Feeling anxious over girlfriend going to parties while I'm out of town

[TheKook]

Firstly, thanks to everyone for reading this. I'll try and keep it short and to the point.

 

Feel free to ask questions about anything.

 

Me and my girlfriend have always been very tightly knit in the four months we've been together. We see each other daily, put each other above basically everyone else and have a deep emotional connection. However, I've left on an out of town trip for almost a month. Not only am I away from her for the first time, but this is a pretty new experience that I'm not used to.

 

On the night I left she called me, crying about my safety (She had been crying a lot that day since I left) and telling me she doesn't know how she'll make it while I'm gone. However, skip forward a few days. She was invited to a house party, and she decided to go. I was a little insecure at first because:

 

A) She never goes to parties and this is her first one

B) I'm 800 miles away

C) We met at a party where she got pretty wild

D) She decides to do all of this right when I'm away

 

Of course I'm a little apprehensive. I tell her to be careful and to not let anything happen to her, and she sincerely reminds me that she's extremely faithful and won't be doing anything wrong. She did exchange numbers with a guy who apparently likes her, but only for the purpose of buying weed. She didn't know he liked her until after the party. She texted him a bit and I told her that made me feel insecure, because they were small talking. Which in my opinion is kind of messed up, because, she should only really need to talk to him buy weed. I kept reminding her that he likes her, and that she's giving him what he wants when she replies. She promptly told him to stop texting her.

 

We had another heartfelt talk where she reminded me how much I mean to her and how faithful she is, which was reassuring for the time being.

 

This alone already made me feel anxious about being away from home, but what happened next shocked me. A few days later, I found out that she's now going to a rave with some of her girlfriends. That's totally fine. I naturally feel a bit anxious and left out she's partying when she never used to before, but when she told me what she'd be wearing I had a melt down.

 

She's wearing a lacey, very provocative bikini bottom that has her nickname on her butt as well as a see through skirt over it, and a bikini top. That just made me so confused. People go to raves and parties to get smashed drunk, attract the opposite sex, and hook up. I got upset again like I did with the party and called her up, expressing my discontent with what she'd be wearing. I was just so confused why she was wearing something like that to a party when she's in a very serious relationship. We talked on the phone for a couple hours and made things better. She got extremely emotional and told me that she felt lonely that I was gone, and that things feel wrong when I'm not around. She said that the only reason she's going to parties now is because she never used to get the opportunities and that doing anything is better than staying at home alone while I'm gone. She told me that she's only wearing it because that's what the Rave requires, but she also said she understands why I'm upset.

 

I told her how I felt she was changing by going to parties and doing nothing but seeing her friends (literally 24/7) instead of spending time to text and talk to me. She told me I was changing for being paranoid and she said it wasn't like me.

 

Am I wrong for being upset over this, Loveshack? I don't know how I'm going to mentally survive the rest of this trip while I feel like she's partying and enjoying herself too much to care about me. It's almost like she's trying to make me jealous, as she has been extremely jealous of me in the past.

 

I feel like this is changing me. It's making me upset and insecure about our relationship, and that in turn makes me act different. I'm more quiet and anxious when I talk to her recently.

 

How can I go back to not caring? To texting and talking to her and having tons of fun, without a care in the world? When I felt totally secure about myself, and how she felt about me. What's wrong with me? Nowadays all I can think about is that party and the rave she's going to.

 

Under all of this, I feel like our spark has dimmed because of all of our recent fighting. I want to go back to when we texted each other all the time naturally. Now it's like the excitement is gone because of all of this. How can I get that back as well?

 

She means the world to me. Thanks everyone.

Edited July 15, 2014 by TheKook

[TheKook]

Well that certainly makes me feel better...

[bubbaganoosh]

How often do you go out of town? If this is part of your job where you have to travel, then you can't expect her to sit on her thumbs and do nothing.

 

That being said, there's nothing wrong if she goes out with her friends but I got a feeling that she's too immature to be in a relationship where your gone all the time and sooner or later, there's going to be a slip up somewhere.

 

Maybe you should re think this.

[Potz4prez]

People go to raves and parties to have fun. You can go anywhere to hook up.

 

People wear sexy clothing because they like to feel sexy. You can attract the opposite sex wearing anything.

 

You're being paranoid.

 

The fact that she feels lost without you around is a whole 'nother matter. She's probably pretty codependent (as you are). Codependent people do stupid things to fill their void.

[d0nnivain]

Her going out to parties while you are away should be OK. Her choice of outfits is another story. She does have the right to wear whatever she likes but that seems awfully provocative. In my man's absence, while I'd still go, I certainly wouldn't be "advertising."

 

 

Before people jump all over me, I am not suggesting she's asking for anything.

 

 

I am saying her wardrobe choices are questionable.

