't be surprised if she had a new BF now
Author edgygirl Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Sorry - it's not even MY theory, I just like the idea of this theory. You already said you don't believe in it, it's fine. I want to find some people here who are willing to discuss it, I don't want to prove anything, lol. You'd love to hear it, but I really don't think it exists, at least not on the macro level. Sure, there are individual instances where your theory checks out, but I don't think it's nearly as overarching as you want it to be. While there are inherent differences in the way men and women process certain things, my experience in my life and in reading posts on here for nearly two years doesn't really seem to jibe with this viewpoint that you are trying really hard to push. Pigeonholing reactions by gender seems to be a lazy, fast-food way of explaining breakup dynamics, at least as an overarching theory.
Author edgygirl Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Thank you Claire. That's exactly the type of discussion I'm interested in having. I do think genders behave differently after breakups. Really, thank you! Then you live in a weird society. Women usually try to make a relationship work. Most relationships are ended by women...by no means all. In general women feel sad afterwards...men feel lonely. Women tend to be relieved but emotionally drained. Men can get back on the horse and start looking for their next partner...women tend to do more emotional hibernation. Of course,there are all types of exceptions.
Author edgygirl Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) I live here too. It CAN be disgusting for everyone, not only for men. My point is - it is not only women who are disgusting here as you seem to have implied in your first post. Can't you see that? That's surprising. In any case - you might be looking for people based on the wrong reasons - "total knockout" seems important to you, and your female friends seem shallow idiots. To base a whole gender in shallow people seems wrong. I live in the USA. East coast area. I admit that the dating pool here seems to be more shallow than most places, I even had to find a girl that lived elsewhere. I had a conversation about this sort of thing with a couple female acquaintances at school. One of them was bi###ing about her boyfriend, but didn't want to leave him because she was afraid she wouldn't find someone else. So, according to her, she was going to stick with him until a time that she met someone else she likes. Her friend, who is a total knockout, agreed that she would do the same. She said many women do this so that they don't have that lonely, post breakup feeling. Edited July 18, 2014 by edgygirl
Simon Phoenix Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Sorry - it's not even MY theory, I just like the idea of this theory. You already said you don't believe in it, it's fine. I want to find some people here who are willing to discuss it, I don't want to prove anything, lol. You've had a pretty significant majority disagree with it, but you keep trying to suppress that for some reason and talk up the one person who actually agreed with your friend's theory. Doesn't really seem like you are interested in a back-and-forth conversation, just a conversation that supports your initial premise. Like I said before, I think there are individuals out there from the male and female gender than follow the characteristics of your friend's theory. But in my experience, the vast majority do not. There seems to be a more overarching correlation between dumper and dumpees in regards to those behaviors than a correlation between man and woman. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but you seem to be looking more for confirmation than for actual discussion.
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