lovebird1290 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Dear members, I need your help. I am in a situation that I will explain below and my query is at the end. I will really really appreciate it if you guys read the whole thing just because I felt like I had to tell all these details and this problem might seem trivial to some of you but It is really heart breaking and devastating for me so please just read it once and help me out I will be eternally grateful as I have seen all of you helping others. A little background about me first. I am a pretty emotional person because of my daddy issues and a broken family. I have lost many many people and friends in my life who I thought were going to be there with me till the end of time and I always end up getting too too attached to people to the point that when they leave me or go away, I can’t tolerate it and I am so grief stricken and then I am unable to forget the person who went away from my life for years to come. I will keep brooding and fuming and oh God I cry endlessly I cant stop myself I try really hard but I keep going over the good times and what went wrong in my head over and over till I think I might go crazy and I take a long time to recover. I dunno how to explain this, but no guy attracts me. None. I don’t get sexually turned on by anyone. Nothing has ever worked for me my entire life and I am 20. I am a very ignorant person I don’t notice anyone and I have a very inactive visual imagination so I don’t find anyone attractive or anyone who gets me going. I need to feel an emotional attachment with someone and real love to get sexually attracted etc. Also, I am a very very compromising and loving person. I go through great lengths to make another person happy and I will usually keep the other person’s happiness in front of mine but I feel happy when the other person is happy. i became friends with a guy and instantly became good friends with him and then best friends. we both got really close to each other and he was an introvert and used to say that i am the only person who opened him up as he was reserved with everyone and usually a listener but i made him open up and talk. He was extremely sensitive and secretive and said that till today no one had bothered listening to him or tried to open him up but I had. we used to spend all our free time together and would text each other from morning till night, he used to care for me and do things like bandaging my finger and giving me his jacket and gloves when it was cold etc its a long list so i eventually fell in love with him but not because of this its because of our emotional attachment. he told me he is commitment phobic and that lets not give labels and go with the flow. i said okay. he would tell me to not fall for him etc but at the same time he was returning the feelings and encouraging me. He would be romantic and send loving sweet texts etc. he got me roses and chocolates on Valentine ’s Day and we were perfectly happy. he would hold my hand and kiss it and sit close to me etc. we were basically like in a relation but without any declaration or commitment. Dates, talks, attachment, intimacy, anything you name it, we were doing it all. He also used to say I love you all the time. All the time. I used to question him every now and then about what we were and he would say he is confused about us as it is not time pass but everything is going perfect. Also, he wasn't a very outgoing person or had a lot of female friends. i was very supportive and used to encourage him in everything he used to do. i groomed him in a lot of things like dressing etc. he was a very unpopular person with no hobbies no interests and he wasn’t good looking or attractive either. But I made him feel like a king and groomed him and kept encouraging him to come out of his shell. He didn’t go out pretty much at all nor had he ever been to cafes restaurants etc. I used to go out with him to places and he would say this is lovely, I get to see new places and go out with you. In 4 years of his college, no one celebrated his birthday. Ever. I celebrated his birthday lavishly and took him out for dinner and bought him presents and he was so so so happy that with me around, great things happen and that I do a lot for him. The feelings I was feeling for him were so so strong and new to me. Love, attachment, the closeness we shared, completely being open with each other, and sexual attraction too especially. And I used to tell him that you are literally the first person who I am feeling all this for. I used to keep telling him that this is really special for me and it was. He was in his last semester of college and I am in my first semester. I used to ask him that oh God what am I going to do without you when you graduate? He used to say you’ll be fine you’ll be fine. He got physical with me thrice but it was only for 10 minutes each time. We would send dirty texts every now and then. Once, towards the end of our friendship/relation he offered to go get a room and I was shocked and said ok I will think about it. I couldn’t help it, I wanted him so badly. We never went ahead with that idea though. I got so so involved with him that I couldn’t stand not having a commitment of some kind from him anymore. We were so super happy and then once I touched the topic of us again and said why don’t you say yes to me? He says “I don’t have those feelings for you. Yes I love you you are my baby and I can’t see you hurt but I don’t feel that way about you” Still, we continued without him discouraging me from anything I was doing or feeling for him. I am a fat person. Not too obese but not thin either. He said to me another time when I asked him about “where do we stand?” and he said “ok listen, you lose weight and I will consider being with you” I said really? He said “yes but first you have to show me results” I did feel hurt by what he said but fitness was his top priority and I thought that ok every guy wants a thin perfect girl so I will do it for him. then soon he started pushing me away. and he said oh you are getting too involved this isn't right.at first it was very lightly but i would feel it. then he stopped spending time with me like he used to then the messages got different etc. I was very very patient with him as i knew he was commitment phobic and i didnt want to scare him away by being clingy. but i would complain slightly but no taunts no nothing. everyone was noticing a change in him and he was better now and more confident and groomed and even the introvert part of him had decreased. he made many female friends and started spending time with them. i didnt mind i really didnt but i wasnt getting time and i was so used to having him around from morning till night and we were together all the time that i would feel really hurt. Ok, so he had said one thing to me from day one which was “don’t be rude to me or taunt me” I had said ok I wont. He befriended a girl and got really close to her. Now she was the