After 6 years together, ex broke my heart 6 days ago...[udpate - I broke NC!]

[Believe1982]

Hi All,

 

Help!!

 

Please bare with me, like many others - mine is a long story.

Myself and my ex bf began going out 6 years ago and took it very slow from the start, he told me 6 months in that he had C.F. At the time, I was unaware of the illness so did some research and got quite scared by some of the info the internet produced (bad move on my part) things that were turn was that the life expectancy is approx 37-40 (put with medical advances is getting better) however the quality of life isn't great with daily meds / physio and frequent hospital stays. Also, with male C.F if you want children you can only try the IVF route. At 6 months, (I was 26 and he was 25) I had to make the horrible decision to commit for my future (if I wanted kids could I deal with my partner dying young etc). Of course, I kept all this to myself but the more we stayed together the more I knew I loved him and wanted to stay and support him. I always said I loved him no matter what. I went o every appointment in the hospital with him, never looked at him as a C.F person just a person I loved. I even slept on a bean bag beside his single bed one night putting cold towels on his head and rubbing his back as he threw up. Therefore, the fact that he dumped me last week has me devastated as 'some' of his reasons seem to be that he was unsure that the relationship was one he could commit to! I'll rewind abit.

 

Up until this past xmas things were perfect with us, we never fought and always had a loving, fun and passionate relationship. I decided to go back to college for 2 years last september and we had to put off moving in together for this reason (with the plans of moving in together this sept and then travelling together next year). Then last xmas, I got a call from his mom(he lives in a small house with his parents and 4 siblings) that he had some kind of freak out (break down) and of course I was there for him after. Since Jan of this year until now, he has been growing increasingly negative and like I'm walking on egg shells around him (he gives out about not being able to stand living at home, not having a car, missing out on all the things he should've done in his 20s and hating his job that he works at part time). I am a positve person and I thought since we are togther so long and have been through tougher times (c.f) that we'd work through it.

 

Anyways, he started saying he is bringing me down but the next minute saying he is he treating me like crap and taking me for granted. Then 2 months ago, he says I was his *first* and follows it up 10 mins later with the fact that he is tempted by other girls.

I have noticed the past few months he is playing with his band more and going drinking with other friends too (when he complains that we don't see each other enough). Then the Monday before we break up he said says he is making me unhappy and we don't spend enough time together and we should take a break for afew weeks/months. I reason with him and say when we move in together in sept that will help (not seeing each other much) and he agreed. The I ask to meet Thursday (my gran's funeral day) evening at bar in the city. The second he walks in I just know he is goina end it. He says that he is not happy at the moment with living at home, his job and his life. He say he needs to live by himself before living with me ( eh, after 6 years together he can't commit when i HAD TO MAKE THAT DECISION TO COMMIT 6 MONTHS IN). I say ok if he needs to live along and sort his head but we can still be together and he can lean on me but he says no, that he can't be in a relationship at the mo. Maybe in afew weeks or months if we are meant to be we will come back together stronger than ever. We both cried. I didn't beg.

I hugged him and said I hoped he found his happiness and that I would miss my best friend. **Note - the physically side of the relationship never dwindled.

I walked away and was in bits. I have NOT contacted him since that Thursday night (6 days ago) as I thought I didn't want rejection and have learned harsh lessons in my younger relationships (I'm 31 now).

 

However, 2 days ago I was out with my cousin and got home at 1 am and checked my emails (as normal). I had gotten a mail from him (ex) 4 hours earlier (830pm) with no text just a youtube video on how to learn a language in 6 months - he knows I've been teaching myself spanish the past while. I DID NOT reply but was very upset and confused by it. He hasn't contacted since.

I miss him like crazy but I'm finding it so hard to move on. We had planned to move to Canada next year but sadly I will be making this move alone

 

Any advice very welcome guys?

Peace n Love

xxx

Edited July 16, 2014 by Believe1982

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Hello,

 

 

I am sorry for your pain. It sounds like he is suffering from GIGS. "Grass is greener syndrome".

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

Read through this thread. It may help you with answers. Keep posting here.

 

You are not alone.

[Believe1982]

After my 6 year relationship ending in what seemed like the blink of an eye (by him) due to his excuses (not ready for the commitment of moving in together and not being happy in his life etc) - I started to keep busy with friends, going to the gym etc. From the second I walked away from being broken up on, I did not contact me in any form.

 

4 days into the break up, he sends me a random youtube video in an e-mail but with nothing written in the mail - I didn't reply.

Another 8 days after this (on NC day 12) he calls me FOUR times in the space of one hour, this was in the afternoon.

