Emiliano Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) SO here's my story, i'll try to be brief, and excuse me for my english it is not my native language. i'm 26 I met this girl about a year ago, while i was still within a very strange long term relationship, basically my relationship was based on long distance, which also meant us at moments not talking or having any contact, shortly before her leaving permanently to her masters, I started working at a new job where i met this girl, and we sort of hit ot off completely. I come from a broken home and 7 years prior to all of this my life crumbled before me as my dad left us (my mother & me) with a huge debt and literally nothing as we had to sell our houses etc. We had a very luxurious lifestyle. After that i never really dealt with my anger issues, sadness and i became my mothers whole support, i started 2 years after that dating my best friend from high school which coincidentally is named the same as my mom both Isabel. After going through therapy this couple of months i understand what i did and what it meant, but this gets to the rough part of the story. As i sort of sailed through life complaining begrudging my "new" life hating everyone. I stopped creating meaningful connections to anyone until this job where i met a myriad of amazing people. In between this i met who i now know is the love of my life. at least till this point of my life. We immediately hit it off, those magical stories you hear about, only problem i was still engaged to my prior relationship, and a week into it she decided she was moving back to my city as she did not got accepted into her masters so i started seeing two girls, after of course I told her and ended it with my ex the new girl and me started a formal relationship, this time around full of issues (she got abandoned by her father after she was born) So you can imagine how both of us struggled to maintain a healthy trustfull relationship i felt cornered abused and attacked all the time, and she felt i was never being honest. This lead to a series of multiple break ups during this year which takes me to the last break up 3 months ago, during that period she started attending co dependance group, And instead of working my issues as well, I decided to fall back on old patterns, i reconnected with my ex and went out with her, as i was completely out of my mind i chose to take her to the place and hour i know my girl and her mother went for lunch every saturday and of course they saw me. After that she left my life, i've sent flowers tried to talk to her talked to her family apologized her begun serious therapy and i've been confrontiing my issues and understand much better who i am not and who i am. However my ex (the love of my life) we've been having conversations that are sort of circles, where i tell her i love her and im going to do everything for her which i do i have proposed her to come meet my family that she knows it's over come see my therapist so she knows it's all true, and she just backfires at me telling me im just lying again, im not truthful noble and that i never loved her, that i always used her, and put excuses on our relationship, that i never cared one bit for her. Then she tells me she needs space because she cant deal with a decision right now, that she still loves me dearly but she is in too much pain to be able to know if she wants me back in her life. Ive tried no contact and yet she still wrote to me last night and we talked from 10pm to 5 am but not in a cute way i kept saying im fighting for her i love her she's the love of my life i offer anythign she asks of me, all she answered was that she can't believe anything that i will always let this person be in my life, that i should leave her be and go to her arms to which she ended saying this is it this is as far as i cant get, never contact me again. Next morning she apologized for ending things that way, and that again she couldn't take a decision right now, that she saw her life next to me us married and happy and that she still loves me and that's why this is unbearable for her, that she will try not to contact me and that i should respect her process. She then said may god bless you i don't know what destiny has in store for us. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do next im desperate im having troulbe focusing on anything, i almost lost my job today or might even be fired tomorrow. I'm lost love her.. i miss her i know she's the one and yes i know if she was why did i cheat on her, well long story short through therapy i confirmed that what i did was collapse a true good relationship to sabotage myself, and not move on with my life, so now my therapist asks what feels right in your heart? all i know is i got to fight like i've never fought before, not like many things in my life i just let go and give up, i'm not exactly seeking her forgiveness, or her to take me back, as i know she probably wont, but by god all i feel is that i at least need to show her that i do love her that i always loved. But at the same time she needs her space, if i don't do anything i know her and she'll say well a **** load of good did you your winning me back only tried for a month and will decide to move on, and if i call her or pop up i'm violating the space she asked me. I need advice. Edited July 16, 2014 by Emiliano
Downtown Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I felt cornered abused and attacked all the time, and she felt i was never being honest.Emiliano, welcome to the LoveShack forum. This one sentence of yours is the only thing you say about your Ex's abusive treatment of you and her lack of trust -- a trust issue that apparently started before she caught you cheating on her in the restaurant. It therefore would be helpful if you would be more descriptive of exactly what type of behavior was so awful that you kept breaking up with her several times. Toward that end, I suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 Warning Signs and tell us if most of them sound very familiar.
