Heart Broken Again - Ex Dating Guy That Broke Us Up

[steve5678]

Hey guys I'm seriously hurting hard for the events from the past three days. You can read my original story here: (there is a shortened version at the bottom) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/471999-long-distance-relationship-breakup-emotional-cheating-about

 

After breaking up with my ex of two years back in March I've been trying to recover from the lost relationship. I've been in NC since I wrote her a letter back in early April. The relationship ended because another guy came into the picture and we had been long distance for a year and a half with another two years to go. She was confused at first but said she was interested in getting to know him more. She told me at the time that she loved me but couldn't deal with the distance any longer and not being able to see me. She said this guy played a part in the breakup but she was not looking to start a new one. She had met him one weekend in a group setting and then he told her how much he thought they were meant to be. We ended on good terms at the time but I wrote her an email where I told her I had been romanticizing the situation and felt betrayed. She took it as me hating her when we talked about it later.

 

Now 4 months later she has started a relationship with this guy (my buddy sent me a photo today showing their FB status as I had deleted her). The last 3 days were strange. I talked to one of my friends about her because a mutual friend was tagged in a photo with her. She said she was actually going to be seeing her tomorrow for work. When she saw her she told my ex that I had been asking about her. My ex broke down and started crying asking how I was and what I had been up to. She said she didn't know why she was crying to this friend. My friend said she thinks it because I still showed I cared after all this time. The next day her FB status is changed to a relationship with this guy saying they started dating a few weeks ago.

 

I am in so much pain from all of this. I feel hurt because she started dating the guy that broke us apart. I feel regret because I think that the letter made her think I hated her and that I never wanted anything more to do with her and drove her closer to this guy. I also regret not reaching out and breaking NC one last time to tell her I still cared about her and didn't want to come off as hurtful. I loved her alot and even after all this time I have strong feelings for her. We talked about the time being a big issue and someday things may work out when we can be together in a normal setting.

 

I want to break NC to reach out and text her... not letting her know I know shes in a relationship but to let her know that my friend said she spoke to her and it made me think of her and that I just wanted her to know that I still care about her and I do not hate her and maybe we can meet again.

[lop98]

Steve, I think you're going to have to use your energy for learning how to be less hard on yourself instead of listing all the reasons why that guy and your actions ended the relationship.

 

As someone that's been in both your shoes and hers (I recently split up with my boyfriend over me growing feelings for somebody else): it is not your fault... AT ALL. Trust me. He did not break you two apart nor it was your letter what finally gave that last push so she could walk away with the "wrong impression". She grew feelings for somebody else, period. Nobody is to blame, certainly not you.

 

She broke down not because you still care "after all this time". She knows that. "After all this time" is 4 months, it's completely normal for her (and you for that matter) to still feel very emotional about a breakup, that's why she's crying. Sometimes falling in love with somebody else while you're still in a relationship doesn't mean it's as clear as it sounds... it's a great mix of emotions and confusion on whether you're making the right decision, especially if your current boyfriend is a good person and the least thing you want is to see him get hurt...

 

Making her relationship official after 4 months and after the way it was building up while she wasn't even single... well, this isn't really a rebound, and I hate to say this but it's very unlikely she will come back any time soon, at the very least she'd need to get past the honeymoon stage first, which may last 5 months, or 25 years, you never know. She's taken a chance with somebody else. I went through this with an ex (in his case, it was a rebound), I waited for two months and even by the fourth month of their relationship, I still had hopes they'd break up... until I eventually healed and entered a relationship myself, and guess what, the ex remained in that relationship for over a year, I'm so thankful I waited a lot less than I had originally planned to, no person deserves "waiting" for someone while that someone is making decisions based strictly on their own happiness, not yours.

 

As hard as it is to come to terms with this: she chose that guy and her feelings changed. Please don't prolong your pain and start healing as soon as you can, go No Contact, tell your friends to stop sending you information that only keeps your wounds open and implement big efforts to move on and get your mind off her.... also please start forgiving yourself because it is not your fault at all, unfortunately nobody is as powerful as to "reign" over the way another person feels, this is the way life moves, particularly at a young age with all the changes that take place when entering adulthood.

[steve5678]

I understand what you're saying and I think your assessment is pretty accurate and very helpful. I beat myself up over it all the time wishing I could have stayed with her even though my work put me in such a distant location. It has been a painful experience because I may have stopped talking to her but I kept seeking evidence periodically to see if any progress was being made with this new guy. I just kept hoping that the interactions between them would limit over social media and maybe she would remain single or start dating someone other than him. It's been so painful because I honestly see it as him winning and me losing. I know its my pride and jealously but I've felt no feeling like this knowing that the texts he wrote to her like "I'll wait until you break up with him because I know we're meant to be together" and other texts coming straight at her actually worked... He convinced her, broke the relationship up, and then finally started dating her... finding this out was such a blow.

 

It's hard because there was a point where we had an understanding on our last day when we knew we were going to breakup. The long distance had been hard on both of us and this guy was the catalyst. She was unhappy when I wasn't there but in love and happy when we were together. We agreed it just wasn't our time and if fate had it we might be back together(we talked about in the past two different family friends that made it back after a few years apart). I left her that day and I wasn't that devastated. It wasn't until I was home that I realized how manipulative the guy was and how she played into him while we were still dating. I was angry at both of them and sad at the lost of the girl I once loved deeply and the dreams we had. This led me to hoping that she was truthful about having no intention of getting into a relationship with him like she had told me. I kept seeking that evidence and eventually found what I hoped would never be.

 

I am having a hard time coping with this breakup now that my worst fear has played out. I understand I need to follow No Contact and move on from this. It's just the reoccurring pain of knowing this guy gets to do everything I loved to do with my ex. Thinking that if he had not come into the picture we would still be together. Hating how things turned out even when I had no control.

