somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 You would rather have a unhealthy relationship then none at all? How would the relationship be unhealthy?
notserene Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 How would the relationship be unhealthy? Because it's based on manipulation. 1
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Depends on the girl - and like I said, comfort/friction. If you get a girl that likes a decent amount of friction then you gotta provide some. Being mean or cold isn't exactly the healthiest expression of this dynamic in a lot of cases. Much like endless drama too. Sometimes it's as simple as differences and areas of dislike where otherwise there lies compatibility. There doesn't have to be an "act like a distant jerk" thing really - it depends on the girl, sure there will be those that go for that as it's the only attractive expression of such friction that they know, but I would advise against it as it's not always the best idea to exploit the weaknesses of somebody in such a way. If you really think you're providing a win-win, then I suppose there's a grey area - I just wouldn't take that chance if I wasn't sure. I'd be the kind of guy to expose the weakness to someone rather than exploit it for myself. How do you know if the girl likes friction? I'm really wondering if I should have tried to create some drama with my ex just for the hell of it. People kept saying that it was a bad thing that we never fought or argued. If a little bit of fighting would have kept her with me, then it sounds like something I should have done. I thought I was going win-win with her by being understanding and happy to compromise. But if she dumped me because she felt like I was too nice then I just failed.
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Because it's based on manipulation. I still don't understand how that's unhealthy. Manipulating a girl to stay with me, sounds much better than doing nothing and getting dumped by her. 1
notserene Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I still don't understand how that's unhealthy. Manipulating a girl to stay with me, sounds much better than doing nothing and getting dumped by her. I think there's a much greater chance that she'd think you were not really interested and look elsewhere. Or she could get mad that you're playing games. I don't think that this technique guarantees success.
ThaWholigan Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I think there's a much greater chance that she'd think you were not really interested and look elsewhere. Or she could get mad that you're playing games. I don't think that this technique guarantees success. It doesn't guarantee success in the short term or long term if you get there. That kind of manipulation has a habit of exposing itself and building resentment. In some cases though, she may stick around but I wouldn't bet on it. She may just get bored actually! Deliberately manipulating her like that in a consistent manner in order to get her to stay can backfire - that may become too predictable, too comfortable for her to operate. She may start arguments or some sh*t like that to spice up the goings on, or she may just tune out. Some degree of social engineering is beneficial to a degree, but at some point you get to the meat and potatoes and settle into a natural cadence. Manipulation isn't a bad thing on it's own, but it can be used in a way that only benefits the manipulator at it's heart. How do you know if the girl likes friction? I'm really wondering if I should have tried to create some drama with my ex just for the hell of it. People kept saying that it was a bad thing that we never fought or argued. If a little bit of fighting would have kept her with me, then it sounds like something I should have done. I thought I was going win-win with her by being understanding and happy to compromise. But if she dumped me because she felt like I was too nice then I just failed. The mistake here is that you think artificially creating such a situation would have made her stay. There's no guarantee that it would. Your desperation is burning bright here. It's not worth keeping up the pretense if you have to do it consistently just to keep her interested. If the natural cadence between the two of you was one of a more comfortable variety, then that's just what it was. Some relationships just run their course, no matter the reason. Trying to find a win-win when it comes to affairs of the heart will always be tricky. Don't bet on getting a win-win. Even I, the eternal optimist, wouldn't do so. You just have to get to know who she is, on an unconscious and conscious level. This is why self-awareness is important. 5
ascendotum Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) Because it's based on manipulation. Not necessarily. The guys I saw doing it I really didn't have the impression they were master manipulators, more like guys with lots of options, who were able to live their life/relationship on their terms, and had a better understanding of female psychology than other guys. They were also to be selfish because women let them get away with it. The desire to make a girl keener for you, is not inherently bad, though treating her shabby is. The thing is the girls were happy to play their part in the relationship dynamic. If a girl was keener to prove her love for SD- she's fine. While it might not be a healthy dynamic for others looking on, the gf is happy. She's an adult. For SD, he gets an ego boost by the greater show of appreciation from the girl for his affection when he grants it. He is happy too. It would be a refreshing change in the power dynamic when it comes to him and women. It is not really a strategy that will work for all guys though, like being a jerk. The better looking/desirable you are, or the more authentic you in in this nature, the better the chance it will work (on some women). Edited July 17, 2014 by ascendotum
thefooloftheyear Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I much rather have a girl addicted to me than thinking that she can find somebody better and dump me. Be careful what you wish for....Its not as much fun as you think... TFY
thefooloftheyear Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) I guess no one heard of the phrase, "You gotta keep your pimp hand strong"...?? But really.... Being deliberately mean is just a douchebag move...Sure, some women actually are gluttons for punishment,(men too, btw), ans some will use this tactic to establish a pecking order... but thats just not the type of dynamic that I would want...But I gotta admit, in some strange way, that it works for some people...I dunno...*shrug*.... But here is what I think is the "positive side"...(I dont think I am using the right terminology, but I am tired so bear with me).. A guy who is busy in life, because he is important , career driven, in demand by many, etc....Is generally going to be looked at positively by women...As a resuit of having a varied and multi -dimensional life, he may seem distant, but only because he just cant juggle all those balls in the air at the same time..So some may see this as a lack of interest and maybe even "passively mean", but its not...Only insecure women feel this way..Strong women get it...That has been my experience, anyway... As always, YMMV... TFY Edited July 17, 2014 by thefooloftheyear 4
MissBee Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 If you have to play games then you're doing something wrong. Dating should be about being your authentic self and finding people who appreciate you for it, not pretending to be a particular way to bait people, as in the end you can't keep up the charade and when you stop then the whole thing will crumble or if you manage to keep it up you'll be the unhappy one because you know you're going out of the way to be something you aren't. Further, only women with low self-worth will respond well to this. There are indeed threads by women where a man seems totally disinterested or makes no effort and the woman is asking how to make him initiate and basically is willing to contort herself and go to the moon and back for the attention of this inattentive man. However, that is a problem within that person that makes them want to do tricks so to speak in order to get this person to want to be with them. Women who know what they're worth will absolutely not respond well to this and will drop you and move on to someone who treats them well. 7
Pyro Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Just remember that games are played by children. Foolish man you already have it figured out. Keep yourself busy and be available when you have the free time. 3
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Be careful what you wish for....Its not as much fun as you think... TFY Why would it not be? Considering I've been ignored by women for the vast majority of my life, and the only woman who ever liked me enough to let me date her, dumped me in six months; why would I possibly not want a woman to be addicted to me?
