countryrider13 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 In the past I have not caught my fiancé physically cheating but flirting with other females online and giving out his number. I was furious, hurt, scared and every other emotion. He admitted to it and when he realized he almost lost me he said he will never jeapordize us again. Now when I have doubts, questions, or break out in tears he's right by my side, says he's never giving up on me, how much he loves me. He seems so genuine and tries really hard to make me feel better emotionally and be what I need. The other day I seen he was on personal ads on my iPad....he said it was for his friend that is to come visit from out of state....I contacted that friend and he said the same thing. My question is.....yes he messed up and jeopardized us in the past, but would he try so hard to keep me around if he was still doing it? If one had eyes for others why would one try so hard to keep what they have at the same time?
carhill Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Has your fiance apologized? As in "I'm sorry I hurt you" by flirting with other women online? Have you forgiven him, as in "What you did hurt me and I forgive you"? Have you set behavioral ground rules, as in "No surfing online dating sites"? How long has it been since this behavior from him happened and you and he apparently resolved it? How long have you been engaged? Have you and he received any PMC (pre marital counseling)? If you haven't, I'd recommend it now before you all sign that marriage license. Recovery is a process. It takes time and effort by both parties. You're in this together. You're a team. Hope it works out!
No Limit Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 My question is.....yes he messed up and jeopardized us in the past, but would he try so hard to keep me around if he was still doing it? If one had eyes for others why would one try so hard to keep what they have at the same time? Yes, he would. Why? Because it's their game. 1
excusememister Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Countryrider13, Proceed with caution. I hope this doesn't come back to bite you in the tush, although I highly suspect that it will. I think your fiance showed you "who he truly is"... e.g. the flirting and the business with the phone numbers. When a person shows you who they are - Believe them! Maybe a very long engagement will be in your favor 1
No Limit Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Maybe a very long engagement will be in your favor I'm not sure her fiance would agree to a 5-year-engagement.
Author countryrider13 Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 Yes he has apologized multiple times. And he seems so sincere. Yes I did forgive him. This happened a couple months ago, and though I'm still working on getting trust back, I did forgive him. There's defiantly been boundaries set....he had given me his passwords to email and Facebook, and changed his phone number which he's aware I will look at his texts and history at any moment....he doesn't hide his phone. It's always on him, in his pocket or something but if I ask for it he hands it over. We have been engaged for 4 months. Not support to get married till August of 2015. And I'm positive if I said let's hold off until I feel 100% trusting he would wait.
me85 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I hate to tell you this but most likely it will happen again. Can you accept that he is a flirt who sometimes does inappropriate things with other women? This is a decision you have to wrestle with. Some call it settling, unacceptable, some call it crazy stupid love. However, you can love someone and still live without them.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Yes he has apologized multiple times. And he seems so sincere. Yes I did forgive him. This happened a couple months ago, and though I'm still working on getting trust back, I did forgive him. I'm curious as to why you think he was pursuing other women ??? Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Yes he has apologized multiple times. And he seems so sincere. Yes I did forgive him. This happened a couple months ago, and though I'm still working on getting trust back, I did forgive him. There's defiantly been boundaries set....he had given me his passwords to email and Facebook, and changed his phone number which he's aware I will look at his texts and history at any moment....he doesn't hide his phone. It's always on him, in his pocket or something but if I ask for it he hands it over. We have been engaged for 4 months. Not support to get married till August of 2015. And I'm positive if I said let's hold off until I feel 100% trusting he would wait. OK, so accept that you're in this together and communicate your needs regarding regaining trust. Those could be behaviors, words, 'triggers', whatever. Communicate. Accept that he has apologized and you have forgiven. Move forward from there. You're still over a year in advance of the wedding. Some arrangements are beginning to be made. How things go with that process, and everyday life, should give you the information you need and the confidence and trust you desire to continue. If not, stop. Examine. Communicate. Don't proceed thinking 'it'll get better'. Deal with the now. When now says 'move ahead', move ahead.
