Boyfriend addicted to computer

[kaleidoscopic]

I've been with my boyfriend nearly 11 months now and we've just moved in together.

 

I knew he spent a lot of time on his computer but I didn't realise just how much.

 

He has aspergers and for anyone who knows about that, music is his special interest so he spends a lot of time buying rare records and selling them on to make a profit. He literally is on it all day, the only time I really interact with him is when we eat. I'm lucky if he spends an hour and watches tv with me.

 

I don't expect him to watch everything I watch but I am feeling a bit like I have to compete for his attention with his computer.

 

I couldn't really find much on the net with regards to internet addiction but there's plenty about video games. I talked to him about it tonight asking him how long he's been on the pc and he just said a lot. He doesn't seem to see it as much of a problem, he always says he can't understand why people spend so much time watching tv, well the same can be said of him really. But he just says the computer stimulates his mind more than the tv as tv watching is a passive activity or words to that effect.

 

Not sure what I'm looking for really, just needed to vent.

[TXGuy]

You lost me when you said you wanted to pull him away from his computer to sit on the couch to watch TV with you. I have to side with him on this one.

 

If you wanted to pull him away from the computer to do some 'active' activity, I could certainly see where you are coming from.

[Keenly]

I'm addicted to my PC/internet and I have been for most of my life. This is a serious non-chrmical addiction and its real.

 

 

 

That being said, even a hopeless addict like myself still understands that it's my responsibility to make time for those that I want in my life. An hour or two a night of you two time is not that much to ask for.

 

 

I'm going to have to side with you on this one.

[kaleidoscopic]

You lost me when you said you wanted to pull him away from his computer to sit on the couch to watch TV with you. I have to side with him on this one.

 

If you wanted to pull him away from the computer to do some 'active' activity, I could certainly see where you are coming from.

 

Well I used to go on my laptop a lot but it's not really much fun when there's 2 of you in a room each immersed in their laptop all the time. He doesn't even acknowledge it's a problem.

 

Relationships are about give and take. Like I said, I don't expect him to watch every show with me and I don't always hog the remote but there's not much on tv that interests him.

 

I brought my tv with me when I moved in as he didn't have one and he talked about bringing his ps2 up. Well he did but now he wants to sell it as he doesn't even have interest in that.

 

Tv's bring people together, spending all day on a computer is not very healthy. Maybe a internet forum is the wrong place to talk about internet addiction though..

[SolG]

Hi OP :-) This may not be an addiction at all. A key aspect of Aspergers is the propensity to hyperfocus on interests. Even becoming absorbed to the exclusion of all else. And also as an Aspergian, it doesn't surprise me that he doesn't acknowledge it as a problem; he may not even understand what you refer to as the 'give and take' requirements of a relationships. It may not even occur to him that you aren't as happy spending time on your interests in parallel with him.

 

If you haven't already, you may have to be very direct and explicit with your BF about his behaviour and the impact on you to help him understand before you can hope for any change. Aspergians are notoriously poor at picking up cues and direct verbal honesty will be far more effective than any amount of subtle hinting.

 

It may help if you can encourage him to become interested in something that interests you (or vice versa); then you can spend some time hyperfocussing together.

 

Good luck!

[Emilia]

What did you do on dates before you moved in together OP?

 

You can't change another person, it sounds like you aren't compatible. Besides, it's really boring when someone is hooked on a computer or a telly, why would you want to be with someone like that?

[kaleidoscopic]

I just think the two of you aren't very compatible. A lot of the women I've dated have said that I'm addicted to video games, but I think they are addicted to TV/Facebook. What's the difference? You prefer to sit in front of a TV all the time and watch shows. He prefers to sit in front of the computer. You are upset because he doesn't stop doing what he likes so that he can do the things you like with you, correct? Have you thought about grabbing a laptop or something, sitting down next to him, and maybe getting into what he's doing online?

