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Did you "know" before you were told/found out for sure you were being cheated on?

Lorelai

By Lorelai
in Infidelity

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Lorelai Established Member

Lorelai

Posted
Posted

I'm not trying to seem all woo here, but I'm wondering how many people have had a similar experience. I really think my subconscious was trying to tell me that he was cheating before he left me.

 

Why?

 

For about a month before he left me, which was while he was making plans to move in with the OW and I was in the dark, I started having these really weird almost panic-like feelings, very visceral, in my chest. It felt like a huge surge of adrenaline, combined with a sense of impending doom, then would fade after a few seconds. Started out 2-3 times a week, in the week before the split it was 2-3 times a day.

 

When he finally told me he was leaving, the feeling returned, about triple insofar as the visceral intensity but without the sense of impending doom -- more what most people describe as "heartbreak", and took about 3-4 days before it started to fade. (Edit to add: hasn't happened since, never happened before -- I don't have panic disorder).

 

I do know that I had checked his credit report and saw an inquiry from a cable television company, and had asked him about it, about the time the feelings started. He'd said he had no idea how it got there. I trusted him, at least consciously, but I wonder if I'd been starting to put things together but just hadn't admitted it to myself. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

 

Did anyone else just somehow know something was very, very wrong, before enough evidence had been presented that you could no longer deny that they were cheating?

  • Like 1
HermioneG Established Member

HermioneG

Posted
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On the first DDay- not a clue. I was informed by family of the OW, and was completely surprised.

 

But there was a false recovery, gaslighting. And I knew something was wrong. I lost tons of weight from stress. My hair started to fall out. I asked questions and began to doubt reality. I had panic attacks so strong I could not get off the floor.

 

And then one day, he made a mistake. The veil lifted. I figured it out.

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ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted

This is not exactly the same, but I think it applies:

 

A long long time ago, my 1st bf and I had just broken up. I was on holiday with my parents and he was on holiday with his best friend.

One day, out of the blue, I got the very very clear feeling that he and his friend's sister were hooking up. I had no reason to suspect this at all, but I just couldn't shake it.

 

Not only was I right, the day I got that feeling was the actual day they started hooking up! I have trusted my intuition ever since and have not been wrong very often (though sometimes I have to admit, paranoia gets the best of me!)

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TheBladeRunner Established Member

TheBladeRunner

Posted
Posted

For me it was like a sixth sense; I knew something was just not right. She copped to it easily when I confronted her on BOTH DDay's.

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burnside.rose Member

burnside.rose

Posted
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Yes, I "knew" but I every little clue I shrugged off and gave her the benefit of the doubt that I was just being paranoid. I trusted her 100% and ignored even the most blatant signals.

 

Eventually I had to started to believe my intuitions and started investigating. By the time I found out.....I "knew" without a doubt what was going on.... just didn't know with who. I also did not know the disgusting depths it went.

 

I will never doubt my intuitions again....

  • Like 5
waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

Posted
Posted

I knew something was wrong. Just never in a million years suspected what it was. Why would I? Never been there before so didn't know what to look for.

 

Funnily enough about a year before I started to get these odd feelings of suspicion re H and someone (didn't know who) at his work. No evidence and no real reason, just feelings that I dismissed as groundless paranoia. The affair didn't start until 6m after that but I strongly suspect, with hindsight, it was ramping up for much longer.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Posted (edited)

Specifically about this one singular POS OM - no I had no real suspicions about him.

 

However, frankly I failed to address/face enough other underlying "baggage" she brought into out relationship when I had the chance. I sometimes wonder if I should have walked away then, or at least forced her into therapy and to face herself then, her values, before we even married. Then again I don't think she would have or could have faced it then. I was pretty clear I think in presenting who I was and what I believed on fidelity and morality - which is why she lied and hid OM and others from day one with me.

 

Hindsight? Regrets? Trying to fix the past, trying to still fix her now all these years later - I don't know - I sometimes wonder who I am mad at sometimes her or me these days.

