darkmoon Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) some will say...yes, help a friend 100% but my friend likes gambling scratch cards, she is always broke as she borrows £20 from me, her neighbour, her dad, and the bastard who sells her the scatch cards too she expects to borrow money, she does pay it back okay, but she owes credit card companies money too and can only meet minimum repayments, she gambles on her credit cards here is my problem...if i lend her money, because i plan my finances i live within my means, so in lending her money, my rithym of out-goings is messed up, so i warned her not to expect a bonanza, i have the spare money, but she is spending my money quicker than i am myself so....i am trying to work out how to handle this sense of invasion into my wallet...in an emergency okay, but regular bail-outs to a fifty year old make me feel uncomfortable.. i feel like telling her to ask the scratch card vendor to pay her back, i prolly will, she sees him as a friend, i see a douche any thoughts? Edited July 17, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Your friend gambles so therefore you shouldn't be lending her money. Helping a friend who really is in need of money is one thing. I've done it a few times. But, I won't enable someone who has the cash to go gamble! Don't even open that door. Don't offer and if she asks just say you can't and ask her to speak to her parents for a loan. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Here's how I treat friends: I give what I can give, without expectation. Never have loaned once. What they do with what I give is up to them. Anyone who expects anything never gets it. I was taught this lesson by a good friend who gave me a six-figure amount to fund a project I was working on. I tried and tried to push proper legal documents in his face and secure the deal and he would have none of it. The key was, in our long friendship, I never expected anything of him. We simply lived life together and had fun. 'Sorry, I'm short this week' is all this 'friend' needs to hear. Trust me, they have other 'friends' they tap too. If you're out, someone else isn't, and vice versa. This mindset comes from the worst version being that all you can do is say no, then they smooth it over, move on to the next target and try you again later. If they're gamblers, this is almost a slam-dunk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) thanks to carhill and whichwayisup... what of me getting her to go to the scrath card vendor to ask for a refund?....not in a nasty way, but just to get her to ask, he might say yes, or at last she will see him for what he is, even a lil carhill....thanks but she knows my finances well, she was not always a gambler, so i did not need to be evasive, she knows all about my bills, and crucially my payday Edited July 17, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I read this and reflected on the little problem I had with a tooth last night and that I'll be calling the dentist this morning to get a fix-up set up. Oops, there went a couple hundred bucks. I'm short this week. What's she gonna do, look in your mouth? Does she know what's in there too? My example is real but outlines that there's no possible way anyone can know everything that's going on in your life. Stuff happens. Yep, even 'fictionally'. Use it. Don't try to reason with addicts and users. It almost never works. They don't process thoughts and relationships in the same way. Long experience with that, and the mentally ill. Save yourself. See the dentist Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 any thoughts? Draw the line and say no. If she only sticks around because of your money, you will find out soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Draw the line and say no. If she only sticks around because of your money, you will find out soon enough. she is a kind and extravert person, a compatible friend for me, popular, a nice woman regardless, just feverish with gambling Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) I read this and reflected on the little problem I had with a tooth last night and that I'll be calling the dentist this morning to get a fix-up set up. Oops, there went a couple hundred bucks. I'm short this week. What's she gonna do, look in your mouth? Does she know what's in there too? My example is real but outlines that there's no possible way anyone can know everything that's going on in your life. Stuff happens. Yep, even 'fictionally'. Use it. Don't try to reason with addicts and users. It almost never works. They don't process thoughts and relationships in the same way. Long experience with that, and the mentally ill. Save yourself. See the dentist carhill - please tell me, from your experience, any clues or tidbits you've seen, just to even nudge her into giving up this folly even for a moment or an hour...any thing at all would really be amazing, thank you Edited July 17, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 she is a kind and extravert person, a compatible friend for me, popular, a nice woman regardless, just feverish with gambling If that's all true, she will understand when she says no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) carhill - i would really like any professional insights, any tips or clues to help her just for a moment or an hour to stop being into gambling, any thing, thank you Edited July 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I really don't know of a sure way to reliably thwart a true gambler personality. IMO, it's a lifelong disease. I know there are 12 step programs for it but, like alcoholism, one must be recovering each day for the rest of their lives. A lot of people who gamble simply won't do that. They see it as an acceptable, and legal, vice. I have a friend whose wife gambles to excess and I mean to excess, into the mid-5 figures. They can afford it but her hiding creates havoc in their lives, mainly from the IRS. He's tried and tried but has been unable to stem the flow. Never underestimate the resourcefulness and ingenuity of an addict in pursuit of their fix. Just stay out of the way. Save yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 The rule of thumb is to never lend money that you cannot write off. Friends or family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I once told someone "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable fueling your bad habits". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneT1985 Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 The rule of thumb is to never lend money that you cannot write off. Friends or family. I agree entirely Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 I once told someone "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable fueling your bad habits". ^^^^This is what you should tell her! If she continues to ask for money, offer to buy her food or bus ticket or whatever she needs it for, but draw the line, tell her your earnings will not be gambled anymore. End of story. Link to post Share on other sites
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