Emilia Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 A guy who is busy in life, because he is important , career driven, in demand by many, etc....Is generally going to be looked at positively by women...As a resuit of having a varied and multi -dimensional life, he may seem distant, but only because he just cant juggle all those balls in the air at the same time..So some may see this as a lack of interest and maybe even "passively mean", but its not...Only insecure women feel this way..Strong women get it...That has been my experience, anyway... Yes, along with this and The Wholigan's posts. I have no problem with someone drawing their boundaries. I expect them to and I do the same. People shouldn't jump just because you click your fingers and vice versa. There is a difference between that however and breaking down someone's self-esteem. 5
thefooloftheyear Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Why would it not be? Considering I've been ignored by women for the vast majority of my life, and the only woman who ever liked me enough to let me date her, dumped me in six months; why would I possibly not want a woman to be addicted to me? Considering the experiences that you have had, I can certainly understand your postion...However, most people dont want to be suffocated by thier sinificant other...I have had these experiences, its stifling, oppressive, and gets too be too much to handle..If you think its fun to have someone buried up your ass 24/7 you are sadly mistaken...They hang on everything you say/do and wont give you an opportunity to breathe!!.... .02 TFY 2
Candy_Pants Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I'm probably going to catch some flack for this one, but here goes. Read the forums, all the info you need is right here. You've already got one woman in this thread who says her husband abuses her, and she sticks around. I wasn't posting a part of my story to be an example of this idiotic idea that if you treat women like crap they'll be crazy about you. My H is on his last leg. He stands to lose his wife and child if he doesn't get his head straightened out. That doesn't sound like the fairytale ending of having a woman stick by you despite anything. How about you think before you speak. 8
ThaWholigan Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Considering the experiences that you have had, I can certainly understand your postion...However, most people dont want to be suffocated by thier sinificant other...I have had these experiences, its stifling, oppressive, and gets too be too much to handle..If you think its fun to have someone buried up your ass 24/7 you are sadly mistaken...They hang on everything you say/do and wont give you an opportunity to breathe!!.... .02 TFY To be fair, that's what SD desires. Someone who's as completely co-dependent as him. 8
rewl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 It has always worked brilliantly for me if I'm honest. I don't treat girls mean, but I can be assertive and a little distant from them until they show through their actions that they are willing to engage on my terms. It makes me in charge of the relationship and ultimately is the reason why I have never been dumped, but always did the dumping. It can be painful for some girls, but after all the hurt they feel, they usually respect and admire that behaviour. They even admitted that.
Emilia Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 It has always worked brilliantly for me if I'm honest. I don't treat girls mean, but I can be assertive and a little distant from them until they show through their actions that they are willing to engage on my terms. It makes me in charge of the relationship and ultimately is the reason why I have never been dumped, but always did the dumping. It can be painful for some girls, but after all the hurt they feel, they usually respect and admire that behaviour. They even admitted that. Yes but you don't want your abandonment issues to rule your relationships.
rewl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Yes but you don't want your abandonment issues to rule your relationships. I only have one life. I don't plan on wasting a single day of it on a girl I feel doesn't deserve my time.
TigerLilly78 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 but after all the hurt they feel, they usually respect and admire that behaviour. They even admitted that. I just cant imagine respecting anyone that caused me "that much hurt and pain" unless my self easteam was zero to start off with and I was use it to sorry to say..
rewl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I just cant imagine respecting anyone that caused me "that much hurt and pain" unless my self easteam was zero to start off with and I was use it to sorry to say.. That's true I guess. Some girls fail to ever get over break ups. Luckily, I haven't met those kind yet.
Emilia Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I only have one life. I don't plan on wasting a single day of it on a girl I feel doesn't deserve my time. But that's just being defensive. If you keep dumping people because you aren't able to develop a long term, deep emotional connection, you will end up on your own. 1
rewl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 But that's just being defensive. If you keep dumping people because you aren't able to develop a long term, deep emotional connection, you will end up on your own. Somehow, I have severe doubts I will end up alone. I won't settle. I do enjoy being young and happy though. 1
rewl Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 My ex-boyfriend and I would treat each other "mean" (ie. taking longer to reply to texts, being less available, etc.) If that's what you call 'treating mean' no wonder it's not working out. Failing to reply to texts for the sake of it is just childish, especially in a long term relationship.
Emilia Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Somehow, I have severe doubts I will end up alone. I won't settle. I do enjoy being young and happy though. Good to hear, good luck.
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