Edited by dichotomy
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jackslife Established Member

jackslife

Posted
Posted

I don't believe that there is some kind of sixth sense that warned you that something was wrong. However given how much of human communication is non verbal, I think that you were sub-consciously picking up changes in his behaviour. He was probably sub-consciously giving them away.

 

Why are some BS completely surprised on DDay and others have there suspicions confirmed? Probably down to either how much notice the BS actual gave the WS in the M and how good a liar the WS is.

 

So you didn't have a premonition, you just picked up his decision to leave you in his body language and attitude.

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HermioneG Established Member

HermioneG

Posted
Posted
I don't believe that there is some kind of sixth sense that warned you that something was wrong. However given how much of human communication is non verbal, I think that you were sub-consciously picking up changes in his behaviour. He was probably sub-consciously giving them away.

 

Why are some BS completely surprised on DDay and others have there suspicions confirmed? Probably down to either how much notice the BS actual gave the WS in the M and how good a liar the WS is.

 

So you didn't have a premonition, you just picked up his decision to leave you in his body language and attitude.

 

Actually? The more intimate you are with someone, the easier it is for them to lie to you.

 

It's not fair to say a BS doesn't pay attention to the wayward. Studies show the opposite- the more involved and closer your relationship, the easier it is for someone to lie to you.

https://www.msu.edu/~levinet/deception.htm

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RightThere Established Member

RightThere

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I was clueless that it was an affair.

 

She was unhappy and treating me very poorly. Looking back it was her attempt to make ME leave the marriage because she was too chicken to end it herself.

 

I don't like to make excuses, but because I did not have much experience with affairs (from friends or family) I did not know what all the warning signs meant. It wasn't until I saw it in plain black and white that it dawned on me she might be sleeping with someone else.

 

Hard lesson learned, but I am much smarter about a lot of things now.

  • Like 6
excusememister Established Member

excusememister

Posted
Posted

I had strong suspicions. My WH started acting different than normal; becoming a little distant, grouchy and not as patient with me as he had always been. Still, I ignored things because I had SO much trust in him. I thought he was the last person on the face of the Earth who was capable of such deceit. HA!!!!:eek:

 

His affair was discovered when he mistakenly sent the OW an email from our business account. I trusted him so much, that when I first read it, I laughed and thought "spam". Twenty minutes later, I ran over it again, and brushed it off. The third time when I ran over it again, it hit me and I said "SH$T"! This is for real!

 

Never again for the blind trust...

Fool me once; shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me

  • Like 6
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted
I had strong suspicions. My WH started acting different than normal; becoming a little distant, grouchy and not as patient with me as he had always been. Still, I ignored things because I had SO much trust in him. I thought he was the last person on the face of the Earth who was capable of such deceit. HA!!!!:eek:
Yup, I can identify with that.

 

My exWH became more and more distant, went out more after work supposedly to play sport (it was summer) and started being really nasty to me. When I complained, I was told I was "imagining it", I was "neurotic", that "there was something wrong with me". That "he would never have married me if he's known I was a fruit-cake".

 

I really began to believe that there was something wrong with me.

 

I understand that this is called "gaslighting".

 

When I challenged him outright about seeing someone else he said "Do you think I would be so stupid to risk my marriage for an affair? I've seen too many chaps at work do this and cause problems. I am surprised you have so little trust in me."

 

I caught him out when he said he was going to X venue to play sport. I went there later and he wasn't there. When he got back I challenged him. He tried to weasel his way out of it but I persisted and he confessed.

 

The first emotion I had was of overwhelming relief, as now I knew that I wasn't losing my mind. The second emotion was absolute rage for the way I had been treated.

 

I've always said that it isn't so much the cheating that causes the hurt, it's all the lies/deceipt that go with it.

  • Like 5
daisydook Established Member

daisydook

Posted
Posted
Did anyone else just somehow know something was very, very wrong, before enough evidence had been presented that you could no longer deny that they were cheating?

