Nearing the end of my rope

[Bailey621]

I've been living with a man for 1 1/2 years. We both admit we jumped into living together way, way too fast. We lived 600 miles apart and I was at a place in my life where I needed a change and he offered me just that. Before I even met him I made a promise to myself that I would not give up as easily as I used to and would do whatever I could to make my next relationship last. (I've been divorced twice, both times I was the one to leave and quit). Things were blissfully wonderful during the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship but that has changed into something completely different.

 

For the past 8 months or longer it seems like to him, I am always saying something wrong and he flips out on me. For instance, this morning we were getting ready to go spend the day at a friend's pool and I was making sandwiches to bring with us. I asked him if he wanted me to cut up lettuce and tomato. He flipped on me and started to get on my case saying that he always has lettuce and tomato on his sandwich (which he does not) and that I should not have asked him such a stupid question. Things were fine before that! We had a great day yesterday so it's not like he was upset with me from something that happened before. He went on and on, I was trying to defend myself (which I am doing a lot of lately) and it ended up in yet another huge, stupid, childish fight over an innocent question. This happens at least once a week. Now he tells me that if he pointed out ALL the things that I said DAILY that I shouldn't, that we would be fighting a lot more.

 

I honestly have no clue what he is talking about and I have actually stopped myself from saying things that I know will set him off. I try so hard to be careful about what I say, but he keeps changing the "rules" on me. On Sunday he got all pissed off at me when he was thinking of going to shoot pool and I told him that some people that we know usually go to a certain pool hall and then when he went there nobody I mentioned was there. Like it was MY fault that they didn't show up this week? He said he doesn't care what people say, that they are a bunch of f'ing liars. I asked him why he listened to me then? If he didn't expect them to be there, why did he still go? Not sure but according to him, it was my fault. Sigh.

 

There are so many good things about him that are so absolutely perfect for me, believe it or not. He has a fantastic sense of humor which jives perfectly with mine. He is very affectionate. He is fun, loves to go out and do things rather than just sit at home and watch tv. We do outdoor projects together. He has offered me and shown me a life that I had never experienced before (I always lived in quiet towns and now live in a city so there is always something going on). He never is physically abusive, but he is very emotionally abusive to both myself and his own mother. (He is her caretaker and we live with her. She is not a very pleasant woman, so there is a lot of stress from that). I have no regrets about moving to this location but I'm starting to regret living with him. I know I deserve to be treated better and that I should leave, but it's so hard!

 

I also have nowhere to go. I have no real friends, only acquaintances and my family lives hundreds of miles away. I am currently unemployed (my boyfriend is retired and I haven't needed to work up until this point although I have been looking for a job lately). I don't even have a car that is on the road. I feel stuck. Trapped. We are not young either. I'm in my 50's and he is in his 60's. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with him mentally. Or maybe there is something wrong with me that I am unaware of? He was in Vietnam and was exposed to agent orange. He refuses counseling.

 

Even though I made that promise to myself, I have had almost more than I can take. Thank you for listening to my ramble. It feels good to get it out.

Edited July 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs are your friend

[Bailey621]

Maybe I should just learn to keep my mouth shut with him, but if I do that I feel that I would be untrue to myself and would end up harboring bad feelings and resentment towards him which in time would probably make me blow up and do real damage. I definitely don't want to be a doormat! I think he isn't used to women actually sticking up for themselves. He was married 34 years to someone he says was very quiet. I'm not a loud mouth but I can't keep my mouth shut when someone is hurting me with his words and accusing me of things that are not terrible and I have no idea I am saying something bad.

 

If I deserved it then that would be a different story. I'm not cheating, not acting inappropriately with anyone. I am being me! I did tell him that if he can't accept me for who I am then he needs to tell me so he can find someone else. He says he is not a quitter, but if I am really that horrible then maybe he will eventually kick me out, which is not what I want. I want the relationship to be the way it was before. People used to comment about us, telling us how happy we looked and how perfect we were for each other. Some people wished they had a relationship like ours.

