Transplant Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 My ex and I split up a little less than a year ago. It was a one-sided, messy breakup. Since the breakup, I took a job offer that took me from the US to Dubai. I cut my ex out of my life at that point, though she still had some of my most memorable belongings. After a few months into my new life, she contacted me about my things telling me she tried so many times to send them back but she couldn't because they were the last remaining things of 'us' (plus she loved wearing my sweats). We slowly reconnected (against better judgments), and eventually my new life spilled out and so did her feelings. She sent me pictures of her and her life daily and I fell to the same trap. I returned home on vacation and the breaking contact mess ensued. So after a few days of being home, my ex comes over one night and as soon as she got out the car she ran up and hugged me and wouldn't let go. 'I've missed you and have wanted this for a long time.' When she got here I sort of expected her to stay in a guest bedroom but she brought all her stuff to my room and immediately changed right in front of me. She put on my clothes and I made her a late dinner. When we went to bed, it took us about thirty seconds before sleeping together. I woke up early as my body and mind were still 9 hours ahead and went out to watch TV etc. She woke up and couldn't handle me not being in bed next to her so she fell asleep on the couch in my arms. She ended up staying most of the day at my house. When we finally got moving in the morning, she greeted my parents with hugs and 'I've missed yous'. She proceeded to kiss me, hold my hand, and put my arms around her right in front of my parents. Her hands were all over me in front of them. She spent time with my mom sharing intimate stories about me that only she knew. She made my father laugh harder than he's laughed in years. She helped my mom around the house and gave my father cooking tips at the grill. We all had lunch as a family and again, my ex was sharing stories to them and telling them how much her and I spoke when I was in Dubai. She told my parents she thought I needed to move back so we could continue our lives together and all be a family again. We went for a walk and she talked about us being in a relationship and that she was so happy to continue our lives together. She spent some time with my mom and hugged and held her again. When she left, she hugged my parents and told them she couldn't wait to spend more time with them and have family time again. She got in her car, kissed me, and said, 'I don't want you to go.' On her drive home she kept texting me how happy she was to 'spend life' with me. The next days were littered with 'I can't wait to see you agains' and 'Babe you're my 'him''. After a few more days, her texts turned into how scared she was that I was in her life again. She said, 'I'm so afraid of my life seeing more of you'. That eventually changed into her talking about us dating again, telling me she couldn't wait to see me again. She would tell me she's wearing my clothes because they made her think of me. She left a few things here so I dropped them off on my way to see friends and to play in a basketball tournament. When I got there, she treated us like we were a young engaged couple again that couldn't get enough of each other. She told me she wanted to give my mom pictures of her and I so my mom could hang them up at her house and so she could hang them up in hers. When I left, she told me to drive back through so we could spend the day together. After my tournament, I called her to tell her the time I was coming through but she didn't return my call. I got to her place and her car wasn't there. I called her again and she didn't pick up and didn't return my call. I sent her a message asking what was going on and I didn't hear anything. I gave it fifteen minutes and left. I haven't heard from her since. I felt the need to share this as it seems many of us would to die to have those reconnecting moments with our presumed significant other, even if it's a momentary thing, the idea of just 'being together one more time'. I'll be the first to admit I somewhat knowingly walked into this mess and there's no one to blame but myself. It's easy to see the rational and logical side of these things but hard to put them to practice. The wounds do not get any easier to deal with; in fact, they get deeper...DON'T RECONNECT! I have about a month more here on vacation before returning to Dubai and I know this will be a terribly difficult month. The only reconnecting that should have happened with any female here is with my mom who has been left in the wake of this terrible ordeal. She was drawn back in as well and fell for my ex all over again. Be smart all... 3
SoThatHappened Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Wow... has she contacted since you posted? She either has a mental disorder, is a sociopath, got hit by a truck, or is my ex-girlfriend If she does come back with some lame excuse full of holes, runt and don't turn back. Could you imagine dealing with that any longer? 1
smuggy95 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 what is your cultural background transplant? I just wonder because it helps give a voice to the words. Your ex is a psychopath. I am so sorry she has no empathy for you or your family. I admit I've been wanting to reconcile here and there, dream of it. But your story scared me off!
SoThatHappened Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Why is she a psychopath? How can you judge her without knowing her perspective? Perhaps she saw a repeat of some issue that we know nothing about. Hint...same woman he was with before. If she is 'crazy' then this guy is 'crazy'....unless she was bonked on the head and became crazy lady while they were apart. Not flat out saying she's psycho (didn't even use that word myself), just saying that if she didn't get hit by a truck, she likely has some mental problems. To do what she did and then drop off the face of the earth? Even if she saw a repeat of some issue (which it doesn't sound like), you don't do what she did then just cut him off... not if you're capable of normal human emotions IMO. This is so crazy I almost want to think something happened (she lost her cell phone, went for a hike and got lost, anything that could be a VERY GOOD reason to not contact him). Anything less than something along those lines is, well, crazy.
smuggy95 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 it really scares me how convicted she sounded and how much she threw herself into the reconciliation..