 

I had no idea my ex fiance was cheating. No clue, until her ILY message came through and I happened to be on the other end. :( I felt really stupid. I still do. I dont trust anyone as far as I can throw them and would much rather be done with someone, than deal with that again. I woke up the following morning and called her. I went and met her. I took his stuff to her place, and packed a nice travel bag for him. Left it there. Went home. Confronted him. Left my home with my cats, and never spoke to the bastard again. I left him the very day I met his girlfriend, and I left him speechless. To this day, he is not well because of what happened, and remained single, emotional, and miserable.

 

"She meant nothing." Yeah, well then so does our relationship. At least cheat on me with someone you actually love! Sweet Jesus!

 

With my ex in high school, I knew of a few times. I remember just knowing something wasnt right. The funny thing is, it was my best friend acting weird, not him. :( He and I broke up and stayed friends for a little while. I remember him telling me he wanted to get back together, but did want to tell me he had slept with someone while we were together and knew that he couldnt start dating me again, unless I knew he had. I named my best friend in his little confession. His mouth dropped. Lol. I knew something was off and as soon as he said he slept with someone, her odd behaviour all made sense. I stopped speaking to both of them for a while. That relationship was a **** show from the start. Lol. Just dated a cheating cheaty cheater.

 

So, I have been cheated on. With my first boyfriend, I knew what he was up to most of the time, and then found out later about all the stuff I didnt know. That day was fun! :( We had been broken up by the time I really found out. I didnt date anyone for 2 years after that. Then I was cheated on and had no clue. For 6 months, too! He was swift! Lol.

  • Like 2
DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yeah I knew. Wife had a LTA and I think I knew the whole time. Like others have said, I trusted her so deeply I ignored the signs.

 

Its really hard to be sure what you knew in the middle of the book once you've got to the end.

 

I filed for divorce before I knew for sure, I was gaslighted, lied to, called crazy. I had enough and walked away.

Edited by DKT3
  • Like 3
burnside.rose Member

burnside.rose

Posted
Posted
Yup, I can identify with that.

 

I really began to believe that there was something wrong with me.

 

I understand that this is called "gaslighting".

 

When I challenged him outright about seeing someone else he said "Do you think I would be so stupid to risk my marriage for an affair? I've seen too many chaps at work do this and cause problems. I am surprised you have so little trust in me."

 

 

Yes, I was gaslighted as well. She spent night after night out “at work” or “with friends” & I stayed home with our child. When I told her she needs to be home more, she said I’m starting to act controlling & I’m putting her in a box. I didn’t want to be that guy & actually believed I was controlling (soooo… not my personality)….so I backed off.

 

I realize now I wasn’t controlling, she just wanted more time with her boytoy. And this was her new angle…

 

I've always said that it isn't so much the cheating that causes the hurt, it's all the lies/deceipt that go with it.

 

^^THIS

  • Like 1
Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted (edited)
Yes, I was gaslighted as well. She spent night after night out “at work” or “with friends” & I stayed home with our child. When I told her she needs to be home more, she said I’m starting to act controlling & I’m putting her in a box. I didn’t want to be that guy & actually believed I was controlling (soooo… not my personality)….so I backed off.

 

I realize now I wasn’t controlling, she just wanted more time with her boytoy. And this was her new angle…

 

 

 

^^THIS

 

Ah yes, the "you're too controlling" angle. My H said this to me too-I found out later this was early on in his A. Of course, I didn't know what was wrong but this was one of the first of many hints that there was something going awry. He had never, in the 18 years he had known me, ever alluded to me about him feeling I was being controlling. Then all the sudden, he started accusing me of that.

 

To answer the OP: yes, my sixth sense began to pick up that something was wrong. I will go out on a limb and say that many BS know there is something off with their CS, even if they don't suspect cheating.

 

Trust is funny that way. It keeps a BS shielded, at least for a time, from the reality of our situation.

Edited by Snowflower
  • Like 3
DasPope Established Member

DasPope

Posted
Posted

I had absolutely no idea whatsoever until I discovered it. I trusted my wife completely to be faithful. In fact I was just incredulous about the whole thing at first. Still am a bit.