 

One woman even said she saw a beautiful aura around us when she saw us together. I just want to be happy!

Edited July 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

I asked him if he wanted me to cut up lettuce and tomato. He flipped on me and started to get on my case saying that he always has lettuce and tomato on his sandwich (which he does not) and that I should not have asked him such a stupid question.

Now he tells me that if he pointed out ALL the things that I said DAILY that I shouldn't, that we would be fighting a lot more. I honestly have no clue what he is talking about and I have actually stopped myself from saying things that I know will set him off. I try so hard to be careful about what I say, but he keeps changing the "rules" on me.(

 

I think you have fix this or the relationship will implode. Your circumstances and lack of options make it difficult. Here is what I think is going on... he has some personal issues and is not happy within himself, but instead of realizing this and having the resources to generate happiness within, he is projecting his anger, resentment and frustration onto you. Counseling has the potential to help, and I see that as your best option for now. If he won't go then you go yourself.

 

It sounds like a phenomenon called enmeshment –– which is the antithesis of individuation. When a couple becomes enmeshed they unrealistically view the other as an extension of themselves in such a way that they try to control the other like they would control their own body. Him believing that you should automatically edit what you say to suit his narrow expectation, that you should know what's in his mind, and for him to have the right chastise you for not doing so perfectly is dysfunctional.

 

You need to work toward individuation... mutual awareness that you are two separate people, each with your own thoughts, preferences, motivations and individual identities. You should not be afraid to be who you are, and you certainly should not be subject to criticism for asking questions in an effort to do nice things for him. I would start by trying to talk about it in a non-threatening way. Explain that you can't possibly know everything he think and expects, and that open, free-flowing communication is necessary for a good relationship. If he can see this and work toward healthy interactions then perhaps it will improve. If not, then you need to develop options for yourself and be prepared to leave. Having options is good regardless––you want to be there by choice, not because there is no way out. Getting a job and your own transportation will go a long way toward a feeling of independence even if you want to be there.

 

I hope you will be able to make progress very soon.

[I am Bud]

Dear Bailey621

 

To remain in a bad relationship to prove a point that you are not a quitter is not an accomplishment worth having. Putting aside with what happened in the past you have to judge each relationship according to it's merits. It's better to live on your own rather than living with someone who makes your life miserable.

 

Your relationship has red flags written all over it. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and you definitely deserve much more than you are receiving. You sound like an intelligent woman who has her wits about you and by not being able to express yourself freely will come at a terrible cost to you. Don't be moulded into his vision of what a woman should be like, what she should wear and what she should say etc. I know that it has not come down to what level yet but when a person start to nit pick about something the skies the limit.

 

Now that the honeymoon period is over his true self is coming out. He has started to form the dangerous habit of treating you with disrespect and rudeness. The longer this is allowed to happen the more crystalised it will become and the more he will dish it out and more that you will accept it. He is a bully and a grumpy old man that is set in his ways and he will never change.

 

Do yourself a favor and move back in with your family for a little while until you can stand on your own too feet. The worst thing that you want to do is be dependent on this man financially. Get a job, find some money and get out. You know deep down inside that he is not the right guy for you. You owe it to yourself not to be mistreated by anybody.

 

If by chance you are still adamant about making it work, the only way that it will is if you lived in separate houses and not together. This way you will not be exposed to his grouchiness 24/7 and you can still retain your dignity and speak your mind whenever you want to.

 

All the best - Bud

[Bailey621]

Wow, all I can say is "Thank you", salparadise and Bud! Your words moved me tears. I had never heard of enmeshment, sal, but it seems to ring true and fit what I'm going through. Is wish so badly that I could afford counseling, but with no job at this time it is impossible, unfortunately.

Bud, I really can't move back with my family (dad and stepmom), since they are 600 miles away. Plus, I want to stay in this state, I do love it here. I'll just keep on looking for a job so I can do what needs to be done and just bear with things until that time. I will keep strong, try to think positive and try not to let his words hurt me any more.

Hugs to you both!