Davey L Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Maybe he's telling the truth. In which case, he really should have told you in advance that he was doing this for his friend. That's basic consideration, knowing how you would feel if you saw what he was doing. Like the others have said, I would suggest not rushing into the marriage. You say it's a year away. But I remember when I got married, not much less than a year ahead the whole wedding plan thing seemed to acquire its own momentum, difficult to stop without letting people down, money already spent on stuff and so on. Could you cancel the date now, hold off setting another date until you are happy with things? Otherwise you could end up getting swept along with things until you suddenly find it's wedding day and it's too late to pull out.
excusememister Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Maybe he's telling the truth. In which case, he really should have told you in advance that he was doing this for his friend. That's basic consideration, knowing how you would feel if you saw what he was doing. Very good point raised by Davey L. I can't help but wonder, why your fiance didn't tell you about the personal ad for the friend - especially considering what has happened within your relationship. I honestly find the story rather suspect. If he's 100% transparent, giving you his passwords and phone, it makes too much sense that he would have alerted you to this. Just my two cents worth!
oldshirt Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 My question is.....yes he messed up and jeopardized us in the past, but would he try so hard to keep me around if he was still doing it? If one had eyes for others why would one try so hard to keep what they have at the same time? You are thinking like a girl and trying to apply that female thought process to a man. you can't do that. Men are different. Countless men can have a primary partner that is the mother of their children and queen of their castle but yet carry on with numerous other women. Heck there are even TV shows about men that are openly polygamous and sit there in front of the camera and tell the world how much they love all of their wives and talk about how well they take care of each of them. So yes, he can sit there and promise you the world with tears in his eyes one minute and turn around and schmooze the pants off some other gal the next. You have to have your eyes and ears open here and actually see and hear what is going on in reality. Look through his stuff. Look through his computers and phones and any other means he has of contacting people and see what it is that he is actually doing as opposed to you trying to guess what he is or what he is not doing. He may be having an actual affair with someone(s). He may be completely innocent and faithful. You have legitimate reason to be concerned and to maintain a high level of vigilance. You just have to keep an eye out for what is actually happening.
Author countryrider13 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 He said he planned on telling me. I had worked until 11:30 pm that night and he had fallen asleep since he had to wake up at 5am for his job. By the time I got home at midnight he wasn't awake to tell me. I will say when I found him flirting before and confronted him he acted "funny" like one would who has been caught. He stuttered, denied first then admitted. Cried cause he was gonna loose me, then apologized. This time he said calmly that he'd explain everything once he got home, and meant to tell me but he fell asleep. He said he left for work with a conscious mind knowing he didn't do anything wrong. Also last time I was gonna end things he got fired cause he was so mad at himself and scared of loosing me he lost his temper at work and cussed someone out. This time he had no temper.
Jonah Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Your H is missing something, and it could be that you are doing everything right but he will continue to starve in what is termed "poverty mind" in which there is never enough. In otherwords, he may be addicted to pleasuring himself with females. If that is indeed the problem, that he needs to realize it and own it. Now if there is something that he feels that he lacks in your relationship, he needs to communicate that, putting your feelings aside. There might be some really simple things that you could do to help him but for his fear of hurting your feelings, he isn't telling you. If it is that he is just womanizing, an eye opening separation with the possibility of divorce would be in order. Some would say to kick him out directly. His story is very likely false, and if it isn't he should have cleared this with you ahead of time. Since he didn't, it is a deception. The dude in his current state isn't worth much to you... just another AH.
Jonah Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Also last time I was gonna end things he got fired cause he was so mad at himself and scared of loosing me he lost his temper at work and cussed someone out. This time he had no temper. This time, last time... your enemy is now as cool as a cucumber. This should send chills up and down your spine. What you see is just the tip of the iceberg you know. 1
No Limit Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 He said he planned on telling me. And of course you believe that.
yessy21 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 And of course you believe that. Shes being taken for a ride. No pun intended. OP- your husband is a serial cheater and his lame friend is covering for him. 1
Matilda75 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 My question is.....yes he messed up and jeopardized us in the past, but would he try so hard to keep me around if he was still doing it? If one had eyes for others why would one try so hard to keep what they have at the same time? My WH is a serial cheater. To answer your question, my WH stays to maintain his socio-economic standing. He wants stability and his fantasy world. His goal is to get his needs met, and he doesn't mind using people, including me or the OW, to do so. Shades of Jabba the hutt. He didn't appear to be so self centered or immature when we married. Really just emerged when life got tough...my mom died, and then he got laid off. He didn't have healthy coping skills, so he fell back on unhealthy ways of dealing with loss and stress. It is not a good sign that these tendencies have already reared their ugly head so early in your relationship. Maybe it was just a blip. If he starts to lead with healthy coping skills in the face of conflict or adversity, then he might be a keeper. If he doesn't then I'd stall the marriage indefinately.
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