The Road Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I've been with my wife for nine years, married for four. We got married very young. We have been through a lot. She has a history of abuse in her family. And about a year into our marriage started drinking heavily. She would go out all the time without me into all hours of the night until she finally hurt herself pretty badly one night and I finally put my foot down and got us into couples therapy. We subsequently started individual therapy. We've both been in therapy for the past 2 years. Only problem is, her therapist doesn't know what she is doing and as far as I can say has given my wife no tools to deal with what's inside of her. Mine on the other hand is fantastic and I've learned so much, and opened up so much as a person since first seeing him. I am not the most emotionally available person either as I have severe abandonment issues dating back to my childhood, but I am always ready and willing to talk and try to understand what's going on within myself and within my wife. The thing is, getting her to talk about her feelings is like prying through several layers of armor. And getting her to make love to me is a challenge as well. I'm always the one who has to initiate. Once we're in the thick of it, our sex is actually quite good. But I just wish that she would initiate one time, show me that she actually wants me. I guess I've just been realizing that I need a lot of love. And when I bring up this stuff, she either shuts down or flys off the handle. I want a partner who is a true friend. Someone I can share anything with, and say anything to and have it be ok. And I'm not saying she's not allowed to be hurt or angry by the things I say. That's life. People get angry at each other. But I want to know I'm allowed to say these things, and to know that she will seriously listen and think on my words, and that she'll still be here when all is said and done. And I don't feel that way. I never have. It's why I get so anxious about confronting her in any way. And when she shuts down or explodes I feel like I'm a worthless sack of sh*t - that nothing I say is valid, that she doesn't really want to hear me or understand me, and that makes me so angry and lonely. And because I feel so angry and lonely, I start to pull away from her. And as soon as I do, she starts railing on me about how I'm not here, I'm not present, etc. We've been going back and forth like this for 2 and a half years. We have these crazy ups and downs. When it's good, it's really good. But I always feel like I'm compromising saying to myself - this is just the way she is. On top of all this, she is anxious most of the time. I end up having to take care of everything around the house. She cannot bring herself to do the tiniest chores unless I ask her. And I don't feel I should have to ask her all the time. And you know I am almost 30, and I do want kids, but every time I think about that, I get sad and angry because I think to myself that the partner I've chosen is absolutely unfit to be a mother right now. In any case, I'm sorry if this post is a little scattered. I'm just so tired of all this. I feel like I'm doing most of the work in the relationship. And then I feel guilty for having thoughts about ending it.
Quiet Storm Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) Some people just aren't capable of being a good partner. Counseling doesn't help everyone, especially if she isn't real with the therapist. She is too wrapped up in herself and her feelings to consider yours. You are correct, she would not be a good mother. If you really want kids, you should seriously consider divorce. Her issues go deep and she doesn't have the selfawareness or introspection needed to help herself. Its OK to not want this for yourself, and its much better to divorce now than after you have kids. Edited July 16, 2014 by Quiet Storm
pteromom Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Once we're in the thick of it, our sex is actually quite good. But I just wish that she would initiate one time, show me that she actually wants me. You have to accept people for who they are. She has sex with you, right? And she enjoys it, right? And you enjoy it, right? So don't let your EGO get caught up in the "she doesn't initiate" thing. Maybe she isn't walking around thinking about how much she wants to have sex with you, but when you want it, she is open to it and it is good. You are LUCKY in that regard. So count your blessings. I guess I've just been realizing that I need a lot of love. And when I bring up this stuff, she either shuts down or flys off the handle. All relationships have a pattern. You say you've been going back and forth with the same things for over two years. So what you are doing OBVIOUSLY isn't working. What can you do that will alter the patterns of your marriage, so that a different outcome is possible? What can you do differently, that will cause her to have a different reaction and lead you both down a new path? You can't control HER... you can only control YOU - and when you change YOU, she'll react differently. I want a partner who is a true friend. Someone I can share anything with, and say anything to and have it be ok. And I'm not saying she's not allowed to be hurt or angry by the things I say. That's life. People get angry at each other. But I want to know I'm allowed to say these things, and to know that she will seriously listen and think on my words, and that she'll still be here when all is said and done. Some of this is reasonable and some isn't. You are absolutely allowed to say anything you want to say. But you can't dictate her reaction. Maybe she'll seriously think on your words, and maybe she won't. Maybe she'll still be here and maybe she won't. But you have to be HONEST and true to yourself. And when she shuts down or explodes I feel like I'm a worthless sack of sh*t This is something you need to explore with your therapist. Why does HER reaction change how you feel about yourself? I can understand that you would be frustrated if she doesn't listen or understand, and I can understand feeling LONELY... but worthless? Because you have an opinion and needs? And because I feel so angry and lonely, I start to pull away from her. And as soon as I do, she starts railing on me about how I'm not here, I'm not present, etc. Here's that pattern again. You pull away. She yells at you for pulling away. You communicate your needs. She doesn't listen. You pull away. Again - what part of that pattern can YOU change? But I always feel like I'm compromising saying to myself - this is just the way she is. This IS the way she is. You have to accept her for who she is. But that doesn't mean you become dishonest or hide who you are because you believe she doesn't want to listen. It's your job to communicate YOUR feelings. On top of all this, she is anxious most of the time. I end up having to take care of everything around the house. She cannot bring herself to do the tiniest chores unless I ask her. And I don't feel I should have to ask her all the time. You are smart not to have a child with her unless and until she resolves this. Have you talked to your therapist about how you feel your wife's therapist isn't really helping with her anxiety issues? Maybe your therapist can recommend a different therapist, or offer some other advice for you. I feel like I'm doing most of the work in the relationship. And then I feel guilty for having thoughts about ending it. No need to feel guilty. It is your job to take care of yourself. And if ending it is the best way to make you happy, then ending it is nothing to feel guilty about. But I can tell you that you aren't ready to make that call yet. You have work to do on yourself yet. Keep moving forward.
Author The Road Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 Quiet Storm, what you say makes sense. Just easier said than done. We've been together a long time. And I do still love her, and want to help her. I feel an obligation to help her.
pteromom Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I obviously meant emotionally unavailable. How embarrassing. We all know what you meant. It isn't anything to be embarrassed about. We are all humans and don't expect anyone to be perfect. You are too hard on yourself!
Author The Road Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 ptermom, thanks for the reply. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself. And you're right I should count my blessings. Everything you say makes sense. However, I've urged her to see a different therapist several times and she says she'll consider it but she never does.
pteromom Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 However, I've urged her to see a different therapist several times and she says she'll consider it but she never does. Have you talked to your therapist about that? Maybe your therapist could actually set up an appointment with a colleague, or give you some tips to get her to try someone else.
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