 

I have dated women who did the same thing you are, and it always bothered me. They would get mad at me for playing a video game, and insist that I stop doing what I enjoy, and go watch TV with them instead. I noticed these girls never bothered to try playing a game with me, so I saw no reason to watch TV with them. Some people just aren't compatible.

 

Yes this has crossed my mind but we are compatible in other ways.

 

We both have social anxiety so I realise how much using the internet can be a crutch and I could spend all day if I let myself. But I also realise this wouldn't make for a healthy relationship if we were to both do that.

 

I've said to him I don't expect him to stop going on the computer altogether but he is on it nearly all day other than doing the odd bit of shopping or going to the post office to post his orders. It is a tad excessive. I go to work at 9.45 and he's on it till I get back at 4.45, the only time he has a break from it in the evening is when he cooks tea. He doesn't work so I did wonder if it's filling a gap for the time being but I worry when he does work he will spend even more time on the pc. He used to be interested in formula 1 racing and the ps2 but he's lost interest in those now. I suggested trying to branch out and gain new interests and hobbies but obviously I can't make him. I play video games aswell so I would play with him.

 

Hi OP :-) This may not be an addiction at all. A key aspect of Aspergers is the propensity to hyperfocus on interests. Even becoming absorbed to the exclusion of all else. And also as an Aspergian, it doesn't surprise me that he doesn't acknowledge it as a problem; he may not even understand what you refer to as the 'give and take' requirements of a relationships. It may not even occur to him that you aren't as happy spending time on your interests in parallel with him.

 

If you haven't already, you may have to be very direct and explicit with your BF about his behaviour and the impact on you to help him understand before you can hope for any change. Aspergians are notoriously poor at picking up cues and direct verbal honesty will be far more effective than any amount of subtle hinting.

 

It may help if you can encourage him to become interested in something that interests you (or vice versa); then you can spend some time hyperfocussing together.

 

Good luck!

 

I understand he has aspergers and I have had to be direct with him about this although he didn't take it too well. I don't know to what extent I should make allowances for it though? He's a bit defensive about it and says "why can't you leave me be?" which is what people with addictions tend to say when they're in denial.

 

What did you do on dates before you moved in together OP?

 

You can't change another person, it sounds like you aren't compatible. Besides, it's really boring when someone is hooked on a computer or a telly, why would you want to be with someone like that?

 

He used to come to my house and we would watch tv or go out for meals or on days out. It seems he doesn't really see the need to watch tv with me now we live together so we might be talking even less than we did when we didn't live together.

 

I know I can't change him but I think relationships are about compromise and give and take. My mum and dad have been married 36 years and sometimes watch things the other isn't as keen on and vice versa.

Edited July 16, 2014 by kaleidoscopic

[Emilia]

He used to come to my house and we would watch tv or go out for meals or on days out. It seems he doesn't really see the need to watch tv with me now we live together so we might be talking even less than we did when we didn't live together.

 

I know I can't change him but I think relationships are about compromise and give and take. My mum and dad have been married 36 years and sometimes watch things the other isn't as keen on and vice versa.

So this is about the television? A computer addict and a TV addict? You both need hobbies.

[kaleidoscopic]

So this is about the television? A computer addict and a TV addict? You both need hobbies.

 

Well not necessarily. It's more about the amount of time he spends on the computer. We both read and I see my friends occasionally. It's more about spending time together.

 

It's not healthy for anyone to spend over 6 hours a day on the internet other than work reasons in my opinion. I feel like a spare part in the background that is just there.

[pink_sugar]

I'm addicted to my PC/internet and I have been for most of my life. This is a serious non-chrmical addiction and its real.

 

 

 

That being said, even a hopeless addict like myself still understands that it's my responsibility to make time for those that I want in my life. An hour or two a night of you two time is not that much to ask for.

 

 

I'm going to have to side with you on this one.

 

My husband before he moved was always either on the computer, in front of the video game console. Since living with others and not having a computer or game console...he's addicted to his phone.