I don't have anything belonging to him or vice versa, so I don't know why he would call. I din not reply but as the days progressed all I could think about was WHY he would call and why call FOUR times?? I ended up caving on Saturday night (late) and text him this 'Hey, I am only getting around to replying to your calls from Tuesday now as I've been busy all week.'

It is now Monday and he hasn't replied. I feel sick and so much worse than before. I'm such a fool but I guess I know now that he defo doesn't give a sh**!

What is going on????

 

I'm so lost and have gone back into NC.

Edited July 28, 2014 by Believe1982

[Philosoraptor]

Wanted to make sure you were still willing to respond. You did.

 

It will happen again at some point. Don't respond as all it will do is put more questions in your head and waste more emotion.

[Zahara]

He was pulling at the leash. You showed him that you are still accessible so he's quite content and will soon enough do it again.

[Believe1982]

I just don't understand why he would call FOUR times in under an hour. What is so important? I was doing so well not contacting him,i miss him so much n I've been dealing with it so badly...loosing 14lbs in 2weeks! He changed at Christmas when he had a nervous breakdown (due to issues not involving me) n since Xmas the past 6 months he has been distant n then loving etc.. for the first 5and a half years things were great for both of usr

[Philosoraptor]

Probably panicked a bit when you didn't answer the first time, as he expected you to answer. Once you responded it reassured him that you're there.

[Zahara]

I just don't understand why he would call FOUR times in under an hour. What is so important? I was doing so well not contacting him,i miss him so much n I've been dealing with it so badly...loosing 14lbs in 2weeks! He changed at Christmas when he had a nervous breakdown (due to issues not involving me) n since Xmas the past 6 months he has been distant n then loving etc.. for the first 5and a half years things were great for both of usr

 

You have to understand you had a 6 year relationship. Dumpers have to face their own withdrawals from a relationship and while he ended the relationship, he still has a bond with you which is a little difficult I am sure for them as well to just go cold turkey.

 

When you didn't answer the first time, he probably panicked. Then bombarded you with calls hoping that it would provoke a response from you. And it did provoke that response that he needed. Nothing important, because if it was, he would have left a message. He didn't.

[Believe1982]

Thanks guys, I know you are right and I am trying to stay strong.

He just replied to that text (I sent saturday replying to his calls) 5 minutes ago.

He said ' Heya, Aw that's okay. What are you upto? Thinking of u. Doing that test again this week, stupidest test ever!'.

**He is referring to a test he did months ago and has to re-sit.

 

I haven't replied and won't cos I don't want to be his emotional crutch. Yeah, sure he can go out and be single and do what he likes and good old ME will be there to talk to. Until he finds someone else.

 

I noticed he didn't address why he was calling 4 times last week, and there was certainly no 'I made a big mistake' declaration.

 

Thanks fellow Loveshackers, the support here is just what I need.

[Zahara]

Thanks guys, I know you are right and I am trying to stay strong.

He just replied to that text (I sent saturday replying to his calls) 5 minutes ago.

He said ' Heya, Aw that's okay. What are you upto? Thinking of u. Doing that test again this week, stupidest test ever!'.

**He is referring to a test he did months ago and has to re-sit.

 

I haven't replied and won't cos I don't want to be his emotional crutch. Yeah, sure he can go out and be single and do what he likes and good old ME will be there to talk to. Until he finds someone else.

 

I noticed he didn't address why he was calling 4 times last week, and there was certainly no 'I made a big mistake' declaration.

 

Thanks fellow Loveshackers, the support here is just what I need.

 

These types of posts are often on LS. Dumpers will bombard. Dumpee will respond and then get no reply. When a reply does come through it would be because the dumper just wanted to say hi.

 

Stay NC. He will try again. He needs to realize that when you end with someone, he doesn't get to use you for whatever needs he has to help him transition into singledom. And no, there is no friendship either.

[Believe1982]

Thanks Zahara and Philosoraptor!

You speak so much truth. I wish he would realize how unfair he is being:( he saw how upset I was when he ended it (on the day of my granma's funeral I might add) so he knows I didn't want it to end.

I am sticking with NC.

[Zahara]

Thanks Zahara and Philosoraptor!

You speak so much truth. I wish he would realize how unfair he is being:( he saw how upset I was when he ended it (on the day of my granma's funeral I might add) so he knows I didn't want it to end.

I am sticking with NC.

 

He can't realize because he's selfish. He's concerned about his own feelings and discomforts.

