lanbcit68 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 My wife and I have been married for 15 years, I am 42 and she is 40. Three months ago we had a big fight and we did not talk to each other for a week. During that week, for a few nights she went out just before I get home from work and don't return until 12. As soon as she got home she went straight to her computer and chat with someone online. After a week, we resolved we problems and that`s when things went strange. She would go out with me and buy really sexy lingerie. For a month we would have really good sex and in the past she never gave me oral sex but that month was different. She would put on the sexy outfit and did things that she would not do for the past no matter how many times I asked. I asked her why the changes and she just said I have not been fair to you before. After about a month or so she went back to the usual boring way and no kissing or touching during sex. I am confused about the short sudden change after the fight. Where did she go during those nights? Did she have a one night stand with someone she meet online?
No Limit Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Not sure if it was just one, but yeah, she did cheat. The buying lingerie etc was either guilt, trying to test if it's still as exciting to do with her partner or both. 2
jay1983 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I wanna tell you, you're jumping to conclusions, but I don't know for sure. She could've been chatting with somebody that told her to do all that stuff in order to fix things, so she tried them, then decided she didn't like that. There's no way to know, it's too much of a toss up. 3
jackslife Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 mmmmm not enough evidence to accuse of an affair. You should talk to her and say how much you enjoyed the new sex etc. And if there was anything you could do for her, maybe suggest buying stuff online together. Also suggest a weekend away. If you are concerned re the affair you could try a key logger, or there are probably companies out there that can give you a read out of which sites she visited during her return. I'd avoid accusations unless you can prove anything. 2
KMA Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I'd say the probability that she cheated is significant, something like 30-40%, however it's difficult/impossible to judge only by these facts. At sexual level: Did she orgasm more than before during your "hot" month after the crisis? Does she orgasm frequently with you in general? Have you tried to maintain the high level of sex when she has started again to show less interest? Does she have an explanation why she is loosing interest again? At "investigation" level : Do you have access to her computer/Email/browser history/social media accounts, etc.? Is she secretive, is she dismissive, is she CAREFUL with things like her phone (keep it with her); her computer (deleting browser history), etc.? If you like you can look at my story (search by my nickname)...there are some significant similarities although it's also very different. To cut a long story short, my wife abruptly changed her sexual behavior for good (15 y. ago, we are about 44 now) and we still enjoy about 80% of this positive change 15 y. after these events. However, the timing of this monumental change coincided with a period we were separated (due to business reasons) for 4 months, but this was also period of our relationship being in its all time minimum (divorce being at that time also considered), mutual accusations. On top of that (she, kind of, have had a reason to cheat at that time) she had also opportunity to do it (living alone at 10 000 km from me) and I also know she had lunches (at least) with her ex (an older Don Juan, who was not married at that time and who still sends her Christmas cards). This said, now 15 years after these events, we are nice couple with intense sex life and a beautiful 6 y. old daughter. We went to great lengths to research the matter of was it cheating or not, never managed to clarify it. YET!
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 After about a month or so she went back to the usual boring way and no kissing or touching during sex. Since I'm assuming you enjoyed the more intense sex, did you ask her why she reverted to the old routine? Mr. Lucky 1
Davey L Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 It's suspicious, but not definite. I had something similar from my wife. In the absence of any other evidence, not much you can do I think.
atreides Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 My wife and I have been married for 15 years, I am 42 and she is 40. Three months ago we had a big fight and we did not talk to each other for a week. During that week, for a few nights she went out just before I get home from work and don't return until 12. As soon as she got home she went straight to her computer and chat with someone online. She would go out with me and buy really sexy lingerie. For a month we would have really good sex and in the past she never gave me oral sex but that month was different. She would put on the sexy outfit and did things that she would not do for the past no matter how many times I asked. I asked her why the changes and she just said I have not been fair to you before. After about a month or so she went back to the usual boring way and no kissing or touching during sex. They are heavy red flags, there are many things you can do... check phone email, text and such. If she has cheated, some of the things she said via what you wrote is a bit of gaslighting you. IMO it smells bad, but would need to know where the smell is coming from just to be sure. 2
nightmare01 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 allot of red flags. not enough to know for certain if she cheated or not. for now I suggest you say nothing. BUT. install a key logger on your home computer. the one she used after she came home late. You might also install a VAR in her car. Try hacking into her email if you can. Look for evidence. If you confront before you have evidence she will likely deny deny and deny then maybe take her affair (if there is one) underground. So confronting early is a bad idea IMO. YMMV.