mightycpa Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Emiliano - I would suggest that you take a couple days off, and cry it out if you need to. Don't contact her, she can't help you. Everybody needs to be able to be happy alone; other people can't make you happy. It will take a while. It will feel like forever. You'll have up days and down days. Write it down, over and over if you need to. Don't date for a while, just grieve. Go out of town. Go with friends. Do stuff. Live. Whatever you do, leave her alone. It won't be easy.
Author Emiliano Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) Emiliano, welcome to the LoveShack forum. This one sentence of yours is the only thing you say about your Ex's abusive treatment of you and her lack of trust -- a trust issue that apparently started before she caught you cheating on her in the restaurant. It therefore would be helpful if you would be more descriptive of exactly what type of behavior was so awful that you kept breaking up with her several times. Toward that end, I suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 Warning Signs and tell us if most of them sound very familiar. <For example we would go out on dates and she would always bring my ex up, about how i was i still loved her, she would ask me to open my accounts, give her my cellphone so she could go through it, whenever she got mad or hurt at a joke like for example she is a gorgeous girl probably the most beautiful i have dated, and jokingly i would say i loved her thick eyebrows and i would compare them to caterpillar pretty ones, sometimes she would bring this up in arguments and say i only looked at her as my whore, that i wanted to change her and her taste in clothes and that i would always look want other woman. She would call me inhumane she would tell me to **** off and die, she would say i had no sense of love and that i was only using her. edit:1 recently she used to call me "franky" as apparently i was the perfect combination of all her exes and i was the perfect man, incredible forgiving thoughtfull but now i'm even worse than her prior ex who without going into detail of her private life, had her stalked and threatened, as she puts it "as a partner you are worse than him" you are the worse and hurt me more than anyone edit: 2 Also one night we shared on a trip a magical night whic we professed our love i sang to her, we decided we could try to have a life tofether, the next morning i got a text from my aunt that said he sweetie, which turned into one of the worse mornings of my life, and although she apologized the prior night felt ruined to me, and like that she would always say that she felt like i wanted to hang up, always on her when in truth when indeed i wanted to do something else i would always tell her but when i wanted to talk to her i would never hang up. Edited July 16, 2014 by Emiliano
Downtown Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Emiliano, you are describing a woman who has trust issues (assuming you are correct about being in love with her instead of your prior Ex). You also are describing verbal abuse and controlling behavior. These are only a few of the 18 red flags shown on the list I provide a link for above. If most of the warning signs on that list sound very familiar, it would be helpful if you would tell us which ones apply and which do not.