  • Like 3
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted

I was clueless. In fact, my wife ramped up sex with me during her affair to twice a week instead of once every couple of months. She felt less guilt if she was at least letting me have sex while she got it elsewhere. That went on for a solid year. I thought we had finally turned a corner to a better place. I had no clue until she dropped the bomb that she might want us to separate. Even then, it took me about two weeks to investigate; my first reaction had been to fix anything she could possibly have to complain about. Then I found twice-a-week hotel reservations going back six months (as far as they kept records).

  • Like 1
whatatangledweb Established Member

whatatangledweb

Posted
Posted

I had no clue at all. Our relationship had stayed the same. We spent lots of time together. We didn't argue and rarely disagreed. We had what I thought was a good, strong marriage. It was a huge shock to me which made it all the more heart breaking.

AmyBamy Established Member

AmyBamy

Posted
Posted

I didn't "know" exactly, but was really suspicious. There were just too many weird things going on for too long. He had a lot of defensiveness about really innocent questions, a lot of obvious guilt when I did something nice or thoughtful for him, and just - a gut feeling. I refused to look into it or snoop at all, I felt (and still feel) that was below me. I figured that in time, if he was, it would come out without me turning into an insecure fanatic (not that everyone that does these things is this, but it's what I would have felt like if I had done it, it's just not my style at all). So, I just kept giving him the rope to hang himself with, and eventually, he did.

 

I actually had a neighbor see someone coming and going at my house that they didn't recognize, several younger girls, while I wasn't home. He came over and asked me about it, in his own way telling me about it. I confronted my husband at the time, he denied, denied, and denied some more. Then he called his best friend and got their stories straight, and his best friend called me and tried to "take the blame" for all the girls who had been in our house. I never did get a confession, until after we divorced (I filed immediately), and then he retracted it after he realized that I wasn't going to reconcile with him and denied it again, and told everyone that I had an affair, lol.

 

It was such a weird thing. Watching a grown man lie like that, scramble to get his story straight. He was afraid that I was going to confront his girlfriend, and he was worried about her (I can take care of myself, and he was well aware, lol). I laughed when he expressed that because I wasn't angry with her at all. Not even about her being in my house, in my bed with my husband. It was him I was disappointed in. It was him I had invested in. It was him that I had issues with, not her.

 

But, even though he never admitted it and denied it vehemently, swearing on his family member's lives even that it wasn't true, I knew. Everything in me knew. And I didn't need "proof", I knew. I filed, we divorced, and we both lived happily ever after, mostly, lol. We weren't good together even though we loved each other. And I grieved the end of that love and moved on. I don't think about him much nowadays and honestly, it's hard to remember sometimes and believe that I was actually married to him, it seems so far away and so long ago.

 

A friend of mine at the time told me her mother used to tell her, "if you think he is cheating on you, then he is" as if we have some kind of sense or something. I never really believed that, but I'm telling you, when I had that feeling in my gut, and I knew without a doubt with absolutely no admission from him, there was nothing in the world at that time that would have shown me differently, because I knew it with every fiber of my being that he was.

dannyboy0076 New Member

dannyboy0076

Posted
Posted

Hi, first time poster, loongg time lurker.

 

I knew something was up with my xWW way before i found out for sure. My dreams were of her with someone else. Cellphone glued to hand 24 hours a day. Sleeping in extra bedroom so she could text all night. Always "out with girlfriends" or taking weekend trips out of town once a month. I was gaslighted, lied to, decieved at every turn. She had me questioning myself!!!! But inside i absolutely knew something was wrong.

 

I gave her opportunities to just come clean and she denied denied denied. So finally i got a gps on her car and caught her with him. She still denied having sex. Said he wanted to but she freaked out and couldn't. Funny thing is they met twice in the same place in a week. So you tell me what u think happened!

 

I told his now xBS and blew it out of the water. This was last May. Our divorce isn't even final yet. We have children. The whole thing is just disgusting. She lost her mind after losing a little baby weight and just decided she wasn't happy. Rewrote our entire marriage history.

 

So yes, i knew well before i found out for sure.

 

The sad thing is how all our stories are so identical. There really is a cheaters script, and they all follow it to a T!!

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