Scarlet2 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 In the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray it talks about men rubber banding when they need to pull away for some space and then they come back and pick up where they left off. The book says it's normal for a woman to feel neglected and hurt but that we aren't supposed to take it personal and that we're supposed to just let him be and back off, don't try to fix it or ask what's wrong. Basically do nothing and wait for his return. My question is how do you let go of the feeling of rejection and act like nothing ever happened when he starts giving you attention again? I'm having trouble coping with not wanting to punish him for hurting me. It says if you punish, then he'll feel rejected and he's less likely to spring back when his intimacy cycle stretches again. And when I say punish, I mean telling him no like he does to me.
Author Scarlet2 Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 I have come across many articles online that say the same thing but they do not answer my question on how to cope with your feelings when he rubberbands. It feels disrespectful that he can "ignore" you and come back willy nilly like nothing happened and he'll feel like he wasn't ignoring you but the actions say otherwise.
carhill Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I must've missed the John Gray memo, as I always thought rubber band relationships were unhealthy, no matter which partner was the one who disappeared. To put a number to it, what are we talking about here, regarding 'space'? Going fishing with a buddy for a day? Going to Mars for a month? What? 2
VanessaVanessa Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 It feels disrespectful that he can "ignore" you and come back willy nilly like nothing... It feels that way because it IS disrespectful. That shouldn't be happening. I agree with Eau Claire
redbaron005 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 In the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray it talks about men rubber banding when they need to pull away for some space and then they come back and pick up where they left off. The book says it's normal for a woman to feel neglected and hurt but that we aren't supposed to take it personal and that we're supposed to just let him be and back off, don't try to fix it or ask what's wrong. Basically do nothing and wait for his return. This is certainly true for some men, say in an argument, in the short term. I like to step away from a conversation when I am irretated, to give myself time to cool down and think about it. Some women take offense since they take it as a sign that you don't care about what they say or about them all together, which is often not the case. I've found that verbally telling them that you still care, but need some time to think can mitigate the hurt and some of the tension. Thinking this is certainly less true for a breakup context because, using the analogy presented here, the rubber band has broken - or, in other words, one of the parties has reached their breaking point and left.
Smilecharmer Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I thought that book was incredibly hard on men, made them seem moronic. I can't believe this therapist basically made it seem like men are grunting cavemen. Rubber banding erodes trust and should never be accepted as good in a relationship.
todreaminblue Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 men are men and i think we are not meant to understand them completely...i hav ehad both female and male friends who will pull back for a while....btu once i am a friend i am a friend .....i dotn try and hurt them i am just glad that they came back.....that they are ok....and i resume where we left off quite happily.....its like if i dont contact an interstate friend for a couple of months and she messages me or i message her it feels like nothing has changed....and we continue or friendship because the friendship is still there...with guys when they are going through something they often pull away being taught to be stoic and try and deal with it themselves...i just wait until they come back and if they need to talk i am there.....i reach out now and again to let them now i am there ..so its not hard for them to reconnect ...that's what i do as a friend...i dotn hodl grudges so when they get back in contact with me ......i dotn even skip a beat......ill smile and treat them like i always have....my life doesnt stop......i move on and so do they hopefully to a happier place of being.........deb....
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