2sunny Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Did you ask her? Did you check her phone and computer? 1
oldshirt Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 After about a month or so she went back to the usual boring way and no kissing or touching during sex. If this is normal and the standard, that may be more of an issue than whether she picked up some extra doink for a few nights. If things are that bad in the bedroom that she never touches or kisses you then this marriage is going to drive off a cliff eventually even if she spent the entire separation in front of the TV in her slippers and sweatpants with a bowl of popcorn in her lap. 1
excusememister Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 OP, I'm reluctant to say that your wife cheated. I have 3 female friends; we are very close. We talk on-line; on the phone; cry on each others shoulders; give advice; talk about our marriages; our relationships. Just yesterday we all met for lunch. One friend who just celebrated her 2-year anniversary complained that her sex life was becoming stale. After lunch, we took her shopping for lingerie; went to Trader Joe's for wine, and told her which seductive measures to employ on her spouse the minute he walked in the door from work. When one of us has issues in our marriages, we pow-wow and give our "fix-it" advice, which almost - always consists of sex, wine, candlelit, and an outfit. Your wife's actions could be innocent - 1
oldshirt Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 As far as did she cheat or not. I agree with the other posters, there are some red flags and it would explain a lot of things. However you don't have enough to confront her or jump to any conclusions. I agree, do not say anything or let on that you are suspicious. Act glad you are back together and that nothing is amiss, but go into undercover detective mode and actively search for the reality. Go through her computers, phone, drawers, purse, car etc. Install a keylogger on her computers, cross-check the phone bill for any unusual numbers. Check credit cards and bank accounts for suspicious activity. And yes do get a few voice activated recorders and put in her car and any other place she may be carrying on a secret conversation. If it was just a ONS with some lucky dude in a bar and she has no further contact with him, she may be discussing it with a girlfriend or sister or something. Never ask her about it or confront her untill you have rock solid evidence. If you confront too soon she'll just deny it and go deeper underground and harder to catch. If you do have reasonable proof though, don't wait too long and let the affair get to developed. If you are having that lackluster sex with her but she is having wild monkey sex with orgasms etc with him, you are going to be dead in the water and have little chance of a successful reconciliation.
oldshirt Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 OP, I'm reluctant to say that your wife cheated. I have 3 female friends; we are very close. We talk on-line; on the phone; cry on each others shoulders; give advice; talk about our marriages; our relationships. Just yesterday we all met for lunch. One friend who just celebrated her 2-year anniversary complained that her sex life was becoming stale. After lunch, we took her shopping for lingerie; went to Trader Joe's for wine, and told her which seductive measures to employ on her spouse the minute he walked in the door from work. When one of us has issues in our marriages, we pow-wow and give our "fix-it" advice, which almost - always consists of sex, wine, candlelit, and an outfit. Your wife's actions could be innocent - This is possible. This is why I advised spying on her computer, email, Facebook, phone etc. If conversations like this are uncovered it may offer an alternative explanation. What's described above can be used as a cover story though even if there was a tryst. That's why the OP needs to find out what her online conversations were.
oldshirt Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Another alternate explanation is some people are stimulated and turned on my conflict. Passion is passion whether it is hot sex and love or hate and a knock-down-drag-out fight. Many of the same arousal centers of the brain and hormone releases etc are very closely related and can be cross-wired. My wife is kinda one of these people. Back before we started dating she and her ex had a very volatile and explosive relationship and would fight almost daily. Sometimes even physically. After she and I had been together I realized she was intentionally trying to goad me into fights and I am one of the most mellow layed back people ever. It dawned on me she got off on the stimulation. It took a few years but she eventually admitted she was turned on by anger and fights etc. She's been sorely disappointed with me over the years LOL but that is getting a little off topic. My point is maybe the passion of the fight and the drama of the separation and the threat of breaking up stimulated her or at least pushed her to make some effort. Now that the dust has settled she may be slipping back into her regular routine. If this is the case, this can be almost as destructive and dysfunctional as an affair. It's time to put on your Sherlock Holmes hat and start doing some serious investigating.
