Am I just attracted to MM or what???!!!

[halfalive]

So, I'll start off by saying that my husband and I are finally getting a divorce!! It took way too long for this to happen, but we are now living separately and our kiddos are adjusting to it. I am so happy with the situation - of course it is a little hard at times, but I'm enjoying exploring life on my own. "Freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom!"

 

I am NOT looking to date at the moment, but........there is a guy that I've been working around for about a year. I see him once or twice a week. I was attracted to him the first day I met him, but never thought anything of it until we took a business trip a few months ago. Since then, he has emailed me on a regular basis and it has escalated to nearly daily. I don't know if anything will come out of it and I am certainly not going to actively pursue it or try to get him to do anything, so this is more of an "exploring who I am" type of post.

 

I can't seem to feel attracted to anyone other than the last MM and this one. I've gone to bars with friends since the split and have been hit on plenty of times by decent looking men, but I can't seem to feel ATTRACTED to them. There is something about organically meeting someone and the attraction growing over a long span of time - this has happened with both MM. Am I just attracted to the "unattainable"?! Does anyone else feel this way?

[carhill]

What I've noticed is that attraction can be modulated.

 

Question: Did you know he was married when you first became attracted to him? Example: Was he wearing a wedding ring?

 

If no, at what point did you learn he was married?

If yes, did you feel you had any choices as to how to process that attraction in light of the knowledge/information you had?

 

I can't seem to feel attracted to anyone other than the last MM and this one. I've gone to bars with friends since the split and have been hit on plenty of times by decent looking men, but I can't seem to feel ATTRACTED to them.

 

Do you meet single men? Are those who 'hit on' you apparently single?

 

What's your attraction style? It appears one aspect is in this statement:

 

There is something about organically meeting someone and the attraction growing over a long span of time

 

Perhaps no single man you've met grows attraction this way. IME, it's pretty rare, so rare that many women I've known and dated figured I wasn't interested because I wasn't 'hitting on' them right away. IME, it depends on what people are used to and what is customary in their demographic. If few men are a slow burn in your demographic and you're only attracted to that, then it could be an issue.

 

MM's, OTOH, have no problem with the slow burn since they have a wife and family at home. They get their 'needs' met there and the flirtation and innocent 'hitting on' can be mild and long-lived since there is no defined agenda and timeline.

 

Am I just attracted to the "unattainable"?! Does anyone else feel this way?

 

It is possible you are. Hard to know for sure. I felt this way for many years as a younger man but further examination and moving my pursuits to different demographics showed me two things: 1. Part of the problem was all I met was MW's and 2. My style of pursuing romance and showing my attraction was wrong for the women of my demographic. The MW's were fine with it because they weren't interested in anything long-term and I was easy to replace once they got bored or interested in someone else. Simple demographics. I don't think I was any friendlier with women when I was married, since I had enjoyed many healthy female friendships as a single man, but I did note more women, both married and single, 'hitting on' me when I was married. Interestingly, I declined all of them, even the 'whoa!' ones, and would chose to seek out an old MW as an extra-marital affair. As far as she knew, I was dead until I presented myself as alive. That was a choice.

 

Anyway, water long under the bridge. Hope your divorce goes smoothly. If found the MC we received during the pre-divorce process helped me a lot with processing all this stuff. Once in awhile I feel the pull of the 'dark side', aka pursuit of the unattainable, but I laugh and dismiss it as the folly of the past and move on to more rewarding life pursuits. Hope things work out for you!

[scatterd]

In time you will find more men you will be attracted to. Stay away from the married ones their just a lot of heart ache. Their is many men with differant looks and personality.You could be kind of stuck in a rut right now. Give your self the chance to get to know more men sometimes after you get to know them they get more attractive. Also if you hold on to one man its hard to get into another. This is the time you should be dating and getting to know your self again. After my divorce I dated off and on and got wined and dined, in the end I picked the best one for me. Have fun but be careful for their is wrong ones.