one he was meeting all the time not me. one day he was avoiding meeting me and I saw him with her and he was lying about being busy so i sent him a long angry text. i didnt abuse or taunt or anything but it was an angry text and I said that ok you have found other people to hang out with but don’t forget the ones who were there for you. from that day onwards he completely started ignoring me. i apologized a hundred times and he said ok i forgive you but we can never go back to being the way we were. he didn’t want to talk about anything, i tried talking to him several times but he would avoid it. he started cutting me off completely and i wasn’t given an explanation or closure about anything that happened between us. He said that you ruined it by accusing me and taunting me and now its done you can’t fix it. i have been trying to make him get back to normal without forcing him for 3 months now but its not working. now we are just friends who dont talk to each other unless i initiate a conversation. Even after he ended the whatever we were relation with me, he bought me chocolates and a teddy bear once and I kept thinking that maybe there is hope. I was so so good to him I loved him at his darkest and I did so much for him but he just left it all like it was nothing after encouraging me for so long. I lost my best friend and the person who I fell in love with for the first time in my life. Also he talked to a mutual friend and told him that i never liked her that way and i had made my intentions clear that i dont like her that way and she is going to ruin herself for me now. He knows i am going through a severe heartbreak and i am the sort who gets extremely emotionally attached to people and then i cant get over it in a short period of time. i am hurt beyond anything. It has hit me so so hard that yet again another person has left me and I love him so so dearly I am going mental. I cry endlessly for hours on end and I miss him so so much I hope he realizes his mistake. I am so so miserable and depressed and I can not tolerate it and I don’t know if I will ever recover and fall in love with anyone again or feel such feelings and intimacy with anyone again. And the worst thing is he pinned the whole blame and guilt on me that you sent that angry text and were starting to get clingy so i had to stop things and i do feel like its my fault as i hurt his ego or something and i should have been more patient. But i was genuinely angry at that time and really hurt. i am miserable beyond anything now every second of every day i miss him i miss our talks our long walks our everything and i cant believe a person can just shut off like this and leave you. He talks to a lot of girls now, he is outgoing now compared to before and now he is a completely different guy. He is not simple now like he used to be he is all fancy and brand conscious etc. and trying new things etc. I also sometimes think that its a phase since he is newly exposed to these things seeing as how he was an introvert under confident person before and will realize in time that all this is nothing compared to the love i have for him and he might come back. i just don’t know why he was so loving and caring for so many months when he didnt want to be with me that way and he knew i am extremely sensitive and get attached to people. he knows i am in pain but he doesnt ask me or bothered talking about it and clearing things for me. I need a closure. I want to talk to him. I want to ask him why he did this to me when he knew how broken and sensitive I am and in love with him. I want to ask him that why did he throw me like I was nothing I want to ask him that what good is all this superficial material and all the girls in the world compared to my love for him? I will not be at peace until I get a closure he just left without tying up the loose ends and I am all the time lost in my thoughts that what happened? Was the love part real or is this new side of him real? I have seen the deepest corners of his heart and I miss him so dearly and I keep thinking that yes it is my fault I have hurt him. I haven’t talked to him for one full month now. I die every single day I miss him to bits but I don’t contact him. I have deactivated my Facebook because I couldn’t build up the courage to delete him but I couldn’t stand to see him with all his new girls and new wannabe ways and statuses etc anymore. I have very very supportive and loving friends and family and they support and help me very much but I am just like this. I am happy when I am with them but as soon as I am alone for even a minute, bam I start crying and missing him and I am such an emotionally unstable person in the sense that I love someone then I love the person to the end of time and I don’t let go easily. I hope someone out there understands. My questions for you my dear fellow members, is that should I contact him and demand a closure? Just shout and let it all out at him and ask him why he did this to me? I want to ask that why was I punished for loving him? Or should I just try to bury everything inside me and move on. (it will take me a very long time) but then I will be left with unanswered questions and I don’t want any regrets that I wish I had talked to him just once. I am the sort who does look back and regret not doing things or giving someone a shut up call or talking to a person one last time. Every minute I am battling these thoughts in my head constantly about what went wrong and how its all my fault. I just want to talk to him once and demand a closure. But I also know that If I do that then I will ruin all chances of him ever coming back to me. But I also want him to know the mental torture he has put another human being through and be guilty. Also, please explain his behavior to me I will be thankful as I have no idea what happened I am eagerly looking to your responses and I will follow the advice that the majority votes for. I really will. I have been reading posts on this site for 2 days now and I wrote this with a lot of hopes and I will follow what you guys recommend me Thank you very very much for your time and help. It is greatly appreciated. All of you are wonderful and I really hope no one goes through what I am going through right now.
scobro Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 you guys are young and he is changing much like you will change.You are missing the attachment and that goes away with time.Don't contact him and try not to find out anything about what he is up to it will only make things harder.Just try and accept its over and once you meet another guy you will look back at this in a much different perspective.
scobro Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 also if you have even 1% hope you guys will get back together then that will keep you in this stage for a long time.Assume everything is done with and just move on with your life accordingly.You will feel a lot better.
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