mercuryshadow Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Not a big thing, but I'd appreciate some guidance. My H gets together with his buddy maybe once every other week, which is fine, but when the guy comes to our house, he leaves a big mess. I don't expect that guests who come for lunch, dinner, etc, should clean their plates and put them in the dishwasher, but to follow suit and bring their plates into the kitchen when we are finished, in addition to just picking up with a napkin whatever mess they've left at their placemat. I guess I just assumed this was proper etiquette. Well, now that his buddy has been to several meals at our house, I've had to point out to my H that each and every time, he leaves his spot at the table a mess, leaves his plate, and also leaves his glass wherever it may end up at the end of the night. The last time he was over, I cleaned up what I could before I had to run out to do an errand, and hoped for the best. Since I had brought it up with my H about 3 times so far, I figured he'd make sure the same situation did not play out again. However, when I returned home, his buddy's plate was still on the table, and all of the bones that remained on that plate had been gobbled up by our dog (NOT GOOD!) I was extremely annoyed. Our new table also had remnants and crumbs of food around his spot at the table. I brought it to my H's attention, and said "It is not my job to clean up after your friend." I proceeded to tell him that since his buddy is younger than him and looks to him as a father/brother figure, the best thing he could do for him is to explain to him proper etiquette in these situations, i.e. that he should pick his mess up at the end of a meal. I was angry, and only half serious, but I also stated that his buddy wouldn't be invited for meals until he talked to him about this. This resulted in my H feeling offended, and felt like I was blowing things out of proportion, but this has been ongoing and it feels to me as though he expects me to clean up after his friend. Any thoughts?
Standard-Fare Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 It sounds like you've made it perfectly clear to your husband that his friend's sloppiness annoys you, and that you won't be responsible for cleaning up after the guy. I agree with you that you don't want to be confronting this friend directly and stirring up that tension. If your husband can't have that conversation with his friend (for whatever reason), then he needs to be the one cleaning up after him. Just make it clear that that's your expectation -- and beyond that you don't need to even talk about it anymore. 2
Author mercuryshadow Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 I think that's pretty reasonable, Standard-Fare. I didn't mention that when my H got upset this latest time for me bringing it to his attention again, he suggested that *I* be the one to ask his buddy to clean up since it bothers me so much. Coming from me, I could see his buddy feeling offended. It needs to be my H to address it with him, and if he can't do that, he needs to clean up after his friend. I also didn't mention that I DID end up cleaning his plate because it sat there until midnight, and at that point, I couldn't stand it anymore. Funny thing is, I'm not the best housekeeper in the world, but the mess his friend leaves is downright gross.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 but to follow suit and bring their plates into the kitchen when we are finished, in addition to just picking up with a napkin whatever mess they've left at their placemat. I guess I just assumed this was proper etiquette. Well, now that his buddy has been to several meals at our house, I've had to point out to my H that each and every time, he leaves his spot at the table a mess, leaves his plate, and also leaves his glass wherever it may end up at the end of the night. I disagree in that I don't expect guests in my home to bus their own dishes. I do agree that you're not the host, your husband is and this should be 100% his issue. Your problem isn't a "messy buddy", it's a thoughtless husband... Mr. Lucky 5
Standard-Fare Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Yeah, just be like, "I don't want to make a big deal out of the messes -- I just want them gone, and I don't think I have to play maid for your friend. If you clean up after him, then we're cool." Simple as that. Your husband should really be able to deal with that. And he should be able to expect the same from you if your own friends ever left a mess behind.
Author mercuryshadow Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 Agreed (Mr. Lucky and Standard). I guess that what it comes down to is that my H thinks I am making a personal attack on him when I bring this (or anything of a similar nature) up to him. It then takes on a more negative tone, and he ends up upset with me. This last time, he barely spoke to me when we went to bed. I'll try it again. I'll ask that if his buddy is to come over and leave a mess, he has to be the one to clean it up, not me. I'll see how that goes over.
Poppygoodwill Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Does your husband usually clean up after himself? Or are you the one to do it usually? It would be odd if he took his own plate to the kitchen but left his friend's sitting there. He is being thoughtless and not taking responsibility for his friend. It's a simple enough thing to illustrate to his friend that he should take the plate, but grabbing it and walking it with friend to the kitchen. I miagine the friend will get the hint if he says something like, "when you bring in yoru plate, be sure to rinse it because my wife (*gratuitous eye roll*) really wants them rinsed before goign in the DW". Might not even be true, but he make the point without making the point, if you see what I mean.
carrie_o Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Why would your husband take his plate to the kitchen but leave his buddy's? It would be a whole lot easier in terms of overall effort to take both plates at the same time, especially if the buddy won't clean up his own. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Your H should clean up after his friend. Are you saying that your H clears his own dish but not his friends dish? Next time this happens, leave it. Don't clean it up and tell your H to clean up after his friend! 1
Quiet Storm Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I would look him straight in the eye and say "in our house we put our own dishes in the sink after dinner and clean off the table". If he wants to keep enjoying your meals, he will comply. You are turning this into drama between you and your husband, when a simple statement advising him how things work in your house would suffice. If he gets offended, oh well. " That's just how it is here, buddy."
Author mercuryshadow Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 Why would your husband take his plate to the kitchen but leave his buddy's? It would be a whole lot easier in terms of overall effort to take both plates at the same time, especially if the buddy won't clean up his own. Yes, it would be. And it was indeed quite odd. To give them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they became distracted (i.e. they went off to play video games after finishing dinner). I was not going to touch the dish, but since it sat there until midnight and there were bits of food on and around it, I couldn't stand it anymore. There really is no drama here, but this is a recurring thing. If it so happens that my H won't agree to clean up after his friend, I guess I will have to say something. Though I can be pretty certain that his friend will take offense to it, coming from me. We are on good terms, but things had been rocky in the past between him and me, solely because being that my H asked me to marry him, I took central role in his life. Basically, buddy was jealous. I'm glad he's come to terms with it for the most part, but I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him sometimes. Unfortunate.
lollipopspot Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Since I had brought it up with my H about 3 times so far, I figured he'd make sure the same situation did not play out again. However, when I returned home, his buddy's plate was still on the table, and all of the bones that remained on that plate had been gobbled up by our dog (NOT GOOD!) I was extremely annoyed. I'd make it clear to the buddy that because the dog can get to the plates, to please bring his finished plates and other dishes to the sink from now on. The dog ate the bones last time and could have choked. Your husband needs to be more responsible about this. If he still can't handle it, put up signs in the living room: please bus your dishes. 3
mrs rubble Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 In my house it's standard practice for the person who finishes their meal last to remove ALL of the dishes to the Kitchen. 1
Author mercuryshadow Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 In my house it's standard practice for the person who finishes their meal last to remove ALL of the dishes to the Kitchen. Fair enough! I guess this bothers me to such an extent because growing up, after my family had dinner, we were all expected to clean up our own plates. I understand that the rule is different for guests, but at this point, my H's buddy isn't really a formal guest, as he pretty much acts like he lives there when he's over. I also happen to know that buddy's M has the same issue with him - he doesn't clean up after himself and it's a source of many nasty arguments for them. (He's young and still lives at home)
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