SoThatHappened Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 If, if,if...if.... How do you possibly know anything? Why did they break up previously? How did he act towards her? Was there an issue with Alcohol. Drugs, abuse that was supposedly in the past and resurfaced. Hint...few people are 'crazy'. The best explanation you can see is 'she is crazy'. No, it is unlikely she is crazy. She isn't in an institution. Something triggered her behaviour. One sided accounts are what they are...one sided. Have you never had a sibling, friend , coworker, see a relationship completely different from how you see it...you are sitting there being quiet thinking ...'whoa...that's not how I see it'. You make very valid points, and no, I don't know anything other than what has been posted. Nothing was mentioned about alcohol, drugs, abuse, etc. The OP sounds like a good guy. Sure, it's someone on a keyboard, possibly thousands of miles away, but I think most people on this forum are genuine people reeling from heartbreak. If this one-sided account is absolutely true, and she didn't lose her phone, get in an accident, get stranded, etc... there's something wrong with her actions. Wouldn't you agree? If there is more to the story, and likely so, hopefully that can be cleared up. But, when I came here, broken and beaten, I poured my heart out and had no reason to tell anything but the truth. I dealt with a very disturbed person who ripped my heart out. I had nothing to hide. I give the OP the benefit of the doubt. 3
Author Transplant Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 Thanks folks and I'll try to reply accordingly. My apologies for lack of brevity. As far as my background goes, I was born in the US but moved away to university in England and then to graduate school in Scotland. I spent most of my late teens and twenties in libraries, boxing rings, and boardrooms. I work with international legality and business acquisition, a sharp contrast to my previous adventures as a boxer in the UK. As far as our relationship goes, I met her before I moved off to England, and to this day she still insists I should have proposed to her before I moved away, though we were never officially together at that point, and I wasn't about to turn down going to uni at one of the best schools in the world. We maintained contact throughout all my travels and she would always send me messages with soft intimacies wishing she was there. We both come from small towns where people stereotypically don't leave. I left; I wanted to write my own story. She stayed. She ended up having a kid with someone from her town. She has extreme trust issues, father issues, insecurities of what I've done with my life/what she's done with hers, etc. I won't go into detail. I was always 'the one that got away' to her, and she was always the 'one I wish I didn't leave'. When she broke up with me a year ago, I never got a concrete reason, other than '(insert my name), I'm scared.' I was emotionally invested in this girl and was on the verge of opening up a business in her small town, but when she ended it, I couldn't bear to stay. She kept my boxing warm up gear from uni and could never return it. She still wears them to this day; all these things have my last name stitched on it. As I said, after I couldn't get these things back, I moved away and started a life in Dubai. I deleted her out of my life completely until she messaged me in the spring and that's when this all resurfaced. She mentioned again she is so scared because she can't afford to let another man into her and her son's life that may lead to them being heartbroken. I can understand that entirely and I respect her as a mom. She always said her son is the number one man in her life and then I was right behind. She does know I would change my life for her, open up a business in her small town and provide for them. She's never been good at communicating. As I said, I haven't heard from since this last weekend when I stopped by to drop off things she left at my house. Again, she treated 'us' like we were this springy, fully in love, engaged couple. I haven't heard from her since. If I don't hear from her before my vacation's over, I'll move back to Dubai. My whole family is in love with her and have provided her and her son with care packages and such. My life is not hard to change; I've been blessed greatly and can build a life wherever. That's not a problem. I don't know what she's thinking, nor do I wish to presume I know what's best for her, as that may garnish a path to a darker, deeper rabbit hole. I don't think she's psycho, nor do I care to put a label on her or her actions. When we're physically together, we are amazing, but the moment one of us drives off, her issues begin to show. I don't know if I'll hear from her before I leave; maybe she thinks that it's best to simply remain silent for her and her son. I guess I don't know. 1
SoThatHappened Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Sounds like possible fear of abandonment (or engulfment)... I don't know. You are very articulate, you sound very stable and resolute. That's in spite of all this. If this doesn't work out, it sounds like it would be her loss. I wish you the best and keep us posted if possible. 2
Author Transplant Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 Many thanks for this, STH - again, I'm not sure what happened, nor do I feel the need to directly or indirectly pry into her reasoning, if ever even provided. We cared for each other deeply throughout all these years and somehow found each other perhaps when we needed each other the most. Though her actions are, at least at this point, a mystery, it doesn't change the fact that despite the geographical and other distancing, we were constants in each other's lives. I don't regret any of it for one minute. Maybe my willingness to see her and risk the presumed probability of heartbreak again somehow enabled her and validated her actions, or lack there of, to take their course but she still is a wonderful young woman and an even more amazing mother. The best compliment to which I am capable is saying I wish I could care for everyone the way I care for her. She deserves to be happy and if that means remaining silent and non-responsive of her actions, so be it.
Author Transplant Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 Well folks, I didn't receive any phone call or anything, but I did receive this quote from her “Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are”...Nothing more...
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