Author Emiliano Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) Wow that list struck me hard almost all points apply ill expand with examples 1 black White if you can define her it was like that i was either perfect or a monster never in between 2 she used to do this all the time, example You are the best man i know With you i feel like im never good enough 3 when i switched jobs she was convinced i was starting a affair with my new coworkers so i couldnt mingle or interact with them 4 She says i never did anything for her now that i never had time for her, but i offen used to pick her up at ungodly hours at the bus station or talk to her to esrly hours in the morning and she never seemed to recall that when she complained 5 again either it was grest of me for being so atracted to her but then it was wrong because i was just using her and only cared about her looks to which i would always reply she was a grest woman as a whole mind body & spirit 6 She would get so so mad at little things i didnt do or did at least once a day 7 shes the most gorgeous girl i know and one of the smarter ive meet capable and overall a amazing woman i always said so but whenever i made a comment like hey look i think those heels or dress would look good on you she would accuse me of not valuing her 8 not so much anger but sadness and bitterness 9 she would always need to have my geolocation and pictures of who i was with when we werent together or if she didnt she would accuse me of cheating 10 in fact this was something i brought up when we fought i always told her if youre so miserable with me if youre the victim of such a horrible man why do you keep staying, she would always answer im not playing victim but you did this annd that 11 not really this one sounds a bit like me actually i was always impuslive with her id do crazy stuff like boat rides or surprises like that that she would offen say i was doing because i had done something wrong 12 complained about most of them but she specifically complained that they never loved her and that after her they all seemed to find true love 13 this one im not sure to be frank but she did try to adopt allot of things i liked but i figure it was out of mutual interest 15 mostly yeah she always needed to talk to me and couldnt really handle any type of rejection from friends or family 14 skipped this one but dont think so she always could go out with friends and had other plans short term but when it came to future wise i did become her only plan 16 many casual friends yes mostly all her long time friends ended up fighting with her but she did have almost all male friends mostly exes or old flings as her bffs 17 no not at all 18 yes even now she accuses me of not trying todo. Anything and that all i do is a lie because thats what she feels, but i did go to her. Mothers house apologized sat down with everyone and said i loved her and I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to make it through and somehow that is a lie she keeps saying i never loved her and neither can i love her now Sorry for the horrible grammar writing this on ipad Edited July 16, 2014 by Emiliano
Author Emiliano Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 Uhm replied in general but heres to let you know i placed the points
Downtown Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Emiliano, those 18 red flags are my expansions on the nine behavioral traits used in defining BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I suggested you take a look at the list because you seem to be describing behavior that is emotionally unstable and characterized by frequent black-white thinking -- which are warning signs for BPD. She got abandoned by her father after she was bornMost children who are abandoned or abused in childhood do not develop BPD. Such treatment, however, GREATLY raises the risk for doing so. A 2008 study found that 70% of BPDers report that they had been abandoned or abused in childhood. Indeed, one of the nine defining traits for BPD is a great fear of abandonment. This lead to a series of multiple break ups during this year which takes me to the last break up 3 months ago.A relationship with a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits) typically is characterized by many breakups/makeups before the couple finally end the relationship. A recent survey at BPDfamily found that 73% of BPDer relationships had 3 or more full breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 40% had 6 or more full B/M cycles before ending. See 3 or More Breakups 73%. This one sounds a bit like me actually. I was always impuslive.Actually, all 18 of these behavioral traits should sound "a bit like you" because they are basic human behaviors. Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means that everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits the traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level. I don't know the answer to that question because I've never met the young lady. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn how to spot the red flags if you take time to read about the warning signs. Hence, because most of the 18 red flags sound very familiar to you, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them at Crazy I Think but I Love Her Anyway. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.