[Omei]

Make sure your friends know that you're recovering and that sending you mails of updates on her when you've gone to lengths to make sure you dont see them isn't very considerate.

[elseaacych]

Hi Steve,

 

I know exactly what you are going through. I was dating my ex of 3.25 years when a girl came into the picture, I do not know precisely what role she played in our breakup, but it caused my ex to treat me very poorly at the end of of what had once been a good relationship, and he was in a relationship with within a few weeks after our breakup. My ex and I have not spoken since we broke up. It's been 8 months, and if I never hear from him again, that is perfectly fine.

 

I went through hell because I saw their relationship on social media, and I had to work through the process of "yes, he is gone. Likely for good."

 

It's been so painful because I honestly see it as him winning and me losing.

 

This is a hard feeling to reconcile, but honestly, you did not have a fair shot at it. This loser played dirty by pursuing someone who was already in a relationship. But really, what did he gain? YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND, who was willing to gamble with two different people's emotions, lie to you, cheat on you, and leave you in the dust because someone "more interesting" came along. That is not a person that you want to be emotionally involved with. I know it hurts to see your ex in this light, but it is the truth. Neither your ex nor the guy she's involved with have won anything other than a relationship that is built on a throne of lies. If I were to posit the future of the relationship, if they have problems, she will likely jump to the next available lifeboat if their relationship starts sinking because she has no respect for her partner. You deserve a lot better than your ex, because she has lacks the emotional maturity to give ANY lover she has the respect that you deserved in your relationship.

 

Play the long game, you want someone who won't bail on you just because they get interested in someone else and don't value what they have. You will win when you find someone who values you and the relationship that you have built together.

 

And it's okay to hurt because you had dreams, and hopes, and wishes, and love, you once had but your ex blew that. It's all on her. (By the way, if you couldn't tell, I think your ex is an idiot.) What you had was special, but it's not special anymore because she ruined it by not working on it. You have to get it through your head that THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NO LONGER SPECIAL BECAUSE IT NO LONGER EXISTS, AND YOU DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE RESPECTED, AND SHE WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT DO THAT.

 

You shouldn't see yourself as "not good enough" compared to "x" or "y" or "that scumbag loser" or your ex, because you are good enough. You ARE good enough. You have wonderful, amazing qualities that caused someone to FALL IN LOVE with you. Love is an amazing, powerful thing. It exists in all of us, and it is up to us to nurture that love: be it for others, or for ourselves. You can't control how other people fall in love or stay in love, but know that to some extent that it is there in everyone. And when you can't direct your love towards someone, it hurts because you know you have so much to give.

 

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. What you can do is take all that love you had for your ex, and be enough for yourself. Right now, that is what you have. You can love yourself for as long as you need to, because when you love yourself, you become stronger. Because when you love yourself, and are self confident, it will draw others to you. Some may even fall in love with you because you exhibit wonderful and amazing qualities that make you who you are, and those qualities make you enough. At that point, you may feel comfortable loving again, and you open yourself up to them.

 

To love is to be vulnerable. To learn to love again, yourself and others after being hurt is to be resilient and strong. You have to want to be that, though, and work at it.

 

You are enough.

Edited July 19, 2014 by elseaacych

[steve5678]

Great words Elseaacych. I was hurting for alittle bit after I found this news out. I sent her a text the next day playing off how my friend ran into her and that's what sparked me to break NC and not finding out about the relationship. I told her I didn't mean to hurt her with my letter or to end on bad terms, and if she ever wanted to catch up she could contact me and then I wished her well. She responded back saying she didn't want to end on bad terms either and that she understood why I deleted her from everything. She said she would like to catch up some day but wasn't ready for it now. That was a few weeks ago.

 

Since then it was my birthday, never got a text from her or anything wishing a happy birthday which I kinda expected but was also hoping she would come out and say something. I've been doing much better. The thought of her hasn't popped in that much at all. Finally finding out that the worst has occurred kind of made me realize that I need to stop with my hoping that she wouldn't date this guy. I started talking to another girl and have gone on a few dates with her. It was so painful at first to just finally let go. Now that it's done and over with I only see myself improving daily.

[Brutus]

Hey Steve, once again I can totally relate to your story, to the extent that I could have written those lines myself.

 

I know it hurts thinking he finally "got her", and especially that she let him do so, I know the feeling of "losing out" and the evenings alone tormenting yourself with that thought.

 

Lop98 is right, stop being so hard on yourself: she surely is not the victim and the last thing you need to do is to blame yourself. She was willing to put you through this, she was building up something with someone else while being with you, she decided to go for the easy way rather than fighting for your relationship and - this is what upsets me the most in my case - she is now dating the person responsible for a great deal of the pain you feel.

 

Do not consume yourself after a person who does not want to be with you. A person who loves you would never be willing to make you suffer in this way. She was. It is time to realize that she is not any more the person you fell in love with, nor a person you can trust. She could not give you back all the love you would be willing to give her, she could not make you happy anymore. You are in love with a memory of what it was, a projection of what it could have been, or the idealization of what it never was.

 

I know it feels like losing, and in fact you did lose something - or somebody - that meant a lot to you, probably one of the most painful losses we can experience in life. But do not think that he "won" the same thing that you lost, because that's not the case. What he gained is the product of his disrespect towards you, namely a different and probably worse person than the one you had a relationship with. A person which, in spite of how you feel now, you shouldn't and wouldn't want back in your life. That's why I agree when Elseaacych says that "Neither your ex nor the guy she's involved with have won anything other than a relationship that is built on a throne of lies."

 

I am slowly and tentatively trying to persuade myself that this is the truth. I hope you'll manage to do the same and find inner peace. Take care!

Edited August 1, 2014 by Brutus