[acapelo_dp]

I think maybe you both just may need to plan activities outside of the house. Or to occupy your time try getting a new hobby.

 

It sounds like you both need to take a break from the TV and computer and do something as a couple that's fun and new. Go out to dinner, play a sport, go for a walk, go see some live music, make it a date night.

[Emilia]

Well not necessarily. It's more about the amount of time he spends on the computer. We both read and I see my friends occasionally. It's more about spending time together.

 

It's not healthy for anyone to spend over 6 hours a day on the internet other than work reasons in my opinion. I feel like a spare part in the background that is just there.

But he isn't interested in television and it seems to me that that's the alternative? If you want to spend time together, you need to find an interesting way to do that. Do you guys talk?

[ThaWholigan]

Plan activities together. It doesn't have to be about the TV, but it might just intrigue him enough to want to spend time with you away from the computer.

 

Speaking as someone who has high functioning autism, its easy to become obsessed. I was a TV AND computer addict growing up . It's his normal routine and it both stimulates and comforts him. Especially when it comes to music (I'm a musician - hyperfocus ). If you plan activities together that don't necessarily involve the TV or the computer, even for a little while, he'll be more receptive - and he might even incorporate it into a routine!

 

How old are you guys BTW??

[TigerLilly78]

If hes into music why don't you try to share that with him? you guys could go out to stores looking for new music and make a day of it. You cant force him to want to watch TV with you all the time. Tbh I kind of agree TV gets boring the internet is much more mentally stimulating. That said you need to find alternatives that are just as interesting to him other wise you two are going to remain at a stale mate..

[kaleidoscopic]

I think some of you guys are missing the point. We do go out on a weekend occasionally bike riding, to the cinema, music concerts and last week we went to a dog show but obviously we don't go out every evening during the week. I am interested in music but not to the extent he is, half of the stuff he listens to I haven't even heard of anyway. I don't expect him to watch or be interested in everything I like but to just spend more time with me and not to go on his computer so much. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking him to cut down when I'm around, I'm not saying go cold turkey on it or anything.

[ThaWholigan]

I think some of you guys are missing the point. We do go out on a weekend occasionally bike riding, to the cinema, music concerts and last week we went to a dog show but obviously we don't go out every evening during the week. I am interested in music but not to the extent he is, half of the stuff he listens to I haven't even heard of anyway. I don't expect him to watch or be interested in everything I like but to just spend more time with me and not to go on his computer so much. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking him to cut down when I'm around, I'm not saying go cold turkey on it or anything.

Tell him you want to enjoy spending more time with him. Don't have to specifically mention him being on the computer, that may cause issue. Just say something along the lines of "I enjoy watching TV with you and spending time together" and see what happens.

 

If you've tried that then there probably isn't much solution.

[Keenly]

I'm actually starting to think that you ARE being unreasonable actually.

 

 

Just with the sentence " cut back when I'm around " and then I had to scroll up to verify that you do in fact live together.

 

 

 

This is who your boyfriend is, its always been who he is, and it will continue to be who is. It sounds less and less about what I thought the issue was, but after you clarified that you two do do thing and hang out, it sounds more like you want to monopolize his time.

 

 

Just because you two live together does NOT mean that you are both are no longer entitled to personal time. In fact, without personal alone time, your relationship will crumble pretty quickly.

 

Your boyfriend enjoys his time on the computer, and as long as he still makes time for you, he is entitled to his " me " time . I would actually recommend giving him his space because this sounds like a resentment minefield, now that I have more information. You should not attempt to change who he is. I say its who he is because what you are describing is who I am.

 

If I moved in with a longtime girlfriend and she tried to get me to stop playing games so much I would be furious. I'd be angry because she knew who I was going into the living arrangement and I would think its BS that noe that we live together she wants me to change my hobbies around to suit her desires. That's not love.

 

 

Keep giving us as much information as you can. Hell, you've already made my opinion 180 once. Maybe you can do it again.