Author Emiliano Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) Emiliano, those 18 red flags are my expansions on the nine behavioral traits used in defining BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I suggested you take a look at the list because you seem to be describing behavior that is emotionally unstable and characterized by frequent black-white thinking -- which are warning signs for BPD. Most children who are abandoned or abused in childhood do not develop BPD. Such treatment, however, GREATLY raises the risk for doing so. A 2008 study found that 70% of BPDers report that they had been abandoned or abused in childhood. Indeed, one of the nine defining traits for BPD is a great fear of abandonment. A relationship with a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits) typically is characterized by many breakups/makeups before the couple finally end the relationship. A recent survey at BPDfamily found that 73% of BPDer relationships had 3 or more full breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 40% had 6 or more full B/M cycles before ending. See 3 or More Breakups 73%. Actually, all 18 of these behavioral traits should sound "a bit like you" because they are basic human behaviors. Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means that everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits the traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level. I don't know the answer to that question because I've never met the young lady. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn how to spot the red flags if you take time to read about the warning signs. Hence, because most of the 18 red flags sound very familiar to you, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them at Crazy I Think but I Love Her Anyway. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Well for example some things do ring allot like her, the splitting up phase, well we broke up 4-5 times in the lapse of a year, however of those 5 times the last two where by my own choice. Something that i never understood was why she kept saying i wanted to change her, and that i did not found her beautiful, I always did amaze me when she cleaned up make up etc and would comment, but every day i always told her god your gorgeous i love you at least once a day, i went through our old skype and whatsapp conversations last night because i'm loosing my mind,I've started to believe i'm the monster she says i am, but i really don't feel like that i know i cheated and i now through therapy im fully aware of why i did so, Which was because symbolically i'm at fear of moving on with my life, being successful and happy because if i do so, i'd be leaving my mother behind who has had me as her whole support this past 7 years, and by doing so i dynamited both my prior relationship and new one to stay alone and keep taking care of my mom. But she's making me loose my mind, she sends me this messages that are publicly posted on the only social network she didn't block me off (which is google plus) and there she posts our songs, even a clip of this movie. which maybe i'm loosing my mind but does seem as a freaking sign? However when i approach her the only thing she has for me is jumping between telling me, she's your true love, you don't love me, you used used me as a floater and never cared about me. To which i answer hey i do love you and i'm willing to work on this, let's sit and talk, let's work this out she answers, i wish i could believe one word of this but i can't none of this is real, you are lying go away. To which i answer ok im sorry i love you but i guess i need to leave you. To which she answers, !ha! see? only took this to know you're lying see, all your "love" for me amounts to this" When we got back together last time she admitted to have slept with two other people, and i had trouble dealing with this, she would say why aren't you trying harder after what you did to me, to which i would answer, i'm sorry i didn't sleep with anyone you did, and after a couple of days she said I lied i didn't sleep with anyone i was just grieving i love you. During that period was our third break up, then she would as we worked together start talking to me and get closer to me and i would say **** it man you love her go get her, but this behavior would repeat itself over and over again. I recall also she would use pregnancy always as some reason for her behavior for example she would accuse me of lying and cheating, i would prove her wrong, understandably i think i would get hurt, she would apologize but always by saying, i'm sorry its because this has me stressed, to which i would ask what? Then she would proceed to not tell me until she said its because i'm two weeks late, i'm spotting nauseous etc, and i would try to talk options with her i would freak out and talk to her about where we would live, how would we do it, and the only time she didn't bring pregnancy up during a fight was during a date, and my reaction was much more soothing, but right in the middle of you're a horrible person, accusing me of cheating she would bring it up, to which i would react but i never ran away i always ended up telling her hey lets relax lets wait lets take this calmly and well deal with this in time, and spend the rest of the night soothing her and tryng to be comforting. Magically two nights after she'd take the pregnancy test, it would come out negative and she'd have her period one or two days later, (also we always used a condom). After the last break up when i took my ex to the place she always went, she blocked off all communication, but then she'd still answer my texts, and after i stopped writing and started this i opened this tumblr Duality to deposit every dark feeling i'm having which i feel ok sharing wiht you i guess. She found it and wrote to me a extenssive message, which could be summarized as what do you expect to gain from this, why do you keep hurting me, why can't you not admit you dont love me and just used me, i can't keep feeling like this etc. I answered im not trying to gain anything i just love you, to which ensued a 5 hour