LoveTKO Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Unless you have a penchant for paranoid thinking and ideations, I say that you should go with your gut instinct regarding this situation. According to you, her behavior was noticeably different from her regular bedroom antics, so there is a possibility that she felt guilty and tried to make nice by overcompensating.
atreides Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Your wife's actions could be innocent - I could agree by itself to buy new clothes, but the late nights and the "being fair" statement offset that and in combination is a red flag in my opinion and smacks of guilt. 1
Just a Guy Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Hi Lanbcit68, Sorry to hear of your situation. I wanted to ask you what it was that you fought about with your wife? Was it something trivial or something of greater import in your lives? During the week that both of you were not speaking to each other, did either of you try for a rapproachment with the other? Finally, how did you finally reconcile? Answers to these questions might lead you in the direction of possible action on her part. Also did you ask her(after reconciling) where she would go off to and who was she meeting up with during these absences? An answer to this might also point you in the direction of what she was up to during those days. This besides she may be having a full blown affair which she may have put on hold for that one month honeymoon but after she felt that your suspicions were at bay she could have resumed it which is why she reverted to her old behaviour of ignoring you. In fact if this was how the two of you were living your lives prior to your fight then you can bet your bottom dollar that she was already in an affair and the fight might have been triggered by something you said which in turn triggered guilt feelings in her and lead to a full blown fight. Also if she was the first to make amends then you can be sure that she thought it over and felt very guilty for having treated you the way she did and so made it up to you for a month of honeymoon bliss. If she is having an affair then as others have suggested get all the equipment in place and find out what is really going on. Good luck with everything!
herself Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I dont want to downplay your concerns or fears but..often times one night stands mean nothing, are not about wanting another man, are attached to feelings of insecurity and wanting validation etc. In this situation, Id say focus on whats going right, that she is there, wearing your ring, staying home....maybe she didn't think that week of special efforts were paying off...didn't get the payoff, felt ridiculous or that she stepped it up but you didn't or you weren't impressed so she thought whats the point? Dont focus on she "may" have done something wrong, she may have been on a website with tips on how to repair or spice up her marriage. I wouldnt even want to know unless it was an extended affair, get to work on just loving her, meeting her needs. Tell her u still remember how hot that week was back then and you loved that side of her and all sides. Assure her sex doesnt have to be a huge vixen experience EVERY time but that you love it when its a little crazy sometimes and let her know shes sexy and keep working at it little by little. Let the other doubts go in my opinion. 1
WestLAguy Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I don't think you really have enough to go on to be sure either way. But have you tried talking to her, frankly, openly, telling her how your feeling about it ?
DasPope Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 One thing I would warn you of is that some wives (like a lot of men) Do have ONS especially if they think there is zero chance of being caught. It is perhaps not as common as it might be with men but some women do have a tendency to have casual liaisons. I'm not suggesting your situation points one way or the other.
WestLAguy Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 One thing I would warn you of is that some wives (like a lot of men) Do have ONS especially if they think there is zero chance of being caught. It is perhaps not as common as it might be with men but some women do have a tendency to have casual liaisons. I'm not suggesting your situation points one way or the other. They certainly do indeed. When i was single I hooked up with quite a few married girls just casually. I just read your thread and don't think your situation is as uncommon as you think it might be.
SmartDude Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I have done quite a bit of reading on situations in which people have sex outside their primary relationship. There is a strange effect which can occur. Sleeping with another partner can make your primary partner more sexually attractive. This has been well documented within the swinging community. Having sex with your same old partner becomes new again for a while. In some cases it has actually saved some marriages. Should people start having sex outside their relationships to spice things up in the bedroom? Probably not a good idea for the majority of people...
karnak Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 There is a strange effect which can occur. Sleeping with another partner can make your primary partner more sexually attractive. This has been well documented within the swinging community. Having sex with your same old partner becomes new again for a while. In some cases it has actually saved some marriages. That happens due to "chemistry reasons". Usually the person who's having sex with a new lover has the urge to have even more sex, regardless of who's the partner. It could be the legitimate spouse or the neighbour next door. Yet, after some time the sexual hormones begin to cool down and the "hyper-sexuality" fizzles afyer some time. That's why cheating spouses crave more sex, all of a sudden, and then stop when the effect starts to wear off.
WestLAguy Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I mentioned before that I had ONS with a few married girls and I remember asking a couple of them why if they were married did they do this. All of them basically just said it was a bit of fun and that they were happily married. Go figure ....
Recommended Posts