 

He saw how upset you were and he had no issues ending it on the day of your grandmother's funeral (what an asswipe) so why would he care now to consider your feelings? Did he suddenly know that he had to end it on that specific day? Nope. He knew way before because dumpers are way into the process of ending before they make that final decision. Chances are he was thinking about it months before it happened. But he had to choose the day when you just lost your grandmother. F***tard.

[Philosoraptor]

He can't realize because he's selfish. He's concerned about his own feelings and discomforts.

 

He saw how upset you were and he had no issues ending it on the day of your grandmother's funeral (what an asswipe) so why would he care now to consider your feelings? Did he suddenly know that he had to end it on that specific day? Nope. He knew way before because dumpers are way into the process of ending before they make that final decision. Chances are he was thinking about it months before it happened. But he had to choose the day when you just lost your grandmother. F***tard.

That's dumper logic. "She's already upset so this will get me off the hook easier. She'll be more concerned with the loss of family, and I won't have to be supportive... win win".

[Zahara]

That's dumper logic. "She's already upset so this will get me off the hook easier. She'll be more concerned with the loss of family, and I won't have to be supportive... win win".

 

Makes perfect sense.

 

Well, even bigger F***tard then.

[Philosoraptor]

Makes perfect sense.

 

Well, even bigger F***tard then.

Often larger traumas are opportunities for someone who has already checked out.

[Believe1982]

Man...you think you know someone after all of those years, thinking they would never be so cold! It's like getting kicked in the stomach:mad:

Coward!

[Zahara]

Man...you think you know someone after all of those years, thinking they would never be so cold! It's like getting kicked in the stomach:mad:

Coward!

 

Another reason and a big one for you to chuck this clown in a corner and move on.

[music_and_poetry]

Thanks Zahara and Philosoraptor!

You speak so much truth. I wish he would realize how unfair he is being:( he saw how upset I was when he ended it (on the day of my granma's funeral I might add) so he knows I didn't want it to end.

I am sticking with NC.

 

Wow what an *******. That is a shadow of a man. I'm sorry he did that to you. Not cool.

[ThorntonMelon]

Don't beat yourself up - you would have regretted it if you didn't find out. So now you have. Will make you regret less each time he tugs in the future. This isn't a pass/fail test, it's your life. You will get through it. Live authentically, freely, and happily.

[Believe1982]

Thanks you guys.

The past 18 days (since the break up) have been hell but I'm dealing with it and getting back on my feet again. It just sucks that he seems to be getting on with his life just fine (I know he has had a head start on me in that he prob has been planning this for months).

 

I did not reply to him after he sent that text asking how I was and saying he was thinking of me and I have just got another text from him saying ''Happy to hear from you and I heard a song the other day and thought of you''.

 

Seriously?? WTF? Again, I'm staying NC but does he not have any remorse?

HE DUMPED ME!!! Now all of a sudden he is mister nice guy...no apologies or anything.

A**!

[Zahara]

Thanks you guys.

The past 18 days (since the break up) have been hell but I'm dealing with it and getting back on my feet again. It just sucks that he seems to be getting on with his life just fine (I know he has had a head start on me in that he prob has been planning this for months).

 

I did not reply to him after he sent that text asking how I was and saying he was thinking of me and I have just got another text from him saying ''Happy to hear from you and I heard a song the other day and thought of you''.

 

Seriously?? WTF? Again, I'm staying NC but does he not have any remorse?

HE DUMPED ME!!! Now all of a sudden he is mister nice guy...no apologies or anything.

A**!

 

Again, he's not thinking of your feelings. He broke up with you on your grandmother's funeral -- why would he consider how you feel or what you want now?

[BC1980]

Thanks Zahara and Philosoraptor!

You speak so much truth. I wish he would realize how unfair he is being:( he saw how upset I was when he ended it (on the day of my granma's funeral I might add) so he knows I didn't want it to end.

I am sticking with NC.

 

He's not going to realize how unfair he is being to you because he is worried about his feelings. He is worried about transitioning himself out of the relationship, which means he still wants some contact with you when it makes him feel good. When he is bored or simply in need of some attention, he's going to reach out to you to make sure you are still there. They don't care how vulnerable you are at the moment, so you've got to be really firm with him. You have to cut off all communication with him.

 

Sadly, these stories are not uncommon, and I've experienced it myself. My ex would send me all types of texts ranging from pictures of the flowers I had planted in our yard to "I'm wearing the tie you bought me today," "I miss you." Again, they are only concerned with what feels good to them at the time. They might just be thinking, "I want to talk to EX." They are not worried with how they are hurting EX and taking advantage of someone in an emotional time.