conversation justl ike the two prior we had had, where i would say i loved her and i wantd to try to make things work, and she would answer i wasnt noble nor good, that she needed a good humble nice man who loved her since day one and could recognize he loved her. And that that was not me, to which i would answer it hurts to read that but if thats what you want i can't force you to anything, and she would answer now you got what you needed go and run behind your ex, to which i would answer it's not about running back to her i'm just trying to sho you i love you but i can't force you to accept that. She then would answer back with some thing in which as you point out i'd be a complete bastard, she went as far as calling me no even human in her words because someone whose human wouldn't hurt her like this. And then i could sense my words sort of getting to her and she would say wel i still care about you but i need space to figure out what i want, and to which i'd answer ok i guess but she'd go right back to telling me. Now that this failed with me you can go back and try it with your ex, at the end all the truths come out. She said i hate you never contact me again i'm done and blocked me off everything again, next morning i left her a voicemail saying i'm sorry how things ended and i just want to let you know i love you and i'm sorry i hope you have a good life. A few hours later she texts me saying she is also sorry but that she cannot believe anything i say but that she still loves me, and that if i were to die she wanted me to know that, that she saw us married together and happy, and that because she still loves me this is hard on her. I told her i loved her and she finally said i don't know what destiny has in store for us, but only time will tell, I need to go through a process please dont call me etc because i know all you are doing right now is lying. edit: Maybe i'm using this information against her, but sometimes i feel like she ins't insulting me but all the men in her life, she used phrases that do not sound like her but her mom, "be wary of liars, with a scumbag you know what to expect, the dangerous ones are those that look lke good people" and saying stuff like oh i did recieve your flowers and i know you went to talk to my mom, but they're gorgeous acts of love, but they come far to late. and then saying things like, it doesn't even matter they are not true But prior to that she thanked me for the flowers So i'm loosing my ****ing mind over this as you can see Edited July 16, 2014 by Emiliano sentence didn't make sense
Downtown Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 So i'm loosing my ****ing mind over this as you can seeIf your Ex really does have strong BPD traits, that's exactly how you should be feeling when stumbling out of a year-long relationship. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. When you are convinced someone absolutely must love you, it is extremely disorienting when that person keeps blaming you for everything. You mistakenly believe that, if you can only figure out what it is YOU are doing wrong, you can somehow restore her to that wonderful woman you saw at the beginning. she answers, i wish i could believe one word of this but i can't none of this is real, you are lying go away.If she has strong BPD traits, she likely is incapable of trusting you. Until she learns how to trust her own feelings, she will not be able to trust other people who draw close to her. I'm just trying to sho you i love you but i can't force you to accept that. If she is a BPDer, her inability to trust means that she likely will often become convinced you are lying to her. My BPDer exW, for example, was convinced I was making up a new lie every week -- never mind that she had no evidence at all. To a BPDer, feelings are so intense that she will be convinced that they MUST be true. Feelings therefore are perceived as self evident "facts." i opened this tumblrI strongly advise you to remove that link. It reveals your full name. Hence, even if you don't care about your own privacy, it may invade your exGF's privacy -- because anyone who knows you likely will know who she is. You don't want to give her an excuse to sue you when she is feeling very vindictive some day. To which she answers, !ha! see? only took this to know you're lying see, all your "love" for me amounts to this"If she is a BPDer, she is filled with so much self loathing that she lives in fear that you will abandon her the day you realize how empty she is on the inside. The result is that a BPDer will give you one $h!t test after another. That is, she will do something to offend you to see if you remain loyal -- or she will insist on your making some sacrifice on her behalf to see if you comply. If you are successful, nothing is changed because she still remains convinced you will soon abandon her. Hence, passing one of the tests only results in her raising the bar higher for you to jump over on the very next test. I never understood why she kept saying i wanted to change her.BPDers are so fearful of abandonment that they typically are extremely controlling of their loved ones to prevent them from walking out. They nonetheless will be convinced that it is their partners -- not themselves -- who are the controlling ones. This occurs because a BPDer's subconscious protects her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It does this by projecting all hurtful thoughts and feelings (e.g., the need to control) onto the partner -- using him as a wastebasket into which the painful thoughts and feelings can be dumped. Because this projection works entirely at the subconscious level, the BPDer really is convinced -- at the conscious level -- that the controlling behaviors and painful feelings are originating from her partner. Hence, if your exGF has strong BPD traits, it is not surprising she felt very strongly that you often were trying to control and change her. My exW felt the same way about me. If you are interested, I explain more about this projection and the inability to trust in Rebel's Thread.
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