[kaleidoscopic]

I'm actually starting to think that you ARE being unreasonable actually.

 

 

Just with the sentence " cut back when I'm around " and then I had to scroll up to verify that you do in fact live together.

 

 

 

This is who your boyfriend is, its always been who he is, and it will continue to be who is. It sounds less and less about what I thought the issue was, but after you clarified that you two do do thing and hang out, it sounds more like you want to monopolize his time.

 

 

Just because you two live together does NOT mean that you are both are no longer entitled to personal time. In fact, without personal alone time, your relationship will crumble pretty quickly.

 

Your boyfriend enjoys his time on the computer, and as long as he still makes time for you, he is entitled to his " me " time . I would actually recommend giving him his space because this sounds like a resentment minefield, now that I have more information. You should not attempt to change who he is. I say its who he is because what you are describing is who I am.

 

If I moved in with a longtime girlfriend and she tried to get me to stop playing games so much I would be furious. I'd be angry because she knew who I was going into the living arrangement and I would think its BS that noe that we live together she wants me to change my hobbies around to suit her desires. That's not love.

 

 

Keep giving us as much information as you can. Hell, you've already made my opinion 180 once. Maybe you can do it again.

 

Ok I don't know where in my posts you've gleemed that I don't want us to have personal space and be attached all the time we are together but you are wrong.

 

Before he moved into his own flat he used to be interested in formula 1 racing and playing on the playstation. That seems to have fizzled out to an extent where his only hobby is going on the internet. I'm not even talking about a couple of hours a day, I'm talking all day and evening. Hell, what's the point in me even being there if were just going to ignore each other the majority of the time? Only talking when we eat. That would make it just for convinience.

 

Anyway we've had a talk about it and he seems to be spending more time with me after 8pm which is fine by me.

 

I think those of you objecting must have computer addictions and are a bit tetchy about it. No one in their right minds would be happy living with someone who spent all of their time doing something else. When you are a couple you spend time together, not every minute of the day obviously.

[Keenly]

Ok I don't know where in my posts you've gleemed that I don't want us to have personal space and be attached all the time we are together but you are wrong.

 

Before he moved into his own flat he used to be interested in formula 1 racing and playing on the playstation. That seems to have fizzled out to an extent where his only hobby is going on the internet. I'm not even talking about a couple of hours a day, I'm talking all day and evening. Hell, what's the point in me even being there if were just going to ignore each other the majority of the time? Only talking when we eat. That would make it just for convinience.

 

Anyway we've had a talk about it and he seems to be spending more time with me after 8pm which is fine by me.

 

I think those of you objecting must have computer addictions and are a bit tetchy about it. No one in their right minds would be happy living with someone who spent all of their time doing something else. When you are a couple you spend time together, not every minute of the day obviously.

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth.

 

First its A, then its B, but now we ate back to A again.

 

If you spend time together, and go out and do things, what is the problem. It just sounds like you want him to stop doing what he enjoys doing, and start doing what you enjoy doing. This I'd all information gatherd from this thread alone.

[TigerLilly78]

I think some of you guys are missing the point. We do go out on a weekend occasionally bike riding, to the cinema, music concerts and last week we went to a dog show but obviously we don't go out every evening during the week. I am interested in music but not to the extent he is, half of the stuff he listens to I haven't even heard of anyway. I don't expect him to watch or be interested in everything I like but to just spend more time with me and not to go on his computer so much. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking him to cut down when I'm around, I'm not saying go cold turkey on it or anything.

 

I think your missing the point of sharing your partners interests in a relationship or at the very least trying to. You don't like music that much but he dose its clearly a big part of his life the fact you blow it off so much is not really a good thing imo. Heck im trying to get into the same things the person I like is into believe me its sometimes a stretch but I do it cause I want to try and share his interests and what matters to him to some degree and were not even together..lol Morel of the story you have to have compromise it cant be about what you want only...