 

 

For now, without more, take her at her word that she's going to be faithful but watch social media for clues / evidence.

 

 

Don't get whiney & needy or cry that she's not sitting home waiting for you to contact her. You can't expect her to put her life on hold for a whole month.

[GoreSP]

This is completely unacceptable. Everyone knows women should stay at home and watch TV by themselves when their boyfriends are not there to watch them because all they do is lie, cheat and deceive.

 

FFS

[Diezel]

You're doing it wrong if she isn't more worried about what you will be doing while you are out of town.

[TheKook]

Actually she's really worried. I can't help but feel she almost wants to make me jealous while I'm away. She got extremely jealous of me at a 4th of July party we went to when I stared at another girl dive into a pool. Like to the point where she went to a different room to pout, cry and be pissed off at me.

[d0nnivain]

She's an immature little girl who is playing games. If you like drama stick around. If you don't take a different path

[FitnessRN]

Actually she's really worried. I can't help but feel she almost wants to make me jealous while I'm away. She got extremely jealous of me at a 4th of July party we went to when I stared at another girl dive into a pool. Like to the point where she went to a different room to pout, cry and be pissed off at me.

 

RUN FOR YOU LIFE!!

 

SHE IS A EMOTIONAL TRAINWRECK! I have no question or doubt she will cheat on you if she pulled that off..not to mention there will be drugs!

 

Get a bulletproof vest..bullets will be fired and you need to dodge some!

[leavesonautumn]

The issue here isn't that she's having fun with friends while you're away or what she's wearing to a rave.

 

It's that you clearly do not trust each other. The way she acted when you looked at another girl is pretty immature and no one should have to put up with that. People look, people will talk to people of the other sex. Doesn't mean they will cheat.

 

Don't take Baller25's advice to cheat on her. That's the second worst piece of advice I've read on here today.

[BlueIris]

A and C contradict each other:

 

A) She never goes to parties and this is her first one

C) We met at a party where she got pretty wild

 

I think that the best indicator of how she acts when you’re not around is how she was at that party, before you were her boyfriend. So, what does “pretty wild” mean? And how was she dressed then? Are bikinis or similar clothes standard for her? If she owns the clothes, they're probably standard for her.

 

I see nothing wrong with her going out with friends, and it sounds as though this might be the way she dresses in general.

[leavesonautumn]

Hey did you read my first post how I said that the trust card would be brought up?

 

OP gives the impression that she isn't the type of girl that he would be able to trust. Why would OP trust a girl that isn't trustworthy? A cheater always suspects others of cheating, just like how a thief thinks that everyone else is also a thief — she being super jealous means that yeah....she'll cheat on the guy.

 

OP just cheat on her already. There's probably a guy thats desecrating her sugar walls right now anyway.

 

You made up a situation that hasn't even happened.

 

OP, if you think the girl is going to cheat on you and she is showing signs, then end the relationship before you cheat on her.

[notserene]

Actually she's really worried. I can't help but feel she almost wants to make me jealous while I'm away. She got extremely jealous of me at a 4th of July party we went to when I stared at another girl dive into a pool. Like to the point where she went to a different room to pout, cry and be pissed off at me.

 

I don't know how old you two are but she sounds like she has the emotional maturity of a three year old. I'd be worried about that all by itself.

[Priv]

How do you know she doesn't like to party? You have been with her for 4 months. And all I read is party girl. Doesn't mean she will cheat though.

 

 

GF's of mine went out. Some a lot. But I can understand the sentiment about taking a number. Guys hitting on her, buying drinks, dancing etc. is fine but taking numbers is crossing my boundary too.

 

 

She got extremely emotional and told me that she felt lonely that I was gone, and that things feel wrong when I'm not around.

 

 

That scares me.

 

 

I told her how I felt she was changing by going to parties and doing nothing but seeing her friends (literally 24/7) instead of spending time to text and talk to me.

 

 

As much as this scares me.

 

 

Those 2 comments together read like 2 very in love people and a very inconvenient time to go away for a month. Those first few months in a RS are fairly irrational and thats also how the both of you are handling being apart.

 

 

I am with you on the clothing part. I would honestly not like it either, but also feel that the moment I feel the need to tell my SO that she can't wear something to be a breaking point. In the sense that maybe we aren't compatible. But perhaps that's just me, I think in the last year I developed an allergy for women telling me what to wear or not.

 

 

Well, I used to (who am I kidding, I very very occasionally still do) go to raves, and judging by her going attire, she is no stranger to them either. Not sure if it is any consolation, but they are pretty non-alcoholic events

 

 

 

 

Not going to tell you to break up with her due to incompatibility, but maybe try to breath and back off a bit (I know easier said than done). It is all very fragile right now, next month you will see each other and can assess the damage. Most likely there will be none but there will be if go at each other like you 2 are doing now.