[jwi71]

So, I'll start off by saying that my husband and I are finally getting a divorce!! It took way too long for this to happen, but we are now living separately and our kiddos are adjusting to it. I am so happy with the situation - of course it is a little hard at times, but I'm enjoying exploring life on my own. "Freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom!"

 

Congratulations on taking steps to improve your life - we all deserve to be happy.

 

I am NOT looking to date at the moment, but........there is a guy that I've been working around for about a year.

 

You know, the word 'but' is typically used to invalidate everything preceding it.

 

I see him once or twice a week. I was attracted to him the first day I met him, but never thought anything of it until we took a business trip a few months ago. Since then, he has emailed me on a regular basis and it has escalated to nearly daily. I don't know if anything will come out of it and I am certainly not going to actively pursue it or try to get him to do anything, so this is more of an "exploring who I am" type of post.

 

Oh vey.

I get it though. I was D once. The thrill of the freedom you too cried above. The excitement - the possibilities - the absence of a M that didn't make you happy in its totality. I SO remember that.

 

And, it CAN, be overwhelming - and dull the senses. And lead to a "willingness" to over look red flags.

 

Like the guy you are attracted to being M.

 

This is LESS an indictment of YOU - and more of HIM. Is he displaying the qualities that you want in a person?

 

However, given that this is a repeated cycle with you - perhaps, instead of dating, we see IC - provided you aren't doing so now. IF you are in IC - ask your IC. Explore this in there.

 

As a former member used to say " Your man-picker is broken" (I believe it was BNB).

 

I can't seem to feel attracted to anyone other than the last MM and this one. I've gone to bars with friends since the split and have been hit on plenty of times by decent looking men, but I can't seem to feel ATTRACTED to them. There is something about organically meeting someone and the attraction growing over a long span of time - this has happened with both MM. Am I just attracted to the "unattainable"?! Does anyone else feel this way?

 

I agree that attraction is not something we can always exhibit perfect control over. We CAN exhibit perfect control in our actions. If you don't want to ACT on your attractions to MM - DON'T. Don't talk, don't email, don't flirt - just chalk it up to "drats, that one is M - and a douche to be acting like that".

 

Are you alone in that? Of course not. I'm married, happily (usually), and I most certainly feel the pull of attraction to the 20 year old in lulumon. Or parts of her anyway. But I DON'T act on it. Because that's just HOW she looks (oh and I'm M) - and is in no way indicative of WHO she is as a person. That takes time.

 

Or does it...maybe a MM hitting on you is telling you all you need to know...

 

In short, you may not "control" attraction but you sure as hell control what you do.

[bentleychic]

There may be something to this. I've seen people comment here before that sometimes women are attracted to unavailable men for specific reasons (unable/unwilling to commit, etc.).

 

I'm on the other end. About 95% of the men that have shown interest in me since I left my husband have been married or attached men. That is weird to me.

[Poppygoodwill]

All I can say is that you get what you settle for. If you settle for a married man, that's what you'll get and all the heartache and nonsense that goes with it.

 

If you only are attracted to married men, I'd say that a subconscious self-destruct button at work. And maybe post-divorce, it's a good way to ensure your new found freedom won't be taken away again by a real relationship.

[jay1983]

I don't think it has anything to do with him being married. He's probably really good looking and those guys are usually taken. Decent looking guys just don't cut it, or else you wouldn't see so many of them dateless.

[halfalive]

Aside from the somewhat bitter sounding remark, thanks for your comments.

 

 

Let me go back and say I am NOT interested in a relationship with this MM. I find him physically attractive - did before I knew he was married. I enjoy the attention and yes, the "slow burn". While of course the PA is calling my name, no, his personality is not one that I would find compatible in an actual relationship.

 

 

The main point of my post was asking if other people find themselves only attracted to married folks, but I think carhill is on to something. I'm a sucker for the slow burn and I don't put myself in many situations that allow for that.

 

 

Hmmmm.....