[TigerLilly78]

Anyway we've had a talk about it and he seems to be spending more time with me after 8pm which is fine by me.

 

I think those of you objecting must have computer addictions and are a bit tetchy about it. No one in their right minds would be happy living with someone who spent all of their time doing something else. When you are a couple you spend time together, not every minute of the day obviously.

 

Its a shame you pressured him into doing what you want I def don't have any computer addiction I just know that healthy relationships are 50/50 not 80/20! you said you guys go out and do things together I just saw so hes not on there every min of the day I think hes in for a hard ride good luck to you both..

[Els]

I think some of you guys are missing the point. We do go out on a weekend occasionally bike riding, to the cinema, music concerts and last week we went to a dog show but obviously we don't go out every evening during the week. I am interested in music but not to the extent he is, half of the stuff he listens to I haven't even heard of anyway. I don't expect him to watch or be interested in everything I like but to just spend more time with me and not to go on his computer so much. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking him to cut down when I'm around, I'm not saying go cold turkey on it or anything.

 

I don't think he's necessarily in the wrong if he's spending time going out on dates with you.

 

That being said, it sounds like the two of you just enjoy doing different things while at home together, and there isn't much overlap. Some couples are fine with this and spend time apart aside from meals, sex, and going out on dates. Some people need more. There's nothing wrong with needing more, but if the ONLY way you think he can spend time with you is watching TV and he doesn't enjoy TV, you've backed yourself into a bit of a corner there.

 

Is there anything else at all besides watching TV that you'd want to do with him at home?

[kaleidoscopic]

I don't think he's necessarily in the wrong if he's spending time going out on dates with you.

 

That being said, it sounds like the two of you just enjoy doing different things while at home together, and there isn't much overlap. Some couples are fine with this and spend time apart aside from meals, sex, and going out on dates. Some people need more. There's nothing wrong with needing more, but if the ONLY way you think he can spend time with you is watching TV and he doesn't enjoy TV, you've backed yourself into a bit of a corner there.

 

Is there anything else at all besides watching TV that you'd want to do with him at home?

 

Maybe I need suggestions on that.

 

I go with him to music concerts so no one can say I don't take an interest in what he does. I don't want him to stop doing what he enjoys doing but to take an interest in what I do more. Just because someone isn't on a computer every minute of the day doesn't mean they don't have a computer addiction, Sunday's are the only day that computer gets a rest.

 

Sunday is really the only day we go out and do stuff together. If he wants to go on the computer fine, but 24/7 when I live with him? Na, I don't get it. It was him pushing me into living with him so now I am and I get ignored. I didn't realise the extent of how much time he spends on the computer before. What are we both getting out of it if he's doing one thing all the time and I'm doing another? We may as well go back to our previous arrangement.

[acapelo_dp]

I think some of you guys are missing the point. We do go out on a weekend occasionally bike riding, to the cinema, music concerts and last week we went to a dog show but obviously we don't go out every evening during the week. I am interested in music but not to the extent he is, half of the stuff he listens to I haven't even heard of anyway. I don't expect him to watch or be interested in everything I like but to just spend more time with me and not to go on his computer so much. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking him to cut down when I'm around, I'm not saying go cold turkey on it or anything.

 

If you spend time together outside of the house and do those activities that is great. However, why does it matter if he uses the computer while you watch TV? You could be in the same room. Find something to do while he uses the computer, get out and be social. If it's that important to you set aside a time and day each week where you do something you enjoy like watching a show together.

[normal person]

He has aspergers and for anyone who knows about that, music is his special interest so he spends a lot of time buying rare records and selling them on to make a profit. He literally is on it all day, the only time I really interact with him is when we eat. I'm lucky if he spends an hour and watches tv with me.

 

If he's making a supplementary income just sitting there doing that then I can't fault him. Ideally what he could do is reinvest what he makes into your relationship. Does he make any real money doing that or is just a complete waste of time?